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Insecurity while dating a girl brings out the worst in me

Hi all! I've recently reconnected with a girl I'd had couple of dates with several years ago (things ended nowhere then because of her being just broken up with and still living with her bf at the time). I had a 2-year relationship in the meantime which ended couple of months ago. Initially she seemed surprised to hear from me but after a little bit of texting back and forth we agreed on a date at a restaurant for Sunday evening.

1st date went great. We talked (70-80% of the talking was hers) and laughed a lot. We both seemed to enjoy each other's company and mentioned that we should see each other for a little hike in the mountain sometime soon. I texted her the next evening saying that I'd had a great time and would like to go out with her if she wanted to and if she was as enthusiastic about it as I was. She said she'd enjoyed the date too and we arranged the hiking for Sunday.

2nd date was good too. The enjoyment was there and a little bit of progress was made - we were now sitting at the mountain restaurant next to each other and there was more physical proximity and contact (touching, bumping, etc.). I was teasing and joking on both dates and was making sure things were progressing in a natural way, it felt easy and satisfying. She texted me soon after we parted ways saying that she'd really enjoyed the date in spite of the bad weather (it was rainy). I said that I'd enjoyed the date too and asked her to arrange another date when she gets to know her week schedule. She got back to me couple of days later saying that she is free Thursday and Friday and we arranged it for the former while chatting a little bit about how her day was going and similar small talk.

Remark: I should mention that we didn't text between dates. Blame all the relationship and dating coaches out there and the famous "phone is for setting dates only, not for getting to know the other person"  as well as me not feeling the need to chat with her in the meantime and wanting to feel the pleasure of the date itself. I was living my life and was not bothered what she was doing when we were not together.

Remark 2: Another thing is that she is a bad texter. Usually she takes hours or even a day to reply back to me which was the case, too, when I first met her several years ago. She is just like that and we have talked about it back then. While I am the opposite and reply to people fast.

Remark 3: She texted me before our first two dates to test the waters because I guess she was not sure if I would show up (as I said I arranged the date and didn't message her anymore). The first time it was an hour before the date with a subtle remark about the rainy weather and the need for umbrella while the second time - a day before the date with an outright question if we were still going to the mountain which I confirmed.

3rd date was in a bar where we sat close to each other and physical contact was increasing. Since the 2nd date I was getting hints that she wanted me to kiss her (or at least I thought she did, she was occasionally looking at my lips) and I did go for it but she turned her head sideways and refused it jokingly. When I took her to her place, we sat in the car for an hour or so. She'd had a cocktail at the bar and it had an effect on her definitely  She was very girly and sweet and didn't want to go home. We eventually made out but on the several occasions that I suggested taking her to my place or me going to hers, she refused. I texted her the next day (Friday) to confirm that I'd enjoyed the date (why wouldn't I? ) and I asked her if we could see each other the same day before she would leave for a week vacation on Saturday but she told me that we should spend the Friday apart from each other and when she gets back in town - we can arrange something. She texted me couple of hours later asking if I'd like to go out with her and I gladly accepted.

4th date took things further. We kissed each other when I went to her place to take her out like we were bf/gf. We went for a late evening walk in the park and we were holding hands while walking, embracing each other, etc. We sat on a bench and she was laying on me, I was caressing and kissing her and both of us were enjoying it. When we arrived in front of her place, we started making out in the car again. This time I got her to agree moving to the back seat where the tension was rising, you know  She still refused having sex with me but I gave her an orgasm by fingering (sorry if I sound rude or inconsiderate explaining it) to which she was very receptive and she was definitely enjoying the time. Basically we spent 2 hours in the car making out and occasionally me giving her a great time while not forgetting non-sexual ways of bonding - hugging, caressing, talking, etc.

Next day she was travelling to her home town for spending a week there and I was again the one to text her. We exchanged some small talk and I told her that I liked her feminine energy and girly behaviour. She suggested that she was an open book then but I replied that I saw her as an intriguing book that I want to read from now on. Later she sent me a picture of the river next to her house saying that she'd arrived there. Next day I sent her a photo of one of the stray dogs I feed and care for (she is a dog lover and a volunteer at the dog shelter here) and we exchanged couple of messages about it.


Now, the problem: I am totally insecure. I am outcome dependent and constantly analyzing things. I wonder where I stand with her. Getting this far with her seems to make me more and more needy and attached. Her hardly initiating contact while being great on dates seems inconsistent to me which puzzles me even more. The time between dates is a nightmare for me. I am looking for securing things which will make me feel calm and successful. I don't want to ruin this chance. I've put all my eggs in this basket. I want things to happen now.

All of the above things are awful. I aknowledge them, I see them as a turn off. Yet I can't manage coping with these emotions. What do I do? Any help is appreciated!


Sounds like your doing great.  Just be busy with your goals and don't see her too often.  She ll push for more.  That s great just don't give more too soon.  Don't see her more than twice a week.

What I m going to say next is an overall system for dating in the first 3 months.

Strong attraction is a pleasant chemical imbalance in the brain.  The only way through oneitis is to see a few girls.  Idk why it is but girls normally take 10 dates or 3 months to attach whichever comes first.  Everything up to then is unstable.  Protect your heart by seeing multiple girls guaranteed they re seeing multiple guys.  In fact hinting at that is a standard shit test many girls use to see if you're calm and unaffected by their emotions.  So if some girl says Brad is richer than you smirk and change the topic.  Of course if she does this a couple of time that's disrespect.  Dismiss her from your world.  Most of these behaviours come from evolutionary biology.  Until they come out with girl 2.0 you ll have to deal.

At the 3 month mark she ll want to have the talk and at that point if you choose you have a GF

There's a heck of a lot more to it.  Lucio s dating material is excellent.  I ve just listed a few basic ground rules that will stop you getting torn up

coresnet has reacted to this post.

Pushing is the thing I don't understand much. How much is too much, is it necessary to reach out to her or should I let her contact me, etc.? Dates are great but the contact between them is awful and makes me desperate 😀

Oneitis is a good point and I know I have it but at the moment there are no other prospects and even if there were such - I feel like I don't have the motivation and energy for other women. Dates really drain me out.

I've just found this site and I start reading the dating material here. I hope I can become better with its help as well as the help here. Thanks!