Creating Lasting Change teaches how to influence and persuade people to change.
These are my own personal notes that I carefully took while going through the course.
- The General Rules of Change
- The Basics of Changing People
- To be happy match life conditions with blueprint
- To change, leverage the six human needs
- Understand People and Yourself
- Step 1: Understand and Appreciate Their World
- Step 2: Get leverage
- Step 3: Interrupt the pattern
- Step 4: Define the problem in solvable terms
- Step 5: Create new empowering alternatives
- Step 6: Condition it
- Step 7: Relate to Environment & Higher Purpose
The General Rules of Change
Anthony Robbins says Change often happens when we least expect it.
Example, a tragedy strikes, and then we quickly change.
And it happens more easily when we’re in a trance.
To put someone in a trance you can actually talk about YOUR experience and (if you do it well) they’ll follow you in a trance. Your story will change their emotions, their focus.
Tony Robbins says that the problem with normal therapies is that they analyze for a long time the issue and where it came from.
But that often matters little.
Most old school therapies diagnose a pattern and give it a label, making it even stickier for the people.
If you know Tony Robbins you’ve heard this critic towards the most common psychotherapies and I couldn’t agree more.
The author says you need to address the underlying problems, the source of the problem, not just the outward behaviors. And the source of the problem is an emotional pattern of physiology, language, focus and beliefs.
Because if you smoke out of boredom and kill the smoking habits, then people will start doing something else which might also be unhealthy.
The Basics of Changing People
Tony Robbins says that to change someone you need a solid relationship first, which is based out of two things:
- No judgment
Never judge the person you want to help. Be open to whatever they have to say without putting any label on it.
- Respect and care
Look for something you can respect about someone. And care about them.
Tony Robbins says there are 3 levels at which people evaluate things: the targets (driving human forces: top 2 needs of 6 human needs), the guiding force (global/identity beliefs, so you know how they meet their needs); fuel of choice (the top emotions people experience).
To be happy match life conditions with blueprint
As we’ve already seen in Personal Power 2, Tony Robbins says that if your life conditions don’t match your blueprint then you’re unhappy.
If they match, you’re happy.
To help someone you must either change their living conditions or change their blueprint.
To change, leverage the six human needs
Tony Robbins says that to change anyone you must understand what their needs are first.
Human beings have 6 human needs which drive their behavior. Our life is shaped by the way we learned to meet our needs.
Any time someone links in their mind consciously or unconsciously that thinking, believing, acting a certain way meets 3 needs, it will become a habit.
Changing someone is about breaking the old pattern and showing them a new way to meet their needs.
1-4 are needs of personality, 5 and 6 are the needs of the spirit. The last two are what make you feel fulfilled.
Anthony Robbins says you can get certainty in ways which are positive, negative, disempowering (example: I know it’s a waste of time, it never works so I’m not even gonna try) or empowering, attainable or sustainable.
Worry is something that creeps up when we are not certain. Anthony Robbins suggests to always get a plurality of opinion and quality information.
A potent antidote for worry is to decide you’re gonna have faith. Robbins’ way to get though some of the toughest times is to believe you are guided. The power of belief and faith.
You can also have too much certainty though. When you have total certainty you lose your edge, you get bored and you start yearning for a change.
2. Uncertainty / variety / diversity / challenge /
The second human need is uncertainty.
We also need stimulus and change, we need it to feel alive.
Tony Robbins says that significance means feeling special and worthy of attention.
People get it with things like trying to be different with tattoos and piercings, dressing top brands, being more generous than everyone.
4. Connection and Love
Tony Robbins says that everyone needs connection and love.
Love is a bit scary though so most people settle for connection which you can get with intimacy, walk in nature..
Again, you can meet this need in positive ways, negative ways or empowering/disempowering ones.
Growth is the need to develop and expand
The need to give beyond yourself.
Understand People and Yourself
What do you focus on?
Tony says most people focus certainty and on being significant (often trying to be significant via FB even if it means faking it).
Once you understand what’s driving you and what are the rules you follow you will understand yourself better.
To change someone, look at what need they value most. The more you reinforce a person’s behavior with the needs they value most, the quicker that behavior becomes automatic.
Step 1: Understand and Appreciate Their World
Tony states a huge truth to being with: to influence other people you gotta know, simply, what already influences them.
You understand by listening and asking questions.
A persons’s model of the world is made up 3 chunks / forces: the human needs, the beliefs (including identity beliefs) and their most common emotions.
