Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on January 30, 2021, 1:59 am

I think this is a power move that many of us can also use in our life.

Everytime someone makes a derisive comment of your profession, hobby, or field of interest/expertise, you can use the same words:

You: You say that because you're not an X, and never was, and you don't understand... (the passion, the love, the ethics, the values, or whatever it is they don't understand. The "higher" you can make it sound, the bigger the power move)

And that frames the attacker as clueless and frames you as the expert.
If you use "higher ideals" as the thing they don't understand, it also makes you come across as "superior" and "deeper", which only magnifies your win.

Quote from Matthew Whitewood on January 30, 2021, 2:26 am

This absolutely comes in handy. Thanks Lucio.

In my encounters, it seems to be the people who have little clue about a topic to pull these derisive comments.

I remember someone made a comment to me last year like

Him: Maybe this is all a pretense. You don't actually know anything about the topic.

I could not recall what I said during that time.
But I was a bit stunned because it came out of nowhere.

I could have used this:

Myself: You say that because you've not studied the topic in detail.
I understand that it can challenging to appreciate the details from a layman's perspective.

Then move on from there.

Quote from Matthew Whitewood on January 31, 2021, 5:01 am

I was thinking about using this power move in this situation yesterday after the incident happened.
I believe that I did not manage it that well.

One of my exchanges over video conferencing with a partner (not the same as in previous threads) yesterday went something like this

Me: I'm thinking of ways to increase the traffic and retention on the website.
I suggest that this feature could provide useful information and build a community.

Him: Obviously, we need to increase the traffic on our website.

Me: Let's brainstorm some ideas. I was thinking yesterday about letting the users have a basic profile online.
That would help them feel engaged and have a presence on the website.

Him: Obviously, this is something that we need to think about.

Me: If you have some ideas, you can share them.

Other Partner: I don't have any ideas personally. Maybe we can reconvene on another day.

The conversation died on this topic.

I personally have more experience in this topic compared to them.
So I was thinking about using this power move but tuned in a more collaborative manner for the team.

Me: I'm thinking of ways to increase the traffic and retention on the website.
I suggest that this feature could provide useful information and build a community.

Him: Obviously, we need to increase the traffic on our website.

Me: It may seem obvious on the surface.
From my experience, there are many approaches towards attracting more viewers to a website.
I understand that it could be challenging to appreciate this when we are doing this for the first time.

There are a few approaches that we can focus on.
One of them is ...
I would like to know your thoughts.

This would reassert my authority on the subject.
At the same time, let my teammates know about the nuances and challenges associated with the subject.
And also draw attention to how it benefits the team as a whole.

In the Larger Context (Maybe Carry On This Discussion To Another Thread)

This person is usually not condescending so I was a bit caught off-guard when he made the "obviously" remark.
He usually welcomes ideas on board during our meetings.

It could be the case where people don't know much about an area.
They underestimate the challenges associated with moving things forward on a matter in this area.

My intuition is that he may have more linear thinking with regards to marketing, online presence, etc.
I have to talk to him to understand his thoughts better as well.
He may think

• Put out more content and build more features on the website
• More visitors come to the website
• Rinse and repeat

At the same time, I should not let people put down my ideas in the team even if it's a bad idea.
It is bad for my perception and also sets a bad precedent for the team.
People would be less willing to share ideas because they are afraid of sharing "obvious" or "bad" ideas.

In this case, this rebalancing power move could both reassert my authority, let them know about the challenges, frame what's in it for the team and set the precedent of not putting down ideas that are seemingly "obvious".

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on January 31, 2021, 2:12 pm

Well played, Matthew.

That "obviously" was indeed value-taking, and you I think you moved very well to defend your power/status, without escalating and without aggressing back.
That's proper advanced social skills.

If you wanted to make just a tad stronger, you could have said:

You: It may sound obvious on the surface, but the real question is what IMPACT it will have, and I think it's a major piece of the puzzle, and HOW to get there, and based on previous experience...

You reframe it from a statement that, frankly, might have seemed obvious, into one that includes:

1. Priorities
2. How to achieve it

But that extends on business planning and entrepreneurship, and purely from a power dynamics perspective, you did great.

Quote from John Freeman on January 31, 2021, 3:27 pm

Quote from Matthew Whitewood on January 30, 2021, 2:26 am

Him: Maybe this is all a pretense. You don't actually know anything about the topic.

Or you could have said:

Matthew (smiling/smirking): "Maybe!"

Using body language (low effort), saying: "you're the know-it-all or at least you don't know what I know". Calling his bluff out.

Otherwise, party-pooper number 2: I don't agree with both of your stances.

Because here, the goal is problem solving. I don't think you will like it, Matthew, but I actually agree with your colleague. I interpret what he said as: "how are you going to achieve it?"

In my field, if you would have expressed yourself like that regarding a treatment, a patient, surgery or whatever, people would have not taken you seriously. Because to me, the following statement:

Quote from Matthew Whitewood on January 31, 2021, 5:01 am

Me: I'm thinking of ways to increase the traffic and retention on the website.
I suggest that this feature could provide useful information and build a community.

