Please or Register to create posts and topics.

Resentment after microaggresions from coworkers

Hello,

I have noticed the following issue with myself after finishing the PU.

I guess that other PU-trained members here might be dealing with the same issue, so any advice on the matter could be very useful.

I notice my resentment & anger towards myself and towards the micro-aggressor to be magnified when they caught me off guard and I fail to respond appropriately & on the spot using any of the PU techniques against micro-aggresions.

The failure to respond on the spot really bothers me & sometimes "the pain" can last for the rest of the day or more.

How do you latter re-empower your self in such situations?

This is extra hard when the micro-aggressor is a coworker of the same team which means that you have to interact with them every day. Also, the option of changing team/company can be very costly when you already are on a very good position.

One option could be the passive resistance & least effort re-empowerment techniques from PU. But for how long? Using these techniques for more time than necessary could be self-damaging & self-frame you as passive-aggresive i think.

Hey XH,

Do you have a brief example or two?

Without an example it's difficult to say if you're being overly sensitive or not (or even if you're misreading higher-order power moves into a micro-aggression).

Reframe: it’s "pain for gain", a great sign

As a general rule, I can tell you that it's a great sign.

The resentment is like being hungry, cold, feeling pain, or even being sexually excited (but without yet a mate).

It might not be pleasant to feel it, but it's the stimulus you need to correct course, survive and thrive.

No pain, no correction.

The next steps are:

  1. Learning to take appropriate action: so that the resentment is rarer
  2. Detaching yourself emotionally

Growing into "painless emotional detachment"

Finally, if it can make you feel better, power moves often do the opposite for me (and they can eventually do the same for you): they make me more emotionally detached.

The more of them I spot, the more I emotionally turn people off and the more I'm motivated to distance myself.
To me, it's a signal of low-quality and a warning of disengagement.

There are times of course where I also get resentful.
Recently, on an airplane.

But even then, it was "pain for gain".
I don't mind that "pain". Actually, I love it. I think of it as empowering.
Next time I'll know better (or maybe next time I'll slip again and I'll need a few times to really make it work. But it's still empowering).


Curious to hear if others have had a similar progression.

XH has reacted to this post.
XH
Have you read the forum guidelines for effective communication already?

A brief example that i considered to be microaggression:

Him: (says something that i partially heard)

Other coworker: (quickly responds & thread-expands)

Him: (responds to other coworker)

Me: (repeating what i partially heard asking him to repeat the whole thing, so i could join the discussion)

Him: Are you still there? (Implying that im slow in catching up with the discussion)

 

Thank you Lucio, i feel much better & prepared now with your suggestions.

Especially with the mindset of reframing the pain as a good thing.

Regarding the distancing & detachment aspects i think that it is a bit tricky for recurring interactions that you are forced to attend like team meetings at work since the distancing can damage the team morale.

 

Yeah, with that example it seems like you properly assess the situation.

Without turning this into a "specific case" topic, you could have replied with a serious tone: "I've always been here man, I didn't catch what you said and if I get it maybe I can contribute something positive".
Such as, you don't play any game back but with the beginning of the sentence you quickly dispatch his game, and with the second part you re-set the frame to what it should be: everyone contributing to make things better.

Distancing with coworkers

In terms of distancing and detachment you're right that it's far easier with people who are not "staples" in your lives.

But I don't fully agree that you can't do it with coworkers.

My point is that if someone is always playing power moves, he or she is a turkey. And, as such, is not a person that is close to you in any way. As such, does not get any space in your emotional world.

Doesn't mean you can't work with them. Doesn't even mean you can't joke with them, go to lunch, or be friendly.

When they play a game again you mentally think "there's Mr. Idiot being an idiot once again" and react to it to the best of your ability -hopefully turning the power tables and coming out of it better off than if there wasn't any game in the first place".

XH has reacted to this post.
XH
Have you read the forum guidelines for effective communication already?

From the response you suggest to "Are you still there?" i think that maybe we are not in sync for its meaning.

The meaning in that case was that i was left behind in a previous point in the discussion while the discussion had moved forward (which became an opportunity for him to publicly disempower me by calling it out).

The response you suggest fits better to the "are you still here with us (physically or mentally)" meaning if i get it correctly (i can be wrong).

Again thank you Lucio for providing me all those useful mindsets for handling such occasions!

Lucio Buffalmano has reacted to this post.
Lucio Buffalmano

Got it.
Yeah, my response was for "are you still there (mentally / physically)", so not applicable in that case.

Anyway, this topic is more for general approaches, so the rest stands :).

XH has reacted to this post.
XH
Have you read the forum guidelines for effective communication already?

