First Approach: How to Execute High Power
This chapter will show you a typical progression of a heterosexual couple from the first meeting until it enters a relationship.
The focus is on the power dynamics and the games that both men and women play.
Who’s Got Power in The First Approach?
Most men think that women have most power before approaching.
In a way, that’s true because, on average, women receive bids while have to submit those bids.
Yet, men also have the power to choose when, how, and to whom to submit those bids.
Most women instead must wait to passively receive those bids. Most bids are not what she really hoped for, and the guys she really wants to approach often don’t.
So, in my opinion, this is a draw here.
Women decide which bids they want to assess more deeply and, possibly, which bidders to have sex with.
But men decide when, how, and if to place those bids at all.
Before Meeting
When you’re in a relationship the power dynamics of who invests the most matter less.
And, in good relationships, partners avoid keeping track and instead focus on giving more.
But that’s not the case before the two even meet.
As we mentioned in Social Power, power lies within the person who needs the other the least. Such as, the partner who is less needy.
The two major measures of neediness in social dynamics are effort and interest.
Thus, most early games hide interest and minimize visible efforts.
Make him approach but show little signs
Women are the demand, and they want to remain the demand.
That’s why women usually don’t approach and that’s why, from a power dynamics perspective, it’s indeed best for women to make men approach them.
So, when women are interested in a man, they rather send “approach invitations” instead of doing the heavy work.
The more obvious the signs, the more she signals that she wants him, and the more power she gives away.
That’s why, ideally, women want him to approach without having to send too obvious indicators of interest
This is where a common issue among genders arise: many women try too hard to make their indicators of interest “subtle”.
Women tend to be more subtle and more socially aware than men, and they calibrate their signals to how they would pick up those messages. But most men aren’t as good as women at reading subtle signs.
And that’s why some women complain men are “stupid” and miss the “obvious” cues.
The obvious advice to women here is to make their approach invitations a bit more obvious.
PRO Tip: Make your signals of interest more conspicuous
Men, on average, tend to miss out on many approach invitations and indicators of interest.
As we mentioned earlier, err on the side of conspicuousness. In the worst-case scenario where you come off too strong, you will later say that you only did it because you really liked him, and turn into a positive.
“Conspicuous Rejection” Shows
These are shows, more than games.
Some women, sometimes, will make a big show of rejecting him before he even makes a move.
There are two different reasons women can do this:
- If they make it obvious to the people around, they are trying to increase their value in that specific venue (ie.: “look at me, I reject this guy because I’m so selective and high value”)
- If they make it personal to one guy, they are trying to increase their value to him, by spurning first (ie.: “look at me, I’m too high value for you, try to prove me wrong if you think you got what it takes”)
For example, you might be walking past her, and look at her.
And she might be looking at you.
But the moment your gazes lock for a second, she will flick her hair and turn her head. As if to say: “how dare you look at me, there is no chance on earth I’d even consider you”.
Does this technique work?
More times not than not, no. But, in some cases, it can work big.
People want what they can’t have, and some men have an inborn stalker. That inborn stalker kicks in when he gets denied. So her show off of (fake) superiority and disdain makes him chase and want her.
In a way, this is also a “judge” power move.
She judges him not worthy of her, and now he has to prove her wrong, chasing her validation.
I strongly advice men not to enter in relationships with women who play this game: this is a rather nasty game and a signal of high uncooperativeness. She is out to get power and validation, not to form healthy partnerships and relationships.
Finally, some women end up playing this game because they don’t know any better.
They like a guy, but they get carried away by his advances, thinking they will go on forever. Or they simply don’t realize that denying a guy too curtly, or a few times in a row, breaks both rapport and romance.
In these cases, I recommend the man to “shame her”, and draw attention to her clumsiness by making fun of it.
When she realizes that she was being rude and uncooperative, you will often see her backtrack. That’s exactly what you want to see.
You can see an example here.
With this technique, you are forcing a more cooperative frame on a woman that was mistakenly being uncooperative.
This is high-level game.
