If covert power moves are clear, you can skip or skim this lesson.

1. “Sorry, I don’t remember (/know about) you… ” 

🔁 Same as being busy:

The less someone remembers you, the more important relative to you they are,

Not remembering sub-communications you are a low priority in their life.
And/or they’re high value because they’re busy with lots of high-priority stuff.

How to handle it

🙅🏼‍♂️ Never try to help them remember
For example, sharing details about you, and how you met.
That plays into their hands and only expands on the power differential.

Example from “Play the Game”:

Him: We have met before
Her: Really, when (<— disempowering frame starts)
Him: I’m a little hurt you don’t remember (<— expands on disempowering frame)
Her: (teases him, expands on disempowering thread) so… Where have we met (<— takes charge and tasks him)
Him: (reminds her how they met)
Her: Right, you were mister trivial pursuit, trying to stop me ( <— he chases her, she not interested)

He remembered everything, sub-communication it was a big thing.
He is heavily invested -she is not-.

If he pretended not to remember well, he would maintain more power.
So the simple solution is to pretend you also don’t remember.
Or, alternatively, that you have a vague memory about it. Or to retell the story with little emotional investment. The frame is “yes, I have a good memory, but it’s not like I cared”.

A power move instead would be to say that maybe you’re confusing her with someone because “there are a lot of blondes in the city”. And that’s also a demeaning power move.

• ⛏️ Case Study: Jordan Belfort VS Grant Cardone

2. “That’s Why I Like You”

It’s 30% compliment, 70% judgment from above.

The speaker judges your character positively… But only because it’s of his liking.

Example:

Wolf: That’s why I love you (while he puts his hand around him)

Similarly, Trump praises people publicly for doing “a good job”.
But he mostly says that to a power move -including to Comey before firing him.

2.2. Example: “I like him… If he keeps doing the type of Job I like”

Trump and Macron example (video full of power moves):

Trump: He’s going to be a great president for France <— obvious “judge power move”. Macron was also president far before Trump was
That’s my prediction. It’s only a prediction (turns to Macron and smiles) <— as if to say “I’m being nice, but don’t get carried away”
(then proceeds to take Macron by hand as if he were a woman. Emasculating)

The whole thing has an undertone of Trump judging and assessing, and Macron that better be a good boy and comply.

3. Fixing Mistakes

Self-help gurus suggest to welcome criticism as a learning opportunity.

That’s true… But as for everything, context.

Without power protecting, the person correcting you decreases your authority and increases theirs.
Sometimes, it’s an attack covered as feedback, for your own good, or “for the good of the team/mission”.

More in the workplace module 🔜

3.2. “I Agree (BUT…) “

How can “I agree” be a covert power move?

Think in terms of status and expertise.

If the person is far below you or your expertise, “I agree” frames them more at your level.
I agree is a form of judgment, and they don’t have the status or expertise to add anything valuable.

If they add a “but”, then they even add a correction.

How to handle it

This is very contextual.
More in the workplace section 🔜

📝 4. “How Can I Help You” 

Think about it.
How is this a covert power move?
Solution in the lesson on first impressions.

5. “I Want to Be Nice” 

“Wanting to be nice” sub-communicates that:

• They have the power to NOT be nice and punish you
• They might NOT stick to “nice”. So it’s a covert warning, and potentially a strategy to put you on notice
• Your behavior did NOT deserve a nice answer. They chose to be kind, but your behavior didn’t call for any kindness

Obama example:

Man: (to Obama, joking) Mr. President, don’t touch my girlfriend
(…)
Obama: Fortunately the president was nice about it

Later Obama proves our point with his revenge.
He calls the attacker a “fool”, hugs his girlfriend, and says “Now he has a reason to be jealous”.

Another example in this thread:

JackGD: However this is not my forum and I want to be respectful

When I read that, I knew Jack was seething but not talking straight.
Soon enough, Jack exploded.

6. Emojis & LOLs

Emojis or “LOLs” can be cover-ups to:

• Disrespect you
• Undermine you
• Task you when they shouldn’t be tasking you -or when they should give back much more than a smiley-

Says Bel:

The emoticon with the smile … to camouflage disrespect … is a sign I am starting to recognize

A lawyer tasked Bel to do something that was not Bel’s job, and ended the email with a “have a good day :-)”.