Driving forces: what do they need and what do they want
Tony Robbins says that first of all, he looks at what are their top 2 needs. These are the preeminent needs and driving forces.
The first thing you need to understand to influence people is what they need and what they want.
We already know the needs they have. They all have the first 4, not everyone has the last 2 yet.
We need to know what they want, and we have to tease it out.
“I want to make a billion dollars” is significance;
“feeling in control of my life” is certainty.
Tony Robbins says that the belief systems and the values we have are what has to happen to meet our 6 needs -and mostly the top 2-.
For example, you can get significance by killing or by saving people, two completely opposite behavior but all going back to the same need.
Creating Lasting Change than goes on to describe the guiding principles (or guiding forces, Tony often switches words), which are composed of 7 parts:
- 1. Global Beliefs
These affect everything. Your beliefs about time, life, death, people, God, destiny. What it means to have children.
Questions: What is their life about; Who are their role models; what is life about; what is abundant in their life.
- 2. Identity Beliefs
These are the beliefs about you. How you describe yourself.
For example: “life is that way, OK, but this how I am, this is how I’m gonna show up”
Questions: who are you really ; what can you be ; how can you expand your identity right now
Tony says that Identity Beliefs are key to understand because if we give someone some tool consistent to his identity he’ll use it. If those tools are not consistent with him he won’t use it.
- 3. Values
Tony Robbins says that we know our identity through the values that we hold.
Values are ideals who are personally important to the individual. Values are what we want to move towards and away from.
Questions: what do you want ; what do you desire most in life; what do you really fear or find yourself avoiding most in life;
- 4. Rules
What has to happen for their values to be met. Those are their rules.
Questions: What must a person do or never do in a relationship; how do I know I’m successful
To feel loved I need to be told ‘I love you’ every morning; I feel loved when I love others ;
Tony speaks with an audience member live, Jim.
In Jim’s case: a good relationship has to push you and love you when you go off track and if you’re really my partner you’ll love me during those times.
So if you work with Jim, what’s one of the best ways to bond with him strongly? When he screws up you tell him “no worries brother, you and I are in this together”. Like that you enter into his the world the way it works for him.
Now that’s human nature and most everyone will appreciate you for that, but in HIS case, it’s even more powerful and he will appreciate you even more.
Contrary to Jim’s someone else’s rules could be “I only appreciate people who come out and confront me” and if you go and tell them “hey it’s no problem”, they won’t respect you.
- 5. Vehicles
The vehicles are what we use to meet our needs. They can be positive, negative or neutral.
For some people it’s their bodies, working out every day I get certainty, significance, and connection.
And whatever vehicle people pick, it tells you where their fears lie.
Did you pick your business? Money is your fear.
Did you pick your wife? Losing your wife is scary for you.
In case of Jim, that’s his business.
With his business he meets his needs for certainty, variety as it always change, significance as it’s growing, connection to the people around him, and contribution.
Another primary vehicle is his wife for both love and certainty.
- 6. Situation-specific beliefs
Beliefs about specific situations or context.
When would you break your own rules?
Or you might have a few people in your life you think are screwing up your life in a specific period of your life.
- 7. Metaprograms
How your brain processes information.
Example: Analyzing Jim
Jim believes a long time is a very short time for most people. He’s married. He has 13 burger kings.
“what is life about”, he believes life is a journey.
“what kind of journey” a path A to B. “
so you know what the path is?” “yes”,
“what if the path doesn’t turn out the way you thought “you take a detour”, “what’s the reward” “uncertainty, variety”
“what’s relationship about” “partnership, no fun by yourself”
“what does your partner do” “push you at the right times, support, love you even if you’re off the path”.
Jim wants to know the system, just cut to the chase, show me what works “right Jim?” “amen”.
Jim style works really well in an environment where you can lead in an authority position where people see him as superior than they are. Like in the military (Jim confirms he’d fire them easily).
He values certainty (one of the top 2) and significance.
How much does this man value love? A lot because he brightens up when speaking about his wife and he mentioned “support and love you when you’re off path”.
Tony says Jim is a love bug, but learned that you can’t be a love bug and really have certainty.
If you open too much you risk. So Jim went for another strategy: going for certainty and significance.
Cause if I’m certain and significant I’ll have enough within me and feel good about me that I can love and along the way he found a partner to share it all with.
