There are thousands of articles on how to approach a girl.
This article will take a look at what science has to say when it comes to successful approaching.
The Science of An Approach
This section will review some scientific research on what makes a good approach:
Before the Approach
There is a famous study called Getting That Female Glance: Patterns and consequences of male nonverbal behavior in courtship contexts.
The study observed forty men on fourteen evenings in three different bars and recorded their approaches and how successful they were.
The men who were the most successful presented a higher incidence of the following behavior prior to the approach:
- Intra-sexual touching
Onlookers tend to perceive nonreciprocal touch as the sign of a dominance-submission pattern or a major status differential.
What does that mean to you?
1. If someone is talking to you putting their elbow on your shoulder, touching you a bit too much or “playfully shoving you”, make them stop or do the same right back to neutralize the effect.
2. Since touchers are perceived as having more status and more social power than do those being touched, or those not touching at all, you can consider touching the people around you a bit more.
- Open body positioning
Open body is a sign of non-fear and comfort, and both are major signs of status and confidence.
For more on body language also check sexy hands in pockets, how to walk sexy and body language of dominance from The Godfather.
- Open body language
- Space maximization movements
In many species, humans included, the most dominant member commands the largest space. You can check a few picture examples here.
However, don’t overdo it: it’s easy to go from comfortable to immature and tacky.
- Type 1 is sweeping around the room
- Type 2 is more towards a target
Eye contact is the most frequently used courtship-initiation tactic. The first type of glancing is to “scout the room and the surrounding”.
The second is eye contact proper.
Social power was communicated through the use of frequent and expressive hand gestures. You might want to add some gesticulation to your interactions.
Touching the beard or growth area, a display of manliness.
The Basics: Your Fundamentals
These are some of the most important basics that science has proven increase the chances of your approach (and subsequent interaction) going well:
- Cure appearances & dress well
One research has shown that the biggest turn off for women were men in a disheveled appearance. Which means: dress properly
Too many men are swayed by the belief that women prefer men with deeper voices. Well, yes that’s what actually science says, but the biggest mistake you can make is trying to force your voice lower: it’s unnatural, sounds weird and it’s try-hard.
Focus instead of getting your voice right.
Proper posture is a strong indicator of health, vitality and even status.
10 Steps to a Successful Approach
And this is a reliable 10 steps approach to a successful approach:
#1. Pick a Girl You’re Interested
A targeted approach is usually better than talking to anyone. Talking to a lot of people is great to oil your social muscles, but when you want to approach a girl romantically, it’s best you have that clear in your mind.
Picking one girl will give you a bit more of a sexual edge.
Note: on the other hand, if you’re too nervous, it’s OK to approach with a friends-first mentality as that will make you more relaxed.
#2. Let Her See You (Being Cool)
I particularly liked the study I quote first because it confirms a theory I always relied on: by far the best, best thing you can do to make your approach a welcome success is to have her be attracted to you before you even approach.
Use the behavior we discussed earlier. Or:
- Stand cooly watching at the sunset while you sip your drink
- Walk past without looking at her with a confident smile
- Talk animatedly with a friend as if you couldn’t care at all about the world around
Most of all, do you own thing without looking at her: let her look at you first.
#3. Glance at Her
There is a caveat here, so bare with me for a second.
The thing with locking eye contact and making it obvious you’re looking at her is that you give your game away.
If she likes you and you’re an exciting presence you can spark a certain “wolf preying on a lamb dynamic”. And don’t listen to the PC police, if she’s into you, that can be very exciting.
She’ll be wondering when you’re going to make your move, and she’ll be worried if she’ll be cool enough for you (that’s ideal, then once you’re there build her up to show that yes, you think she’s at your level).
Or don’t look at her at all.
Anything less than confident and at the top of your game though, your safest bet is not to look at her.
Indeed giving your game away if she doesn’t perceive you as awesome (yet) would mean slotting yourself into the chasing position.
Note: however, it’s still best if she has seen you before. Studies show females report discomfort in being approached by a male whom she hasn’t seen or not yet made eye contact with (Renninger & Bradbury).
#4. Walk Up to Her
Here are a few different ways you’ll begin your approach nonverbally:
While Locking Eye Contact: Smile and Walk
If you’re locking eye contact you can start walking towards her.
However, here’s an important tip: SMILE. If you start walking towards her without smiling it can seem confrontational.
You want her to be excited, to fear that she might not be up to your level… But you do not want her to fear you.
Without Eye Contact: Go to Her Side
You don’t want to open from behind -God forbid- and to stand right in front of her and startle her. Best is from the side (Body Language of Love).
Pretend You’re There by Chance
If you haven’t done any eye contact prior to this moment and if you were trying to avoid signaling any interest, you want to ideally pretend you ended up near her “by chance”.
This is how most women will do it with guys they like and this is how you want to do it too.
A few ideas:
- Walk past and pretend you’ve just noticed her
- Go to the bar while she’s there, then drop a casual “how’s your night going”
- Go to the bathroom 5-6 minutes after she’s gone and greet her as she walks out
#5. Say Hi
If you’ve been looking at her, she knows what’s up and you know what’s up.
Put on your face a sexy smile which communicates something like:
You know why I’m here, and I know you like me too. And it’s quite exciting
More on what you say later.
Let Her Look at You First
Who’s looking at who is a sign of who is pursuing who.
If you were looking at her first, it means you noticed her first while she didn’t. And it subtly but importantly slots you as the party with the lowest value of the two.
Finally, you want to avoid the all too uncommon “startling effect”, such that she turns to face you and sees you staring at her.
That’s very predatory, and not in the good way.
Just imagine turning around and seeing someone interested in you before you even realize what’s going on:
Instead, you will slightly nudge her, put your hand slight on her arm and or talking while you look ahead (instead of looking at her like most guys do).
Then when she turns, very quickly, you return your gaze to meet her eyes.
#6. Open Like This
- Summerhayes, D. L., & Suchner, R. W. (1978). Power implications of touch in male female relationships. Sex Roles, 4, 493–503.
- Alcock, J. (1993). Animal behavior, (5th ed.). Sunderland, MA7 Sinauer.
- Burgoon, J. K. (1991). Relational message interpretations of touch, conversation, distance, and posture. Journal of Nonverbal Behavior, 15, 233–259.
- Weerth, C. D., & Kalma, A. (1995). Gender differences in awareness of courtship initiation tactics. Sex Roles, 32, 717–735.
- Leil Lowndes, Undercover Sex Signals
- Dittmann, A. T. (1972). Interpersonal messages of emotion. New York7 Springer.
- PK Jonason, NP Li, EA Teicher (2010). Who is James Bond? The Dark Triad as an agentic social style