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Re-connecting with old friends from hometown

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#1 · March 19, 2023, 9:09 pm

Quote from John Freeman on March 19, 2023, 9:09 pm
Hello everyone,

It's been 20 years I moved from my hometown. During that time I was a bit sad and disappointed that my friends from my hometown would not get in touch with me for many years if it would not come from me. So I contacted them less and less, last time was 4 years ago. After having done some introspection, I decided to get back in touch with one of them a few months ago. We had drinks and a good time.

This week-end I was at a board game convention in my hometown and brought my friends from my current city. I could reconnect with my old friends whom I met at the convention.

My attitude

I talked with my friend from my current city about this situation. That I wanted to forgive my old friends and reconnect. It was a difficult and painful experience for me to see that there was no reciprocity from their part during these years. It took me years to let it go. For me, I thought they were not my real friends. Especially since one who I thought was my best friend when we were children/teenagers not inviting me to his marriage.

My friend told me that it happens often that when someone leaves their hometown, local people don't stay in touch with them. So he blamed it on the situation. I agreed with him as his frame was more empowering. I think that at the time I was also not socially skilled enough. I could not defend so probably I was a bit of a soft target. For instance when I told them that I was going to study medicine (at 32 years old after having had already 2 other degrees), they laughed at me. They did because in their minds I was the eternal student. Whereas in my mind I was looking for my purpose. So I felt betrayed and hurt.

Now I view it more strategically: It's better for me to have them as friends than not. Even if it means I'm the one who has to initiate contact or move to my hometown instead of them coming to visit me. For reference, we are 100km apart(!!). I think there was also an element of jealousy towards me and not understanding my path as there is a gap between us: some of them are married, some bought a house or going to buy a house. So my out-of-the-ordinary path was not very well understood.

Now they respect me for being a doctor and all of course. But I had to earn their respect the hard way.

I don't judge it and I don't judge them. They behaved as they did and so did I. It is what it is. I also understand that the situation was probably responsible of it as well: many people leaving their hometown experienced the same. Additionally one is viewed as "having left" (some kind of abandonment), so I think people are expecting the person to "come back". They were very happy to see me and I think they do love me. However, they did not understand my needs as a friend: call me at least once a year to get some news. Heck! At least every 2 years.

But it's all good, it's in the past. Now we are today. Maybe I did not voice my expectations maybe we were having different expectations. It does not really matter who's at fault or not. What matters is what I can do now. What I can do now is see old friends more often to make it win-win. It does not matter what they think about my life choices. What matters is that we spend good moments together and respect one another. I definitely witnessed this the past week-end.

What I want to share is that it's important to let go of past hurt and be the "bigger man". I think I have more to gain by being warm and a good friend. I don't have any more bitterness, hurt or sadness in my heart anyway.

So it is a tough lesson for me to learn about human nature (my interpretation: people will do what is most convenient to them) but I will make the best of it.

I can now also see who likes me more and want to see me. It's these people I will focus on. I was also focussing on the wrong people and therefore was investing in the wrong place. One of them whom I thought was my best friend, I think he's not. I don't know if for him I was at anytime and it does not matter. He's a friend. I do understand that I had probably too high expectations in terms of friendships from them and that I did not take enough into account that I'm the one who moved out. On top of it I made different life choices that were probably not well understood (or explained). So I think this added up to make me the odd one out. They also might have felt as if I abandoned them or felt like I was better than them. I definitely felt at some point that they were stagnating in our hometown as I was exploring the World and having higher ambitions. But I changed my views.

One last thing that pained me is that I was the one to bring all these people together. They're still friends today. I felt in the past this was also a betrayal. But now I see it differently. I'm proud and happy that I could be part of bringing these people together. It's a good thing and what matters the most.

So now this is all behind as all the bitterness, hurt, sadness and disappointment have left me. I see now my responsibility in the situation as I gave up on the relationship because I took it personally.

It's been a few years that I decided to be a good friend, so let's be one! This is all about being the best person I can be, it's not about blaming anyone. I take full responsibility as I could have done a better job at seeing them more often.

I'm aware it's a long post, it seems I had many things to get out of my chest. It could have been in my journal but I think some other forum members could be living this situation and it's easier to find it here.

Happy to read any thoughts on this topic!

Hello everyone,

It's been 20 years I moved from my hometown. During that time I was a bit sad and disappointed that my friends from my hometown would not get in touch with me for many years if it would not come from me. So I contacted them less and less, last time was 4 years ago. After having done some introspection, I decided to get back in touch with one of them a few months ago. We had drinks and a good time.

This week-end I was at a board game convention in my hometown and brought my friends from my current city. I could reconnect with my old friends whom I met at the convention.

