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Being Sniggered/laughed at with a "I'm better" vibe
Hi Guys,
What to do when a guy is always sniggering at you?
Whatever I say, this is the default mode, a nervous laugh in response, and mocking in it.
It's like he sees me and just by the sight of me: he laughs. Like there is something about ME that is laughable. Or what I did. The idea he has of me. Make him laugh. I feel like a prisoner. It's ok if' I'm being funny.
But when I shift to serious: he is still laughing at me.
I tried t0 go at him serious, over and over, but even though I am serious, he always have this way of engaging and talking with a mocking laugh, and it feels like he is looking down on me with it.
Me: Hey man,
Him: Hey, how is it going + mocking laugh
-----
Me: Hey man
Him: Oh no, not him ... + mocking laugh (snigger)
----
Me: Doing something
Him: mocking laugh.
---
Me: Sharing an opinion
Him: Taking a statement out of it, and laughing
---
Me: Eating, having a minor issue with the food
Him: Generalizing and suggesting this is typical Mathieu behavior + Laugh
So my take is:
He is very judgmental. He probably has a certain idea of me, and whatever I do/try to change it, the situation doesn't change. And I tried hard to turn him into a friend, and connect on the same level (Judge role).
I feel like he doesn't respect or value me as a peer. He thinks he is above me. Or he might feel inferior, and this is his way to push me down to push him up.
Solution:
1/ Surface: What are you laughing at.
But I cannot ask him every time. He is in "default mode".
2/ Treat him as a frenemy. Limit contacts. Use Philosopher frame. Fade away.
But that's like the definite measure. And what if I need his support in the future?
And this is not just this guy. I have a little brother who is also using sniggers to push himself up and push me down.
Digging up, they are shallow, but on the surface, those laughters, if they are left unaddress are like "thousand cuts"
What do you guys think is the right way to address that?
Hey guys,
Do you need me to add some details about the post?
I would really appreciate if someone gave me a feedback on that big issue. It is getting under my skin.
Cheers.
Mathieu
And I tried hard to turn him into a friend, and connect on the same level (Judge role).
Could you elaborate on what you mean by "tried hard to turn him into a friend"?
Do you mean judging him to get him to be more friendly?
A concrete conversation here would help us a lot.
What do you think about addressing his laughter assertively?
We have a thread about laughter here:
How to Tell That the Laughter is Dismissive in this Scene from the Movie Beautiful Girls?
If you can copy and paste the type of laughter that resembles your situation, it could give better context.
Surfacing seems like a solid option.
Try it out and report here to see how it goes.
It's possible you will eventually want to cut him out of your life as he seems to behave very turkey-like.
But first learn from it.
How to Get Answers
And generally speaking, the best way to get input is to check the guidelines (including good formatting that makes it easier to read).
Plus, remember the social exchange:
- Mix questions with contributions: people would rather give to those who've given -or at least try to-
- Avoid opening more than one question-based thread in a short time span: say, two threads on the same day, or two threads before anyone even replies to the first. Or it seems like you're overloading and over-asking (and that self-frames you as a taker)
Notice who are the people here who tend to get answers most consistently.
It's people who:
- write well, with proper formatting
- frame their question as an opportunity to learn
- frame their question as a "let's learn from this" rather than "help me"
- contribute in other thread and thank others for their help
- report updates so it feels like everyone's learning in real time (see example of Bel in his work issue)
You've already taken great steps forward though.
Edit:
Might want to make a thread soon on "how to get the most out of the forum", which is indirectly also a guide on social skills and mentoring.
Matthew,
That is it: a sarcastic/dismissive/snarky laughter.
It happens when:
1/ I defend a political view that is different from his:
Him: So Mathieu, you still support X ? + Snarky laughter
Him: Hey Mathieu look, there is your mentor on TV + Snarky laughter
2/ I share strong opinions about politics:
Me: The reason why X happened is This and This.
Him: Snarky laughter
Me: Keep talking
Him: keep throwing snarky laughtersÂ
Me: Big urge to shut him up.
