What to do when a girl rejects you?
How do you change her mind?
How to turn those NOes into YESes?
By the end of this article you will know how.
- What to Do When She Rejects You
- When a Girl Rejects You: The theory
- Common Mistakes When a Girl Rejects You
What to Do When She Rejects You
This will be a slightly longer post because it addresses the topic of rejection and changing people’s mind on a deeper level.
The first part deals with the techniques on what to do when a girl rejects you, the second part the theory of rejection -what makes rejection harder to change and what makes them easier to turn around-.
#1. Prevent The Rejection
The easiest way to turn a NO into a YES is to.. Never get a no in the first place.
Here’s how you do it:
Work Your Way Up In Smaller Steps
Imagine these two scenarios:
- You meet a girl at the bar, chat for 10 minutes and then invite her home
- You meet a girl at the bar and ask her about her life. And then:
- Tell her to see her bracelet;
- Tell her to come sit with you somewhere;
- Tell her to watch your stuff while you take a leak;
- Tell her to go get some air
- Finally, tell her you should go chill a bit back at yours
The second could take the exact same time, but it’s immensely more likely to end up back at your pace.
It’s because it followed a more linear progression where you took the lead role in incremental steps.
She granted you that position and got used to answering yes and to invest more and more.
So the tip is: start early with your questions and work your way up.
Lead Her Towards “Yes”
Some questions make it easier for the girl to say “no” than to say “yes”.
And those are the questions that most men ask.
You want instead to make it easier for her to say yes by making the first move yourself.
Example: Asking Girls Home The Correct Way
I like to ask girls if they want to come over while we’re still walking, not when we’ve stopped.
And sometimes I will ask them after we’ve already passed their metro station.
There’s little pressure on them, we’re already moving and the dynamic expects a yes, which makes it very easy for them to just say “OK”.
Here’s another simple example.
Instead of saying “do you want to dance with me?” and then wait, tell her “shall we have a dance” and stick your hand out.
Much easier for her to follow your lead because you don’t place the burden of decision making on her:
Him: this music, this place… Will you dance with me (and sticks his hand out)
#2. Pretend “NO” Never Happened
If a tree falls in the forest and nobody hears it, did it make a noise?
It’s a moot point.
And similarly, pretending the NO never happened takes away its power.
Paulson and Roloff indeed found out that dealing with the rejection without mentioning the rejection at all, resulted in higher compliance rates (Paulson & Roloff, 1997).
No, it’s not crazy or rape-y if you use it well.
Anyone with even slightly above average social skills would gain tremendously by ignoring a lot of NOes, complaints and snarky comments thrown their way.
See, the problem of reacting to a NO is that it makes the “no” much more real. It gives power to that “no” and it gives power to her”
She becomes the leader.
And women don’t like sleeping with powerless men who are not leaders.
Here is a good video example:
She is refusing to go along with his observation -the equivalent of a “NO”- and even implies his insight sounds hollow and worthless.
Most people here would justify themselves -terrible-, tell them to give him some time to finish -bad- or, worst of all, complain that was rude or aggressive.
And how does Mr Big react instead? He doesn’t even acknowledge it, thus it’s not real. He then makes up with an actual good observation and… Job done.
Mr Big communicates he’s far too superior to lower himself to trading barbs.
#3. Take a Step Back
A favorite of mine.
This one requires you to see the “no” brooding on the horizon and to change route before it materializes.
You: “hey, I’d like to get a coffee with you one of these days when we have a bit more time”
Her: “Hmm.. I’m quite busy these days”
It’s a polite “no”, but it’s not a “no” yet.
Instead of pushing or accepting the “no”, interact a bit longer, show how cool you are and charge back later
You: “yeah, I can feel you, I barely got time to eat these days. What are you busy with”
Her: “I’m working on this building model for uni and I have to finish it next week”
You: “Oh cool, what kind of model are you working on”
You: “Hey look, we’re both busy, but we can exchange contact and schedule for when we have a free evening”
I cannot count how many “nos” I have turned around like this.
As you exchange contact try to pin a date anyway.
And if she’s not able to tell you one, tell her you can meet at some specific place and you’ll decide the date later on (very dominant).
#4. Agree and Redirect
In some situations, you can agree with her, go along with it and then change direction to something more fruitful.
Her: “OK, I need to go see my friends now”
You: “You’re right, this place is too smoky, let’s go outside”
(Start walking with her)
Try to spot when Ashton Kutcher uses the same technique:
Notice she says “I’m leaving”, and he jumps on the occasion to take a huge plunge in the seduction: going straight home.
Instead of arguing on a possibly losing battle -to stay longer-, agree -leaving- and redirect -leaving together-.
A similar technique is to agree and pretend it was your idea so that maybe you can have another chance at a different time. But this is more defensive and we’ll go over it on another article.
#5. Change Tack
This is the bazooka you will use once you’re already knee deep in bad precedents, especially if it’s over setting up a date or exchanging contacts.
