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Analyzing a woman's games: shall I keep her or not? (Text Example)

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Hello Forum,

I would like to start this post with a caveat. I had Long Term Sexual Strategy in mind with someone - and I ended up having to Short Term it due to nasty games.

Context: This happened after the first sexual encounter/2nd date.

Here's the Link to the Text Example (plus annotations)

Eventually (at the text "Tbh I'm waiting for a guy to ask me out) the Frame Ignoring became a Showdown of who could grapple power over the other.

And if you've read TPU you know that during Showdowns: If you give me shit, I will escalate and give you shit back. (But change your tack and treat me nicely, and I'll be even nicer) Obviously the former had to take precedent after more than one Power Game.

At the end, the response was brave and graceful - however (and this is me censuring myself in order to better my communication), I should have deployed it earlier. Ideally at the

"Tbh I'm waiting for a guy to ask me out"

Hey Oli,

I haven't personally seen many nasty games there.

Some notes starting from the beginning:

2H APPOINTMENT = I'M FREE LATER

That first message to me was possibly an indirect way of saying "I'm not busy the whole day, hence, we can do something together".
It was an indirect way of saying "I'm free, do you want to mee?".
It a bit gamey, yes, since it starts by saying when she's busy rather than when she's free, but that's what I'd call "standard game", such as, it's what you can expect and within the range of "fair enough".

Your reply with emojis rather than text gives back little, which means that you're under-investing and she's over-investing.

MISS ME YET = INTRODUCING EMOTIONAL BOND

The "miss me yet" is similar, it's a bit gamey and I wouldn't have exactly liked it, but it was also a way of introducing emotional topics, a way of leading the two of you to admit that yes, you two are getting closer.

And she even comes out and admits it openly later, which actually gives her a lot of points in honesty and "vulnerable courage".

GOING OUT WITH A FRIEND = NOT GOOD, BUT PROBABLY AN INDIRECT WAY OF PRODDING YOU TO INVEST MORE

Yes, that line was not ideal.

But keep in mind she's a lady who has told you when she's free, who told you that she misses you... And she hasn't received much from you.

The rest of the text was not good, a covert power move, by saying that "they're just hanging out", it's like saying "you don't need to worry, just friends".

Here it was ok to ask "who are you going out with" as a form of test.

After you asked "who are you going out with", she even dropped the game, another good sign.
Compare to the game player example in PU, where the lady directly talked about her meeting someone for a date, refusing to share more information, and never pulling her intention to date someone off the table.

By the way, I had to search that convo to remind and compare, and just realized, thepowermoves.com owns the "triangulation game" google search :D:

MY APPOINTMENT GOT CANCELED = SO, ARE YOU INVITING ME OUT, OR WHAT?

Finally, she comes out of the closet and admits.

If you wanted to turn it into a long term relationship, why not going along with it?
She's asking you.

UPPING THE NON-SEXUAL INVESTMENT = FAIR GAME

That's fair game to expect from a woman who wants both sexual involvement and a relationship.

Didn't necessarily need to be cut out in my opinion, just refuse the investment, or just say:

The grocery a bit difficult, but if you get some nice food I'll get a wine and I'll invite you for a nice dinner this evening ๐Ÿ™‚

ARE WE STILL WATCHING THE MOVIE = DO YOU STILL WANT ME?

By that point, she was wondering "does he even still like me / want me at all?".

SUMMARY

Yes, she did play some games,

But I saw no overly nasty games there, just a woman who liked you and was investing, initially in slightly covert ways, and then even more directly.

Those little games were small kinks that did not suggest to me she was a major game player -not judging by the texts at least-, and it's all smaller stuff that could have been ironed out during the (sexual) relationship.

It's also normal that a woman might seek to expand the sexual relationship into something more, and to me that's usually a good sign: women who want you only for sex are rare, and it might mean something is off (why would a woman who likes you only want you for sex and not more?).

By not doing much outside of meeting and having sex, you would have communicated you were not up for a relationship, and could have also done that with direct talk.

It's possible this was ended too prematurely.

Tina and badbitch have reacted to this post.
Tinabadbitch
Have you read the forum guidelines for effective communication already?

Let me say first that this is only my personal opinion and feedback and in no way I mean to attack or chastise Oli. But neither do I see any wrongdoing from the woman's texts, and I felt that Oli was overly brusque with his breakup text.

badbitch has reacted to this post.
badbitch

Well, shit. Looks like I have still got a long way to go.

I am willing to send her a text to smooth over the situation (as I still have her number) If it's what I should do.

I think this time I can send you the text I'm thinking of making and could you refine it? Because I don't want to cause more damage by purveying the wrong context.

Also I appreciate the honesty in both Lucio's and Tina's posts. It was brutal to me and my ego, however only for a few minutes. And plus, it will be better for the people I hang around if I learn to read social the situations better (which is what your posts and work are doing :)).

~

Here's my text: Hi (name), it's possible I ended things prematurely between you and I.

You see, I looked back over your texts you sent me and I realised I misread the meanings behind them.

As a young guy I am still trying to learn how the world works. If you want to see me again or don't want to see me again that's up to you.

However I do want to say to you that it's my fault I read your messages wrong and interpreted them way differently than the way you sent them (which was a nice way).

Quote from Oli on January 22, 2021, 12:37 am

It was brutal to me and my ego, however only for a few minutes. And plus, it will be better for the people I hang around if I learn to read social the situations better (which is what your posts and work are doing :)).

Way to go, Oli :).

About your text:

Hi (name), it's possible I ended things prematurely between you and I.

You see, I looked back over your texts you sent me and I realised I misread the meanings behind them.

As a young guy I am still trying to learn how the world works. If you want to see me again or don't want to see me again that's up to you.

However I do want to say to you that it's my fault I read your messages wrong and interpreted them way differently than the way you sent them (which was a nice way).

It might give too much power away.

I think one option is to call or text and provide a cover story, like:

  • I was drunk
  • I was still hurting about my ex
  • We made a dare with friends that we would pass each other's phone to write whatever we pleased and well, I lost. Let me make it up to you

This website's line is to tell the truth any time you can.
In this case, a lie might be the quickest way out for you, as well as help her save face. As the option that might allow for the most effective win-win, I think that makes it fair.

If you want to go the honest way, then I'd just say that I felt angry at the "I'm seeing this other guy" move as you felt that was unneededly gamey.
The downside of that is that it might send the message that you do want something serious (some women play that game to be asked for loyalty, which is a step towards commitment).
But you can still correctly manage expectations later on.

Oli has reacted to this post.
Oli
Have you read the forum guidelines for effective communication already?

Cheers Lucio. I'll send the story now.

Edit- Sent.

Yeah, and also: calling her right after can be a good idea.

Even if she doesn't reply, it shows you're serious about it and are happy to talk about it.

A text alone will get her head spinning and thinking, and will keep it stuck at texting level -not good with all those misunderstandings-.
A text plus a missed call says "he had the balls to follow up with a voice talk".

Have you read the forum guidelines for effective communication already?

Update- relationship smoothed over, we had a talk and ironed things out. I've written down your advice here Lucio - could we either remove this thread or change it's title? Because I feel it's a misleading title now.

Lucio Buffalmano has reacted to this post.
Lucio Buffalmano
Quote from Oli on January 24, 2021, 8:42 am

Update- relationship smoothed over

Rock on, Oli!

How did that go?
It must have not been an easy talk to pull off, I wouldn't have given it more than 50% chances of succeeding after that text, so well done.

Have you read the forum guidelines for effective communication already?

Ah Lucio, it would have been 0% without your help! ๐Ÿ˜‰

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Lucio Buffalmano
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