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Mindset: how to think when disrespected or abused?

Hello guys,

I noticed that when I'm disrespected or abused, it hurts me quite a bit, it lowers my self-confidence and I feel depressed afterwards.

Do you guys have any advice how to think about this?

Thanks!

Answering my own question, 2 mindsets:

Now what? So this has happened to me. What am I going to do about it.

Pain + Reflection = Progress: this pain is the opportunity for growth and dominating.

Hey John,

I knew you had the answer for this one :).

My personal opinion on those two options is that they're not very antifragile.

They both seem to take what happened as extremely seriously, while not all disrespect or abuse are that serious.
Mind you, you can still make a mental note of a bitch or a SOB who disrespected you and whom you'd like to even things out with.

I have lots of those mental notes.

But asking yourself "now what" and "pain +.... " both can blow the event out of proportion.

Ideally, you'd want to be able to let the negative events pass you by like water off a duck's back.

Granted, it's not easy.
But the way you think and reflect on them will determine a lot on how easily you'll be able to shake them off and move on with minimal impact.
I can tell you this: I used to take things extremely personally and stew and plan and dream revenge. Maybe that's one of the reasons why I got good at analyzing power dynamics: because I was/am a mix of sensitive, touchy and high on power.

And I still have a long way to go.
But I have come a long way.
I had a journal entry some time ago on being on set as an actor and having no one less than the director of the show laugh at me, together with all the troupe around shaking their heads while I fucked up scene after scene.
Only a few years ago, I'd have wanted to get a submachine gun and kill everyone. When that happened a few months ago, my self-esteem and confidence took a hit -it still does juuust a bit when I think about it- and I did get angry and I did mishandle some situations. But it was a thousand times better than it was in the past.

The "solutions" are the usual:

  • Antifragile ego
  • Growth mindset
  • REBT / CBT
  • Detachment / looking at yourself like a machine / looking at yourself from above as if you were living life in third person

And some TPM shit:

Actual performance:

Hey, excuse me, that's rude of you to laugh at me, how do you think it makes me feel to sit there and have the director laugh (then, silence, let them answer. Vulnerability power move, I learned it from you, John)

After the events:

Hey, can I talk to you for a second. I wanted to share a feedback (then say your piece, it's better than stewing 80% of the times)

Mental short-term boost:

"Fuck you bitch, I've traveled the world and the seven seas, I put basic bitches like you at 90 degrees. See if you can touch me"

Yes, the above is NOT antifragile, it's NOT learner's mindset, and it's even butthurt.
But it can serve to break pattern, get you into a laugh, and give you a short-term boost.

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Oh, and another mindset I like is:

  • I am bigger / superior / above anything that can happen to me

Whatever small thing can be thrown at you, you take pride in being bigger and superior to it. Almost like you're smiling at it.

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Thank you very much Lucio, much appreciated and a BIG mindset upgrade for me.

Vulnerability power move, I learned it from you, John

I'm happy I could be of service.

  • I am bigger / superior / above anything that can happen to me

This is what I needed to hear and what I was missing in my mindset. Thank you very much!

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Cheers, John!

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I found this video by Renee Thompson, which I think is quite good in this regard:

I found this great mindset: I don't give you permission to hurt me.

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on October 14, 2020, 6:44 pm

Ideally, you'd want to be able to let the negative events pass you by like water off a duck's back.

Granted, it's not easy.
But the way you think and reflect on them will determine a lot on how easily you'll be able to shake them off and move on with minimal impact.
I can tell you this: I used to take things extremely personally and stew and plan and dream revenge. Maybe that's one of the reasons why I got good at analyzing power dynamics: because I was/am a mix of sensitive, touchy and high on power.

And I still have a long way to go.
But I have come a long way.

I just got here by reflecting on disrespect and how to think about people, and I find much comfort in finding out that the incessant big revenge thoughts I am having while studying Power University are part of the learning phase.

So thanks Lucio for sharing this. It is very helpful.

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Lucio Buffalmano
Quote from Bel on May 17, 2022, 1:19 am

I just got here by reflecting on disrespect and how to think about people, and I find much comfort in finding out that the incessant big revenge thoughts I am having while studying Power University are part of the learning phase.

So thanks Lucio for sharing this. It is very helpful.

Yes, I do think it's part of the growth and learning trajectory.

Some other possible mindsets include:

  • Find solace knowing that it's not over until it's over: I almost always move on, I often "understand", but I almost never forget. So as long as you're alive, it's always possible that you may get even one day
  • Take your revenge in a "parallel universe": And for the bigger stuff there is a parallel universe where we meet again, but in different circumstances (me more power-aware, me with nothing to lose, us two on a desert island, etc. etc.)
  • Take your revenge mentally: albeit I'm not sure how healthy this is and probably it's best to keep it controlled and to a minimum. Things tend to grow the more you dwell on them, so probably making this exercise more confined in time is the best approach
  • See it as part of life cycle: I'm afraid that it's in the nature of (many, most?) humans to take more and take advantage of others when they can. Just the way things are. When power unaware, it is just too inviting for some to have their free power meal
  • See it as evidence of your progress: you can always look back and think of how bad it was. Or you can look back and think and how far you've come -and how further you'll go with your empowerment-
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