The problem with getting a NO is that it sets a precedent.
And the more “NO” you get, the harder it is to buck the trend.
What you do then is to go for something big that takes her out of her rejection autopilot and turns the situation on its head.
Her: “I don’t drink coffee”
You: “Well, Katy, I suppose you understand it’s not about the drink we will pick but about knowing each other, right?”
Her: “Yes, but I live far”
You: “That’s not a real issue, you’re here now, you can come back exactly the same way”
Her: “Yes, but I’m very busy”
You: “Alright Katy, you’re making it unnecessarily difficult. Then let’s not waste any time. You come straight to my place, we’ll drink a wine together, eat something good and you will get the most amazing sex experience you have ever had
(slight smile, pause for effect)
This technique scrambles everything and gives you the chance of taking the leadership back. Also, it goes from asker -the guy who wants a date- to giver -giving her amazing sex-/
#6. Insist: Get YES With Persistence
Few things are as sexy as wading through resistances, changing a woman’s mind and then giving her a great time.
The risk of insisting is not just the obvious one of losing the battle, but also that you can come across as combative.
You (almost) never want a combative dynamic in seduction.
And that’s why you should only insist on make or break situations, like inviting home or escalating towards sex for the first time.
I’m not too into fun and energetic vibe, but in this case, it’s good to keep it playful and fun.
Avoiding the overly serious is important so that you don’t look too concerned or boring.
And most of hell it staves off any chance she could think you’re annoyed, irritated or angry: women are naturally afraid of men who lose their temper too easily when sex is at stake because it rings rape danger bells.
Insisting is an art in itself and deserves its own article, but here’s a quick example:
Her: I really can’t come, I got to wake up early tomorrow for work
You: “Work? Didn’t you just say your boss is a weirdo?”
Her: “Yes, but I need to wake up early”
You: “Yeah, you need to wake up early for Mr asshole so he can make a pass at you (laugh, then back to more serious) that’s not the kind of life you deserve Kristi. We are having a great time right now, and if we part ways now, who knows if we’ll ever have another chance again. Didn’t you say you like adventures, like when you went to Rome all by yourself?”
Her: “Yes, but it’s getting late”
You: “Exactly! And the more time we spend here, the more time we waste. We will go only for 5 minutes and if being late is a problem I can drive you back. Now wouldn’t it be better to drive back instead of taking the metro? Exactly!. Come on, let’s go (take her hand)
#7. Make Your Money Anyway
For obvious reasons, this is high-risk, high effort.
See here an example:
I don’t recommend going for the kiss after a rejection as that would be too much of a step.
However, you can still take her hand and say “come on, let’s go” and see if she resists.
When a Girl Rejects You: The theory
There are different types of rejections.
Some of there aren’t even rejections at all, but just “fronts’.
Understanding what’s behind that “no” requires emotional intelligence, and it truly is at the core of what seduction is all about.
Working around that “no” to make her fall your lead requires assertiveness and, as well, emotional and social intelligence.
The question of whether or not she accepts your compliance is the answer to the question of whether or not she will accept you as her lover.
And when she says yes, she accepts your leadership and she is submitting to your will.
But when she refuses, she is rejecting your leadership.
This is key because sex, eventually, is the final submission.
Sex is a chain of yesses with a little NO as possible.
So when she accepts your leadership and submits to your will, you are going in the direction of sex.
And when she is refusing your leadership, she is going her own way, which almost never entails you going along :).
When She Rejects You
With that in mind, let’s look into the variables that influence how meaning her rejection actually is.
No At The Beginning: Move On
A NO very early in the interaction is less damaging, and might even be a shit test.
The reason why it matters less is simple: are you more likely to say NO to a friend or to someone you don’t know yet?
Most often, you are more likely to say no to someone you don’t know yet.
That’s why an early NO is less damaging: she’s more rejecting a stranger than she’s rejecting you.
And it’s possible that once you two vibe a bit more she’ll be more willing to invest and comply later on.
No Later On: This Is Damaging
Getting a NO later on is instead more damaging because she has had more time to assess you and it’s more likely she has made up her mind about you.
Assess The Intent Behind Her NO
“Noes” come in many flavors, and your answer will depend on which point of the interaction you’re at.
During milestones of the interaction you gently but resolutely push forward on Unsure Noes and Masked Yeses because these give you the biggest chance of turning them into full Yeses.
If you don’t attack them, you risk they will solidify into Firm Noes, and you can’t risk that during key milestones such as inviting home or undressing.
Firm NOes are convinced, full refusal:
Unsure NOes (Maybe)
These can range from more leaning towards full Noes or simply token resistances.
You can ignore them during conversation but attack them during key compliance milestones (moving with you; coming home; undressing).
“I’m not sure”
“I don’t think we should be doing this… ”
“I would like to, but my last train is about to come.. ”
“I can’t, I can’t control myself.. “
Insist on Masked YESes
Sometimes a full YES can hide behind a question or a request for compliance.