Make her notice him: alpha conspicuousness
Men often have the opposite issue.
Some men try to be noticed first, but their efforts become sometimes too conspicuous and crass and women are rarely attracted to it.
Male “notice me” signals include loudness, backslapping with their friends, mansplaying, try-hard efforts at being the center of attention, etc.
This is an example of exaggerated movements from How I Met Your Mother.
If you recognize yourselves in those exaggerated movements, rein it in: over the top attention seeking signals immaturity. And backslapping and hugging signals you need the crutch of the group’s support.
Also avoid other typical males’ “notice me signals” such as car tuning, loud stereos, tank tops showing non-existing muscles.
Those just scream “immature” and “bottom of society”. Social environments where those low quality status indicators abound also have lots of men and way too few women. Avoid them like the plague..
Aggression as Indicator of Mannishness
Aggression is another tool men use to get women’s attention.
It can be a bit of a complex topic, but we will simplify it here.
Men become more competitive when there are women around. Signs of aggression include social climbing, taking up space, talking over others and, in the most extreme cases, violence.
Women tend to appreciate dominant men during their peak ovulatory phase and for short term mating, but prefer warmer men for longer-term relationships.
Men, however, tend to overestimate how attractive aggression is to a woman, and many overdo it (Vandelo et al., 2009).
At the extreme, violence as in physical fight, is more about male-dominance hierarchies than pure female attraction, and fistfights rarely result in sex and mating: we’re not a species where women directly go to the winner of the fight.
In sum, there is a place for social dominance and leadership, but watch out not to overdo it.
In general, I advise men to focus less on being dominant with other men and more on leading in 1:1 interactions with women. There is truly little need to engage in competition to date successfully and the social-climbing game with other men is high effort with smaller returns.
The Power Dynamics of Gaze
Who looks at whom the most is a strong indicator of who has more interest in the other.
And who looks at whom first, before even meeting, is a strong indicator of who was more interested to begin with.
Women try not to be caught checking men out. Most men are not as careful, and they don’t understand that being looked at first confers power.
Sometimes even when the relationship is already going on, couples will unconsciously know whose partner wanted the other the most.
And that sometimes start from the very first gaze.
Women are, on average, better at social dynamics and understand this concept much more naturally.
Check out an example from Sex and The City.
And notice the top two comments from two women, both confirming that it’s part and parcel of most female’s innate mindset:
“Story of every woman’s life”, LOL, that one cracked me up
With this, I’m not saying that men necessarily need to start playing the same games women play. But it’s good being cognizant of what messages you are sending.
For example, before approaching, I like to make sure that I don’t look like I was staring at her. This is particularly important if you are catching up to her from behind. The last thing you want is for her to turn and see you staring at her. It doesn’t matter how good looking and kind you are, she will only see two predatory eyes trained at her, and a stranger chasing her.
And that screams “possible danger” and “possible stalker”.
First Move Power Dynamics
The person who makes the first move communicates he is in pursuit.
While the one who gets approached instead is in the chooser -and power- position.
Environments where women make the first move are the clear sign that there is an overabundance of women and a scarcity of (high quality) men.
And that forces women to take a more active role.
What if she does the first approach?
If she must do the first move, I recommend she pretends her intentions were not romantic.
Ideally, she makes him feel like he moved in that direction instead.
And how should mean react when a woman approaches or sends heavily obvious signs?
Men who receive a woman’s approach should not act surprised or joke that she is so into them. Approaching first is a difficult position for a woman and an act of extreme vulnerability.
He should reward her by being warm and interested instead, making her feel it was the right choice, and as if it was the most natural thing in the world that the two of them were going to meet.
If he does the approach
Remember one of the axioms of social power, the law of least effort?
If the goal is not to give too much power away, men should make their first move as effortless as possible.
Ideally, you want to make it look as if it was pure chance and randomness, so that you neutralize the power down position of being the pursuer.
That means that if you have to cross a whole room to go talk to her, wait for when she’s closer or pretend you are going there for something else.
