Quote from Ali Scarlett on November 26, 2023, 6:44 pm

The 2-Hour Cocktail Party by Nick Gray (10/10): Summary & Review

The 2-Hour Cocktail Party is a thorough breakdown of how to organize and host a, you guessed it, 2-hour cocktail party.

Exec Summary

• Select a date three weeks away for your party: to give yourself time to build a guest list and prepare.

• Avoid hosting dinner parties: cocktail parties are much easier to master, can be done more often, and you can invite more people.
• Use name tags: some hosts object to them because they feel it makes the party too formal, but the pros of using them outweigh the cons.
• Send reminders: to boost attendance

FULL SUMMARY

About the Author: Nick Gray is an investor, entrepreneur, and author who started and sold two successful companies. Featured in The New York Times and The Wall Street Journal, Nick has been called a host of “culturally significant parties” by New York Magazine.

Introduction

The essence of a party is this:

“Some people may think a party requires loud music, late nights, and tons of booze. But a party is simply where people get together and have a good time. There can be an explicit purpose such as playing board games, celebrating an event, or meeting new people. But the essence of a party is that you are there to enjoy yourself and to connect with others.”

Part 1: The Basics

Why Host a Party

The author’s experiences with networking events were that they were often transactional and inauthentic with forced “what do you do” conversations.

So, he switched from going to networking events to hosting parties where networking can (naturally) happen.

A typical party for him:

Gray: “Everyone comes into a room where the energy is high. I’m standing by the door and greet guests with a huge smile. They each get a nametag and another friend of mine shows them the makeshift bar area to fix a drink. A few days earlier, I sent out a reminder message with short notes about many of the guests. That helps people recognize a few of the names on the tags to start conversations. There’s a healthy air of curiosity among everyone to meet new people. Soon I make a playful little noise to bring the room to attention. I ask everyone to circle up and then quickly lead a round of icebreakers to make newcomers feel included. These icebreakers happen fast. Everyone around the room says their name, a little about what they do during the day and something else interesting or fun about themselves. After the icebreakers, the room comes alive as new conversations form. Guests pop around to meet a few different people. Thirty minutes later, I lead another iteration of icebreakers. New people have arrived and the room is getting more crowded. Two hours fly by. Now, new friends who didn’t know anyone when they arrived have met several interesting people who they genuinely look forward to following up with. I warmly usher people out and some are surprised to get home before 10 pm.”

The Benefits of Being the Host

1. You meet awesome people: now, rather than asking them to a coffee or dinner meeting, you can invite them to a cocktail party (which is closer to giving).
2. It boosts your reputation: hosting great parties makes you more popular and can lead to business opportunities (such as new clients), introductions to amazing people, and invitations to fun events.
3. It strengthens multiple relationships at once: including “weak ties”, since it makes it easier to hang out with people.

When to Host Your Party

Select a date three weeks away for your party to give yourself time to build a guest list and prepare. This time will be called your “Party Runway”. (Similar to how a runway gives a plane time to pick up speed and take off, your party runway will give you time to invite people.)

Plus, giving notice in advance makes it more likely your guests will be available. (The closer the date, the more likely they’ll be busy or already have plans.)

Host the party on a nonbusy weeknight. Mondays, Tuesdays, or Wednesday nights tend to work best for Gray. (Thursday, Friday, and Saturday nights risk scheduling conflicts and Sunday tends to be a family or rest day for many people.)

Also, steer clear of long weekends and holidays (which Gray calls “heavyweight days”).

*PRO Tip: If you’re new to hosting parties, do not position it as a dinner party because they’re far more difficult to manage. Serve drinks and snacks only to keep it simple.

Start at your event at 7 pm (to give people time to finish their work day or eat dinner before they get there) and end at 9 pm (so they can go home early without feeling guilty for “partying” on a weekday).

Where to Host Your Party

If possible, host it at home as a Plan A.

If you’re absolutely unable to do so, alternatives are to:

• Find a friend or colleague who will let you use their home to host your party
• Use a park, library, or community center
• Use your apartment/neighborhood commons area or game room
• Use your office

Who to Invite

Have a core group of close friends and invite them first.