He has a motive for love and variety, in fact, he believes that if he’s certain and significant he can enjoy the ride.
He’s got his 4 major needs met so he goes to the next 2.
Tony is listening for his driving force and his map (the way he’s gonna meet those needs, all 6 but especially certainty and significance).
He’s listening to global beliefs (what’s life about, what’s a long time, what are relationships about..). Tony guesses that part of his identity is being an achiever and a leader.
He’s a successful man and that’s part of his identity. That’s gonna help Tony understand what influences him and Tony has to communicate to him the way he’d listen.
For tony it’s easy because there’s a part of him like Jim. You influence Jim by entering into Jim’s world.
Emotions – where do you live
Tony Robbins says you should find what emotions are they most often feeling.
On average we have a half dozen emotions or less and we get to those states any way we can. it’s the language they use, it’s what they focus on. Switch what they focus on towards what they want rather than what they don’t want.
People go where they live: they find in the environment what triggers their emotions and then they blame their environment.
A woman stood up screaming we had to kill them all when 09.11 happened. We use the environment to meet our needs, she got certainty by getting really angry.
She got connection: everyone was paying attention.
Step 2: Get leverage
Tony Robbins says that leverage happens when your brain and body becomes one and you go “this is it, no more”, when you hit an emotional threshold.
When failing to change is more painful than all the other options.
Leverage must be immediate. Immediate pleasure for changing now and immediate pain for not changing now.
People don’t change because the habit fills some of their needs.
For example, smoking makes you feel comfortable, it changes your state, it creates variety, you connect with yourself and other smokers.
But if your health becomes too critical, or if someone you love deeply hates cigarettes… Now you start getting leverage.
How do you know what’s the leverage? You try different things.
And if you know what their 2 biggest needs are, then you know where to look for.
Sometimes the trigger can be physical, example of stopping smoking by giving pain every time someone lights a cigarette. You can easily get to change someone with that kind of leverage.
But those people then take up eating or something else (more on this later).
When you find a global solution you help someone get out of pain and into pleasure by finding something they value more than pain.
People keep being in pain because in their belief system that pain meets some of their needs.
Changing will take away some of their needs. With pain they are connected with themselves.
Example 1: Splitting Personalities
In Hawai a woman started splitting personality during a Tony Robbins’ event.
What needs is she fulfilling? She was raped by her father and then brought into psychiatry raped by her doctor.
Splitting personality was a way to get out of pain (certainty) and variety (you create movies) and significance (first person ever with that issue) and connection (people take care of me).
Tony has to increase pain to that behavior and find something she values more so she has something to go after.
And Tony goes “I know you believe all your personalities and that’s very colorful. But I know you are Mary. You are an amazing woman. This adaptive behavior is impressive as you got through it and survived. And he actually compliments her.
And then hits her saying “but you are here for a reason. And that reason is pain”. He said it low and takes a pause. Now Tony is stirring the pain to get momentum towards the change. He keeps going saying that she’s creating so much uncertainty to the people around her that they pay attention, but don’t actually love her.
She goes “I’m Superman” and Tony Replies “no you’re not, show me the S”.
He has her admit her multiple personalities give uncertainty to herself as well to the people around her. And it’s a lot of work to keep all that up.
She replies she’s one of the first MDP and Tony goes “yeah and how many there are now, you’re pretty much a dime dozen”. But you know what, they all claim they can’t change. And there hasn’t been one who managed so far. Now changing would bring significance AND love.
Do you like children? Yes. They have lots of imagination, like you. You should write children books.
Now, he’s creating a path for her.
Example 2: Cheating
A man was so angry at his wife’s cheating that he couldn’t even connect with his daughter.
What made him shift was the realization that the love for his daughter was much more important and transcending than his anger and mind. He realized through questions.
Example 3: firing a friend
The CEO of a large organization had been with his right arm for many years but a few facts made him realize he needed to fire him.
But he was in pain as he valued loyalty very highly.
When he realized that his real commitment to the organization to make the mission come through he felt he was ready to make it happen (that was the point of leverage: the mission of the company was higher)
Example 4: money don’t buy you love
A man entire life was about contribution.
He wanted to be significant (he made it through a business and making lots of money) but don’t make it just for himself, make a difference to other people so they’ll love you.
Be significant – contribute – you’ll get love.
He was successful but lost all his money and his family’s money in the stock market crash. Not only he can’t give but now he took from others. His life blueprint is the opposite of reality.
