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Evaluating costs and benefits of different social circles

As I goal, I want to enter a new social circle that wields real power, and which is not made out of politicians. I need to first discover multiple social circles in my city (Berlin), then evaluate if they are worth joining.
I want to filter social circles by Value they bring to me VS Cost associated with being part of it. These are some costs I thought of. Which others am I missing?
a. Monetary cost (example going to expensive social events if this is what it takes to meet powerful people)
b. Attention (organizing events, paying attention to social cues, helping people who need my help, keep power accounting, etc)
c. Reputation cost (if social circles compete)
d. Cost of keeping my good standing in the social circle (no drama-free social circle that I know; dealing with drama is a cost)
e. Putting up with people who I don't like having power over me

Speaking like true power strategist now :).

Some notes:

Quote from leaderoffun on January 9, 2022, 10:30 am

As I goal, I want to enter a new social circle that wields real power, and which is not made out of politicians. I need to first discover multiple social circles in my city (Berlin), then evaluate if they are worth joining.

Great start.

Have you already wondered if you're going to be a good fit for it, and if you've reached a good enough level, both in life and in terms of people skills / the way you carry yourself?

Just believing you can is a good mindset, but also checking there is personal value and skills to back it up -or value and skills to further acquire- should go hand in hand.

Quote from leaderoffun on January 9, 2022, 10:30 am

a. Monetary cost (example going to expensive social events if this is what it takes to meet powerful people)
b. Attention (organizing events, paying attention to social cues, helping people who need my help, keep power accounting, etc)
c. Reputation cost (if social circles compete)
d. Cost of keeping my good standing in the social circle (no drama-free social circle that I know; dealing with drama is a cost)
e. Putting up with people who I don't like having power over me

To me the major costs are different:

  • IF you're an introvert, then you'll need to look at it as work

Otherwise, you can look at your cons as a bright side as well:

a. Monetary cost: true on one side. On the other side, high-power and well-managed circles should bring more than they take

b. Attention: especially high if you're introverted. Otherwise, it can be part of the fun

c. Reputation cost: I see it as the opposite and as a reputational enhancement 

d. Cost of keeping my good standing in the social circle: I agree with the drama in many groups -not all-. It's one of the things that made me look for an out from office politics.
Once you become high-value and congruent though, the good standing comes pretty much naturally. When that happens, your good standing and your time in those circles become net (emotional) benefits and good for your wallet and mental health

e. Putting up with people who I don't like having power over me: LOL that's a good one. It's not nearly as bad as having a bad boss. There is more room for maneuvering and avoiding in social circles, and you can easily become a respected member that higher-power people don't fuck with.
Plus, again, big learning opportunity.

Personally, thinking of the costs first seems like a way of looking for troubles where there might not be that many.

How about you enter a few and see how they work for you?

I'd first start thinking about what type of people you like and/or you can give/gain from and where you can find them.

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John FreemanTransitioned
Have you read the forum guidelines for effective communication already?

Have you already wondered if you're going to be a good fit for it, and if you've reached a good enough level, both in life and in terms of people skills / the way you carry yourself?

Just believing you can is a good mindset, but also checking there is personal value and skills to back it up -or value and skills to further acquire- should go hand in hand.

Hmm, this is a potentially risky thing to say as it's disempowering me. And also because you don't know the author (I need to post on the intro section of the forum). But I don't mind, really. Yeah, I'm not a mega-power-player, and I don't think I want to be. I'm not a socialite. There are people whose only aim in life is managing and accruing status: that's not me.

Because I have never experience the 'socialite' type of person I describe, I'm more curious than anything else. It could be there's nothing there for me, or that the costs that I list are too high.

Also the type of social circles I have in mind could be somewhat 'low power' overall (like a meetup group, or a bunch of guys who share a view, or who have some common thing like having taken money from the same investor).

How about you enter a few and see how they work for you?

The problem with the 'socialite' type of circles is that there are only so many of them. If you join one, f*ck up, and make yourself persona non grata, you would basically have to start over... in another city. Which is not something I want to do. I'm attached to the city I'm in right now (Berlin), I cannot move. So yeah, if I do build my social standing with 'socialites' I better do it right, because you only have one shot. Hence the somewhat 'scarcity mindset' approach I'm taking. And creating new social circles from scratch is damn hard. More so in Germany, the most risk averse country in the world, and among the least social (as in socializing! social-oriented policies are very common and part of the culture).

Quote from leaderoffun on January 12, 2022, 11:49 am

Hmm, this is a potentially risky thing to say as it's disempowering me. And also because you don't know the author (I need to post on the intro section of the forum). But I don't mind, really.

I agree, it's potentially slightly disempowering you to suggest that.

But "you" here is a nickname.

So it's only damaging if you care more about the reputation in this digital space than about the opportunity of getting the most honest feedback and advice you can get.
And without an intro or background info, that should be the #1 thing to ask someone -I actually cushioned it a lot in first bringing it up-.

We advise on antifragile ego and growth mindsets here because they're often the best to learn faster and more effectively -not to mention how they generally make life easier-.

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leaderoffun
Have you read the forum guidelines for effective communication already?
Quote from leaderoffun on January 12, 2022, 11:49 am

 

The problem with the 'socialite' type of circles is that there are only so many of them. If you join one, f*ck up, and make yourself persona non grata, you would basically have to start over... in another city. Which is not something I want to do. I'm attached to the city I'm in right now (Berlin), I cannot move. So yeah, if I do build my social standing with 'socialites' I better do it right, because you only have one shot. Hence the somewhat 'scarcity mindset' approach I'm taking. And creating new social circles from scratch is damn hard. More so in Germany, the most risk averse country in the world, and among the least social (as in socializing! social-oriented policies are very common and part of the culture).

I would add that I think you can actually screw up even in high-level socialite circles, so long as you don't do it over and over... There was a time (in a former life many years ago!) when I used to hang out a lot with famous actors in London... to be honest, I was a bit of a party animal at the time... I'm older and a lot calmer now... but there were a couple of occasions when I hit it too hard and either got into huge rows with people or otherwise disgraced myself..  we all continued to be great friend though, and the misstep was forgiven.. people forgive when it's not a habitual occurence... it's also important... and I can't stress this enough... that even people with very high status are just people, with the same insecurities and idiosyncracies as anyone else.. it's crucial to remember they're human and vulnerable ...

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Lucio BuffalmanoFelix

Yes, I agree with Lucas, there is room for mistakes.

Especially if you're generally seen as a cool and value-adding member.

What can kill you instead is if you do the same mistakes over and over and don't correct the course because you don't even realize the issue.

For example, you bring the group down, you never pay back drinks/food, you don't bring anything when you show up at someone's place but happily drink and eat out of their kindness, you social climb constantly, you're derisive towards the wrong person several times in a row etc. etc.

But one-off fuck-ups are fine.

Quote from ZenDancer on January 12, 2022, 8:23 pm

There was a time (in a former life many years ago!) when I used to hang out a lot with famous actors in London... to be honest, I was a bit of a party animal at the time... I'm older and a lot calmer now... but there were a couple of occasions when I hit it too hard and either got into huge rows with people or otherwise disgraced myself

Cool man, you must have some interesting stories 🙂

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Have you read the forum guidelines for effective communication already?
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