If there are no other options, then fine. A heavy-investment approach is better than no approach at all.
Men indeed should not be constrained by the fear that making the first move because that puts them in the chasing position.
It’s what’s expected anyway and there are plenty of occasions to rebalance the relationship.
Exception: purposeful high-effort gestures of initial romance, like sending a big bouquet of flowers at her office, are exception which can work well.
You have already seen why: because it works as a form of “conspicuous commitment signaling”, and it’s a promissory note of long-term investment.
The effect is more romantic and less sexy, but it can give women the sensation of a whirlwind romance and that can make her fall in love hard.
The movie The Notebook has one such example (of course Hollywood always has to overdo it)
PRO Tip: Remain Straight with Your Body If You’re Walking by Her
All men have a tendency to rotate their body towards a woman they like when they’re walking by her.
And women often have the opposite tendency: to rotate their body away from men who seem “too interested”.
Notice it within yourself the next time.
If you want to approach with the lowest possible effort your side, make sure you do not rotate your body towards her.
Dealing with Rejections While Retaining Social Power
Rejections are painful to man men’s egos.
But it’s not just a question of ego: rejections also deeply hurt your social status.
They send the message that he is not a hot commodity to everyone who’s in sight, earshot, or within the rumor mill.
That was quite dangerous for his reputation back in the days of smaller communities.
Remember the previous chapters, where we said that women base their attraction on what other women like?
Well, a rejection in the small social circles of our cave days meant that most other women would either see or hear about it.
And this is a wonderful example of a maladaptive trait: in big cities, there is actually little to fear in terms of rumors.
Even outside of cold approach, most people change so many jobs, clubs and communities today that even social circles are transient and temporary.
But our brain is stuck in the savanna.
So it makes sense to force yourself out of it.
Alright, now that being said, even today when a rejection is not the end of the world, it’s still better being able to minimize its effects.
Men who are good at social dynamics are also good at minimizing rejections when they happen in public places.
On some occasions, he might even make it seem as if it was him who was dropping her (which gives him power).
How to do it?
The core principle is very simple: if it doesn’t look like a refusal, then it’s not a refusal.
Here are a few ways to do it:
- Avoid situations where a possible rejection looks like a rejection
Many years ago, I was at a bar where the chairs were positioned all along a narrow corridor where people walked by.
And here walks by an attractive specimen of female homo sapiens.
That’s the perfect example of a high risk approach.
Why?
First of all, because everyone could see a potential rejection.
And second, because a woman might feel slutty if everyone saw her being too warm to a random guy who just jumped in front of her.
I will cut the rest of the story short here. And I deny all allegations that yours truly was the doofus who jumped in, got ignored, got left standing there like an idiot, and then walked back to his chair with the tail between his legs.
Definitely wasn’t me :).
The lesson learned here is: if you are in a closed environment, or in a place where everyone can see or hear you getting rejected, it’s best to avoid very direct styles of approaches.
And it’s best instead go in more social, or indirect.
- Look happy when you eject
Before leaving her or her group, look happy and make it look as it was a friend you had just met.
Make it seem like it was a nice conversation and now you’re just saying “see you around”.
- Look like you own it when you eject
Look how Gosling does it when ejecting.
He cracks a slight joke, turns around and moves away like a boss.
- Move out before they refuse you
As soon as you understand she will say “no thanks”, that she is leaving or that you are not welcome, act as if you were the one ending the conversation.
Rub her arm and say “it was nice meeting you”, then turn away while she’s still looking at you.
It’s a ruthless power move, but as they say: “all is fair in war and love”.
- Embrace it and smile about it
Embracing the rejection and making it look like it doesn’t faze you is one of the most powerful things you can do.
It says that you are “superior”, emotionally strong and that, probably, you have lots of options.
To show acceptance, make a bit show out of it.
Smile, raise your shoulder as if to say “alright, this one didn’t go”, keep your smile as you turn around so that everyone sees how amused you are.
A bit like James Bond did it here.
His facial expression says “I’m amused / my interest is piqued”.