Tony searches for leverage but can’t find it anywhere, he is just hell bent in giving back to the family by killing himself and giving them back with his life insurance policy.
That way, he can give and be significant. At that point Tony takes it away from him saying he filmed the whole episode and he’ll release it: now he can’t kill himself anymore.
The look on the man’s face: he exploded
Now his suicide was not significant anymore if he took his life away.
Example 5: The raw food eater
Tony asks her how long she’ll live if she keeps going like she’s going and she says “no long”.
Since she said it herself now Tony thinks he’s got some leverage. But it wasn’t enough.
So he said “Lisa”, when you die and your daughter will be the pall-bearer, how do you think she’ll feel knowing you could have changed but you didn’t.
She paused and started crying.
Now Tony thinks he got through to her. But she cries and tells him sobbing “true but I can’t change”.
Tony repeated his mantra “there’s always a way” and prodded again “do you think her new mom will be a meat eater”. Now that snapped her.
How to Use Framing
Tony Robbins says that to change someone’s behavior you change people’s state.
If you leave them where they are, they stay stuck in a negative state and won’t budge.
And you do that through physiology and focus.
Focus is what they focus on and what it means for them. Ask questions whenever possible and tell stories so they get a bit in a trance.
If I tell you something and we have great rapport maybe you’ll listen, but if I ask you “what do you think this might mean in this context” then I make you come up with YOUR OWN resources and you can’t deny your own experiences.
Have a frame that interrupts their pattern is also important. You can ask a question which is really bizarre (example of Tony speaking to a suicidal guy and he tells him “is it because of the red shoes” “what?” “because they’re fucking red”).
Example: reframing a stubborn daughter
Tony spoke to a guy who complains her daughter is stubborn and too lively all the times.
And you could say “yeah, I like that, kinda reminds of me someone. Do you know someone who’s really stubborn and makes them successful?” he builds rapport, makes a question and interrupts pattern.
Follow up question could be “do you think there’ll be any place in the future it could be really useful for her to assert herself?” or he might jokingly add “do you think when a boy takes her to the backseat of her car and she doesn’t wanna be there it will be useful?” (instantaneous reframe)
How to Use Preframing
Tony Robbins says to tell someone in advance what to pay attention to and what it means.
It’s the most powerful way to change someone.
The preframing works like the placebo effect -which is extremely powerful BTW-.
An example is: what I’m gonna do right now is the most powerful pattern ever, there wasn’t one person who didn’t heal, you will love this one.
if you are with someone who’s skeptical immediately say that you know what they’re thinking. “you know what, I don’t know if this really makes sense, it probably doesn’t, but why don’t we give it a try”, which will immediately build rapport.
Example: dealing with Dennis Rodman
Tony went to coach the Spurs.
He was extremely badly pre-framed as they invited all the take it easy ticket takers entourage, white, with most overachievers players, black.
The Spurs had won 9 matches in a row and there’s Dennis Rodman in the team who walked in, sat down with his sunglasses and ripped the workbook in front of him.
He is introduced by someone who doesn’t know how to introduce, whom forgets what Tony had told him and that destroys his preframe even further.
The white guys in the back are clapping and the whole team is actually not giving a shit.
Now Tony needs to adjust that preframe.
“you’re probably wondering why I’m here.
You just won 9 games in a row, you haven’t had a day off and it’s your first day at home and now you’ve got some white guy standing in front of the room who’s never play basketball for his entire life trying to show you how you can play better when you just won 9 in a row.
Now Rodmann is looking up. He says “those are good questions to ask”.
I wouldn’t be happy if someone took my one day off (pacing their reality).
I have nothing to do with that but I am here and I am responsible to deliver for you. You only gotta be here 1h.
You gonna be here for 3. You have the choice to leave after 1h but you won’t. And I tell you why: because I will deliver results to you that you’ve never seen before in 3h.
And I’ll deliver so much in the 1st hour that you’ll wanna stay. And you will see that while I may not know how to play basketball I worked with the finest people in the world in all these categories (and went bam bam bam).
I might not have all the answers but there’s another reason you gotta listen to me:
You never made it past the first round of the playoffs (Now everybody looked ).
I am not suggesting I will get you beyond because only you can do that and I know there are only a few things keeping you from there.
He created a frame that he doesn’t believe he’s got all the answers BUT he’s got the answers.
That he doesn’t deserve to be there but he does. A frame that he’s gonna deliver because hes’ done it.
