Please or Register to create posts and topics.

occam's journal - what brought me here and where i want to go (maybe nsfw)

Greetings everyone,

A few days ago I had an identity crisis induced panic attack. I'm early 30s so maybe a real-deal mid life crisis? Everything felt hopeless and I was thoroughly disgusted with who I’ve become. I have a sex addiction, and it’s been enabling and enforcing a low self-esteem, low power, complacent, and passive frame of mind that I’ve essentially engrained into my psyche. Some of the following may be a bit nsfw since it has sexual themes. It all began with romantic failures when I was young. I was a very dominate and leadership minded child, but that all changed around puberty when everyone grew bigger than me. Even as an adult I still am on the small side of the scale at 5'7 and 130lbs (167 cm and 59 kg). in school I never turned down a fight and developed a reputation that kept me from being bullied, but I was overtly dominated by a close friend and accepted my place beneath him; and thus began my spiral into submission and thinking of myself as less than.

I lost my virginity to a man (I am also male) when I was 18. It started from a place of pure sexual frustration and snowballed into a full addiction. I am a decent looking guy and had loads of desire for girls in my school, but was painfully shy and lacked the social awareness or skills to interact with them. I instead spent my days at home consuming cannabis and existing on the internet. I turned 18 at the beginning of my senior year of high school, and still a desperate virgin I began to look online because interacting with the girls at my school seemed impossible after a couple (laughable looking back now) rejections. I discovered the craigslist personals section and made it a daily activity to browse. Anyone who is familiar knows that while decent women did exist on craigslist and I did meet a few - it was overwhelmingly men looking for other men.

I had never had any interest in men prior, but I found myself aroused by some of the very graphic posts, many even claimed to be 'straight' or bi and seemed to be interested in smaller guys like myself. I was aroused mostly from how 'wrong' or taboo I perceived it. I made a post out of curiosity and received hundreds of replies from every type of man you can think of. Suddenly I was sexually desirable - I thought that this must be how it is to be a desirable female. Starved for affection and attention, bored, and horny, I rationalized going further 'I must just be bi, maybe; nothing wrong with that'. I’m not particularly attracted to the male physique nor have I ever developed romantic feelings for men, but was excited by the idea of experiencing more of what I imagined it must be like to be a girl. I replied to an attractive older man that sent me a kind message, met up with him and

Spoiler
received penetrative anal sex.

He was a good guy, patient and knowledgeable, made the experience very pleasant and I had a great time. So I continued to see him every month or so for the next few years and male on male sex became normalized in my mind as just something i do for fun and sexual release. It wasn’t until he began to insist that I was in fact totally gay and that I should be his boyfriend, that I decided I had to stop seeing him.

In the years following I continued to explore and lived a double life - traditional dominate role with women (mostly, i do also enjoy sexual submission to females), and sexually submissive and passive with men. I had a few ultimately unsuccessful relationships with women; but when I was not with a woman, I would find sexual release with men. I am closeted but I’m not internally conflicted with the choices I’ve made to explore sex with men or submission - I enjoyed myself. But I’m beginning to realize that it has had a lasting effect on how I view myself, especially with relation to other men.

The discovery that ultimately led me to have a crisis was a blog. It was a blog about cuckolding and written from the dominate female partner's perspective. It explained in great explicit detail and offered advice on the process of taking weak willed 'beta males' and forcing them into what I’d call a form of sexual and domestic slavery through psychological manipulation and humiliation tactics. It scared the shit out of me because I realized how absolutely vulnerable I am and have been to this, and had one of my ex's wanted to do this - I probably would have willingly walked right into it.

I decided I didn’t want to be that desperate male partner that would do anything so that his wife wouldn't leave him. I don’t want to be a beta male anymore, I’m not trying to be some macho super dominate alpha asshole - but I am tired of feeling weak, feeling like other men are above me, feeling less than and not having any confidence, feeling afraid of rejection, feeling complacent, and disrespecting myself and letting people disrespect me. I want to change, and I came across some of Lucio’s writings here - and it really felt like what I need to read. I want to be completely in control of my life, get what I want, and not be slave to my impulses or anyone or anything. #1 I want to conquer my sexual addiction and stop having casual sex.

I do wonder though, if sexual submission is something i will continue to enjoy. And if it is - is it possible to still lead a dominate lifestyle and enjoy sexual submission or are the two mutually exclusive? Right now i feel like sexual submission is reinforcing a submissive frame of mind that id like to escape. So its probably something i should stop. I wonder if I will lose interest in sexual submission the more that I change my lifestyle to be more dominate?

Any comments, advice, questions, and words of encouragement are appreciated.

 

Hey occam,

Welcome here!

I'm not a great expert on this, so take my advice for a personal opinion.

I'd personally stop the double life with men.

One, because unless you are open about it, you will not be able to be authentic with the people -and women- you engage with.
And two, because, for men, it does come at a heavy price in terms of status to swing both ways.

Finally, yes, there might be a relationship between how you act sexually, how you think about yourself, and how you behave in the rest of your life.

FOCUS LESS ON DOMINANT / DOMINATED / WEAK BETA / DOMESTIC SLAVERY

It scared the shit out of me because I realized how absolutely vulnerable I am and have been to this, and had one of my ex's wanted to do this - I probably would have willingly walked right into it.

Can you share that post?

Curious to take a look.

From the sound of it, it seems like you might be overblowing stuff.

