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Relatives use humor to one-up and nag.

#1 · June 27, 2023, 12:44 pm

Quote from Power Duck on June 27, 2023, 12:44 pm
Hello guys, I've stumbled with quite a problem.
As the post title reflects, some of my relatives (precisely my father and my uncle) make one-upping "jokes" on me, this goes from nagging to repeating something I said in the past.
-Power duck's father: I have to clean the dishes, go shopping and clean the car. Unlike others who have a good life and don't do anything (says while smiling). Then he taps me with the palm of his hand on the nape of my neck.
That statement isn't true at all, I'm currently studying to pass the subjects I failed. Secondly, him doing those things was his choice, if he wanted me to contribute in the house he should tell me directly, instead of surfacing my social debt as well as his social credit in a covert way.
or
Power duck: I can't concentrate with the heat.
-Power duck's father: But if there isn't any, what are you talking about, didn't you say that the heat here wasn't that bad?
I'm currently in my hometown. The days before going here, my parents told me that the temperatures here were really high. However when I arrived it wasn't that bad, I told my father that maybe they were exagerating a bit. Now the temperature has risen and he makes sure to remind me that everyday.
Both power moves aren't so annoying per se, we've had this dynamic for years, he one ups me, I one-up him back. However since I'm starting to accomplish the goals I set for myself and my power awareness is increasing, I'm starting to hold myself to higher standards.
Now I don't appreciate one-upping jokes at all, specially the ones I feel are the more nasty.
However the biggest pain in the ass is my uncle, I'm glad I usually come up with good responses, but I don't like this dynamic:
I'm helping him to carry a big box, he is aware that I go to the gym, so he decides to make fun of me by lifting the box in such a way that I have to lift most of the weight while making sure that It doesn't fall to the side.
Power duck's uncle: What's wrong? (With surprised face) What are you doing?, all that gym and muscle and now you aren't able to carry that box?
This was really really nasty, after that, it looked like something clicked in the head of everyone and both my parents, cousin and uncle started to one up me, saying things like: "You cannot lift that box, really?"
My mother even said, after some one ups:
"Power duck's uncle, stop messing with my booy"
I made sure to one-up him a bunch of times to even up the score, I know this is not the ideal strat. but I couldn't come up with anything else.
I know that being honest is the most obvious solution, however the whole family shares the frame that those are just "harmless jokes", plus it's a family dynamic that was stablished a long time ago.
So my question here is, in a case like this in which I'm way younger (still financially dependent) and inexperienced than other family members. How can I reempower myself without creating a me vs the whole family dynamic?
Thanks in advance.
Cheers.
P.S:
To be honest I "feel" like I'm exagerating, like those jokes aren't that bad at all. But deep down I know that I don't want and I don't deserve to be treated like that, even if those are "meaningless jokes", I didn't improve and change myself (and keep improving and changing) to now recieve those comments.

Hello guys, I've stumbled with quite a problem.

As the post title reflects, some of my relatives (precisely my father and my uncle) make one-upping "jokes" on me, this goes from nagging to repeating something I said in the past.

-Power duck's father: I have to clean the dishes, go shopping and clean the car. Unlike others who have a good life and don't do anything (says while smiling). Then he taps me with the palm of his hand on the nape of my neck.
That statement isn't true at all, I'm currently studying to pass the subjects I failed. Secondly, him doing those things was his choice, if he wanted me to contribute in the house he should tell me directly, instead of surfacing my social debt as well as his social credit in a covert way.
or
Power duck: I can't concentrate with the heat.
-Power duck's father: But if there isn't any, what are you talking about, didn't you say that the heat here wasn't that bad?
I'm currently in my hometown. The days before going here, my parents told me that the temperatures here were really high. However when I arrived it wasn't that bad, I told my father that maybe they were exagerating a bit. Now the temperature has risen and he makes sure to remind me that everyday.

Both power moves aren't so annoying per se, we've had this dynamic for years, he one ups me, I one-up him back. However since I'm starting to accomplish the goals I set for myself and my power awareness is increasing, I'm starting to hold myself to higher standards.

Now I don't appreciate one-upping jokes at all, specially the ones I feel are the more nasty.

