Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on December 7, 2021, 4:41 am

Hey Tomas,

Welcome here.

Yes, you said it, you both crossed each other boundaries and neither of you took charge to address the issue assertively and respectfully.

Your father probably wasn't even interested in that as he might prefer "total power" while assertiveness entails caring about others as well.
And, on your side, it certainly wasn't an easy situation to navigate.

POWER DYNAMICS PERSPECTIVE

First off:

I'm making A LOT of assumptions here.
You know better.

But I think you're totally right this is deeply entrenched in power dynamics.

Your father seems to be very high in power.
And he likes having control over people -or, at least, people and things in what he considers "his" fiefdoms-.

Some personalities consider their wives, children, and anything household-related to be "under their total control".

So he cannot even fathom or accept that he has to listen to your preferences.
As a matter of fact, your preferences might be a threat to his power and control.

Also read more here on "padre-padrone" personality.

WHAT COULD YOU HAVE DONE

Staggering your requests and using PU formats would have helped.

For example:

Dad, I love you. And I respect you deeply.

(Say what you gotta say).

Do you think you can do that?
I'd really appreciate it a lot because as much as I love you, I also need to take care of the dog's health.

Staggering your requests instead meant that you would go more and more assertive each time something happened.

Until in the last one you'd say:

Dad, this is the 4th time I'm asking you.
When you ignore my requests I feel disrespected. And as much I love you, I don't like being disrespected. I guess we can see I'm your son there (crack it as a joke to lighten up the mood).
So now I'm asking you one more time, and after this I will have to either X, or Y (say two things you'll have to do, including you quitting the company).
OK?

If he does it again, hand in your resignation letter.
That might be the time he changes tack.
If he doesn't, you'll walk.

WHAT YOU CAN DO NOW

Feel free to propose some solutions and next steps and we can feedback you.

Quote from Matthew Whitewood on December 7, 2021, 4:54 am

Thank you for sharing such a challenging story.

In many ways, I relate

• My relationship with my father - ignores my personal concerns
• My relationship with my previous business partner - ignored some business concerns

I'm unsure how's your relationship with your father in general: business-wise and personally.
It could be challenging because you have both a business and personal relationship with him.

This conflict could be a good thing depending on how both of you navigate them.
It could open an avenue for both of you to talk about what matters personally to you.
For example,

• You gave up other options to work on his business.
  It's understandable that you want your father to respect you in general.
  This includes your personal preferences of how to treat your dog.
• Maybe he thinks that he's doing you a favour by giving you the opportunity for working on his business.
  Not saying it's right or wrong but it could be a possibility of how he views things.

I read the book Difficult Conversations as recommended by Lucio.
I'm applying some concepts there together with my experience in conflicts in relationships: work or personal.

Why He Ignored Your Comment? (Reflection of What Happened)

I'm taking a guess here. Never had a dog or worked with my father in business before.

From my observation, some elder people grew up with dogs, and they often fed dogs the leftovers.
Of course, the issue is as you mentioned.
Humans and dogs are different and have different nutritional needs.

It was unfair for him to laugh at what you brought up.
Furthermore, you brought the matter up 10 times which showed the personal importance of the matter.

What I could say to avoid this escalation would be to ask why

You (to father): I am very curious as to why you like to feed the dog in this manner.

Then, he would probably be comfortable with sharing.

An imaginary conversation that could take place:

Him: I don't see this as a big deal from my angle.
I feed my own dogs this way when I'm growing up.

You: I see what you mean, and thanks for sharing that.
My dog is a beagle, and it has special dietary requirements.
I also have a personal aim to keep my dog slim.
Would it be possible to not feed him?

How to Go from Here? (Future)

You can take the first step toward resolving the conflict.
(Let me know if this is what you want)

You can text or email him:

You: I would like to apologise for what happened earlier and would like to have an open, discussion with you on what happened.
What do you think about that?

During the discussion, you can show him that

• You care about the relationship by apologising - by doing the apology first, you show that the relationship is a priority
• Certain personal/work matters are important to you: How you raise your beagle
• What your father finds important to him (if any during that incident or in general):  he likes to feed the dog with his own food for example

Feel free to let me know if this helps or how it goes.

Quote from Matthew Whitewood on December 7, 2021, 5:26 am

Lucio and I coincidentally wrote a response at the same time.
So our points may overlap a bit.
I didn't get to see his response while I was writing mine due to the nature of how the forum refreshes.

Quote from Thomasso on December 7, 2021, 10:10 am

Hi guys, thanks for the replies.

Following on them...

You are right that my dad wants "total power". I suspect that he doesn't have much power in general (small business, small family, not too many friends) and he psychologically needs power. So he picks people closest to him and compensates the general lack. I see this happening with my sister - she's almost 40 yo, lives 200 km away and he still treats her like a child. Her personality is different than mine, so she lets him. But I see that it affects her a lot.

He is controlling us with emotions, money and so on. Typical: "I'm your dad and I did everything for you, so shut up and listen".

I could hand in the resignation letter, I wouldn't have trouble finding a similar job, maybe I would even have more money. But our relationship would be broken and the company would go to hell, because I am responsible for many many things in the company. I'm certain that without me, my dad couldn't handle things at this point. I don't want either of those things. I want to fix it.

I did exactly this:

My dog is a beagle, and it has special dietary requirements.
I also have a personal aim to keep my dog slim.
Would it be possible to not feed him?