But before starting I’d like to make a prayer to guide us through (he knew the group is religious and always says a prayer before the game, he has done his research).
He had heard they make crazy resounding prayers but this one was super weak.
So he makes a joke about it saying it looks like they don’t hope to achieve much there, so he does one more thing: he takes his jacket away, gives it to the captain and says
“I don’t deserve to wear this yet. If by the time we finish I delivered so much value then you give it back to me and I’ll wear it with pride. If I haven’t, throw it on my face for having taken your time, but that won’t happen. Let’s begin”.
He created a frame that he doesn’t believe he’s got all the answers BUT he’s got the answers. That he doesn’t deserve to be there but he does. A frame that he’s gonna deliver because hes’ done it.
If he had just started talking, it would have fallen terribly flat.
He gets Rodmann on stage and said
“I don’t know about you Rodmann but I saw you the other day signing autographs and taking time for those kids. I know you wanna be unique and have your own space, but I know you’re a good guy”.
Now they are participating but not at the level he’s used to. He feels it’s also because the people on the back are drowning them out (Tony thinks the players don’t want to associate with them).
So he says
“OK, your hour is up. I know you guys played with me and taken notes when you usually don’t and I’ve gotten you value but we haven’t scratched the surface here to get the results you want. I need to tell you two things, frankly all the people on the back get outta here, leave. Leave, the boys and me need to have a talk”.
Then he says
“listen, I appreciate the attention you have given me but I am not like one of those people in the back. I ask you one question and you nod, that is NOT peak performance. I am here delivering for you and you gotta deliver back. You can leave now for 15 minutes or leave forever. If you come back here I have one requirement: you play full out with me. if I ask you a question you answer fully out. If I tell you to jump, you say how high. And if you don’t wanna do it I’m totally cool with it because I’m here to deliver you results. If you get back here you will if you don’t you don’t (and he storms out).
Example 2: delivering news of change
“today we’re gonna talk about some great opportunities coming up in the company” VS “I have some news about changes in the company that will affect many of you” , changes the tone hugely.
if you want to read more about the importance of preframing in persuasion, take a look at Pre-Suasion by Robert Cialdini.
Tony Robbins says that preframing happens when someone has a problem and you change what it means.
What things mean is determined to what you compare and contrast them to.
Example of John Belushi: he forgot how life was when he was struggling. You make sure you never forget your roots, the ultimate frame of reference for Tony was taking his kids to some of the worst places.
Make sure you compare yourself to what empowers you and make sure what you reframe for the people you speak to aligns with their core values and beliefs.
Example: make pre framing relevant
If I value learning and you reframe something as having fun, it’s not as powerful.
It’s better if done with questions and after you interrupted the pattern so they pay attention (if they’re in a stuck state it won’t work).
Example: changing the meaning
Your friend complains about the dates he’s been going to are a failure and you say “maybe god is protecting you from these men because he has someone special lined up for you”
You let them see their situation in another context. Ie a problem in a situation is a benefit in another.
Give some input they didn’t have. Or tell them something they believe is not true.
Deframing is when someone is caught up in something and you destroy their frame of reference.
For example, someone complains about something trivial, then a guy on a wheelchair passes by and says if you can help as he can’t eat anything.
your child who’s complaining about eating his piece and you say “you know, there are a lot of children in the world who are starving and would love to have your piece to eat”
Step 3: Interrupt the pattern
Tony Robbins says that all change is the interruption of a pattern.
Once you understand that, all gets easier.
You interrupt the pattern and bring resources -confidence, calm, grit etc.- from other realms of the personality (and if they don’t have any, from other people).
People are subject to a pattern of: focus and beliefs, physiology and language (which puts them in a certain states and give certain emotions).
Ideally, you interrupt all 3.
Language by itself won’t do.
Interrupting the pattern is key: people often fail to change because they try to change pattern before first interrupting the old one.
Ideally, you want to interrupt the pattern asap: kill the monster when it’s small and before it’s ingrained in their system.
Any pattern which is continually broken will eventually be changed. You have to scratch that old CD so that you can’t go back.
You can break the pattern physically (throw water on them, pain, slap them.. ), take them into a more positive future, change the language pattern (ie.: “next time you feel depressed say, thank god I’m not a cockroach in Bulgaria and repeat 20 times a day”)
Rapport & common mistakes
It’s good interrupting the pattern with elegance and with rapport.