However the biggest pain in the ass is my uncle, I'm glad I usually come up with good responses, but I don't like this dynamic:

I'm helping him to carry a big box, he is aware that I go to the gym, so he decides to make fun of me by lifting the box in such a way that I have to lift most of the weight while making sure that It doesn't fall to the side.
Power duck's uncle: What's wrong? (With surprised face) What are you doing?, all that gym and muscle and now you aren't able to carry that box?
This was really really nasty, after that, it looked like something clicked in the head of everyone and both my parents, cousin and uncle started to one up me, saying things like: "You cannot lift that box, really?"
My mother even said, after some one ups:
"Power duck's uncle, stop messing with my booy"
I made sure to one-up him a bunch of times to even up the score, I know this is not the ideal strat. but I couldn't come up with anything else.

I know that being honest is the most obvious solution, however the whole family shares the frame that those are just "harmless jokes", plus it's a family dynamic that was stablished a long time ago.

So my question here is, in a case like this in which I'm way younger (still financially dependent) and inexperienced than other family members. How can I reempower myself without creating a me vs the whole family dynamic?

Thanks in advance.

Cheers.

P.S:

To be honest I "feel" like I'm exagerating, like those jokes aren't that bad at all. But deep down I know that I don't want and I don't deserve to be treated like that, even if those are "meaningless jokes", I didn't improve and change myself (and keep improving and changing) to now recieve those comments.

#2 · June 27, 2023, 5:00 pm

In case my question was a bit too broad. I'll reformulate it: how would've you responded to those power moves?

#3 · June 27, 2023, 5:02 pm

How would you handle it, Power duck?

What do you think could be good solutions.

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#4 · June 27, 2023, 10:57 pm

Quote from Power Duck on June 27, 2023, 10:57 pm
.
I think that a good response for the first one:
-Power duck's father: I have to clean the dishes, go shopping and clean the car. Unlike others who have a good life and don't do anything (says while smiling).
Could've been:
-If you need my help you can say it directly dad.
I think that this shames him a bit and frames him as sneaky and needing help.

For this:
Power duck: I can't concentrate with the heat.
-Power duck's father: But if there isn't any, what are you talking about, didn't you say that the heat here wasn't that bad?
Maybe this response would've been appropriate:
-Indeed, It was bearable a week ago. By the way why do you tell me the same thing everyday? The joke is getting a bit old you know.

For my uncle I should've been more witty and fast on my feet, I knew something was off as soon as I noticed that the box was hard to carry, I knew he was up to something. Said in another way, I saw the frame enveloping myself yet I didn't take action.
Power duck's uncle: What's wrong? (With surprised face) What are you doing?, all that gym and muscle and now you aren't able to carry that box?
This response would've been enough:
-Wait, let it on the floor. I know you are joking but could you stop? You could injure a cat if the box fell to the ground.
I shame him.
Or maybe
-Wait, you aren't doing this on purpose so you can make it look like I'm going to the gym and not getting strong right?
I saw this technique in one of TPM youtube videos, it was about a guy that was buying some lottery coupons and was interviewed by a reporter. I can't remember the name of the technique though, but I do remember something about frame enveloping, as I mentioned earlier.

-Power duck's mother: "Power duck's uncle, stop messing with my booy"
For this I don't know what to say to be honest, I would tell her to stop babying me when we got home. However after I started noticing that some relatives/people one upped me I told my mother about it, now she thinks I'm exaggerated and thin skinned :).
Because of that I would've answerdd with something like:
-Thanks mom. But I can handle this, there's no need to help.
That's how I would've handled it. Any thoughts ?
Cheers.

I think that a good response for the first one:

-Power duck's father: I have to clean the dishes, go shopping and clean the car. Unlike others who have a good life and don't do anything (says while smiling).

Could've been:

-If you need my help you can say it directly dad.

I think that this shames him a bit and frames him as sneaky and needing help.

For this:

Power duck: I can't concentrate with the heat.
-Power duck's father: But if there isn't any, what are you talking about, didn't you say that the heat here wasn't that bad?

Maybe this response would've been appropriate:

-Indeed, It was bearable a week ago. By the way why do you tell me the same thing everyday? The joke is getting a bit old you know.