Unfortunately that didn't do anything. I even showed him pictures of fat beagles that I googled.

I also did this:

You can text or email him:
You: I would like to apologise for what happened earlier and would like to have an open, discussion with you on what happened.
What do you think about that?

Right after he left and before I made this post.

I said something like this (rough translation, we don't communicate in English):

Hi,

I would like to drop a comment about our last discussion before you left the office. It was exaggerated from both sides and I think that we both said things that we now regret. I'm sorry for what I said. You know very well that I didn't mean it and it was out of emotions. I also believe that you are sorry for some things and you didn't mean them either.

I would like to stress again that this is not about a bit of sausage, but it's about principal. If I say something 10 times and you do the exact opposite, and laugh at my face doing that, I won't let it go. You know me well enough to know that. After all, I got this treat from you.

I would be glad if you also realized a few things, apologized to me and next time respected something that I repeatedly ask from you.

He didn't reply but that I expected because I know him. Honestly, if he doesn't come around after this, I have no idea what to do.

Quote from Thomasso on December 7, 2021, 11:03 am

An update, he replied:

Hi,

I'm glad that you didn't mean it. The conversation however really looked like if you were a psychopath. I certainly didn't intentionally overfeed the dog, but I think that a piece of a potato isn't a problem. During Christmas times, even the most principled people make exceptions. It's mostly important to handle emotions because an action creates a reaction. I think that even your girlfriend wouldn't appreciate such wild reactions and speeches. It would be a shame if, in a year, you would be alone with your dog because of your emotions. It's the end of the year and it would be great to think about stuff and don't deal with minor stuff, which other people could interpret differently. That certainly applies to everyone.

It's not an apology, but honestly this is a success...

This is what I replied now:

Ok, I believe that you know that my thing wasn't an action, but it was a reaction. Of course I respect you, on the other hand, I believe that after everything that we've been through, I deserve some respect as well. And if you repeatedly ignore what I say (and it's obviously important to me), you express many things by that, but certainly not that you respect me. This really isn't about a bit of food. It's about principal.

We really studied a lot how to raise a dog, and beagles are specific. They need quality and consistent food or they get fat. You can be sure that she can't eat better. Even the vet told me that she looks very healthy and I must be giving her good food. I think that I have a full right to want other people to respect my approach to this matter.  After all, it's my dog, I pay for her and I take care of her. Sure, during Christmas she can get something extra, but you did it repeatedly and middle of November isn't Christmas.

Try to imagine that you told someone something 10 times, something important to you, and they would ignore it. Would you feel good? Wouldn't you be angry? I think that you would do the same thing I did. I hope that we both realized some things thanks to this situation and from now on, we will communicate a bit differently than before.

What do you think about that? Thanks guys.

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on December 7, 2021, 2:41 pm

Frankly and in full honesty, I wouldn't consider that answer a success, Tomas.

The reply is full of power moves, including nasty ones, and he puts the blame squarely on you -and in a way that ranges from aggressive, to emotionally manipulative-.

Your reply instead is between good and very good.
The line "but you did it repeatedly" is likely going to trigger him and I'd have either avoided that line, or delivered it in person. But overall, solid answer.

Monitor the situation and let us know.
And if it's changed, hats off.

Also, what you wrote before as to why you prefer working with your father for longer is something that you might actually want to tell him as well.

Quote from Thomasso on December 7, 2021, 2:52 pm

It was a success from my perspective, knowing my dad. Obviously he could've done better, but that's just him. I am happy with my answer, it makes me the bigger man in this situation. I don't expect him to change, he will refuse to accept blame every time.

Can I do something to change this without getting into another fight? I cannot think of such scenario.

Actually I think that's it because he didn't reply to my last message and he came today to the office and we're talking like nothing happened basically.

So, not sure if I should do anything else or just let it go.

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on December 7, 2021, 3:05 pm

Yeah, letting go is a solid option.

I'd just make sure that:

1. No more crap food to the dog
2. Respectful communication is on
3. Personal boundaries are respected

And if all goes, then the crisis is in the past and it's all good.

And later on you may even make him a gift as a final "thank you and let's move forward" and as a reward for the positive changes (albeit of course you're not going to say it's a reward).

---

P.S.:

Quote from Thomasso on December 7, 2021, 2:52 pm

It was a success from my perspective, knowing my dad. Obviously he could've done better, but that's just him. I am happy with my answer, it makes me the bigger man in this situation. I don't expect him to change, he will refuse to accept blame every time.

Fair enough.

My answers are often my opinions, and generally based on:

1. power dynamics
2. what I'd say to someone I care about

And if a friend showed me that message I'd have to tell him "not cool". And probably I'd add they shouldn't accept that type of communication or relationship.
Most people don't want to hear that when we want to make a relationship work, but it's also my duty to say it if I feel that way.

That being said, if things improve, it's probably better for all that you took it the way you took it. And much respect for the antifragile ego you're showing, the love for your family, and your sense of duty.
I think your father is a lucky father.

Quote from Thomasso on December 7, 2021, 3:25 pm

Thank you for the answers, I wouldn't be able to handle the situation like I did without the course. :-)

I'll make sure that the 3 conditions above are met and I will move on.

It was nasty but I got what I wanted - no crap food for my dog.

Cheers!