Never Chase Men Again: get you together with a high quality man. And Bruce Bryan understands how quality men think. He presents, in my opinion, one of the most insightful women dating advise book on the market.
- Bullet Summary
- Full Summary
- Real Life Applications
- Self respect and a set of guidelines will help you even when you don’t have experience
- Big initial demands don’t make you a prize, they make you pretentious
- Use early investment and vulnerability as test: if he grows with you, he’s a keeper
Bruce Bryans says a woman needs a few things:
- Self respect
- A set of guidelines for rational decisions
- Strong boundaries
Strong personal boundaries are not romance or man-centered but principle-centered (Ray Dalio recommends the same concept for success in life).
The author says women can get confused on whether they should “play games” or not. And he spells it clear for the reader: while withdrawing as a tactic can work, her actions are not based on self-respect. High quality men DO NOT pursue women who fake disinterest and play games: they respect women with no tolerance for manipulation and time wasting.
When you value your self respect more than the feeling of being liked by any given man, you will have no need for games anymore.
Reinforce His Attraction & Train Him to Chase You
Bruce Bryan suggests that you:
Are Not Too Available at the Beginning
Being a challenge will keep his interest but also serve to separate the lazy men-who don’t pursue- from the ambitious ones. And if he doesn’t pursue, he’s just not that into you.
My Note: I disagree here, some cool guys will also stop pursuing if you don’t give enough. Lots of losers will keep chasing instead because they have time and don’t know any better.
Don’t Play Hard to Get but Be Hard to Get
Bruce Bryan underlines that you should not play hard to get, but you should be hard to get. You should have an exciting and attractive life and be happy and content with your own life. That’s the kind of woman men want to meet.
Keep Your Life and Hobbies
And since you are content with your life, you don’t give up your hobbies, family and dreams the moment you meet a guy (similar suggestion to Why Men Love Bitches).
Pioritize Calls VS texting
Bryan says texting is the players’ medium. If you want a man to take you seriously and if you want to screen out players, you should let him call you. If he refuses to call it’s because he wants to keep it casual and he’s not a serious prospect.
My note: Lambert also recommends you encourage him to call you, and while I would also agree to go for calls when the guy is a good prospect, I disagree it will screen out players.
Bryan says that when you fail to show up you communicate unreliability. And high quality men want women they can count on.
You know those people who always blame circumstances and it’s never their responsibility? That’s typical of low value women. Take responsibility and ownership of your life instead, suggests the author.
Restrain Your Affection
Before he has shown his part, show restraint when displaying your feelings for him. Bruce says that key to a successful seduction is a mutual level of interest (and you will know based on his enthusiasm with you).
Show Flexibility (and easy-to please)
Bruce says you should be hard to have but easy to please. He says you show it on those situations where, if you just were a bit more flexible, he would find you more pleasant to be around. Men know that adaptable women make for better long term companions.
The only men who will tolerate inflexibility are the pushovers kind of men.
Don’t Be Too Assertive
Bruce Bryan doesn’t state it this clearly, but says that the kind of men you want to end up with will not find overly assertive women to be very attractive.
My Note: I agree wholeheartedly with this.
The author says that for a long term solid relationship you need an intimate and emotional connection. And to connect, you need to be vulnerable (check Brene Brown for more on vulnerability). Laugh at yourself, admit your mistakes, ask forgiveness when you make a mistake. These are all extremely endearing and will build a strong emotional connection. And don’t worry of sounding weak, a masculine man is attracted to a feminine spirit.
My Note: I agree
Show Your Love When The Time Comes
Bryan says that most men do value emotional intimacy. When he has proven his worth, it’s time to start escalating the emotional attachment. Show major appreciation whenever he does something good for you or for the two of you. And use your female tenderness to show your love proactively.
If he responds in kind, keep him. Otherwise, next him.
My Note: 100%. Bryan nails it.
Chapter 2: The Right Mindset and Approach for Winning With Men
Don’t Confuse Great With Right
Bryan says a man could be great, but he might not be good for you because he won’t or can’t give you commitment. Always assess the potentials of a man both on quality AND compatibility.
Set High Standard and Enforce Boundaries
Some nice girls will be accommodating hoping he will be the same, says the author. When he isn’t though she turns into passive aggressive and emotional manipulators and the relationship becomes a combative one. He says women should be assertive in asking for what they want and need from the beginning instead.
Give Him The Joy of Conquest
If everything is too easy and obvious, he will feel like he’s slowly edging closer to filling the husband job position. That’s boring for him.
Make him feel like’s slowly winning you over with effort instead. A man’s actions tell him what’s important for him, and when his action show effort, he will rationalize you must mean a lot to him.
My note: this is true, rationalization is a key function of our brain, check Incognito
Don’t Nag For a Change
Bryan says that if you want to change something in a relationship you never nag. First you have a conversation, and if nothing changes, then you withdraw. Make him anxious a bit and let him miss you.
Don’t Be Exclusive With a Guy Who Isn’t Exclusive
If a guy is keeping his options open, you do the same. And never fall for the old one of “commitment problems”. That only means he’s waiting for someone else.
Don’t Give It Up Too Easily
Bryan says that before sex you have all the power, but after sex you have very little. He says when sex happens too easily and too quickly most men are less likely to stick around.
The rule of thumb is that the more significant his investment before sex, the more likely it is you will keep him around for the longer term.