Had he looked sad, he would have communicated a far higher investment in the interaction, like he wanted more out of her but she denied him.
For a full overview of handling rejections and turning “no” into “yes” read: handling rejections.
- Make your move despite the rejection
At the extreme, this ends up looking like this.
Obviously, this is very high risk.
A similar technique, equally effective but slightly lower risk, is to take her hand and start walking in a different direction.
And there are many more situations you can use this technique without even getting physical.
For example, she says “no thanks” and you say “it’s OK, let’s go for a drink”.
I also had much more success than I ever thought possible with this one with women waiting for her boyfriend or date.
She says she’s waiting for her boyfriend, to which I reply: “then we need to exchange contact quick”.
Many women secretly took out their phones, looked around and quickly exchanged contacts. Some took their business card and handed it out to me.
If you do it, move away very quickly so that you don’t raise any suspicion if the boyfriend shows up.
And the second reason why you want to quickly move away is that you stress your unwritten agreement: you are setting up an extra-marital affair, which speeds things up for you.
This is how true killers think.
Some men think about “making a joke about her boyfriends”. For example, pick-up artists used to say: “I also have a pup, you can bring your boyfriend along, too”.
And she will laugh and think he’s a funny entertaining guy, but will have not have much more interest in being with him.
But the true killers, they think: “how can I fuck her, while protecting her relationship”.
Obviously, there are also important moral implications to it, so I can’t wholeheartedly recommend this one.
Value, Investment & Power in The Early Phases
Much early dating’s power dynamics can be seen from the lenses of value and investment.
Men and women try to look higher value while minimizing their investment because there is an inverse correlation between the two.
As a rule of thumb, the more he invests in her and in the interaction, the more he communicates she is higher status than him. And the same is true for women of course.
Body language is also an indicator of investment, skillful seducers moving in a way that makes their target invest more in the interaction.
Look at this example from James Bond.
James Bond takes a step farther away, without waiting for her.
That forces her to catch up to him, a big nonverbal sign she’s investing to keep the interaction going. So early and she’s already shown strong interest while he has barely shown any.
Then he reclines against the booth (locking in) and she takes the outer position: another sign she is more invested in the interaction than he is.
Warning: Avoid “Investment” Races
Men should avoid getting into a race where they try to make her invest as much as possible while giving back as little as possible.
This is a mistake that pick-up artists sometimes fall into as they focus heavily on games and on “demonstrating higher value”. And they inadvertently set a competitive frame instead of a collaborative one (you can see a video example in this dating course review).
Many women will stop investing into the interaction when they realize they’re giving too much without getting anything back.
Same for most high-quality men.
And that’s why I also recommend women to focus on mutual investment. And no so much in “making him invest” as much as possible, as most dating books for women mistakenly recommend.
Female Approaches to Early Conversation
A woman has two different and diametrically opposed approaches to early interaction:
- Flirt: to encourage him -smiling, asking questions, leaning in, quick replies, and touching, if she’s forward-
Marisa Tomei in “Crazy Stupid Love” sends a whole barrage of flirting signals.
- Feign disinterest: to entrench her power position, discourage most suitors and make him invest more. If she likes him, she hopes he will insist
Men who want to test if she’s feigning disinterest and men who want to try changing her mind should insist without looking too crazy interested or too needy.
That is not an easy task.
An effective strategy can be to laugh at her initial disinterest, which calls her game out and shows superiority. It’s as if to say “ahah nice game but you can drop it, the only effect it has on me is to amuse me”.
Or he might say something like “hey, nono, it’s OK, it’s OK, you’re safe here, I’m Lucio”, as if to say “I know you gotta play that game, but I’m a cool guy so we can get to know each other”.
If she was really disinterested, she will get annoyed. If that’s the case, smile, flash your eyebrows up, nod slightly and say something like “I wish you a very good night”.
If you want to leave with a zinger, you might say “such a pity, I seemed to like you before you, but I was wrong”. But I don’t recommend this attitude because it’s too emotionally invested.