For my uncle I should've been more witty and fast on my feet, I knew something was off as soon as I noticed that the box was hard to carry, I knew he was up to something. Said in another way, I saw the frame enveloping myself yet I didn't take action.

Power duck's uncle: What's wrong? (With surprised face) What are you doing?, all that gym and muscle and now you aren't able to carry that box?

This response would've been enough:

-Wait, let it on the floor. I know you are joking but could you stop? You could injure a cat if the box fell to the ground.

I shame him.

Or maybe

-Wait, you aren't doing this on purpose so you can make it look like I'm going to the gym and not getting strong right?

I saw this technique in one of TPM youtube videos, it was about a guy that was buying some lottery coupons and was interviewed by a reporter. I can't remember the name of the technique though, but I do remember something about frame enveloping, as I mentioned earlier.

-Power duck's mother: "Power duck's uncle, stop messing with my booy"

For this I don't know what to say to be honest, I would tell her to stop babying me when we got home. However after I started noticing that some relatives/people one upped me I told my mother about it, now she thinks I'm exaggerated and thin skinned :).

Because of that I would've answerdd with something like:

-Thanks mom. But I can handle this, there's no need to help.

That's how I would've handled it. Any thoughts ?

Cheers.

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#5 · June 27, 2023, 11:01 pm

P.S:

Next time I'll try to come with some solutions on my own. I reframed the question because I realized it was too broad but I forgot to add some homemade responses.

#6 · June 27, 2023, 11:30 pm

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on June 27, 2023, 11:30 pm
Quote from Power duck on June 27, 2023, 10:57 pm
Could've been:
-If you need my help you can say it directly dad.
I think that this shames him a bit and frames him as sneaky and needing help.
Nice!
Very high power, the straight-shooter way.
Maybe even better:
Dad, if you need my help, I prefer you to ask directly
Frankly, the only doubt I have about this is that a father may be either uber-proud of a son out-manning him, or... He may not be able to accept it.
Quote from Power duck on June 27, 2023, 10:57 pm
Power duck: I can't concentrate with the heat.
-Power duck's father: But if there isn't any, what are you talking about, didn't you say that the heat here wasn't that bad?
Maybe this response would've been appropriate:
-Indeed, It was bearable a week ago. By the way why do you tell me the same thing everyday? The joke is getting a bit old you know.
Personally I didn't see much issue with your father's reply here.
I do see a risk though: that you may have been coming across as too "princess-like" or complaining?
Always: you know better.
But if we were talking I'd definitely ask you more question to make sure you didn't call that one on yourself.
Quote from Power duck on June 27, 2023, 10:57 pm
Power duck's uncle: What's wrong? (With surprised face) What are you doing?, all that gym and muscle and now you aren't able to carry that box?
This response would've been enough:
-Wait, let it on the floor. I know you are joking but could you stop? You could injure a cat if the box fell to the ground.
I shame him.
Or maybe
-Wait, you aren't doing this on purpose so you can make it look like I'm going to the gym and not getting strong right?
This one seems a "typical" one-up among men.
Some older men use it to push down on the younger folks to remind them who's higher status.
Up to you whether to "let them" or push back -or to demand a more neutral tone, like in your first own reply-.
But a serious option could be:
You: ungle, I'm here trying to help and I'm happy to. But if you gotta do the whole "teasing thing", then just let me know because I'm not up for it and I can drop the box here and you do it. Up to you
However, keep in mind you can also simply play that game and see if you can ejoy it.
Some guys do (I personally don't, but if one does enjoy it, nothing wrong with it as long as he makes sure he's not losing it too often).
So maybe try to simply play the same game back.
Since I don't enjoy it, I'm not a huge expert, but for example something like: "yeah, come to touch this big muscle here and try not to get jealous".
Don't point at your bicep or anything though, the "joke" is that you may be riferring to a dick-size competition type of thing and that you're "bigger" than him.
It's a good one up because no guy likes to be reminded by "junior" that he may now be "bigger" than him.
Family Guy, with McFarlan a greart observer of practical psychology, has a great skit on this:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P8VKsJXyxIA