Sometimes it’s not possible for Tony to build relationships first and he gotta intervene right away, but then he doesn’t keep breaking pattern but builds rapport.
There’s a fine line between breaking a pattern and destroying rapport.
Attention not to get too offensive, but also don’t make it too subtle or expected.
The simplest way to break someone’s pattern and rewire someone’s brain is with questions.
The more outrageous and unexpected it is, the better. Something gross, bizarre, or sexual.
Example 1: Sadness is a state
Tony was receiving people who were ok when they walked in, then they’d sit down and started talking about their problems and getting sad and crying. And he’d scream “heeeey, we didn’t even start here”.
And he’d have them to convince HIM that they wanted to change.
Example 2: A golden medalist who’s afraid of public speaking
But he’s so confident when he’s playing his discipline. Tony gotta interrupt the pattern of the audience being such a scary place.
So he brings the positive emotions beliefs and physiology he has for the competitions to public speaking. That’s the core of change: interrupt the pattern and bring resources where they’re needed.
Example 3: making mutes speak
They bring in a patient to Tony’s original teachers (John and Richard) who didn’t speak and hadn’t said a word for 10 years. They brought him in and said with a challenge, see what you can do with this one.
The guys tell them to go out and leave them alone. John tells Richard “lock the door”. “lock the door?” “lock the door! (shouting)”
And then pulls out a knife and proceeds to denude the patient whom… now did speak!
Example 4: curing Jesus
A guy whom said he was Jesus is taken to the same teachers. The guy goes “excuse me, I understand you used to be a carpenter” and he goes “uh? Ah yeah, yes.. “ “you are Jesus aren’t you?” “yes my son” “ok, I’ll be back”.
That’s a slight pattern interrupt. He didn’t introduce himself as a doctor or anything and just leaves him hanging, now Jesus isn’t so certain.
So he goes back with a tape and brings in hired people to build a cross with giant nails. The guy asks what they’re doing and Richard goes “well you’re Jesus right” “ohh.. yes my son” “well, then you know why we’re here”.
Barely 3 minutes and he went back to being John J.
He took shock therapy, he took drugs, he took analysis… but he wasn’t ready to be crucified.
The more intense it is, the more effective it is.
When you learn to see the pattern, you can anticipate what’s going to happen.
We need to learn their evaluation process. Noticing the state they’re in, the questions they ask themselves and the neuro-association they have.
If we can help a person see how their evaluation is the source problem, we can show em a way to solve them.
Step 4: Define the problem in solvable terms
Somebody says they’re depressed?
No, they’re not depressed, they’re bored.
They’re living life under someone’s else terms. You redefine their situation in a way which is addressable.
Example: The man who wanted to kill wife and children
Bob wanted to kill his wife and children.
Tony asks him what’s a good life for him, and then tells him that he’s trying to be something he’s not. Tony tells him to fu** that idea of “responsible father” which is shackling him.
He says there’s no point in waiting for something, he can get back to living the life he dreamed right now and improve the life of the people around him by being a better person.
He says everyone loves a comeback. It’s boring having been great all the time, but the person who makes a comeback and gets even stronger, that’s what everyone loves.
He tells him he’s a man who likes to ride and boogy, so tells him to close his eyes and imagine how it’d feel to get up, give a kiss to his kids, get on his Harley (and Bob describes his surroundings) and feel the wind on his face. Then he goes back, grabs his wife and makes the most passionate love he’s ever done.
As he speaks Bob has the biggest grin on his face.
He plays “born to be wild” and now he’s moving and dancing and singing.
Step 5: Create new empowering alternatives
Tony Robbins says that it’s key to find out what vehicles people use to meet their needs.
Once you know, you must set a new empowering alternative. People need a new way of thinking, of focusing, new physiology, new beliefs, new emotions.
Any behavior / thought or belief that gets reinforced constantly will become automatic.
Be on the watch for someone’s words.
And to change associate pain with the current behavior and associate pleasure with a new behavior.
Step 6: Condition it
To embed the new empowering alternatives you must use it every day. Doing is of course the simplest way. And Tony Robbins also proposes anchoring and incantations.
An anchor is creating an association between a specific stimulus and a specific state.
An anchor is created any time someone in an intense state (depression, anger, love..), either positive or negative, and while they’re at the peak of that state someone consistently does anything unique.
Create an anchor
Either find someone in a peak state or create it. You can just ask them how was it when they felt amazing.