He recommends you watch this video (which I personally didn’t find that good TBH):
Increase Your Self Respect
Bryan says that you should never allow a man’s mixed signal or aloofness to become the cue for you chasing him. Because the more you do it, the more ingrained it becomes, and that’s how you build (bad) habits.
Conversely, walk away from every bad situation and you will make further investment in your self respect. The more you do it, the more your self confidence will increase
My note: true, check my article on the link between behavior, self esteem and identity
Chapter 3: Communicate High-Value and Be the Woman Men Adore
I had no further doubts that Never Chase Men Again was the best women’s dating book I had read when I got to this:
Stay Positive as You Keep Searching
The author says that if you allow a bad dating experience or a break up to infect your mood you risk becoming bitter towards men. And that’s a very unattractive trait for high quality men.
My note: that’s exactly what I criticize to some books in the same genre such as The Power of the Pussy: they sound too bitter.
Be Graceful In Communication
Bryan says high quality men want women with high emotional intelligence, which means expressing themselves respectfully and without emasculating them. It’s important for men because they need respect as much as women need love (also check Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus).
Embrace your inner vixen
Bruce says high value men don’t want cute girls, they want mature and confident women. Act and carry yourself confidently and like you know your own value.
Don’t Demand Too Much Too Early
The author nails another big one when he says high quality men have little tolerance for egocentric women. Asking him to do X or Y for you will not make you a prize, but a spoiled high maintenance girl (and a low quality woman, I’d add).
Bruce says it’s fair and good you expect exceptional treatment, but big early requests reek of entitlement. Smart men will know how to treat you based on what you show and how they like you, you will only turn them off by asking for it.
Humility speaks louder than entitlement and unpretentious goes farther than self important.
Guard Your Reputation
Robert Greene in the 48 Laws of Power says reputation is everything. Bruce says your reputation in dating is also important. Make sure you don’t build a negative reputation of dating losers.
Chapter 4: Dating Rules for Avoiding Dead-End Relationships
Don’t Move In… If You Wanna Get Married
Bryan says that moving in for men is like doing a car test drive or simply a way to postpone… Indefinitely. For women instead it’s a step closer to the final commitment.
But when you hit a snag, men will be less likely to want to work it out compared to if they were married. There’s just less pressure, either social or financial.
Be The Mountaintop, Not The Stepping Stone
Bruce has a super interesting view on being with men who “need your help” or “need a woman touch”. The issue is that often these men will then move on to another woman once they fully bloom or once they don’t need your help anymore.
Breakup if No Progression
The author suggests that first of all you makes sure he knows you want a marriage. Then feel free to apply pressure if you think he won’t budge.
If the relationship is still not progressing the way you want, you should break making sure he knows why. If he wants you, it’s possible he’ll come back giving you what you wanted. Only accept him if he shows proof of moving forward (don’t be like Sara in Cialdini’s book Influence).
Date With Purpose
Don’t get distracted or sidetracked: wnow what you want and don’t settle for less.
Don’t Be One Of The Boys
Bruce Bryans says you shouldn’t be like one of his male friends with him. It will kill his attraction.
My note: true. In 4 ways men touch women wrong I talk about an ex girlfriend complaining that I was high-fiving her. She said she was a woman, not one of the boys. My respect (and attraction) for her only grew.
Believe You Deserve His Unconditional Love
The author say most mistakes come from self sabotage. When the woman doesn’t believe in her own value and doesn’t believe she deserves his unconditional love.
To avoid time wasters, the author say, you should approach dating with an almost ruthless inclination. Filter in quickly the good prospects, cut off the bad ones.
To quickly spot the good ones, show your vulnerabilities and proactively increase his emotional investment and attachment in you. If you realize that your steps are no reciprocated, move on.
Finally, focus on becoming a great catch yourself, stay true to your standards and boundaries (remember: the more you respect them, the higher your self esteem!) and.. Enjoy the process.
Real Life Applications
Don’t Move In… If You Want Marriage
I liked the idea you better not move in if you want marriage. Women see it as a step closer, men see it as postponement -and as an easy way out if they don’t fully like it-.
Don’t Be Overpowering
Let him lead, tone down your assertiveness if it can get too much
Stay a Woman
Never become one of the boys. You can be his friend alongside his lover. Just not his beer drinking, football watching, burping friend.
Don’t Get Bitter!!
Watch out for books and gurus telling you “it’s time to get some revenge on the boys”. That’s the perfect mindset NOT to get a high value man (and a good relationship, of course).
Invest… And Watch
Do open up and escalate investment on both sides. Then watch. Does he reciprocate? That will tell you whether you can keep growing together or if you need to move on.
Escalate His Emotional Investment?
I would have loved to see some more concrete examples of how she should do this.
Just a few things here in there (like calls screening out players and maybe initial unavailability which is dangerous). But it’s still the best book I have read so far on women’s dating.
I have been reading many best sellers for women’s dating. And in many of them I found the same issues of teaching game playing without considerations for the health of the relationship.
I was glad I stumbled upon Bruce Bryans. He was the first and so far only one who was able to avoid basic mistakes all other authors did and point out a few great truths in dating.
I feel Bruce has a great grasp of the mindset of high quality men.
As usual, I didn’t write all the points -and the ones I wrote are my own summary versions-, so I very warmly invite you to get the full book.
Never Chase Men Again and get the book on Amazon.