Please or Register to create posts and topics.

Don't talk about your problems

Hello guys,

This is something I realized: when you talk about your problems you are creating negativity. So these are the no-no of talking about your problems:

  1. Group setting: people can make fun of you, want to avoid the topic or feel like you're taking from the group
  2. Talking with people who are not close friends: I got great feed-back from people who were not close friends, however there is a setting for sharing our challenges.

Basically my new attitude (to be tested) is when people ask me how my life is (machiavellian):

Great (positive attitude), thank you (collaborative). I'm moving forward (Self-frame as "in control" and "in progress"). There are (quite) a few challenges (normalization, "I'm like you", inclusive) but so far so good (but I'm able to handle it). 

So it's not that your life is perfect. It's that you have control over it and that you do have problems and are tackling them.

If you want specific feed-back, choose the person and the time to ask for it. Otherwise, deal with them yourself. Here is also a good place to talk about them I think.

However, most people are already in a negative mode. So if you're the one who's not burdening them, you avoid being a social burden.

And then if someone is opening to you, you listen and share your experiences.

But when it's your turn you don't burden them. You can share your challenges:

At work, I'm still adjusting.

Or

I have quite a lot of work these days

But you end up on a positive note

But with time, it's going to be alright.

So this is very powerful, you have your challenges, is able to listen to other people's, however you are in control of your life and are just like them. You just don't dwell on them.

If you feel there is a connection and you can talk more about it to vent or get more feed-back, please do. However, I realized I was overdoing it.

Lucio Buffalmano, Kavalier and 2 other users have reacted to this post.
Lucio BuffalmanoKavalierMMCBel
Quote from John Freeman on June 29, 2022, 9:36 pm

Great (positive attitude), thank you (collaborative). I'm moving forward (Self-frame as "in control" and "in progress"). There are (quite) a few challenges (normalization, "I'm like you", inclusive) but so far so good (but I'm able to handle it). 

My current take here would be to remain even more superficial and just say "All good thank you. And you?".

Most times I feel people only ask "how are you" as a form of polite salutation. And once there was a time when I was really big on answering it truly, so I learned the hard way.

Funny thing: in the U.S., shops have employees whose main job is to greet people entering the store by saying "Hi! How are you today?" warmly. Guess who first tried to enter into full-blown conversations with these people? 🙂

Yeah I’m talking about a situation when a friend, not a close friend asks about you.

like someone you for drinks and fun but who don’t know about all your struggles and childhood issue.

Bel has reacted to this post.
Bel

Great post, John, thanks for sharing.

One thing I like to do when someone asks me how I am is to direct the conversation to something you are currently working on. Like

"Great, man. I've been working on this and that project - or focusing on learning this or that... Moving to ... Having fun with x (whatever is relevant to your interlocutor - What about you?"

The objective here is:

  • To start from a general direction of positivity;
  • To not look like I am avoiding the question;
  • To feed some meat into the conversation fire;
  • To give myself a way out of the initial question. It's one step away from "how are you doing" and branching out into something else

That way you can both briefly talk about your challenges in a positive tone, or talk about something else entirely.

That is, assuming the challenge is somewhat mundane. I'm a firm believer that real, deep problems should be reserved for brother in arms or therapists and never even be alluded to in other circumstances.

Lucio Buffalmano, John Freeman and 3 other users have reacted to this post.
Lucio BuffalmanoJohn FreemanTransitionedBelleaderoffun

Boom, Kavalier. That's THE blueprint.

Kavalier and Bel have reacted to this post.
KavalierBel
Quote from Kavalier on June 30, 2022, 6:46 pm

Great post, John, thanks for sharing.

One thing I like to do when someone asks me how I am is to direct the conversation to something you are currently working on. Like

"Great, man. I've been working on this and that project - or focusing on learning this or that... Moving to ... Having fun with x (whatever is relevant to your interlocutor - What about you?"

The objective here is:

  • To start from a general direction of positivity;
  • To not look like I am avoiding the question;
  • To feed some meat into the conversation fire;
  • To give myself a way out of the initial question. It's one step away from "how are you doing" and branching out into something else

That way you can both briefly talk about your challenges in a positive tone, or talk about something else entirely.

That is, assuming the challenge is somewhat mundane. I'm a firm believer that real, deep problems should be reserved for brother in arms or therapists and never even be alluded to in other circumstances.

Yes, great one, very smooth.

Takes a potentially tricky question into an opportunity.

As a matter of fact, the way I see, the "how are you" -or similar vartiations- in group settings aren't even a question, just a "social pass", and totally up to you what you do with it.

Goin negative would be self-defeating and value-taking for the group, not something you should even consider.

Another thing I do is to simply open a new topic, for example, today (literally today) I'd reply this question like this:

  • Awesome man, working quite a bit, but the cool thing is... I bought a motorcycle!

Or like this:

  • Awesome man, working quite a bit, and I'm trying out this app that lets you track food nutrients just with a picture. It's amazing how much you can learn about what's actually in the food

Just end it there.

The only goal is to open a new topic, see how people like it (or not), and then take it from there.

lilsim, Transitioned and 2 other users have reacted to this post.
lilsimTransitionedKavalierBel
Have you read the forum guidelines for effective communication already?

Yes so there are two situations:

1-on-1 and in a group setting.

As I said I’m not talking about close friends with whom you can talk about anything. But more the regular friends.

What I realized as you can see in other recent threads is that people are actually more competitive, more selfish and use more deception than I previously thought.

So one must be more strategic with his social connections.

Lucio Buffalmano, Transitioned and Bel have reacted to this post.
Lucio BuffalmanoTransitionedBel

Question for Kavalier and everyone for that matters:

What do you think of the difference between:

"Great, man. I've been working on this and that project - or focusing on learning this or that... Moving to ... Having fun with x (whatever is relevant to your interlocutor - What about you?"

And

"Great, thanks! I've been working on this and that project - or focusing on learning this or that... Moving to ... Having fun with x (whatever is relevant to your interlocutor - What about you?"

I mean: do you think that the "thanks" is empowering or disempowering. As in "thanks for asking" or "thanks for caring" which could imply that it's not normal or that one is not deserving of being asked what is going on with their lives.

I say "thanks". However, I'm considering that it could be slightly disempowering. We're talking about subtle differences here.

Kavalier and Bel have reacted to this post.
KavalierBel

Hey John, I think it's empowering.

Overall I think this is a small detail, but shows appreciation for the question. The frame is that he's interested in your well-being and you are thankful for that (I doubt anyone would think it's ironic).

Also, this is very commonly used (in German people even frequently say it first  - "danke, gut"), to the point that this added politeness might go unnoticed.

 

Bel has reacted to this post.
Bel
Processing...