What to do when a girl rejects you or your invite to spend some time together? How to turn those NOes into YESes?
This is a complex topic because, to answer well, you need to understand the social dynamics behind requests and compliance, and it will take a minute. So for quicker, shallow -and often wrong- recommendations, some other websites are best suited :).
And if you want the real sh**, albeit via a slightly longer read, then read on :).
The first part is the technique, the second part the theory.
- 1. Prevention
- 2. Pretend “NO” Never Happened
- 3. Take a Step Back
- 4. Agree and Redirect
- 5. Insist: Get YES With Persistence
- 6. Change Tack
- when she rejects you: The theory
- Bonus: Common Mistakes
The easiest way to turn a NO into a YES is to.. Never get a no in the first place. Here’s how you do it:
Work Your Way Up
Imagine these two scenarios:
- you meet a girl at the bar, chat for 30 minutes and then invite her home
- You meet a girl at the bar and ask her about her life; then ask her to see her bracelet; then ask her to come sit with you somewhere; then ask her to watch your stuff while you take a leak; then ask her to go get some air and finally tell her you should go chill a bit back at yours
The second could take the exact same time but it’s immensely more likely to finish back at your pace. It’s because it followed a more linear progression where you took the leader role in incremental steps. She granted you that position and got used to answering yes and to investing more and more.
So the tip is: start early with your questions and work your way up.
Some questions makes it harder for the girl to say yes because it puts the pressure all on them. So for example getting down on your knee while asking her to marry you is a heavy one because it squarely places the burden of the decision on her. And every time you place all the power in her hands, it increases tension for her.
You want instead to make it easier for her to say yes by making the first move yourself.
I sometimes like to ask girls if they want to come over while we’re still walking, without stopping and sometimes also when we’re already past the metro station. There’s little pressure on them, we’re already moving and the dynamic expects a yes, which makes it very easy for them to just say “OK”.
Here’s another simple example. Instead of saying “do you want to dance with me?” and then wait, Tell her “shall we have a dance” and stick your hand out. Much easier for her to follow your lead:
2. Pretend “NO” Never Happened
If a tree falls in the forest and nobody hears it, did it make noise? It’s a moot point.
And similarly, pretending the NO never happened takes away its power.
You can use this technique in more occasions you probably think.
Every person with even slightly above average social skills would gain tremendously by ignoring a lot of NOes, complaints and snarky comments thrown their way.
See, the problem of reacting to a NO -or ti anything which doesn’t help the two of getting together- is that it gives power to her. It gives her the power to set the roadblocks while you have to dodge them. She becomes the leader.
Yes, the old dog and the hoops game.
Notice Carrie here doesn’t technically say no, but it works the same way and it’s possibly even worst.
She is refusing to go along with his observation -the equivalent of a “NO”- and even implies his insight sounds hallow and worthless.
Most people here would justify themselves -terrible-, tell them to give him some time to finish -bad- or, worst of all, say complain that was rude or aggressive.
And how does Mr Big react instead? He doesn’t even acknowledge it, thus it’s not real. He then makes up with an actual good observation and… Job done.
Mr Big communicates he’s far too superior to lower himself to trading barbs.
3. Take a Step Back
A fantastic tool and a favorite of mine, similar to when I used to avoid ticket controller in my teens, is to U-turn whenever you see looming on the distance the threat of a NO.
And the earlier the better: if the NO never fully materializes, you’re still in the game.
You: “hey, I’d like to get a coffe with your one of these days when we have a bit more time”
Her: “Hmm.. I’m quite busy these days”
A NO here is looming. Insisting could work, but if you have time your best bet is to interact longer, show how cool you are and charge back later
You: “yeah, I can feel you, I barely got time to eat these days. What are you busy with”
Her: “I’m working on this building model for uni and I have to finish it next week”
You: “Oh cool, what kind of model are you working on”
You: “Hey look, we’re both busy, but we can exchange contact and schedule for when we have a free evening”
As you exchange contact try to pin a date anyway and if she’s not able to tell you one tell her you can meet at some specific place sothat you part with a leading salvo.
4. Agree and Redirect
In some situations, you can you agree with her, go along with it and then change direction to something more fruitful. For example:
Her: “OK, I need to go see my friends now”
You: “You’re right, this place is too smoky, let’s go outside”
(start walking with her)
Try to spot when Ashton Kutcher uses the same technique:
Notice she says “I’m leaving”, and he jumps on the occasion to take a huge plunge in the seduction: going straight home. Instead of arguing on a possibly losing battle -to stay longer-, agree -leaving- and redirect -leaving together-.
A similar technique is to agree and pretend it was your idea so that maybe you can have another chance at a different time. But this is more defensive and we’ll go over it on another article.
5. Insist: Get YES With Persistence
Few things are as sexy as wading through resistances, changing a woman’s mind and then giving her a great time.