You might read now of how cars kill hundreds of thousands of people, but getting scared of car is not (necessarily) the right answer to that.

Focus more on being a high-quality man in life, and general, and what happens with women in the relationship becomes a consequence of who you are -not the other way around-.

THE PAST: LET IT GO

Man, I see a lot of background story of where you come from and what was your past.

I find that information can come at a cost when you start thinking that it determines who you became, who you are, or who you are going to be.

For example:

but I was overtly dominated by a close friend and accepted my place beneath him; and thus began my spiral into submission and thinking of myself as less than.

You're giving too much weight to that guy.

Everyone accepts places above or beneath others in their lives, that's how it goes, it was a non-event, in my opinion.

I don't think he made you start on anything. Don't blame that guy for how you felt or what you did, that's terribly disempowering, and unfair both towards him, and towards yourself.

Matthew Whitewood, John Freeman and occam have reacted to this post.
Matthew WhitewoodJohn Freemanoccam
Have you read the forum guidelines for effective communication already?

Thank you Lucio for the welcome and your thoughts. I certainly wouldn't expect that you would be an expert in this area haha - but hope that maybe my journey can contribute to your professional development. I would be happy to share the blog, although maybe better shared in private (i could email it to you) it wasn't an individual post per se, but the general methods that are described across the entire blog. There may be a particular post that has kind of a summary of her methods I'll try to find it. i've read back to about july of 2020. Warning: It is extremely graphic.

I want to stop the double life with men, and your reasons are sound. I have told past female partners, but it always felt like some big secret I had to unload.

I find that information can come at a cost when you start thinking that it determines who you became, who you are, or who you are going to be.

You are right. I don't think I've been historically particularly prone letting my past define me, but I really felt like it all recently suddenly caught up with me.

Thanks again for the thoughts. I feel encouraged that I'm on the right path and determined to make the effort needed to make a positive change.

Lucio Buffalmano has reacted to this post.
Lucio Buffalmano

I found a post that hits some of the major points that bothered me and have linked to a screenshot below if anyone is interested. It bothered me because I could see myself naively entering into this kind of situation because it pushes all my fun buttons. She goes into lots more detail in other posts about how she frames her relationship and uses humiliation to enforce compliance. https://ibb.co/4dvprCk https://ibb.co/DKFjjFb https://ibb.co/18T8DjJ 

I see, thanks for sharing man.

Do you think that woman is real?

That first story sounds like written on purpose to attract a certain target and audience.

You know, when some stories sound too out of the ordinary to be true, they are either the exceptions -possible-, or they're made up.

If a woman in real life would go on whispering to many men who approach her "I know you're a beta, come home and I'll  fuck you", the vast majority of guys would walk away, and not take her up on her offer. And it wouldn't take long for some guys to turn aggressive (wondering if the guys who'd turn aggressive even outnumber those who accept).

occam has reacted to this post.
occam
Have you read the forum guidelines for effective communication already?

I do think the woman is real.

I agree the first post is maybe a bit manufactured. But regardless, if an attractive female that I was hitting on in a bar was this forward, a week ago (before I started actively thinking about this stuff) I would have been the exception and took her up on the offer. I have no doubt that most men would reject this - and I recognize that this would be the appropriate move just in terms of self respect and social norms (imagine if the sexes were swapped, how many respectable women would respond favorably - very few probably). Many men probably would turn aggressive, but that definitely seems like ceding power and giving her the upper hand - the best response would be to turn around and walk away without saying anything I'd think.

But that's where I'm at. I'm sexually aroused by activities that I want to avoid due to its impact on my self image. I want to get control of my kinks so that I'm not doing things that I regret, and getting into lose-win relationships that don't improve my mental health and further my own self-development.

I'm not against continuing to explore submission with females, but I'd prefer to do it in a way where I control the frame - and do it not because I'm so weak that I get conquered, but because I am actually strong and totally secure with myself and what I like and want.

I see.

And I think you're having a good approach about it.

When you have a craving that only a few people can satisfy (gives lots of power to them), and that makes you feel less confident about yourself, and that makes you lose status if word goes around (it's a status risk, plus gives even more power to the people who could potentially blackmail you)... Then it's a good idea to get it under control, or reframe it in a way that's more empowering.

occam has reacted to this post.
occam
Have you read the forum guidelines for effective communication already?

Thanks Lucio. Really appreciate your thoughts.

I think getting it all out 'on paper' was very helpful. Thanks for the back and forth, it helped me distill my feelings into something more real.

Enjoying the course so far, going to try to work through some more lessons today and this weekend.

 

Lucio Buffalmano and ZenDancer have reacted to this post.
Lucio BuffalmanoZenDancer

Thanks for your honesty OCCAM... I identify with some of the childhood experiences, and feeling 'weaker' than other men as an adolescent... we all have 'our thing' when it comes to sexuality, and for me (and I only speak for myself), being honest about who I am and 'owning' who I am is fundamental... whenever I'm being dishonest about myself, or covering up aspects of myself, in my relationships with others, shame and self-recrimination are given a way into my psyche... over the years I've worked through a lot of toxic shame that was instilled in me in an abusive childhood, and I undoubtedly still have insecurities that I would sometimes like to pretend aren't there, but it has been through learning to be honest about them, and thereby learning to fully embrace being who I really am - i.e being authentic - that I've found healing and empowerment...

Looking forward to reading more of your journey,

Lucas