What to do when a girl rejects you?
How do you change her mind?
How to turn those NOes into YESes?
By the end of this article, you will know how.
- What to Do When She Rejects You
- Assessing rejections
- Common Mistakes When a Girl Rejects You
What to Do When She Rejects You
We will address the topic of rejection and changing people’s minds.
The first part deals with the techniques on what to do when a girl rejects you, the second part on the general principles of rejections.
#1. Prevent The Rejection
The easiest way to turn a NO into a YES is to.. Never get a no in the first place.
Here’s how you do it:
Work Your Way Up In Smaller Steps
Imagine these two scenarios:
- You meet a girl at the bar, chat for 10 minutes and then invite her home
- You meet a girl at the bar and ask her about her life. And then:
- Tell her to see her bracelet;
- Tell her to come sit with you somewhere;
- Tell her to watch your stuff while you take a leak;
- Tell her to go get some air
- Finally, tell her you should go chill a bit back at yours
The second could take the exact same time, but it’s immensely more likely to end up back at your pace.
It’s because it followed a more linear progression where you took the lead role in incremental steps.
She granted you that position and got used to answering yes and to invest more and more.
So the tip is: start early with your questions and work your way up.
Lead Her Towards “Yes”
Some questions make it easier for the girl to say “no” than to say “yes”.
And those are the questions that most men ask.
You want instead to make it easier for her to say yes by making the first move yourself.
Example: Asking Girls Home The Correct Way
I like to ask girls if they want to come over while we’re still walking, not when we’ve stopped.
And sometimes I will ask them after we’ve already passed their metro station.
There’s little pressure on them, we’re already moving and the dynamic expects a yes, which makes it very easy for them to just say “OK”.
Here’s another simple example.
Instead of saying “do you want to dance with me?” and then wait, tell her “shall we have a dance” and stick your hand out.
Much easier for her to follow your lead because you don’t place the burden of decision making on her:
Him: this music, this place… Will you dance with me (and sticks his hand out)
#2. Pretend “NO” Never Happened
If a tree falls in the forest and nobody hears it, did it make a noise?
It’s a moot point.
And similarly, pretending the NO never happened takes away its power.
Paulson and Roloff indeed found out that dealing with the rejection without mentioning the rejection at all, resulted in higher compliance rates (Paulson & Roloff, 1997).
No, it’s not crazy or rape-y if you use it well.
Anyone with even slightly above average social skills would gain tremendously by ignoring a lot of NOes, complaints and snarky comments thrown their way.
See, the problem of reacting to a NO is that it makes the “no” much more real. It gives power to that “no” and it gives power to her”
She becomes the leader.
And women don’t like sleeping with powerless men who are not leaders.
#3. Take a Step Back
A favorite of mine.
This one requires you to see the “no” coming up and to change route before it materializes.
You: “hey, I’d like to get a coffee with you one of these days when we have a bit more time”
Her: “Hmm.. I’m quite busy these days”
It’s a polite “no”, but it’s not a “no” yet.
Instead of pushing or accepting the “no”, interact a bit longer, show how cool you are and charge back later
You: “yeah, I can feel you, I barely got time to eat these days. What are you busy with”
Her: “I’m working on this building model for uni and I have to finish it next week”
You: “Oh cool, what kind of model are you working on”
You: “Hey look, we’re both busy, but we can exchange contact and schedule for when we have a free evening”
I cannot count how many “nos” I have turned around like this.
As you exchange contact try to pin a date anyway.
And if she’s not able to tell you one, tell her you can meet at some specific place and you’ll decide the date later on (very dominant).
#4. Agree and Redirect
In some situations, you can agree with her, go along with it and then change direction to something more fruitful.
Her: “OK, I need to go see my friends now”
You: “You’re right, this place is too smoky, let’s go outside”
(Start walking with her)
Try to spot when Ashton Kutcher uses the same technique:
Notice she says “I’m leaving”, and he jumps on the occasion to take a huge plunge in the seduction: going straight home.
Instead of arguing on a possibly losing battle -to stay longer-, agree -leaving- and redirect -leaving together-.
A similar technique is to agree and pretend it was your idea so that maybe you can have another chance at a different time. But this is more defensive and we’ll go over it on another article.
#5. Change Tack
This is the bazooka you will use once you’re already knee deep in bad precedents, especially if it’s over setting up a date or exchanging contacts.
The problem with getting a NO is that it sets a precedent.
And the more “NO” you get, the harder it is to buck the trend.
What you do then is to go for something big that takes her out of her rejection autopilot and turns the situation on its head.
Her: “I don’t drink coffee”
You: “Well, Katy, I suppose you understand it’s not about the drink we will pick but about knowing each other, right?”