I ended up on this website partially because of my feelings of resentment.
(A large part is due to curiosity and desire for self-actualisation)

I am quite interested in revenge and resentment.
I will include my thoughts so far on this by linking this thread:

How Revenge Restores Self-Esteem in High-Power Individuals? - Vertical Individualism

I also have unproductive feelings of revenge and resentment which I find this video to have helped me a lot:

PS: the guy speaks in quite a high-power way in my opinion

Feelings of Resentment: Good or Bad?

I am on the same page as Lucio:

  • Acts as a drive/catalyst for learning
  • Shows that you have sensitivity in power dynamics

I think one good way would be to let the feeling of resentment float through your mind.
Treating feelings of resentment as a temporary signal.
It helps with your intuition.

Becoming More Detached

*Note: not completely sure about scientific grounding*

Personally, meditation has helped me the most when it comes to developing detachment.
While, at the same time, becoming more perceptive.
Both are good for learning social/power dynamics.

I learnt that detachment is an active process.
One chooses not to pay attention to something while paying attention to another.
It's about focus and being aware of what you are focusing on (what people call mindfulness).

It helps to develop a fluid sense of self too, which helps with a growth mindset.
When you are detached, you don't hold on to a certain way of thinking.

I see some research papers that meditation decreases motivation and brings up bad memories.
However, I think the practitioners may not be the most disciplined individuals.
They may have thought meditation is about "relaxing" or "letting your mind wander".

I personally do candlelight meditation and breath meditation.

I also think meditation is supposed to be simple.
After all, it has been around for so long.
Only recently, people are trying to monetise it.
Some monks drive Ferraris :).

Grief If Necessary

*Note: not completely sure about scientific grounding*

Sometimes, there will be times when some asshole takes advantage of you and you feel that you lost

  • Dignity
  • Status
  • Power
  • Face
  • Autonomy
  • Possibly even your own sense of self

If it's not easy to get through the feelings of resentment, then healthy griefing by taking time to go through the stages has helped for me:

  • denial
  • anger
  • bargaining
  • depression
  • acceptance

Usually, I notice that I stay in resentment because

  • I want to deny that the asshole had taken advantage of me
  • I am angry that I allowed that to happen

It can be very challenging to move to the last step where you accept that you have been taken advantage of in an objective manner.

However, if we are talking about microaggression, I don't think that it's such a serious resentment.

Lucio Buffalmano, Ali Scarlett and 2 other users have reacted to this post.
Lucio BuffalmanoAli ScarlettXHGrowfast
Quote from XH on October 23, 2021, 11:07 am

A brief example that i considered to be microaggression:

Him: (says something that i partially heard)

Other coworker: (quickly responds & thread-expands)

Him: (responds to other coworker)

Me: (repeating what i partially heard asking him to repeat the whole thing, so i could join the discussion)

Him: Are you still there? (Implying that im slow in catching up with the discussion)

 

Thank you Lucio, i feel much better & prepared now with your suggestions.

Especially with the mindset of reframing the pain as a good thing.

Regarding the distancing & detachment aspects i think that it is a bit tricky for recurring interactions that you are forced to attend like team meetings at work since the distancing can damage the team morale.

 

 

Maybe we will not be totally in sync with the situation since the exact words which you used while asking your co-worker to repeat what he said is not given.

 

So I feel the words you might have used could have provoked a powermove from his side because if asking someone to repeat something is not done properly then it will be a big investment from the other person and can be a powermove from your side in itself.

 

 

XH has reacted to this post.
XH

Many thanks for your contribution to this topic Matthew!

In my whole life i have never been so resentful or I couldn't realize that many times the resentment stemmed from microaggressions.

This started to happen only after i ve read the death by thousand cuts metaphor for microaggressions in PU and suddenly my low status in many groups due to ignoring microaggressions made sense!

Quote from Growfast on October 24, 2021, 3:12 pm
Quote from XH on October 23, 2021, 11:07 am

A brief example that i considered to be microaggression:

Him: (says something that i partially heard)

Other coworker: (quickly responds & thread-expands)

Him: (responds to other coworker)

Me: (repeating what i partially heard asking him to repeat the whole thing, so i could join the discussion)

Him: Are you still there? (Implying that im slow in catching up with the discussion)

 

Thank you Lucio, i feel much better & prepared now with your suggestions.

Especially with the mindset of reframing the pain as a good thing.

Regarding the distancing & detachment aspects i think that it is a bit tricky for recurring interactions that you are forced to attend like team meetings at work since the distancing can damage the team morale.

 

 

Maybe we will not be totally in sync with the situation since the exact words which you used while asking your co-worker to repeat what he said is not given.

 

So I feel the words you might have used could have provoked a powermove from his side because if asking someone to repeat something is not done properly then it will be a big investment from the other person and can be a powermove from your side in itself.

 

 

Indeed Growfast, if my question/tone was provocative, his response would be a bit well-deserved i guess. But that wasn't the case in this interaction.

One thing that could explain his behaviour would be the larger context of me behaving higher-power due to PU & him feeling threatened.

Processing...