3/ At work/school: Some people, whenever they see me:
So yesterday, I addressed it:
Me: Saying anything
Him: Snarky laughter
Me: What is funny? Mh?
Him: Nothing + smile
Me: But you are doing snarky laughter.
Him: Deny it.
Me: You might not realize it, but you are doing it, and it is quite annoying. It feels like you are mocking me.
At this point, I get worried that I come across as too thin-skin and paranoid.
Him: No, I am not. Keep denying
10 min later.
Him: Snarky Laughter:
Me: See? Right here. You just did it.
Him: But no, come on Mathieu, stop being so aggressive.Later
Him: Snarky laughter.
Me: Dude, you are doing it again.
Him: Deny itLater
Me: There. There are people around, I have drawn attention on this laughter a few times now.
Him: You know why I am doing it? Finally admit it.
Sounds great stuff, Mathieu!
So, what did he say "why he is doing it"?
Thanks for sharing the updates in such detail. It looks like it's going in the right direction.
He knows that you will no longer let him get away with the snarky laughter.
When you point it out, it also potentially annoys him.
Finally, he became defensive.
To avoid sounding thin-skinned, you can say it strongly, slowly and calmly.
Also curious as to why he says he's laughing.
Hello guys,
Thank you Lucio and Matthew.
Once he admitted, I dropped it.
Cause I didn't want to let him provide a "justification".
Cause in my opinion, there is no good reason to dismissively laugh at someone and continuously try to get under someone's skin.
But.
I will ask him again next time I see him and update!
FINAL THOUGHTS
Surfacing:
Worked well, but I feel I spent a lot of time and energy on this. Franky I was mentally exhausted.
Plus, it put me under other's people judgement as thin-skinned and overly sensitive.
Assertive:
I probably should have addressed this assertively 1-to-1.
However, I didn't feel like doing it after surfacing, it took too much effort just to surface it.
What if he keeps going:
That's the big ?
I guess I can :
- Remind him I don't like that tone.
- "Throw him under the bus"
- "Ignore".
Ostracize:
Lucio mentioned I might wanna drop this person out of my life.
Quote from Mathieu on December 6, 2021, 12:34 pmWorked well, but I feel I spent a lot of time and energy on this. Franky I was mentally exhausted.
Plus, it put me under other's people judgement as thin-skinned and overly sensitive.
That's a technique in itself (workplace section of PU).
It's to make it difficult for the game player so that he won't want to play that game ever again.
Of course, that also often means that you need to step behind your comfort zone.
But sometimes that's exactly what game players require of us: stepping outside of our comfort zone to enforce our boundaries.
You did it very well.
What you did after surfacing was frame imposing, and in this case, it was perfect.
Quote from Mathieu on December 6, 2021, 12:34 pmWorked well, but I feel I spent a lot of time and energy on this. Franky I was mentally exhausted.
Plus, it put me under other's people judgement as thin-skinned and overly sensitive.
Are you sure about that?
Because if you did it well, other people's judgment now is that Mathieu is a socially tough guy not to be fucked with.
It's common for "good people" to think that whenever they enforce their boundaries others will think less of them. But often the opposite is true.
Once he admitted, I dropped it.
Cause I didn't want to let him provide a "justification".
When he justifies, he's on the defensive.
You get the upper hand.
Him: You know why I am doing it?
You: Tell me
Him: I think your views are funny.
You: Funny?
Him: Your views are funny.
You: Tell me what's so funny about my views
Take a look at Tommy DeVito from GoodFellas:
Who looks powerful and who looks defensive?
Surfacing:
Worked well, but I feel I spent a lot of time and energy on this. Franky I was mentally exhausted.
Plus, it put me under other's people judgement as thin-skinned and overly sensitive.
There's a high chance that other people didn't appreciate his snarky laughter as well.
It's actually not that easy to deal with.
You are helping your friends (or people around you) remove bad behaviour.
With regards to coming across well, these 2 modules will help with the demeanour:
High Power Behaviour
Low Power Behaviour