Her: “Yes, but I live far”
You: “That’s not a real issue, you’re here now, you can come back exactly the same way”
Her: “Yes, but I’m very busy”
You: “Alright Katy, you’re making it unnecessarily difficult. Then let’s not waste any time. You come straight to my place, we’ll drink a wine together, eat something good and you will get the most amazing sex experience you have ever had
(slight smile, pause for effect)
This technique scrambles everything and gives you the chance of taking the lead back. Also, it goes from asker -the guy who wants a date- to giver -giving her amazing sex-.
#6. Insist: Get YES With Persistence
Few things are as sexy as wading through resistances, changing a woman’s mind and then giving her a great time.
The risk of insisting is not just the obvious one of losing the battle, but also that you can come across as combative.
You (almost) never want a combative dynamic in seduction.
And that’s why you should only insist on make or break situations, like inviting home or escalating towards sex for the first time.
It’s easy to do fun and energetic wrong, but in this case, it’s good to keep it playful and fun.
Avoiding the overly serious is important so that you don’t look too concerned or boring.
And most of hell it staves off any chance she could think you’re annoyed, irritated or angry: women are naturally afraid of men who lose their temper too easily when sex is at stake because it rings rape danger bells.
Insisting is an art in itself and deserves its own article, but here’s a quick example:
Her: I really can’t come, I got to wake up early tomorrow for work
You: “Work? Didn’t you just say your boss is a weirdo?”
Her: “Yes, but I need to wake up early”
You: “Yeah, you need to wake up early for Mr asshole so he can make a pass at you (laugh, then back to more serious) that’s not the kind of life you deserve Kristi. We are having a great time right now, and if we part ways now, who knows if we’ll ever have another chance again. Didn’t you say you like adventures, like when you went to Rome all by yourself?”
Her: “Yes, but it’s getting late”
You: “Exactly! And the more time we spend here, the more time we waste. We will go only for 5 minutes and if being late is a problem I can drive you back. Now wouldn’t it be better to drive back instead of taking the metro? Exactly!. Come on, let’s go (take her hand)
#7. Make Your Money Anyway
For obvious reasons, this is high-risk, high effort.
See here an example:
I don’t recommend going for the kiss after a rejection as that would be too much of a step.
However, you can still take her hand and say “come on, let’s go” and see if she resists.
See “Seduction University” for example on how to assess rejection and grow your emotional intelligence.
Common Mistakes When a Girl Rejects You
After this article you can already understand many most common mistakes. But here are a few examples of what not to do when a girl rejects you:
Arguing Over Nothing
Sometimes the rejection can be not about you, but about your ideas, opinion, lifestyle or whatever.
You don’t need to agree with her, but it’s paramount you don’t let the disagreement become an argument and a reason why the two of your can’t be together -if only for a brief night-.
You will see it often from the less socially savvy guys when they escalate their differences into heated arguments about who’s right or wrong.
I remember years ago going back home to a girl’s place.
As we drank and smoked weed, she started with her left wing tirades and I didn’t resist in raising a few questions. A little argument ensued and I managed to go back without seeing any action.
God, I was a dumbass :).
Avoid Thread-Expanding the Rejection
Sometimes rejections are just stock-sentences without any meaning.
It’s a huge mistake trying to “convince” her she’s wrong because you force her to repeat over and over that it’s not going anywhere between the two of you.
A typical example is the girl saying you’re just friends and the man saying it’s not true.
Talking about a losing battle :).
Ryan Gosling makes that mistake in “Crazy Stupid Love”:
Him: I find you very attractive, do you find me attractive?
Her: I don’t
Him: You do
Her: I don’t
Him: permission to approach the bench (and now he’s trying to “convince” her after he has thread-expanded on the no, he’s fighting an uphill battle)
It was too early to ask her “do you find me attractive”.
As she repeats NO both in her mind and verbally, that only serves to entrench her position.
The more we repeat something, the more real it becomes. And it triggers the Commitment and Consistency principle, which will make it harder for her to behave later on like she actually likes him.
After saying no it would have been better to smile and add “sure not”, as if to imply she’s just lying and then move on.
You probably heard about the YES ladder.
Well, the NO ladder works exactly the same way but in the opposite direction.
Some guys make this mistake of confusing persistence with “asking the same thing over and over”, just changing a few words here and there.
The result is that they get rejected over and over.
As a matter of fact, two NOs in a row are already enough to sink you.
Him: maybe you can show me around
Her: I don’t think so. Can I get you anything else?
Him: how about your phone number
Asking for her phone number comes too soon after the “no”. He had to give it more time.