Feel weak/pathetic when being jealous of a friend's charm but can't help it?
There's this one particular girlfriend who I am always jealous of and hate myself for feeling that way. It has been going on for as far as I've known her. She represents a lot of what I aspire to in life but have yet to attain. She's sociable, charming, seems to blend in seamlessly in any group settings, confident in the way she carries herself. At the same time, she's very dramatic and gossipy so I don't quite feel 100% safe hanging out or confiding in her although we used to be very close back in high school/early years of college. We did have a fallout back then and have resumed contact but never gotten back to being very close.
I always imagine how anyone that I've ever known would think that she's so cool if they were to meet and hang out and that instantly makes me sad and jealous of her effortless charm. I, on the other hand, have difficulty in forming new relationship or deepening my current relationship, especially with people different from me; my social skill has always been my top insecurity. I have always wanted to be more sociable and make more friends. For whatever reason, she never has that struggle, makes best friends everywhere she goes and a lot of her friends are fancy, fabulous, and rich - the type of people I would never overlap with at all in real life. Does it impact my life in any material way? No. Do I get jealous or slightly depressed when I see her social media updates in fancy places hanging with popular people or celebrities? Every single time. To the point that I have muted her updates for so long, but once in a while, it still trickles in. And I know that's not addressing the problem, it's just a band-aid solution.
I would very much like to get to a place where these things don't bother me as much. For example, this morning, just seeing this one update from her at a wedding with fancy people and seeing that she's friends with famous celebrities on instagram put me in a down mood and completely derails my plan to be productive this morning. I feel like a 'loser' to her socially. Suddenly all of my friends who seem cool to me pale in comparison to her. I hate to admit it but she could be one of the 'coolest' people I know and I genuinely don't like her for that, because it implies she's better than me. I feel like any cool people that I know of will instantly find her cool and charming and that makes me feel pathetic.
How do you get yourself out of this vicious cycle of social comparison? By all logics and sense, I know I should not but it's a sticky pain for me....
First, kudos to you for identifying it, acknowledging it and working on it.
"Comparison is the thief of joy"
I agree with you the root cause is the comparison. It's not her, it's not you, it's the mental process. It's an automatic process but in my experience it can be "unlearned".
Personally when I feel like that I do some introspection: "why do I feel inferior?" "why am I comparing myself to her?". You already identified what she has that you would like to have. You can also make a plan to get what you want.
So I would personally get back and write down my own values, what I want in life and start working towards that. If you're busy working towards your goal you won't even notice her.
Also I think it's important to be happy for her, to be able to think: "Good for her". It's not easy. However, if we wish her to fail then it brings negativity in our own mental space and life. Envy is a poison that breeds hate and bitterness. So for our own sake it's better to get rid of it actively as you're working on it. It's a process and it takes time.
Another mental concept that could be useful is based on how our brain works. We compare ourselves with people we estimate are at around our level: our peers. But this is arbitrary. Why don't we compare ourselves with the bum down the street or the billionaire?
So we do have a choice.
Something else that can be helpful, especially if you live in a culture where status is very important:
“The mystery of life isn't a problem to solve, but a reality to experience.” ― Frank Herbert, Dune
Climbing up the socio-economic hierarchy is just one of the many ways to live. So by having a different perspective on life all this seems different.
I hope this helps.
Quote from dsnw2022 on September 18, 2023, 7:43 pmAt the same time, she's very dramatic and gossipy so I don't quite feel 100% safe hanging out or confiding in her although we used to be very close back in high school/early years of college.
This part was the most salient to me.
Why would you be jealous of a gossipy drama queen one can't even feel safe with?
Maybe deep down you define "success" by association with a glitzy lifestyle.
Or maybe there's still some secret wish of being part of the "cool kids" in high-school / college.
It's not like there is anything inherently wrong with that since it's a common drive for most human beings (was for me too).
But to "fix" this (if it needs fixing at all, both wanting to be with the cool crowed and jealousy are pretty normal after all), then it may be:
- Reflect better on your definition of success / change it
- Address that "craving for popularity / sitting with the cool kids"
- Work to achieve that type of success (and I'd give it an 80%+ chances that as you're getting there you'll realize it was as empty a goal as it gets)
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thank you John and Lucio for your thoughtful responses!
@John : you are right that I need to reflect on my values and goals and focus on working towards those instead of caring about what others are doing with their life. Consciously I am aware of that but subconsciously I still fall into these social comparison traps every once in a while and hate myself for feeling that way. I've been doing meditation and journaling as well as picking up other hobbies to stay productive and focused on my own growth, but I still don't know how to get rid of this sticky pathetic comparison trap.
@lucio : whoa you hit the nail on the head with this! I was ok in high school but definitely struggled socially during college so it's always a deeply buried wish of mine to be more popular and sociable....You mentioned it "was" a drive for you too - how did you address this craving and/or replace with something else better? I have tried all the common tactics (meditation, therapy, journal, focus on my own growth, etc...) but whenever these waves of jealousy hit me (which they do frequently just to varying degrees), I feel like I still have made no progress...
Maybe deep down you define "success" by association with a glitzy lifestyle.
Or maybe there's still some secret wish of being part of the "cool kids" in high-school / college.
So based on your answer I would personally focus on raising my self-esteem: I recommend this book that I listened to. It helped me quite a lot.
I would also not hate me for that behaviour as it reinforces the inner critic and the idea that we’re not good enough. Then it’s a vicious circle. But rather just observe it with a curious attitude: “oh that’s the way I feel/behave? How interesting.”
Quote from dsnw2022 on September 19, 2023, 2:13 am@lucio : whoa you hit the nail on the head with this! I was ok in high school but definitely struggled socially during college so it's always a deeply buried wish of mine to be more popular and sociable....You mentioned it "was" a drive for you too - how did you address this craving and/or replace with something else better? I have tried all the common tactics (meditation, therapy, journal, focus on my own growth, etc...) but whenever these waves of jealousy hit me (which they do frequently just to varying degrees), I feel like I still have made no progress...
It's a good question, and I'm wary to reply quickly to it.
The tendency and what most people do when answering what caused complex personal changes is not to truly uncover the real drivers of that change, but to engage in either virtue-signaling (what sounds the nicest/best for them), storytelling (what sounds kinda plausible), or just some random association that have nothing to do with what truly worked.
So, at this time, the only trait I'm fairly confident will help is "maturity".
I'm positive there is more one can do -including how to speed up that "maturity" in this area-, but I'd have to think it over a bit better.
On the positive side, you can probably be glad that even without doing anything, it'll probably happen anyway... With simple time :).
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