Case Study: Strategic Considerations In Drawing Boundaries

Topic
Curriculum

This man and I share a group chat.

We knew about each other, but never had a proper introduction.

This was his first message:

Him: Yo, what platform did you use to set up your course

In my book, not cool.

My mindset is:

🧠 Go “yo” someone else, you picked the wrong guy for “yo-ing”

However, you still want to calibrate your answer.
And this is the thinking process:

STEP 1: Profiling. Who are you dealing with?

This is what I knew about him:

He is a bodybuilder starting a food business.
He got a “salami certification” in Italy. He wanted to produce locally, and start a trendy restaurant.

Most interesting for singles, he manages the VIP table of the hottest club in town -with the hottest girls-.

STEP 2: What’s in it for me? What value does he have to give?

I usually start from character:

  • Character: based on the little I’ve read, not my type of guy

Then move to value exchange.
In order of importance:

  • VIP table club I could access if we become friends
  • High-status guy with our common friends
  • Learn from him. I wouldn’t mind learning more about his food ideas and experience
  • Future cool restaurant I may gain “friend’s treatment” at
  • One extra friend, which is always better than not

And finally:

  • Risks in case he dislikes me. Very low. I don’t depend on him for anything

STEP 3: Can we do win-win (or can I win)?

OK, he has some value.

Can I access it easily?

This question is important because many people fall for the “celeb trap”.
Such as:

People flock to celebrities for their high value without getting any of that value.

So despite this man’s high value, I can’t easily access it.

To get a (free) VIP table and “special service” we should become quite close.
Or I should give lots of value (and then trust him to want to repay back).

I’m not too inclined to do either.
So the only easily available value for me are:

  • Make an extra friend
  • Learn something new
  • Get a little boost with our common friends

And maaaaybe special access to the best club in the unlikely event we get closer.

STEP 4.: Power dynamics analysis

He has no right to open a conversation with “yo”.

It’s disrespectful.

Call your dog “yo”, but I demand a “hi” first, and a quick intro.
Or at least a more respectful opener.

Something like:

Hey man, I heard you run a successful website. Curious to know…

He would have still been asking without giving.
But because of the common friends, it would have been acceptable.

STEP 5: Strategizing. Cost-gains analysis

I’m not a club guy.
I don’t need an extra friend.
I don’t care much about social status with that group.

So his value to me is limited.

Un-neediness is power.
And that allows me to behave exactly as I please.

Now from a power dynamics perspective:

  • Replying to his question = accept disrespect
  • If I reply, I give value while also losing respect (both his, and my own)

So, in truth, a self-respecting man has no option here.
He cannot reply right away.

Hence:

STEP 6: Decision. High-power reply, leave it to him to correct

My reply:

  • Reminds him we don’t know each other
  • Implies he can’t start right off with an ask
  • Leave it to him to backtrack

IF he apologizes and introduces himself, then I will answer with a one-liner.
And if he wants more I may propose to meet in person -I’d expect him to come to my area. And pay if he ends up asking a lot-.

If not, we’ll keep enjoying life our separate ways.

UPDATE: Behaved much more warmly afterward
I never spoke with him again 1:1.
But when several weeks later I asked something on the group chat he was the first to reply and “give”.
He knew he was indebted, and that was his way to “make up for it” -a good move, by the way-.
Standard power dynamics: you act like you deserve respect, and people quickly become ‘nicer’.

🎩 🛠️Do this if you want VIP table

What if you want to access his value?

Maybe you do want VIP table, gym buddy, or learn about food business.

Then… You still need power and strategy.

Remember: people feel justified to take from naive pushovers.

🗨️ So, here is what you would reply:

Him: Yo, what platform did you use to set up your course
You: Hey man, what’s up, are you X from Y”? <—- This nudges him to introduce himself and adopt more respectful behavior

If he introduces himself, you regain power because he:

  • Follows your lead
  • Backtracks
  • Invests more

If he’s a good guy who gets it, he may reply something like:

Lol yeah, sorry man, I am… “

👉🏼🎗️ Reminder: re-empower others
Do apologize when you made a mistake and someone reminds you of it.
You’re in the negative after you (unwittingly) pull a power move. And it’s on you to make it up and show respect. And then you can have a more collaborative and win-win relationship.

Then AFTER he introduces himself, you can take it from there.