A friend is rejecting invitations to meet up
Hi Guys,
I have a friend, he is always rejecting invitations.
I suggest we do something, he says he is busy.
I call him because I need be out of the apartment for the evening, he doesn't meet me and says he feels tired and is going home.
I offer him to go watch a movie, he says he is not interested.
I ask him to come by my house, he is not responding.
The only time he comes with me, I find out he was planning to get something for him in the process.
ANALYSIS:
It feels like he is disempowering me.
- I am doing a lot of Effort with no ROI.
- He doesn't give me any value.
- He takes and takes only.
I think I will stop asking. And turn him down when he needs me.
I will drop him if he doesn't add value to you. Emotional or otherwise. You could use the slowly fading away approach.
It feels like he is not a friend :).
Quote from Mathieu on December 20, 2021, 11:35 pmI think I will stop asking.
Stop asking him seems the best course of action.
You chased enough, now give him space and see if he comes to you -and if he doesn't, good, time for better people in your life :)-.
But...
Don't forget to run the basic diagnostic questions.
Just yesterday a good friend whom I'm always happy to see and who's always happy to see me said that he doesn't want to meet another guy because "he always complains".
"Always complaining" is just one of a myriad of ways that one can take value. Once you make sure you're generally an uplifting, value-giving force, then you know that it's not you.
Hello, thank you guys for the feedback.
I am now diving deep into PU and your comments raised 2 questions:
1/ Is there a list of "Giving" and "taking" in the course?
2/ Is there a list of "Empowering? and Disempowering" ?
Cheers,
There isn't such a list, but the whole course itself helps you understand and internalize what's empowering/value-giving or disempowering/value-taking.
But PU is more advanced, the basics of general socialization should be there already, such as:
- Talking all the time about yourself is value-taking
- Not asking about something important they share about their life is an opportunity loss to add value (and indirectly value taking)
- Complaining the whole time is value-taking
- Bragging about yourself is value-taking
- Being negative and pessimistic the whole time is value-taking
- Brushing off something they worry about is value-taking
- Not picking up the tab at least half of the times is value-taking (unless you were giving so much that it was "fair" for them to pick up the tab)
And the opposite is value-giving.
Another common value taking one is life coaching.
Trying to impose your views and lifestyle on someone.
Instead of accepting them for who they are and enjoying the differences
Another one is eye contact in a small group. It should be shared around not targeted at one person as that freezes out the other person.