My attitude

I talked with my friend from my current city about this situation. That I wanted to forgive my old friends and reconnect. It was a difficult and painful experience for me to see that there was no reciprocity from their part during these years. It took me years to let it go. For me, I thought they were not my real friends. Especially since one who I thought was my best friend when we were children/teenagers not inviting me to his marriage.

My friend told me that it happens often that when someone leaves their hometown, local people don't stay in touch with them. So he blamed it on the situation. I agreed with him as his frame was more empowering. I think that at the time I was also not socially skilled enough. I could not defend so probably I was a bit of a soft target. For instance when I told them that I was going to study medicine (at 32 years old after having had already 2 other degrees), they laughed at me. They did because in their minds I was the eternal student. Whereas in my mind I was looking for my purpose. So I felt betrayed and hurt.

Now I view it more strategically: It's better for me to have them as friends than not. Even if it means I'm the one who has to initiate contact or move to my hometown instead of them coming to visit me. For reference, we are 100km apart(!!). I think there was also an element of jealousy towards me and not understanding my path as there is a gap between us: some of them are married, some bought a house or going to buy a house. So my out-of-the-ordinary path was not very well understood.

Now they respect me for being a doctor and all of course. But I had to earn their respect the hard way.

I don't judge it and I don't judge them. They behaved as they did and so did I. It is what it is. I also understand that the situation was probably responsible of it as well: many people leaving their hometown experienced the same. Additionally one is viewed as "having left" (some kind of abandonment), so I think people are expecting the person to "come back". They were very happy to see me and I think they do love me. However, they did not understand my needs as a friend: call me at least once a year to get some news. Heck! At least every 2 years.

But it's all good, it's in the past. Now we are today. Maybe I did not voice my expectations maybe we were having different expectations. It does not really matter who's at fault or not. What matters is what I can do now. What I can do now is see old friends more often to make it win-win. It does not matter what they think about my life choices. What matters is that we spend good moments together and respect one another. I definitely witnessed this the past week-end.

What I want to share is that it's important to let go of past hurt and be the "bigger man". I think I have more to gain by being warm and a good friend. I don't have any more bitterness, hurt or sadness in my heart anyway.

So it is a tough lesson for me to learn about human nature (my interpretation: people will do what is most convenient to them) but I will make the best of it.

I can now also see who likes me more and want to see me. It's these people I will focus on. I was also focussing on the wrong people and therefore was investing in the wrong place. One of them whom I thought was my best friend, I think he's not. I don't know if for him I was at anytime and it does not matter. He's a friend. I do understand that I had probably too high expectations in terms of friendships from them and that I did not take enough into account that I'm the one who moved out. On top of it I made different life choices that were probably not well understood (or explained). So I think this added up to make me the odd one out. They also might have felt as if I abandoned them or felt like I was better than them. I definitely felt at some point that they were stagnating in our hometown as I was exploring the World and having higher ambitions. But I changed my views.

One last thing that pained me is that I was the one to bring all these people together. They're still friends today. I felt in the past this was also a betrayal. But now I see it differently. I'm proud and happy that I could be part of bringing these people together. It's a good thing and what matters the most.

So now this is all behind as all the bitterness, hurt, sadness and disappointment have left me. I see now my responsibility in the situation as I gave up on the relationship because I took it personally.

It's been a few years that I decided to be a good friend, so let's be one! This is all about being the best person I can be, it's not about blaming anyone. I take full responsibility as I could have done a better job at seeing them more often.

I'm aware it's a long post, it seems I had many things to get out of my chest. It could have been in my journal but I think some other forum members could be living this situation and it's easier to find it here.

Happy to read any thoughts on this topic!

Alexandr, Jack and 2 other users have reacted to this post.

Transitioned@transitioned

714 Posts

Empowered Member

#2 · March 19, 2023, 11:21 pm

Hi John,

Seems like a fireside thread so hope I'm allowed to ramble....

Yea those are some harsh truths and is truth. I have reached out to old friends in NZ who never contact me and then they put it on me. Oh why don't you email or whatsapp me more. Yep giving more to a taker - that's not going to be high on my list. Reality is like attracts like. So people in their 30s and 40s who don't have kids are your natural tribe. People with families are too busy. We have also been through 3 COVID years so the whole world has taken a hit. And so even more than usual, it is your job to organise your social life - most people are too distracted and/or lazy. One thing you could do is set yourself up with an apartment with a spare room and double bed. I offer myself to my NZ friends as free acommodation in Melbourne. And you and the other TPM brothers are included in that offer.

Unfortunately Melbourne isn't really an exciting destination for Kiwis so I don't get many takers. Then you can become the unofficial tour guide of your town/city. Group chat hey this great event, and free board at mine.

I think you are right about the hikes. The only meetup we attended that seem to have potential in making friends was a hiking one which unfortunately ceased. Spending extended time with people means deeper talks.