The amount of emotional intensity is key.
Now consistently do something unique.
And to test it take them out of their peak state and fire the anchor.
Collapsing an anchor
Create a series of positive ones which are more powerful than the negative.
When you speak aloud with absolute certainty and you repeat it and repeat it. They can override beliefs.
You have to do with your whole body and intensity and believe in it.
Tony as a youngster would do that for hours and hours, vibrating.
Example: don’t create negative anchors with your partner
Tony’s daughter waiting for the BF to call and was getting impatient. Then he calls and she screams at him. Then Tony explains she is conditioning him NOT to call.
Incantations are not effective with people with low self-esteem. Read here why in the self-help myths list.
Step 7: Relate to Environment & Higher Purpose
Tony Robbins says that when creating change, you must connect it to a person’s highest values and help them integrate the new empowering alternatives into the environment where they actually live.
Help them see how the change relates to what they value most and to what ultimately they want to accomplish -and their highest love, that’s where the biggest leverage is-.
It might be a daughter, it might be a cause, it might be mastering an art or skill.
Get empowering friends
Most people lives are a reflection of the expectations of their peer groups. You live a life which is the reflection of the expectations of your peer group.
If your expectations for your life are higher than those of the people around you, they will pull you down.
Crete an alternative which meets your needs and which is good for you, for the people around and serves the greater good.
Identity is the belief of who you are.
One of the strongest need in life is to remain consistent with our own definition of ourselves (with our identity).
Changing identity will create forever change.
Who you are is more than anything you can face.
What shapes an identity? Beliefs, physiology, language, what they focus on (the triad), references.
If you wanna change someone’s identity:
- Give them an experience which contrasts with their identity and (limiting) beliefs. So you start developing a new set of beliefs.
- Huge change in the physiology (train them to change them consistently and use their body consistently, so it’s not just a one off thing)
- Change the person physically
- Incantation: use the physiology and emotions with it (incantation is physiology, language, and focus, the triad)
- Create a peer environment in which the only possible identity is the one supported by your environment
- Link so much pain to the old identity that they need to change and link pleasure into the new identity (or behavior, emotions, pattern). Pleasure is the long term motivator for long term as people learn to deal with pain
- Provide a compelling future
- Help them master a new skill: it gives a sense of growth and the identity expands
This Is Leadership
Leadership is a state of caring and rapport and a set of standards that causes other people to want to have something that you have.
The person who is most certain, if there’s rapport, will influence the other.
State and rapport are the two main ingredients.
You Must Be Your Personal Master First
Tony Robbins says that a leader’s gotta be effective on himself first. And doing so at many levels:
- Change state in a moment
on yourself, you gotta be able to change your state in a moment.
- Change state in challenging situations
take a situation where you normally don’t manage your state and link to a situation which puts you in a great state. The trigger for a negative frame becomes the trigger for a positive one. Pick those situations that scare you the most and turn them around. When the tigers show up, you use it and you show up
- Live permanently in a great state.
create a model of the world where you have no tigers: most of your time is at peak state, fulfilled. Your whole way of looking at life
- Take someone and change their state in a moment
- Take someone facing tigers and use those tigers to make them stronger
- Change their model of the world
When you can do it to groups.
- Reactions Are Not Long Term Results
Sometimes I have the feeling tony Robbins seems focused on making people change their state and move around and dance and act crazy.
That’s what he likes to see.
But I gotta wonder how often those changes are actually long-lasting.
- Jumping to Conclusions
Tony Robbins is charismatic because he exudes conviction.
But that conviction comes at a high price: the guy always jumps to conclusions, and I’m pretty sure he got it wrong a few times.
Tony Robbins often jump from one thread to the other, going back and forth without always sticking to the topic and to the relative chapter. I find it confusing.
- Unprecise Nomenclature
Tony seems to use a different name for the same things, and he keeps changing it and mixing it, making it very difficult to summarize and, most of all, to understand what is he actually talking about.
You will think “it makes sense but… What step was he referring to?
Creating Lasting Change is another amazing program by Tony Robbins.
It’s packed with amazing useful information on how to change people’s state and behavior and, most of all, I love the examples.
I like Anthony Robbins.
His credibility when it comes to influencing people and changing their state is unquestionable. So we should listen when he talks about influencing and changing people.
Just a personal note: don’t try to change anyone who doesn’t wanna change. Not only it will hardly be effective but you will only alienate people that way.