After you get five confirmations from your core group, you can begin to send invitations that cast a wider and more diverse net of potential attendees.

Gray calls everyone you invite after your core group your “great guests” (to represent who they are to you: guests who would be great to have at your party).

Here are some ways to find people to create a core group if you don’t have one:

• Join a local club for something you’re interested in (such as Toastmasters)
• Look up event calendars on local media or Facebook groups
• Volunteer with a charity or religious organizations
• Attend meetups

Another option is to co-host a party with someone else and befriend their attendees.

How Many People to Invite

For your first party, aim for fifteen confirmed guests. 

With fewer people, you’re more likely to get trapped in a single group conversation or have an uncomfortable silence in the room. Plus, the room will lack energy.

With more people, however, managing the logistics becomes more challenging and the room can easily transition into having “too much” energy.

So, aim for fifteen guests at a party and send out invitations to twenty to thirty people in total to account for people who no-show.

Do not invite important new relationships, critical work contacts, or VIPs yet (if this is your first party). Get more experience and practice first.

Use Name Tags

The benefits of name tags:

• It makes it impossible to “forget” someone’s name (which reduces potential embarrassment
• It makes introductions easier)
• It shows that the room is a safe space and an opportunity to approach strangers
• It places everyone on equal footing

*PRO Tips: Write their first name only in all caps so it can be seen from a distance and place it on the upper chest on the right side. You can experiment with having people write something like their favorite food underneath their name because it works as an icebreaker that makes the name tags more fun.

Part 2: Putting the Party Together (The Logistics)

Sending Out the First Invitations

Invite your core group with personal, one-on-one messages. (Don’t use a group chat text).

After you get five “yes’s”, make an RSVP page and send a link to it to everyone who said “yes”.

And, for the time being, consider any “maybe” replies as a “no”.

If you don’t hear back from them, wait one or two days and then follow up.

If your first date and time don’t receive enough “yes” confirmations, set another date (perhaps for one week later) and try again.

Setting Up the Event Page

Create a simple online event page for your party to build excitement, set expectations, and entice your “great guests” to RSVP when it’s time to invite them.

Event platforms that allow you to email reminders to your guests can make managing logistics much easier.

In the event title and description, keep in mind that this is your chance to manage expectations for what the party will be like. (For example, name the event “Cocktails and Icebreakers” and mention that you’ll be using name tags in the description.)

Follow up with any guests who haven’t RSVP’d.

Inviting Your “Great Guests”

Here’s a three-step overview of the process:

1. Invite the person to your event with a personalized message
2. If they respond “yes” or “maybe”, send them a link to your event page and ask them to RSVP. 
3. If they respond “no”, ask them if you can invite them the next time you host an event.

Again, if you don’t get a response within one to two days, follow up.

And if you get requests from people asking for permission to bring a plus one or significant other, tell them yes so long as you won’t go over your fifteen-person limit. (And ask their plus one to RSVP via the event page as well.)

Sending Out Reminders

Use reminders to persuade your list of invitees that your event is special.

Send this sequence of reminders:

• 7 days before the event: a short reminder with logistics and a fun, lighthearted image
• 3 days before the event: another reminder with a brief biographical note about many of your guests (this message is a great hook to ensure excitement and higher attendance)
• The morning of the event: a final reminder with logistics again

Pre-Party Preparations

Be careful of guests arriving early.

Here, Gray tells a story of why it’s important to take into consideration that some guests may have that “15 minutes early is on time” attitude:

Gray: “The party was due to start at 7:00 pm. At 6:45 I was still wearing grubby gym clothes. I hadn’t even showered. And it didn’t occur to me that my first guest might arrive a few minutes early. Unfortunately, that’s exactly what happened. I jumped in the shower and the next thing I knew, the doorbell rang. I didn’t want to leave one of my guests standing on my doorstep. So, I jumped back out of the shower. I opened the door to my new friend, Nora, as I stood there dripping wet and dressed in just a towel…I was mortified. My party had barely started and I was already behind. And I was naked.”

