Who Proves to Whom: The Judge Power

Remember the judge from module one?

Of course, we have judges in dating as well.

The judge is the higher status party while the person who proves to the judge is the subordinate.

Proving starts early on, and it’s often looking like an innocent banter in the very beginning.
Here is a very good example from an episode of Dating in The Dark:

Him: I’m disappointed, that’s minus 3 points already
Her: I do apologize. I’m sure we can work something out (now she’s chasing for his validation)

His “I’m disappointed” is the keyword to position himself as the judge and make her prove to him. If she wanted to throw him a counter hook instead she could have said “oh, you’re not the kind of guy who’s into that, are you”.

Very direct ways of making people prove to you don’t work well with high quality and socially intelligent people.
But compliments often go farther:

Rewarding & Judge Role

People can also start taking the judge role while being (seemingly) kind and supportive.

For example they will deliver compliments such as:

I’m impressed.

Well done, I respect a (wo)man who can stick with her passion for years

Nice, great job (with approving facial expression and an upper arm touch as a compliment)

Albeit seemingly supportive, these sentences set him as the judge of the relationship.

What he is actually saying is this: she is doing a good job (by proving herself worthy for him).

Ryan Goslin in “Crazy Stupid Love” makes it a centerpiece of his game to have women prove to him with judging and rewarding:

Cal: She has to be the interesting one. Impress me, impress me with how interesting you are

Sneaky Ways of Making Him Prove to Her

There are countless ways women try to make him prove himself to them.

And while some men are aware of these games in some easy to spot category -ie.: prove how much money you have- they are happy to suck it up in other categories -ie.: prove to me what a great lover you are-.

Here are some:

Her: Why are we going to a gay bar, are you gay? It’s OK if you’re into guys, just let me know

Her: I like men who can throw me against the wall (ie.: can you do that to me?)

Her: You’re not one of those guys who thinks he’s attractive just because he’s rich are you

These are very sneaky because they go to the core of what it means to be a man -or at least the definition that most guys have of being a man-.

And since they’re very happy to prove themselves to be “real men” or “great lovers”, they are very quick in jumping through her hoops.

In the above three examples:

• Tell her you’re not gay (or boast of your women’s history)
• That you’ll throw her against the wall
• That you’re much more than “just rich”

And you’re proving yourself to her.

Better than “what to answer” instead is to think about the issue in terms of root causes.
Stop wanting to prove yourself to her, or see for what it is: a trick to make you prove to her. And the only answer is to NOT prove yourself to her.
Not answering or simply smiling at yourself are great, easy solutions.