Quote from Power duck on June 27, 2023, 10:57 pm
-Power duck's mother: "Power duck's uncle, stop messing with my booy"
For this I don't know what to say to be honest, I would tell her to stop babying me when we got home. However after I started noticing that some relatives/people one upped me I told my mother about it, now she thinks I'm exaggerated and thin skinned :).
Because of that I would've answerdd with something like:
-Thanks mom. But I can handle this, there's no need to help.
That's how I would've handled it. Any thoughts ?
Cheers.
Yeah, that one's VERY tough.
Would be curious what others may say actually.
It's tough because if you just reply or touch it in any way, you risk making it bigger and it's a frame you TOTALLY want to avoid making bigger.
Of course, ideally, you do the work before starting from, you got, NEVER going to your mom to complain about what others do to you.
(If I were ever bullied as a kid, I'd have rather died trying before I went to my parents for solutions. Only once that I was stumped on how to get my bycicle back I faked going to my father and it worked, but I'd never gone. Same if you're past kid age, but applies even more of course, unless you're doing for some strategic reasons).

Quote from Power duck on June 27, 2023, 10:57 pm
Could've been:
-If you need my help you can say it directly dad.
I think that this shames him a bit and frames him as sneaky and needing help.

Nice!

Very high power, the straight-shooter way.

Maybe even better:

Dad, if you need my help, I prefer you to ask directly

Frankly, the only doubt I have about this is that a father may be either uber-proud of a son out-manning him, or... He may not be able to accept it.

Quote from Power duck on June 27, 2023, 10:57 pm
Power duck: I can't concentrate with the heat.
-Power duck's father: But if there isn't any, what are you talking about, didn't you say that the heat here wasn't that bad?
Maybe this response would've been appropriate:
-Indeed, It was bearable a week ago. By the way why do you tell me the same thing everyday? The joke is getting a bit old you know.

Personally I didn't see much issue with your father's reply here.

I do see a risk though: that you may have been coming across as too "princess-like" or complaining?

Always: you know better.
But if we were talking I'd definitely ask you more question to make sure you didn't call that one on yourself.

Quote from Power duck on June 27, 2023, 10:57 pm
Power duck's uncle: What's wrong? (With surprised face) What are you doing?, all that gym and muscle and now you aren't able to carry that box?
This response would've been enough:
-Wait, let it on the floor. I know you are joking but could you stop? You could injure a cat if the box fell to the ground.
I shame him.
Or maybe
-Wait, you aren't doing this on purpose so you can make it look like I'm going to the gym and not getting strong right?

This one seems a "typical" one-up among men.

Some older men use it to push down on the younger folks to remind them who's higher status.

Up to you whether to "let them" or push back -or to demand a more neutral tone, like in your first own reply-.

But a serious option could be:

You: ungle, I'm here trying to help and I'm happy to. But if you gotta do the whole "teasing thing", then just let me know because I'm not up for it and I can drop the box here and you do it. Up to you

However, keep in mind you can also simply play that game and see if you can ejoy it.

Some guys do (I personally don't, but if one does enjoy it, nothing wrong with it as long as he makes sure he's not losing it too often).

So maybe try to simply play the same game back.
Since I don't enjoy it, I'm not a huge expert, but for example something like: "yeah, come to touch this big muscle here and try not to get jealous".
Don't point at your bicep or anything though, the "joke" is that you may be riferring to a dick-size competition type of thing and that you're "bigger" than him.
It's a good one up because no guy likes to be reminded by "junior" that he may now be "bigger" than him.

Family Guy, with McFarlan a greart observer of practical psychology, has a great skit on this:

Quote from Power duck on June 27, 2023, 10:57 pm
-Power duck's mother: "Power duck's uncle, stop messing with my booy"
For this I don't know what to say to be honest, I would tell her to stop babying me when we got home. However after I started noticing that some relatives/people one upped me I told my mother about it, now she thinks I'm exaggerated and thin skinned :).
Because of that I would've answerdd with something like:
-Thanks mom. But I can handle this, there's no need to help.
That's how I would've handled it. Any thoughts ?
Cheers.

Yeah, that one's VERY tough.

Would be curious what others may say actually.