Also, don’t serve beer, and don't use red party cups reminiscent of college frat parties. They're unprofessional. (This may not be a formal party, but you still want it to have some class.)

As another pro tip, have people write their names on the plastic cups before they pour their drinks so they know which cup is theirs later on if they set it down. 

And be careful of serving warm snacks. You want your snacks to be easy to serve and require almost no preparation (e.g. baby carrots). Going further on the snack side, spread out the location of the snacks to avoid large crowds forming around one single snack table.

More considerations to make:

• Declutter any rooms guests will be in
• Do a music check beforehand
• Empty your trash cans before and during your party
• Prep your bathroom (e.g. a lightly scented candle, a cleaned-out medicine cabinet, etc.)

Part 3: Party Time

Here’s an example party schedule:

• 7:00 p.m. - the “awkward zone”
• 7:10 p.m. - icebreaker one (beginner)
• 7:15 p.m. - unstructured time
• 7:40 p.m. - icebreaker two (beginner)
• 7:50 p.m. - unstructured time (and help guests mingle)
• 8:20 p.m. - group photo, then icebreaker three (advanced)
• 8:30 p.m. - unstructured time
• 9:00 p.m. - party ends

The “Awkward Zone”

To navigate the “awkward zone” (where a guest or two may arrive a little early or even on time and hardly anyone else has shown up yet), ask two trusted friends to be at the party fifteen minutes early to help welcome the guests. 

Whatever you do, do not apologize for the lack of guests.

As an added step, you can also ask your guest(s) for help with the party. If you do it well, the act of helping will lead them to become more invested in it.

The (Beginner) Icebreakers

Use a party harmonica to get the group's attention to initiate the icebreaker rounds.

Start by sharing why you like to do icebreakers and then begin to propose beginner icebreakers to the group that are simple and easy to answer. (And a good icebreaker pretty much never requires a deep level of pot openness and/or vulnerability right away.)

The best kinds of beginner icebreakers are something like this:

• “What’s your favorite thing to eat for breakfast?”
• “What was the first job that you ever got paid to do?”
• “What was your first online screen name and why did you choose it?”
• “What’s one of your favorite drinks with or without alcohol?”

The (Advanced) Icebreakers

These types of icebreakers invite guests to dig deeper and give more thought to crafting their replies.

Examples:

• “What’s a great piece of media that you consumed recently and what did you like about it?”
• “What’s one of your favorite ‘secret spots’ or life hacks for this city?”
• “What’s a compliment someone gave you that you still think about?”
• “If you were to do a city-wide poll, what would you want to learn?”
• “Do you have a favorite charity that you wish more people knew about?”

Ending the Party 

You can end the party well by turning down the music, giving snacks away, making a last call for alcohol, and beginning to clean up trash.

The day after,  send a follow-up message to the group and set another party date for 6 to 8 weeks out. (Aim to host a party every 6 to 8 weeks.)

MORE WISDOM

• Information is a form of power and information comes from people

“Acquaintances are more likely to know something you don’t. They represent [a form of] social power. And the more acquaintances you have, the more powerful you are.”

• Be careful of giving people an easy way to avoid having to meet new people at the party

Gray: “When someone brings a date to the party they almost always spend less time meeting new people.”

Matthew Pollard makes the same recommendation (see The Introvert’s Edge to Networking).

• Put yourself in the shoes of the guests by walking through the party experience before the party begins

Gray: “Stand outside and come in as if you were a guest arriving. Consider every step…”

As the old saying goes, “Proper preparation prevents poor performance.”

QUOTES

• On the importance of a core group

Gray: “These are your reliable and supportive friends and colleagues. They already know and like you. You can ask them for a favor or invite them to something without overthinking it. Because you have a relationship they’re likely to say ‘yes’ to your invitation. Your core group will be an essential piece of your party puzzle. They’ll show up and make you look good. They’ll laugh at your jokes and be your party cheerleaders.”

Real-Life Tips

• Pick the days when people are least likely to have plans or be busy

When picking when to have your party, pick a date and time when people are most likely to be available.

