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"You're bringing the bad situations in" power move
Hello,
at the hospital, we had an emergent situation with a child. We dealt with it.
At the end of the day, one nurse tells me publicly:
Her: "When you're here there are always bad situations (at the hospital)"
There's this belief/superstition (true or false) at the hospital that some people "attract difficult cases/very sick children".
So she's implying that I'm bringing "bad juju" to the team, which is disempowering and also an ostracising power move.
Me: Now it's my fault?
I imply that it's not because I'm at the hospital that the child got sick at home.
It shut her down, but this nurse (Sarah as she'll come up again in another post) has been playing a few power moves on me already. She looks sweet and innocent but has low self-esteem/shame issue (I can feel it when I'm with her) so she social climbs as an attempt to feel better about herself (my interpretation).
I think I could have dealt with it better. Like surfacing:
Me: What do you mean?
Or go harder with a power move of mine:
Me: You really think I gave the child diabetes?
Making her look like she's stupid.
I'm happy to hear your comments on this.
Another option:
Me: You really think I have the power to make children sick and come to the hospital?
The risk is many people have this superstition (observation bias, I don't know). I'm a bit ashamed to admit I have it a little bit. There are some people who have this reputation to "attract" and it's a bit weird but one will experience shitty situations and there's always the same people there. I think it's totally observation bias though.
So if I make her look stupid by having this idea, I'm sending the message that I think that all the people with this assumption are stupid. And I think it's a majority of people at the hospital. So I would ostracize myself.
For instance, 2 of my bosses have this reputation to "attract" and 1 of them recognise it herself. People with this reputation even know one another. Like my boss saw someone like this and said reciprocally: "Not today right?" like: "let's not bring the bad juju today, as we both do".
So my perspective is that we learn more with the shitty situations. However, in a team no one wants to work with the person bringing the shitty situations. Whether a superstition or not, that's what people believe so it's important not let people put this image on me.
I gotta ask you first, are you sure the nurse wasn't just teasing you as a means of flirting? :P
now assuming that she was hostile,
I would assess the situation from frame control point of view.
In Reply 1 and 3Â you are submitting to her frame
In reply 2, you are No acknowledging her frame
Reply 1
Me: Now it's my fault?
You are acknowledging her frame and then putting too much effort to defend it. = Low Power
Reply 2
Me: What do you mean?
This is actually good! you are putting the onus of making effort back on her, and forcing her into your frame.
In this case, your follow up to her response is key!!
Her Response: All bad things happen when you are around.
You: Make an amused face as to non verbally suggest she said something stupid and then then change the topic to "well aaannnyyy way.... i am glad we are doing a great job taking care of people etc. etc.
you change the frame from u vs me to we
Reply 3.
Me: You really think I gave the child diabetes?
Same issue as 1.
Certainly better than pretending to laugh about it.
In this case, surfacing options like this one:
What do you mean?
Are best if nobody else is around.
It's because I wouldn't want to expand on a potentially dangerous frame.
Maybe nothing happens, but if next time you're there and there is another emergency, then people may start using that as a running joke.
And you don't want that.
But if it's only the two of you, may work.
Another good high-power option:
Let's not be silly. Patients need help, and we do our best to provide it. That's all.
Or simply just shake your head as if to say "cut the nonsense".
Basically, you fly higher.
Mindset-wise:
- It's mentally small-minded and low power to believe in "curses", jump to conclusions, and see connections that don't exist
- It's high-power, "alpha-type" to see the world as doing its thing, and you working to control it and mold it to your goals
Any of the many techniques and approaches that sub-communicates the above two is golden.
Thank you very much Lucio! Very helpful!
Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on June 14, 2023, 2:28 pmCertainly better than pretending to laugh about it.
Yes I agree, I'm walking away from this behaviour.
Let's not be silly. Patients need help, and we do our best to provide it. That's all.
In my notes, thank you!
I think this deserve to be in PU:
Mindset-wise:
- It's mentally small-minded and low power to believe in "curses", jump to conclusions, and see connections that don't exist
- It's high-power, "alpha-type" to see the world as doing its thing, and you working to control it and mold it to your goals
Any of the many techniques and approaches that sub-communicates the above two is golden.
Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on June 14, 2023, 2:28 pmAnother good high-power option:
Let's not be silly. Patients need help, and we do our best to provide it. That's all.
Or simply just shake your head as if to say "cut the nonsense".
It's awesome!
Breakdown of subcommunication:
Let's not be silly = I am saying "we" should not, but really meaning you were the one who was silly and should stop; and, while being so kind to save your face (but just a bit), I'm also showcasing I'm the leader here (I can speak for "us")
Patients need help, and we do our best to provide it = the input does not come from us, but from the patients; and don't forget that we do good here (help), and not - as you seemed to imply - create "bad"
That's all = it's so simple; but also, discussion is over
Thank you very much, AR! Very helpful!
I totally agree with your analysis: it's very important not to fall in the other person's frame. It's a great reminder.
It's more powerful to reframe/change the frame than to fall within this person's. The challenge is about thinking about it on the spot! However, writing here and thinking ahead prepares us mentally for these moments when we have to think on the spot of a reframe.
I think it could be a mantra: "challenge the frame, challenge the frame, challenge the frame" to repeat in one's own mind when being socially challenged in a nasty way. I'm going to experiment with this. Or "how can I challenge this frame?". At the beginning it will take time to think about an answer, with time it will go faster.
Or simply just shake your head as if to say "cut the nonsense".
Regarding this body language: same as challenging the frame I will work on it to remind myself to use this head shake. I will give feed-back on it as it's been a long time I want to use this. I think it's powerful but forget to use it. Will use it from now on.
Thank you, Bel! Great analysis. Helpful and 100% accurate I believe. I also admired the powerful communication behind it but did not exactly understand why. So definitely helpful!
Thank you, John, for this very interesting and helpful thread!
Thank you for your thoughts! Made the thread clearly better! :)
Agree, great analysis on why it works well by Bel.
In brief, high power and leader-like.
Quote from John Freeman on June 14, 2023, 7:08 pm
I think this deserve to be in PU:
Mindset-wise:
- It's mentally small-minded and low power to believe in "curses", jump to conclusions, and see connections that don't exist
- It's high-power, "alpha-type" to see the world as doing its thing, and you working to control it and mold it to your goals
Any of the many techniques and approaches that sub-communicates the above two is golden.
Thank you for this, John!
In my notes on possible PU upgades: to stress more that the best frame control is based on high level mindsets and beliefs.
