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Frame control: ignoring
Hello guys,
the other day one of the nurses used a common power move: talking about me to another person while they know I can hear them instead of talking directly to me.
Example:
Her (talking to another nurse): let John do it.
Me: ignoring her.
However, the other day she countered it with:
Her (still talking to the other nurse): he’s pretending not to hear.
Me: still ignoring
Her: John?
Me: yes?
So that was my attempt at telling her indirectly to adress me directly. In the end it worked as she finally adressed me.
How would you have addressed it when she went meta?
Would you have say assertively: “I hear you but I prefer when you adress me directly”?
I was a bit surprised this is why I did not say that.
The power game is then I have to ask to her: « what did you say? » and I’m not playing this game anymore.
Oh yeah, total power move -in the largest sense of the world: whether it's intentional or not, it says both says a lot about the power dynamics, and it will shape them-.
And frequent and specific enough that we could give it a name.
I would have done the following:
- When they mention you, turn your head slightly towards them to give them a change to address you directly: this makes sure you don't come across like you want to avoid them or, even worse, that you're trying to disappear (more below)
- Say "what's up": If they look at you or turn towards you as you look at them, you can say "what's up": this asserts your boundaries as if to say "if you talk about what John should do, talk to John"
When they said: "he's pretending not to hear", they admitted that they wanted you to jump in, but that for whatever reason they weren't addressing you directly.
The bad part is the "pretending" though.
The risk here is that someone might perceive that like you were trying to disappear, either for being shy, asocial, or not wanting to take care of something -all options you want to avoid-.
At that point, I would have indeed gone for the option you've already mentioned: "I hear you, but if you're talking about me, I prefer you address me directly".
How to do it yourself properly
Sometimes you might have to mention someone who's in earshot, but without addressing him.
To avoid that you come across as passive-aggressive and/or like you're pulling a power move, you want to turn towards the person you're talking to, and quickly glance towards me.
That sub-communicates something like: "yeah, I'm referring to you, and I'm not hiding it or trying to covertly aggress, I'm doing so openly, and if you want, you're welcome to jump in".
Thanks, definitely better than my own approach.
To be more accurate, in this very instance they were not talking about me doing something. It was another instance when a colleague was passing near me while saying : « we could give this patient to John ».
I don’t remember exactly what they were saying in this example. I think they were kind of pulling my leg. I used the example of the other colleague for this reason: not remembering.
For the concept, maybe something like:
Attention-seeking
Attention-grabbing
Passive-agressive inclusion
Passive attention-calling
Passive-aggressive request
Indirect attention request
Something around those lines. Something else that your solution is also not yet taking into account: it’s an interruption which is a low-grade form of tasking. By refusing to give them attention when they indirectly asking for it I would have thought it would be a way to re-establish a horizontal relationship.
What do you think?
Yes, it's a good idea.
Ignoring is a good work-horse as it rarely makes too big damages and it often provides a status-boosting counter-strategy.
In that case, it works best as you intend it if you're busy and focused.
Then, you ignoring them says "I've got higher priority to entertain your passive-aggressive nonsense". You look superior, they look low-power passive aggressive who didn't dare to address you directly.
On the other hand, if:
- it seems like you're idle or doing a low-intensity task,
- and if it's obvious that you heard well
- if they are assigning you tasks or
- if they are making fun of you in a derisive way
You risk coming across as low power for not replying.
It's also an option to reply with very low intensity and in a superior way to achieve the same goal as ignoring, such as:
Them: John... (something funny)
You: Yeah, very funny (in a tone that says "I'm not really that entertained", slight smile, then back to ignoring)
You can also add "yeah, very funny girls", with "girls" being the power move.
Nice, thanks for the complement and breaking things down further! In this case, I was focussed and they were making fun of me in a derisive way.
Ping-ponging on your answer, I think in this case I would have needed to use even a lower intensity due to me needing to make the peace. Using the same intentions, tone and body language as you proposed with: "not bad" implying it's actually neither funny nor good.
Thank you very much, these are all mindsets and attitudes I need to practice: to defend without offending to prevent later retaliation.
Yes, I like your option even more, as a matter of fact.
My reply and mindset was in "one-up VS one-up" mode.
But unless they were tasking you without the authority, or obviously one-upping, then it's far better to avoid the confrontational attitude whenever possible.
So a more honest smile and a more honest brief appreciation as you mention is a much better long-term option.
Yes, it's all a matter of context. In this particular case I think we agree. It's good to have a repertoire of different answers to be able to amp it up or tone it down. :)
to defend without offending to prevent later retaliation.
an art in itself!
Hello Lucio,
Robert Bolton ("People skills") recommend not to even look in their direction when ignoring whereas you advise to look and their direction and go back to what you were doing.
I'm confused...
What is the difference?