The risk of insisting is not just the obvious one of losing the battle, but also that you can come across as combative. You (almost) never want a combative dynamic in seduction. And that’s why you should only insist in make or break situations, like inviting home or escalating towards sex for the first time.
I’m not too into fun and energetic vibe, but in this case it’s good to keep it playful and fun. Avoiding the overly serious is important so that you don’t look too concerned or boring. And most of hell it staves off any chance she could think you’re annoyed, irritated or angry: women are naturally afraid of men who lose their temper too easily when sex is at stake because it rings rape danger bells.
Insisting is an art in itself and deserves its own article, but here’s a quick example:
Her: I really can’t come, I got to wake up early tomorrow for work
You: “Work? Didn’t you just say your boss is a weirdo?”
Her: “Yes but I need to wake up early”
You: “Yeah, you need to wake up early for Mr asshole so he can make a pass on you (laugh), (back to more serious) that’s not the kind of life you deserve Kristi. We are having a great time right now, and if we part ways now, who knows if we’ll ever have another chance again. Didn’t you say you like adventures, like when you went to Rome all by yourself?”
Her: “Yes but it’s getting late”
You: “Exactly! And the more time we spend here, the more time we waste. We will go only for 5 minutes and if being late is a problem I can drive you back. Now wouldn’t it be better to drive back instead of taking the metro? Exactly!. Come on, let’s go (take her hand)
6. Change Tack
This is the bazooka you will use once you’re already knee deep in bad precedents, especially if it’s over setting up a date or exchanging contacts.
The problem with getting a NO is that it sets a precedent. And the more NOes you get, the harder it is to buck the trend. What you do then is to go for something big that takes her out of her rejection autopilot and turns the situation on its head.
Her: “I don’t drink coffe”
You: “Well, Katy, I suppose you understand it’s not about the drink we will pick but about knowing each other, right?”
Her: “Yes but I live far”
You: “That’s not a real issue, you’re here now, you can come back exactly the same way”
Her: “Yes but I’m very busy”
You: “Alright Katy, you’re making it unnecessarily difficult. Then let’s not waste any time. You come straight to my place, we’ll drink a wine together, eat something good and you will get the most amazing sex experience you have ever had
(slight smile, pause for effect)
This technique scrambles everything and gives you the chance of taking the leadership back. Also, it goes from asker -the guy who wants a date- to giver -giving her amazing sex-/
when she rejects you: The theory
Understanding what’s behind a NO is crucially important because the underlying social dynamics of getting or not getting compliance is really AT the core of seduction.
The question of whether or not she accepts your compliance is the answer to the question of whether or not she accepts your leadership and submits to you. And when she says yes, she accepts your leadership and she is submitting to your will. When she refuses, she is rebelling and she is not submitting.
This is key because sex, eventually, is the final submission.
So when she accepts your leadership and submits to your will, you are going in the direction of sex.
And when she is refusing your leadership, she is going her own way, which almost never entails you going along :).
With that in mind, let’s look into the variables that influence how impactful a NO is.
When It Happens
No At The Beginning: Less Damage
A NO very early in the interaction is less damaging. And the reason is simple: are you more likely to say NO to a friend or to someone you don’t know yet? Most often, you are more likely to say no to someone you don’t know yet.
That’s why an early NO is less damaging: she’s more rejecting a stranger than she’s rejecting you. And it’s possible that once you two vibe a bit more she’ll be more willing to invest and comply later on.
No Later On: Damaging
Getting a NO later on is instead more damaging because she has had more time to assess you and it’s more likely she has made up her mind about you.
Sure or Unsure
“Noes” come in many flavors, and your answer will depend on which point of the interaction you’re at.
During milestones of the interaction you gently but resolutely push forward on Unsure Noes and Masked Yeses because these give you the biggest chance of turning them into full Yeses. If you don’t attack them, you risk they will solidify into Firm Noes, and you can’t risk that during key milestones such as inviting home or undressing.
Firm NOes are convinced, full refusal.
Unsure NOes (Maybe)
These can range from more leaning towards full Noes or simply token resistances. You can ignore them during conversation but attack them during key compliance milestones (moving with you; coming home; undressing).
“I’m not sure”
“I don’t think we should be doing this… ”
“I would like to, but my last train is about to come.. ”
“I can’t, I can’t control myself.. “
Sometimes a full YES can hide behind a question or a request for compliance.
A very typical YES masked in the form of a question is “is it far” at the question “wanna come over”.
Note: it sounds very cool when James Bond answer very dryly and keeps the social pressure on her by not saying a word. It’s a common sales technique, but in my experience works less well in seduction because women tend to be risk avoidant more times than they are risk takers.
It’s better then to volunteer information and nudge her to make it as easy as possible for her. Don’t risk she bows out of social pressure to save face just so that you can look cooler. Much better to say: “yes, it’s very near, we can have a quick drink and then come back”
Here’s an example of a compliance request in exchange for her YES.