Is quite vague, there is no value proposition. On what you said, nobody can implement an action. I think that's the critic of your colleague. In this case I might have defended like you so that you know where I stand: I'm not sure I would have done better. However, it would have been a mistake I think. What you propose here:

I have to talk to him to understand his thoughts better as well.

Is the smartest, assertive, leader-like, value-adding stance I believe.

At the same time, I should not let people put down my ideas in the team even if it's a bad idea.

Fixed-mindset red flag. Do and believe what moves you towards your goal. What is your goal? If it's to be right: you won! Otherwise maybe not....

Quote from Matthew Whitewood on January 31, 2021, 5:01 am

Me: I'm thinking of ways to increase the traffic and retention on the website.
I suggest that this feature could provide useful information and build a community.

Him: Obviously, we need to increase the traffic on our website.

Me: Yes, that's what I just said. But what do you mean by "obviously"?

You tried to paint yourself as an expert (even if you are, you maneuvered to show it) on the topic and he attacked you on that power move. So basically he said: "Hey man, don't play this game with me". You dug your own grave. I think the first mistake was a mindset mistake: if you approached it really collaboratively, you would have asked his opinion.

Don't make this leadership mistake: "I'm the leader, I'm the only one who can and/or who's allowed to have good ideas". This is leadership cemetary. Welcome inputs! Be an inclusive leader!

And I think you will gain by integrating further the learner mindset. By thinking "I know more than him", you're already going down fixed-mindset lane. Remember: the learner loses temporarily status to exchange it for knowledge/info/skills. It's a valuable trade!

I hope this helps!

Cheers!

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on January 31, 2021, 3:50 pm

Hard-hitting, golden message from John.

I focused 95% on the power dynamics, while John focused more on the even more important mindset and values aspects.

Frame control and proper application of power dynamics principles can increase your power, but it's the values, mindsets, and expertise beneath it that allow those power dynamics to add value, rather than "get the power' without doing much good with it (and obviously, not saying this is the case of Matthew, who is an awesome guy, but in this specific case, it might have indeed been a case of escalating up the wrong path for power's sake only).

THE ONE CAVEAT ON DEFENDING IDEAS

The only caveat I'd add to John's message and that I partially agree with Matthew is on the "not letting others put down your idea".

They can put your idea... As long as they do it respectfully.
And if they do it disrespectfully, then you should intervene on the tone of the put-down.

Somewhat similar to the dynamics of relationship control: you don't necessarily want to attack a partner telling you what you can do better, or where you're lacking, but you do want to address the way they do it. If it's rude, or stepping your boundaries, or framing you as being bad, rather than the idea, then you should intervene.

So if he had said that "obviously" with a facial expression as if to say "how dumb", then you addressing it was the right move.
Otherwise, see John's answer.

Quote from John Freeman on January 31, 2021, 4:03 pm

Frame control and proper application of power dynamics principles can increase your power, but it's the values, mindsets, and expertise beneath it that allow those power dynamics to add value, rather than "get the power' without doing much good with it (and obviously, not saying this is the case of Matthew, who is an awesome guy, but in this specific case, it might have indeed been a case of escalating up the wrong path for power's sake only).

Yes, that's my point. Power on TOP of all the rest. Then you're untouchable. You don't have to be the most high-status most powerful man in the room NOW! But learn, learn, learn and learn and you will be. You won't have to do anything. Long game vs short game. Play the Long game.

They can put your idea... As long as they do it respectfully.
And if they do it disrespectfully, then you should intervene on the tone of the put-down.

Matthew, I think if you have the attitude Lucio is describing above, you'll be more respected in your job: "I might be wrong but I expect respect".

Be tough on ideas, kind on people.

So if he had said that "obviously" with a facial expression as if to say "how dumb", then you addressing it was the right move.

Agreed with this by taking into account all the comments you guys said about the context. Not letting oneself be disrespected first, then addressing the content.

Quote from Matthew Whitewood on January 31, 2021, 4:29 pm

I always appreciate an alternative perspective on a situation.
And I certainly could have given a more detailed context.

We were in the brainstorming phase.
No one touched upon this point or had a concrete idea of how to move this forward.
So I proposed what I have been thinking over the past few days.
The context was analogous to opening up a new thread on this forum for discussion rather than coming up with a concrete solution now & then.
It is a new project so there are many elements to think through, which increasing traffic is one of them.

I found the reply and tone not helpful towards my suggestion on opening up a conversation to a new topic.
Which was why I asserted the brainstorming frame.
This would allow others to come in and open up the discussion on this topic.
That was how I approached welcoming inputs from others while addressing the reply and tone.

If increasing traffic was a clear area of responsibility for me, then I would admit that it was not well thought out.
And I should bring something more substantial to the team.

Quote from John Freeman on January 31, 2021, 4:34 pm

What was the exact goal of the meeting? Was it defined beforehand? If yes, was everyone aware of it?