Why Women Might Be Maladaptively Feigning Disinterest
Some say it’s an effective evolutionary strategy to “screen out unconfident and inexperienced men”.
They are not fully wrong.
The higher value the woman, the harder he needs to screen lower value men out.
Yet, this technique might not work well once she meets around her own value.
Here is what many misunderstand: evolution is far from perfect. If it adjusts, it takes a very long time to do so. And, when environments have changed quickly and substantially, many of our old adaptations can become maladaptive.
Today, female feigned disinterest also screens out many high-quality men.
High quality men in the savanna had little options in the tribe, so they had to keep chasing the one or two high quality females in the tribe.
But today, they got lots of options, and many of them tell themselves “why should I put up with this crap when I can find a far more friendly lady?”.
Some other men can also be put off by the game playing attitude, while others might have a bit of an ego issue and quickly self-reject.
That’s why, overall, I think it’s not a great strategy if the woman actually liked the guy.
Female Early Tests (“Shit Tests”)
Feigning disinterest is both a tool to make him chase harder and a form of tests.
There are different kinds of tests, which in vernacular seduction communities are referred to as “shit tests”.
Since women, on average, are the choosers, it’s usually women who test men.
Some authors say that tests are good news because she likes you.
But the very nature of the tests tells us that they’re not really that good news because they also communicate she’s not yet sure and that she’s firmly in the chooser position.
She’s basically throwing him the hoops which he must jump through.
Shit tests are not bad news either, though. Because, if he handles the interaction well, then she will also get more attracted.
There are many kinds of tests, but they all come back to a few bigger categories, which are:
- Show me you’re stronger/more dominant than I am
- Show me who you are: boyfriend potential who invests and commit, lover or friend?
Some tests come in a rather standard format, such as “you’re only interested in sex” or “I bet you say that to every girl” or “men always lie“.
How you respond depends on which category you want to go for.
But once you understand what women look for and how you want to position yourself tests are not an issue anymore: you just repeat your spiel based on your positioning.
Let’s see an example:
Her: I’m not looking for dating
I’m not looking for dating is the equivalent of feigning disinterest.
It frames you as the one wanting a relationship –while she doesn’t-. All power is on her side and it’s rather demeaning towards you (plus it’s most often a lie).
How do you answer this challenge?
Most men answer with the following:
Her: I’m not looking for dating
Him: Me neither
Not so good because you are buying into her frame and following her lead.
Also, you don’t know what she’s looking for and if she was testing you as serious long-term candidate you’re out.
Let’s see another common answer:
Her: I’m not looking for dating
Him: What are you looking for then
Not ideal because you’re still buying into her frame, confirming that she is the chooser and… And where else can you go from there?
A good option to resort to in almost all types of shit tests is to ignore them. As a rule of thumb, when you don’t know what to do or what to say with an unhelpful comment, always ignore.
But stay watchful: if she’s really not interested you will get more signs and more warnings soon.
And once you can be fairly sure she’s really not interested, it might be the time to move on.
In our example, a good lover response would look like this:
Her: I’m not looking for dating
Him: we’ll have to do something else than dating then (slight smile)
It shows you’re unfazed by her remark, and frames the interaction as sexual. This is the lover’s answer.
A high risk, high reward answer for a long-term dating strategy would look like this:
Her: I’m not looking for dating
Him: Oh, I used to be like that, too. Now I’m growing tired of all the games and charades and I’m starting to appreciate meaningful relationships more and more. You know, humans love to bond and connect, and I think great relationships are one of the things that makes life worth living.
Boom.
What you’re doing here is lecturing her.
You are calling her out for talking shit, and you say something which does make sense. Most sensible people would agree with you here. In a way, you are shaming her and taking the high ground.
This is high risk because you are breaking rapport and it’s an intellectually dominant power move. If she sticks to her guns, she is refusing your leadership. But if she changes tack, she is U-turning for you and following your lead. Keep up that level of leadership, and you can rest assured that she will be thinking of you like a dream boyfriend.