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John Freeman@amerok

2,512 PostsTopic Author

Empowered Member

#3 · March 20, 2023, 12:10 pm

Quote from John Freeman on March 20, 2023, 12:10 pm
Thank you very much, Transitioned!

Quote from Transitioned on March 19, 2023, 11:21 pm

Yea those are some harsh truths and is truth. I have reached out to old friends in NZ who never contact me and then they put it on me. Oh why don't you email or whatsapp me more. Yep giving more to a taker - that's not going to be high on my list. Reality is like attracts like. So people in their 30s and 40s who don't have kids are your natural tribe. People with families are too busy.

100%, not all of my friends have families but it's definitely true. What I realize is that my friendship were not as deep as I thought they were. Yes we have love for one another, yes we grew up together but I'm not sure they really know me. So it's more that we share a passion for board games sci-fi, etc. I would say that we are not close friends outside of this and it's alright. And that's where my disappointment came from. Well, that was just a mistake.

I also realize that what estranged us from one another is social comparison. They do compare themselves to one another and also to me of course. So I noticed that they were actually judging me. Again, it's ok and I'm not holding grudge for it. My friends:

Police officer, now the head of a K-9 unit, got married just bought a house: he's the one I thought who was my best friend, did not get in touch for me at all (one-sided relationship), did not invite me to his marriage. He's impressed by my life path but he has other values (stability, security for instance).

Windowmaker/seller, has his own business, is going to buy a house: he told me that he does not know anyone who studied that much. I kind of justified myself but next time I'll just say: "yes it took me some time to figure out my profession." He has work as a value in his family rather than studies so for him it's lower value to have studied that much. I think he views studying as being lazy or immature. For him there's something wrong with me having studied so much. It's true that I studied a lot but it was worth it to find a profession I enjoy doing.

Microtechnology engineer, now an expert in his field but, has 2 children married:

Computer engineer, I don't know his current situation but he must be head/chief of something at our age: I think he's impressed with what I did

It's good that we all still share this passion for board games (previously was video games + board games) and this is how we will reconnect. It's funny because we played with the police officer this week-end. He was a sore loser at 10 years old and he's still a sore loser at 43. He gets too much of an emotional blow on his self-esteem when he loses. It was funny for me to see he did not change his mindset regarding losing in games. I personnally view losing as a learning experience, I go into games with the intention of winning, but if I don't, I learn.

So there definitely was/is an element of power dynamics/social status with my friends, which is normal and expected. I think I was just oblivious to it at the time.

We have also been through 3 COVID years so the whole world has taken a hit. And so even more than usual, it is your job to organise your social life - most people are too distracted and/or lazy.

True.

One thing you could do is set yourself up with an apartment with a spare room and double bed. I offer myself to my NZ friends as free acommodation in Melbourne. And you and the other TPM brothers are included in that offer.

You are a great friend to your friends. Thank you very much! I plan to come to Australia in 1-3 years so I'll definitely will let you know!

Unfortunately Melbourne isn't really an exciting destination for Kiwis so I don't get many takers. Then you can become the unofficial tour guide of your town/city. Group chat hey this great event, and free board at mine.

Great idea!

I think you are right about the hikes. The only meetup we attended that seem to have potential in making friends was a hiking one which unfortunately ceased. Spending extended time with people means deeper talks.

Yeah, hikes are greats for both mental and physical health and connecting with friends.

Thank you very much, Transitioned!

Quote from Transitioned on March 19, 2023, 11:21 pm

Yea those are some harsh truths and is truth. I have reached out to old friends in NZ who never contact me and then they put it on me. Oh why don't you email or whatsapp me more. Yep giving more to a taker - that's not going to be high on my list. Reality is like attracts like. So people in their 30s and 40s who don't have kids are your natural tribe. People with families are too busy.

100%, not all of my friends have families but it's definitely true. What I realize is that my friendship were not as deep as I thought they were. Yes we have love for one another, yes we grew up together but I'm not sure they really know me. So it's more that we share a passion for board games sci-fi, etc. I would say that we are not close friends outside of this and it's alright. And that's where my disappointment came from. Well, that was just a mistake.

I also realize that what estranged us from one another is social comparison. They do compare themselves to one another and also to me of course. So I noticed that they were actually judging me. Again, it's ok and I'm not holding grudge for it. My friends:

Police officer, now the head of a K-9 unit, got married just bought a house: he's the one I thought who was my best friend, did not get in touch for me at all (one-sided relationship), did not invite me to his marriage. He's impressed by my life path but he has other values (stability, security for instance).
Windowmaker/seller, has his own business, is going to buy a house: he told me that he does not know anyone who studied that much. I kind of justified myself but next time I'll just say: "yes it took me some time to figure out my profession." He has work as a value in his family rather than studies so for him it's lower value to have studied that much. I think he views studying as being lazy or immature. For him there's something wrong with me having studied so much. It's true that I studied a lot but it was worth it to find a profession I enjoy doing.
Microtechnology engineer, now an expert in his field but, has 2 children married:
Computer engineer, I don't know his current situation but he must be head/chief of something at our age: I think he's impressed with what I did

It's good that we all still share this passion for board games (previously was video games + board games) and this is how we will reconnect. It's funny because we played with the police officer this week-end. He was a sore loser at 10 years old and he's still a sore loser at 43. He gets too much of an emotional blow on his self-esteem when he loses. It was funny for me to see he did not change his mindset regarding losing in games. I personnally view losing as a learning experience, I go into games with the intention of winning, but if I don't, I learn.