A very typical YES masked in the form of a question is “is it far” at the question “wanna come over”.
it sounds very cool when James Bond answers very dryly and keeps the social pressure on her by not saying a word.
It’s a common sales technique, but in my experience works less well in seduction because women tend to be risk avoidant.
Read here the full analysis.
How You Ask
How you ask also impacts how her possible rejection will harm the seduction.
And if it will harm it at all.
Big Deal Questions
The more you make a big of a deal out of the question, the more the NO will accrue power.
It’s because when you make a big deal out of it you are communicating it means a lot for you and if she refuses, she refuses something majorly important.
If you make a big deal out of it and she rejects it, then the rejection is a big deal.
Coming back from Big Deal NOes, then, will be much harder.
A few ways to make a big deal out of a question:
- Stop when you ask
- Look at her deeply
- Show nervousness
- Ask in front of people
- Look at her expectantly
What you say also matters.
The more you stick your neck out by highlighting it’s a question, the bigger the pressure on both of you.
Obvious questions tend to raise the stakes higher than statements or half-questions, and increase the consequences of a NO.
you do “half questions” by using “wanna”, “shall we”, “will you” etc. And by not raising your voice as much at the end of the question.
A few ways of making questions a big deal:
“Do you want to come home with me”
“Do you want to come on a date with me”
“Do you want to marry me”
And the opposite is also true:
The more you make your question a trivial question, the more meaningless a “no” will be.
For example, I often ask girls to come over at my place when we’re walking back towards the metro.
It looks like I’m shipping them home early and that I’m totally cool with it.
And then while we’re still walking or as soon as I stop as if to say goodbye, I add nonchalantly: “hey, wanna come over for a drink?”
How Coolly You Take The NO
Women are very careful of how men take rejections.
A man who gets angry upon rejections is a dangerous man (and not dangerous in a positive way).
If you get offended, or pout or go off the handle, then you are just making that NO a huge deal.
And of course, you are also showing you’re a man of low value, not in control of your emotions and, probably, with few options in your life.
On the other hand, if you are super cool and chill with her reply, you communicate it was no big deal for you.
And the NO will have little meaning and little effects on the balance of power between you two.
Do You Persist Well?
Persistence is a funny thing.
The basic rule is simple: the more you keep pushing, the bigger of a deal you make it.
So if you still get refused after insisting for a while you’re done and dusted.
But if you get a yes, now you score major, major points: girls love a man who can barge his way through her resistance.
But You Must Rebuild Goodwill!
But you must make sure you make her feel good about giving in.
What you’re doing here is to avoid looking like you’ve just won a war and you’re now the mean conqueror.
You want to make her feel good instead that she finally gave in and that she made the right choice.
So be warmer, gentler and funnier.
This is especially true when sex happens after a long push: it’s paramount you make her understand she made the right choice.
Some trumped up rape allegations might also be the consequence of girls feeling bad and used after they finally gave in and the guy made her feel bad about it afterward.
Since persistence is riskier, only persist when it’s worth it and when it’s a do or die situation.
Common Mistakes When a Girl Rejects You
After this article you can already understand many most common mistakes. But here are a few examples of what not to do when a girl rejects you:
Arguing Over Nothing
Sometimes the rejection can be not about you, but about your ideas, opinion, lifestyle or whatever.
You don’t need to agree with her, but it’s paramount you don’t let the disagreement become an argument and a reason why the two of your can’t be together -if only for a brief night-.
You will see it often from the less socially savvy guys when they escalate their differences into heated arguments about who’s right or wrong.
I remember years ago going back home to a girl’s place.
As we drank and smoked weed, she started with her left wing tirades and I didn’t resist in raising a few questions. A little argument ensued and I managed to go back without seeing any action.
God, I was a dumbass :).
Entrenching Her Positions
Sometimes rejections are just stock-sentences without any meaning.
It’s a huge mistake trying to “convince” her she’s wrong because you force her to repeat over and over that it’s not going anywhere between the two of you.
A typical example is the girl saying you’re just friends and the man saying it’s not true.
Talking about a losing battle :).
Ryan Gosling makes that mistake in “Crazy Stupid Love”:
The mistake is trying to corner her into admitting that she finds him attractive.
But it’s too early!
As she repeats NO both in her mind and verbally, that only serves to entrench her position.
The more we repeat something, the more real it becomes. And it triggers the Commitment and Consistency principle, which will make it harder for her to behave later on like she actually likes him.
After saying no it would have been better to smile and add “sure not”, as if to imply she’s just lying and then move on.
You probably heard about the YES ladder.
Well, the NO ladder works exactly the same way but in the opposite direction.
Some guys make this mistake of confusing persistence with “asking the same thing over and over”, just changing a few words here and there.
The result is that they get rejected over and over.
As a matter of fact, two NOs in a row are already enough to sink you.