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Encouraging A Culture of Fair Social Exchange

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on June 19, 2021, 6:35 pm

Just to let you know, the affiliate didn't go through (or I'd have sent you the 50% whether you wanted it or not, Ali ? )

I thought "sent you the 50% whether you wanted it or not" is a good way of saying you value fair social exchanges above preferences.

I realised some folks may be shy about "taking" things from others, especially if they view you as having power.
If one is a leader, he/she is responsible for allocating resources such that everyone feels they are getting their fair share from what they put into the team.
So the leader should initiate handing out resources proportionate to what people put in.

Likewise, in friendships/relationships, one should take the lead to ensure balanced exchanges.
It could be better if you take the lead instead of waiting for your friend to ask.

This is also why value-takers leeching resources from the team need to be ousted.
It breaks the culture of fair social exchange, and people will look out more for their own self-interest.

Lucio Buffalmano has reacted to this post.
Lucio Buffalmano

Yeah, great point, Matthew.

Something to keep in mind: one "risk" in these cases is that people can get offended when you disregard their "no".

In a way, they are refusing because they want to give you something, so you giving it back to them can feel like forcing it, and like you're negating their kind gesture.

It's not the most common option, usually people are glad you're taking that approach and will appreciate and respect you more.
But it can still happen sometimes.

What you can do in those cases is to:

  1. Validate their good intention: "I appreciate you saying that man, I really do"
  2. Provide the reasons for your insistence: "I'm only insisting because I think it's only fair of me to do... ". This avoids making it into a battle of "who gives more". You're not trying to over-give so you can feel good or accrue credit, you're only doing it because from your point of view, it's the fair thing to do

At that point, if they're really strong in the willingness to let you keep it, then you can just say "thank you man, then I say "thanks", and stop it here" and maybe add "should you change your mind, just let me know".

3. Provide a third-option use of the money / value: to make it work for both, you can add "I'll give it to you because I think it's fair, and if you think otherwise, feel free to burn it, give it to charity, or whatever... "

It happened recently to me with my flatmate. To avoid turning it into an impasse, I provided that third option with a humorous tone. She laughed about it, said she would use it for the stray dogs, and we solved the issue by redirecting the value to that third-party option.

Matthew Whitewood and Transitioned have reacted to this post.
Matthew WhitewoodTransitioned
Have you read the forum guidelines for effective communication already?

I see what you mean.
In terms of social exchange, saying "no" to a gift has some similar dynamics to giving a gift.
The person intends to leave the other with more credit and may come from a kind frame.

Rejecting a gift potentially breaks rapport and negates the kind frame.
Similarly, when you "force" the recipient to accept upon his/her initial rejection of the gift.
More generally, whenever someone offers a gesture of kindness and you reject it, it may potentially offend the giver.

Let's say Sam & Jim have completed a project together:

Sam: I have to give you most of the credit for making this project work.

Jim: No man, you did most of the work.

(Better to say)
: I really appreciate that man.
But to be fair to you, I have to say that you really worked overtime to get this done.
And because of that, I give you most of the credit.

(Insisting May Offend)
Sam: I insist that you did most of the work and should get the credit.

In the UK: I Insist

In the UK, I think people use "I insist" sometimes whenever they want to give someone something, and they see some reluctance in accepting.
This is because there's a culture of being polite and having etiquette.

Sam: I have something that I think you will really like. (takes out and shows Jim)

Jim: It looks expensive. (shows reluctance to accept out of politeness)

Sam: I insist. I recalled that you really enjoyed something like this.
It would be a pleasure for me to share this with you.

I think saying that "it's my pleasure" could be a warm way of insisting as well.
Although that sets up a different frame from fairness.
Maybe good for friendships because you have transcended social exchanges which is where fairness comes from.
Or if you intend to become friends with a person.

Lucio Buffalmano, Transitioned and leaderoffun have reacted to this post.
Lucio BuffalmanoTransitionedleaderoffun

Yes, exactly, you nailed the dynamics and explained way better than I did.

Matthew Whitewood and Transitioned have reacted to this post.
Matthew WhitewoodTransitioned
Have you read the forum guidelines for effective communication already?