Note: Carries wants to make him commit more. He invests more and she seems harder to get. It raises her value and slots him a bit further into the chasing position.
His reaction is also extremely good.
How You Ask
Big Deal Questions
The more you make a big of a deal out of the question, the more the NO will accrue power. It’s because when you make a big deal out if it you are communicating it means a lot for you and if she refuses, she refuses something majorly important.
Coming back from Big Deal NOes, then, will be much harder.
A few ways to make a big deal out of a question:
- Stop when you ask
- Look at her deeply
- Show nervousness
- Ask in front of people
- Look at her expectantly
What you say also matters. The more you stick your neck out by highlighting it’s a question, the bigger the pressure on both of you. Obvious questions tend to raise the stakes higher than statements or half-questions, and increase the consequences of a NO.
Note: you do “half questions” by using “wanna”, “shall we”, “will you”etc. and by not raising your voice as much at the end of the question.
A few ways of making questions a big deal:
“Do you want to come home with me”
“Do you want to come on a date with me”
“Do you want to marry me”
On the other hand, the more chill and detached you look in your question, the more inconsequential the NO will be.
For example, I often ask girls to come over at my place when we’re walking back towards the metro. It looks like I’m shipping them home early and that I’m totally cool with it. And then while we’re still walking or as soon as I stop as if to say goodbye I add “hey, wanna come over for a drink?”
How Coolly You Take it
If you get offended, or pout or go off the handle, then you are just making that NO a huge deal. And of course, you are also showing you’re a man of low value but not being in control of your emotions and, probably, not being too used to having women and options in your life.
On the other hand, if you are super cool and chill with her reply, you communicate it was no big deal for you and the NO will also have less power on your interaction and on the balance of power between you two.
How You Persist
Persistence is a funny thing.
The basic rule is simple: the more you keep pushing, the bigger of a deal you make it. So if you still get refused after insisting for a while you’re done and probably nothing ever is going to happen with her. But if you get a yes, now you score major major points: girls love a man who can barge his way through her resistance.
Note: If you get a yes after a long persistence, make sure to reward her and make her feel good about it. What you’re doing here here is to avoid looking like you’ve just won a war and you’re now the mean conqueror. You want to make her feel good instead that she finally gave in and that she made the right choice. So be warmer, gentler and funnier.
This is especially true when sex happens after a long push: it’s paramount you make her understand she did the right choice. Some trumped up rape allegations might also be the consequence of girls feeling bad and used after they finally gave in and the guy made her feel bad about it afterwards.
Since persistence is riskier, only persist when it’s worth it and when it’s a do or die situation. For example: you are leaving town the day after and she’s on the fence about coming home with you; you’re at home and have begun foreplay; she’s refusing something she knows is important to you.
Note: this should be obvious to everyone, but just to make sure: you only persist on unsure NOes and maybe. Persisting on full NOes, particularly when they’re getting firmer and firmer, is assault.
Bonus: Common Mistakes
After this article you can already understand many most common mistakes. But here are a few examples on what not to do when a girl rejects you:
Arguing Over Nothing
Sometimes the rejection can be not about you but about your ideas, opinion, lifestyle or whatever. You don’t need to agree with her, but it’s paramount you don’t let the disagreement become an argument and a reason why the two of your can’t be together -if only for a brief night-.
You will see it often from less socially savvy guy when they escalate their differences into heated arguments about who’s right or wrong.
I remember years ago going back home to a girl’s place. As we drank and smoked weed, she started with her left wing tirades and I didn’t resist in raising a few questions. A little argument ensued and I managed to go back without seeing any action.
God I was a dumbass :).
Entrenching Her Positions
Sometimes she will reject you as a worthy man or the two of you together as a good couple. Especially when it’s early on, these comments are often simply little power plays she’s using, and it’s a mistake trying to “convince” her she’s wrong because you force her to repeat over and over that it’s not going anywhere between the two of you.
A typical example is the girl saying you’re just friends and the man saying it’s not true. Talking about a losing battle :).
Ryan Gosling has become famous for being a sex symbol and for being amazing with women in the movie “Crazy Stupid Love”. And while that reputation is well deserved, he does make a small mistake here:
The mistake is trying to corner her into admitting that she finds him attractive. As she repeats NO both in her mind and verbally, that only serves to entrench her position. The more we repeat something and the more we defend something, the more real it becomes. And it triggers the Commitment and Consistency principle (Cialdini), which will make it harder for her to behave later on like she actually likes him.
After saying no it would have been better to smile and add “sure not”, as if to imply she’s just lied and she’s hiding and then move on.
You probably heard about the YES ladder.
Well, the NO ladder works exactly the same way but in the opposite direction. Some guys make this mistake of confusing persistence to a full NO with “asking the same thing over and over”, just changing a few words here and there. The result is that they get rejected over and over. As a matter of fact, two NOes in a row is already often enough to sink you.