• Look at organizations for ex-pats to find more people for your core group

Expats can be more open to connecting because (unlike locals) they don’t have established networks in the area and might’ve just moved to a city.

• To grow your guest list, remember your loose connections and acquaintances…but also just ask your friends to bring a friend

You can think about the people you regularly speak with around town and invite them. Especially, since you never know what or who they may also know until you get to know them better.

But, another option is also to ask your friends to bring a friend (and you can even frame it as a favor to you).

• If you go for name tags, write them as your guests arrive

Pre-printing them makes the party feel too much like a conference and people can see who the no-shows are that way (as well as how many no-shows there are).

Letting your guests do the writing risks them using hard-to-read writing or trying to dodge doing it at all.

Cons

• Don’t do dinner parties?

This recommendation was more for people who are newer to hosting but seemed to extend over to more experienced hosts as well.

The author makes the argument that cocktail parties are easier to master and will have the same impact as dinner parties, oftentimes with livelier conversations. He also says, “Sitting down is kryptonite to a successful event.”

But, I think a better recommendation might’ve been for his audience to test out both and see which one works best for them. Especially, since dinner parties do work for many people (see Mastermind Dinners). 

• Overgeneralization of networking events

The author had early negative experiences with networking events and it seems that when he switched to hosting cocktail parties, he never looked back.

But, all networking events shouldn’t be generalized as “transactional and inauthentic.” It depends on which ones you go to.

As a rule of thumb, the networking events that are free to join tend to have a downward pull since there’s no quality control. And those seem to be the only kinds he’d attended before deciding networking events weren’t for him.

• Gives power-unaware advice sometimes

For example, this is his advice for when you forget someone’s name:

Gray: “Tackle it head-on. Raise your brow and say something like, ‘Can I confess something? I don’t remember your name. Will you please remind me?’”

Gray says, “It’s normal to forget a name. It’s more awkward to pretend you didn’t.” 

And, I’d also add, it’s (a bit) rude to assume that it’s OK.

Forgetting someone’s name is a less damaging form of the “I don’t remember you” power move. And unless you apologize for that power move, it’s still unfriendly behavior that may leave them feeling negatively toward you.

Plus, there are some annoying "well done" judge roles he recommends pulling on the guests both in the email communication leading up to the event and at the event itself.

As another clearer example, the author recommends the following icebreaker, “What's the best thing that you purchased in the last year?” And that’s a question that can alienate people who may be seen as “unrelatable” with their purchases. See “The proper answer to ‘How much was it.’”

• Don’t worry about overcommunicating with your guests…ever?

Gray makes the case that in the lead-up to the party (when you’re sending out reminders), if your enthusiasm is genuine, so long as you share it authentically you will never annoy people.

But, it feels like this statement ignores the social exchange.

It is indeed possible to overcommunicate and being mindful of people’s time is a great way to show you’re someone who “gets it.”

Pros

• Discourages transactional networking attitudes

And emphasizes that by sharing “Do’s” and “Don’ts” lists that give recommendations such as “Don’t: purely build a guest list based on, ‘Who can I benefit from right now?’”

• Recommends an organized approach

Despite the idea being for these cocktail parties to be less formal than something like a business conference, he still recommends an attitude that’s quite organized.

For example, when people say they’re cool with you inviting them to your next party, adding their name to a “party list” so when the time comes to create a guest list for that next event, it’s much easier to fill up the list.

• Actually helpful marketing

Many authors have marketing inside of their books. This author does it very well in terms of only sharing resources that are actually valuable to readers.

For example, a full checklist of everything you’ll need to buy before the party starts. (It brought me peace of mind seeing the list and finding items I wouldn’t have thought of that I know would probably be needed.)

Review

Not only is this book kept as short as possible with no fluff (I read it in a day), it’s also as comprehensive as it can possibly get while still being practical and applicable.

Add to that the helpful resources that the author links to throughout the book and, among the dozens of networking books that divert off into unrelated topics and theories, this book is a ten-star read.

Get the book here.

Or, check out the best books on social skills.