It's tough because if you just reply or touch it in any way, you risk making it bigger and it's a frame you TOTALLY want to avoid making bigger.

Of course, ideally, you do the work before starting from, you got, NEVER going to your mom to complain about what others do to you.
(If I were ever bullied as a kid, I'd have rather died trying before I went to my parents for solutions. Only once that I was stumped on how to get my bycicle back I faked going to my father and it worked, but I'd never gone. Same if you're past kid age, but applies even more of course, unless you're doing for some strategic reasons).

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#7 · June 28, 2023, 12:17 am

Sorry I haven't had time to read Lucio's post properly so this is just top of head.

This is family you will have to live with any 2 strong reactions for a long time. So one thing I would say is proceed cautiously and add a lot of warmth and the same joking around vibe.

Ever look at the Dead diners scene in eternal Sunshine of the spotless mind movie. If you live together you have to talk to each other. A lot of this might be just them having something to say.

When I went through the red pill I had the usual over reaction until I came back to the middle. At least that experience saved me same mistake with PU although I still do but rarely get it badly wrong.

Couple of options on the mom one.

If you are much physically bigger than your mother and close to her pull her gently into a half hug. Say in an exaggerated manner Aww that's my mom

Make a bicep and turn your head to look at it a bit of a joke on yourself and say mum your little man is a bit big these days. But he ll always love his mom.

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#8 · June 28, 2023, 12:59 am

Thanks to both of you :)

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on June 27, 2023, 11:30 pm
I do see a risk though: that you may have been coming across as too "princess-like" or complaining?
Always: you know better.
But if we were talking I'd definitely ask you more question to make sure you didn't call that one on yourself.

Yeah, it could be. I didn't exactly say It how I wrote it, but I remember telling my mother that I hadn't t studied as much as I would've wanted to because I couldn't concentrate with the heat while my father was present (after she asked me how the morning went). It could be said that I called that one on myself, yeah.

Quote from Transitioned on June 28, 2023, 12:17 am
So one thing I would say is proceed cautiously and add a lot of warmth and the same joking around vibe.

Yeah, lately I've noticed that even though my answers to their power moves could've been good, I broke a bit of rapport. Maybe surfacing some power moves in a joking tone could do the trick sometimes.

Quote from Transitioned on June 28, 2023, 12:17 am
Make a bicep and turn your head to look at it a bit of a joke on yourself and say mum your little man is a bit big these days. But he ll always love his mom.

I think it's a good idea, though I feel it's a bit high effort and could come across as bragging. Personally I would remove the biceps part, but I feel this is simply a matter of personal preference.

Again, thanks for that Lucio and Transitioned :) . I think your advice is on point.

Cheers.

#9 · June 28, 2023, 10:18 am

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on June 27, 2023, 11:30 pm
Quote from Power duck on June 27, 2023, 10:57 pm
-Power duck's mother: "Power duck's uncle, stop messing with my booy"
For this I don't know what to say to be honest, I would tell her to stop babying me when we got home. However after I started noticing that some relatives/people one upped me I told my mother about it, now she thinks I'm exaggerated and thin skinned :).
Because of that I would've answerdd with something like:
-Thanks mom. But I can handle this, there's no need to help.
That's how I would've handled it. Any thoughts ?
Cheers.
Yeah, that one's VERY tough.
Would be curious what others may say actually.

How about:

Mother: "Uncle, stop messing with my boy"
You: There are so many things wrong with this family dynamic, I don't even know where to start... :)

Take that uber-all judge frame on the family!

Plus, when you say "family", you have a cover against specific people getting upset:

Uncle: Hey that's not kind to your mother!
You: Who spoke about my mother?
Uncle: What, are you trying to say I'm dysfunctional?
You: I was speaking in general and didn't make your name uncle. Why are you getting upset?

#10 · June 28, 2023, 12:06 pm

Just to self-clarify: I don't think my own answer is much effective and I wrote it mainly in jest.

There is a concept I'm thinking about "not going against the group as a whole", as it is a kind of "self-ostracization move".

It may be better to address power moves withing the frame that one still is part, and acknowledges, the group (in this case, the family).

This may be an important thing I was missing so far, and am starting to see now.

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