1. “Let Me Help You”

Offering help is generally a nice gesture.

However, this is the sub-communication

• The helper is “more advanced” -in a position to offer help-
• The receiver needs his help

Real-life example:

Him: PLEASE let me give you my course for free. I want to help you!

I was with both of them and nothing suggested need for help.

But I was glad about it.
Why? Think strategically. I knew the power mover was not a great friend. And this made it more obvious to everyone.

I even expanded it:

Me: do you think me and X need help with our confidence?

Little later my friend said he was doing well and needed no help.

2. Power-Protect Your “Sorry”

Years ago I had to hastily end a customer call.

Little later, I wrote him via email.
Imagine if I said “Sorry for hanging up on you”.

Do you now see why that would be disempowering to him?

That would sub-communicate that:

1. I was in the power position to hang up (he needs me, I owe him nothing)
2. He was power down
3. I had been rude
4. He was helpless on the receiving end of my poor behavior

That’s the last thing I’d want with a good customer.

So, look at how I phrase it:

Me: First of all, my apologies for the bad connection and for going through the check-in at the time of the call

Instead of saying “Sorry for hanging up”, I state the reason why I was forced to end the call.

3. Tactful Re-Empowerment With A Boss

Let’s review a previous example:

Boss: I’m sorry that I said you’re useless in front of the customer

Sub-communication 📣 🟰 “I’m sorry I’m the boss and you are the underling, and even if you bring customers in, I can boss you around“.

Don’t let anyone say that you’re useless (and in front of customers!).
But with a boss, still better to be tacful.
🗨️ For example:

Boss: I’m sorry that I said you’re useless in front of the customer

You: Thank you for saying that. You see my point of view? It was not cool towards me of course, but also bad for the company. If a boss doesn’t respect me, netiher will the customers <– Win-win reason for checking the power move. Power-protects and prevents resentment

Boss: Makes sense

You: Cool cool, I’m glad we clarified

If it was a colleague, you could go down a bit harder.
For example, you demand that it won’t happen again. For example: “Cool, glad we clarified. And make sure it doesn’t happen again please”.

🛠️ 4. Techniques For “I’m Sorry”

1. Treat It Like It’s Nothing When It’s Nothing

Imagine this:

You: Hey mate, going to try a new restaurant later, if you wanna join, I’ll be at the mall at 7pm
Him: Sorry mate, would have loved, but I planned something with the missus. I’m a boring planner type lol, need at least 3-4 days advance

A focus on “regaining power” would be misplaced here.
One, he is a friend
Two, he’s power-protecting by adding a reason, and taking the blame -“I’m a boring planner type”-.

So you just say:

You: Ehehe, all good, enjoy the date and speak soon for the next one. Cheers!

2. Dating: Reject There’s Even A Reason For “Sorry”

For example:

Me: So your plans were “taking a nap”

Her: Ahahaha soweee <— She misses the joke and insists on the “sorry” frame. It’s a bad frame if a nap is higher priority than me, so I need to do something about it:

Me: Sorry for what, naps are awesome <— Sub-communication 📣🟰 no need to say sorry, I don’t care you napped. I’d have done the same

I then bantered for a couple more messages to end on a positive.
Then stopped it myself to regain some power.
Re-initiated another day, quick banter, then re-proposed a date, and went for it.

3. 🧨 When Important: Call Out The Poor Behavior, Lay Out Your Expectations

In this case, she canceled a date last minute.

BUT…

We had met in person and I made a great impression.
Then, we spoke quite a bit.
So I had (emotional) leverage.

I use that leverage:

Me: I don’t know what to do with your sorry. I’m looking for a woman who shows up

Bang!
That was powerful.

She did show up next time.
And she even quit playing the games she was playing. Still not enough to make for a great LTR, but still much better for as long as we dated.

⚠️ Careful when you have no leverage
Some women (righteously) think you can only make strong demands when you’re closer. So they will reject it.
Feminists and high-power women are also more likely to see it “too much”.

BUT…

It’s dynamite when you have leverage and are looking for long-term
This is how high-power, high-value men behave when holding a strong frame. Many women who are interested will U-turn and respect and attraction spike.

4. Go Meta

Draw attention to the power move, and explain.

Example:

Me: Speaking of food, let’s do a coffee or a meal together one of these days
Her: Ok if I’m not busy
Me: LOL that sounds like game playing :D
Her: Ahaha what do you mean?
Me: You know, like “I’m busy, I’m hard to get… Chase me” :D

And then it was standard re-empowering and moving on.

We had a few back and forths, then I stopped and re-initiated contact with a picture closer to the weekend, and invited her for food.

High-intensity technique: better in person or call.
If you do it with text, add emojis to take some pressure off and it helps others to “admit” the power move.

🎓5. Advanced Dating Case Study: Sorry Turns Into Forward Motion

Let’s review an advanced approach from a dating app:

Her: I replied late
Me: (one day later) Yeah, give me your ID and we can be quicker there

Strategic:

• 1-day delay regains power
• Blaming the app sub-communicates the issue is the dating app, not me being a lower prio
• Sub-communicates dating apps aren’t a prio for neither of us
• Leads towards a personal channel, an important step forward

#2 and #3 are without a single word or action.
Simply the choice of what not to say, and what else to focus on.

📝6. Handling The “Well Done” Handout

Remember from the previous lesson:

We don’t need to make up a reply.
The way she replied was great:

Her: We will see if it’s just for a short period of time

She implies that the assignment’s length is up to her.

That diminishes the extent of his power over her.
So she’s not a little pawn: she may even quit the company and find something else in Brazil.

BUT, in perfect PU style, she avoids overly confrontational frames.
And ends on a more positive win-win:

Her: Wonderful to work for #n26

After she strategically sets the better frame, she ends on a positive note as an empowered woman.

No wonder she reached that “senior” position in no time.