So there definitely was/is an element of power dynamics/social status with my friends, which is normal and expected. I think I was just oblivious to it at the time.

We have also been through 3 COVID years so the whole world has taken a hit. And so even more than usual, it is your job to organise your social life - most people are too distracted and/or lazy.

True.

One thing you could do is set yourself up with an apartment with a spare room and double bed. I offer myself to my NZ friends as free acommodation in Melbourne. And you and the other TPM brothers are included in that offer.

You are a great friend to your friends. Thank you very much! I plan to come to Australia in 1-3 years so I'll definitely will let you know!

Unfortunately Melbourne isn't really an exciting destination for Kiwis so I don't get many takers. Then you can become the unofficial tour guide of your town/city. Group chat hey this great event, and free board at mine.

Great idea!

I think you are right about the hikes. The only meetup we attended that seem to have potential in making friends was a hiking one which unfortunately ceased. Spending extended time with people means deeper talks.

Yeah, hikes are greats for both mental and physical health and connecting with friends.

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Lucio Buffalmano@lucio

6,647 Posts

#4 · March 20, 2023, 2:13 pm

A different perspective on this:

My childhood friends and I almost never chat or talk besides meeting in person when we're all there.

We did a WhatsApp group and that was not long ago, and except for birthdays and some very rare events, it's mostly dead.

I personally think it detracts nothing from the friendship, from the "history together", or from the pleasure of meeting once again.
As a matter of fact, I personally prefer it like that.

This is not to invalidate any of the great points in this thread, but just to say that "little or no contact does not necessarily mean poorer friendship".

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John Freeman@amerok

2,512 PostsTopic Author

Empowered Member

#5 · March 20, 2023, 3:35 pm

Thanks!

I agree and this is what I'm (re-?)discovering, it is an important point. What I'm also understanding from your post is to let go of the way the old friendship was and re-connect in new ways.

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John Freeman@amerok

2,512 PostsTopic Author

Empowered Member

#6 · March 20, 2023, 7:25 pm

Addendum:

I understand that my friends were judging me for not being in a relationship as well. When I told them "I'm free like a bird" with a smile, they were not smiling. So there is definitely a frame of me not being "adult" enough or having enough of a high status.

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Transitioned@transitioned

714 Posts

Empowered Member

#7 · March 20, 2023, 9:52 pm

Hi John

Wow there was a point in my ramble ...who was to know 😉

I think the free as a bird sends the message of not one of us.

I learnt to say. Yes unfortunately haven't found the right girl at the right time yet right time yet but I'm still looking for my other half. Hey if you know any good ladies....?

Socially acceptable, your not challenging their life choices and making them an ally on your soul mate quest.

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John Freeman@amerok

2,512 PostsTopic Author

Empowered Member

#8 · March 21, 2023, 11:55 am

Quote from Transitioned on March 20, 2023, 9:52 pm

Hi John

Wow there was a point in my ramble ...who was to know 😉

Hahaha. No ramble to me, friend!

I think the free as a bird sends the message of not one of us.

Yeah, and this is what I noticed is that by moving I sent this message.

My friend who's a police officer told me that he was happy with his new dog "biting his first assole's asses" and laughed.

Well, I don't think it's funny. So there are definitely differences between us and I understand why we're not that close as I thought.

I also realize that they are less open-minded than I thought. That they do have some kind of the small town mentality.

I learnt to say. Yes unfortunately haven't found the right girl at the right time yet right time yet but I'm still looking for my other half. Hey if you know any good ladies....?

Socially acceptable, your not challenging their life choices and making them an ally on your soul mate quest.

Definitely, that is also one of the thing that made us grow apart: different life choices. I believe in PU, Lucio said that for some people just by being who you are it's like a big middle finger to some people life choices. I don't think it goes that far but there is definitely a difference and therefore the judgment on my own life choices.

And that is actually the right situation: I am looking for someone. Their reaction might also come from me being in the pickup community years ago and they still have this image of me. Hence their cold reaction.

So there is a lot of image things going on I believe. I think they have a certain image of me and don't know me so well. This is fair as years went by. So again, the ball is in my court.