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A powerful and collaborative response to people asking you if you’re offended.
Hello TPM, today I’ve been pondering about a couple of phrases being thrown around more frequently in recent years.
They are the phrases about being offended or taking offence to something. Some of these can be pretty covert ways of masking anything that could potentially fall out the “wrong” way:
Her:
“You look like an angel, don’t take that the wrong way, I hope you don’t get offended…”
Or...
Them: “Are you okay?"
Me: "I’m fine, why do you ask?"
Them: "Sorry if you got offended, it’s just that feeling depressed is a major issue that affects lots of people….”
All I have devised is the judge's power move “That’s a low blow for assuming I get offended over these things”
It may not have merit in this situation, because I believe it could play into their game a little bit, for example, if they respond:
Them: “It’s okay, just don’t be so offended, okay?”
I’ve just used silence and waited for the conversation to naturally change into something else. It’s good that these excerpts have been pretty low level, a waiter and a stranger respectively, however, I feel unguarded if it were to become a full showdown, I wouldn’t know much of what to do.
For instance:
You get offended all the time, you take offence to everything!
:L
Who thinks there is a win-win outcome here?
Hi there,
what I like to say in such instances:
Them: “Please don't be offended!”
Me: "I'm not offended, but if I were, it were on me.
I think everybody has the right to express whatever they want, no matter what I or the current society happens to think and feel about it right now.
Does this offend you? :D "
- It reinstates higher values like freedom of speech (who would like to disagree with that?),
- it implies that societal perceptions of "offense" are unstable and ever-shifting,
- and it closes with humour while flinging their power move right back at them.
Please report back if you try it out! :)
However it doesn't fit every situation, because some toxic, abusive assholes use a statement like that to kind of get your permission to insult you, so they can frame you as being offended if you don't like it afterwards (or even pre-frame you).
If it turns out that this was the case after you stated the above, you could say:
Me: I respect everyones freedom of speech to the greatest degree possible. And I dislike your behaviour and crossing of boundaries and now think you wanted to trick me to give you permission for insulting me.
This seems to be the case here, I would even rate it as a category red powermove:
Them: “Are you okay?"
Me: "I’m fine, why do you ask?"
Them: "Sorry if you got offended, it’s just that feeling depressed is a major issue that affects lots of people….”
Me: If you wouldn't go around randomly insulting strangers/others while framing them being bewildered by your behaviour and not liking it "as being offended", I may would've listened to how your depression got you to this point in life.
That would have been my response to this particular situation with strong eye contact, because of how nasty that was.
Imaging going to others and telling them they look depressed (always implies some kind of 'mental issues'). Even if you actually were depressed, this is utterly disrespectful and boundary crossing in several ways. That they framed you not liking it as being offended ("that's your issue that you don't like my insults!") makes it toxic, because they try to circumvent your defense, which makes it an intended attack.
If you two were alone a mere "that was nasty af" and disengagement may would've been enough.
Quote from Oli on February 24, 2022, 1:49 amThem: “Are you okay?"
Me: "I’m fine, why do you ask?"
Them: "Sorry if you got offended, it’s just that feeling depressed is a major issue that affects lots of people….”
Further chewing on this specific dynamic, because of how much damage such a few words can make:
Them: “Are you okay?"
This is already a red flag for this type of power move, especially from a stranger for no apparent reason ( - vs. - you just slipped or something).
Being aware of this, your gut feeling could probably distinguish in that very moment between honest and positive care and someone trying to bully you through virtue-signalling.
It might have been better to already stop them in their tracks right there:
Me: "Hey what's up.
Are you looking for someone to talk to?"
Or something along the lines already reversing the dynamic of them framing you as in acute need for care (low power) and them being that "care" (high power), while it's actually them initiating the conversation or pushing it in that direction - so they are in need.
If they then still try to attack you in that way (could be the case because they may be catched off guard), you can easily disimiss everything they say (this should work independently too):
Me: "Hmm, I have honestly no idea what you are talking about.
Do you regularly have a strong need to go to strangers to tell them how they look in your opinion?"
Quote from Oli on February 24, 2022, 1:49 amThem: “Are you okay?"
Me: "I’m fine, why do you ask?"
Them: "Sorry if you got offended, it’s just that feeling depressed is a major issue that affects lots of people….”
All I have devised is the judge's power move “That’s a low blow for assuming I get offended over these things”
It's OK, but not great in my opinion.
The good things about it:
- It surfaces the issue
- It goes on the "attack"
- It can push them to defend and backtrack
But not great, because:
- It creates a new thread of you being touchy: that wasn't even in the frame. Now that you say you're not, the question becomes "is he really not, or was he?"
And the problem is, it does come across as touchy because: - It's over-reactive #1: and it's over-reactive because of calibration. That was a covert power move. The cover of "caring about you" makes it seem less damaging. When you get snippy, you have no cover. You react too strong compared to their micro-aggression.
The frame is: "I was caring about you, you got angry, and you get snippy (what's wrong with you)?" - It's overreactive #2: Your second reply insists on the over-reaction road.
The frame is "I was caring about you, you got angry, and now you're making a big deal about it (what's wrong with you)?"
Yes, you surfaced the issue, but not in a good way.
Surfacing covert power moves should put their power remove in the spotlight, without making you look uncalibrated or over-reactive.
OR, if you over-react, then you should go more meta and assertive and explain why and what is not cool.
Quote from Anon on February 24, 2022, 9:08 amThis seems to be the case here, I would even rate it as a category red powermove:
Them: “Are you okay?"
Me: "I’m fine, why do you ask?"
Them: "Sorry if you got offended, it’s just that feeling depressed is a major issue that affects lots of people….”
(...)
Imaging going to others and telling them they look depressed (always implies some kind of 'mental issues'). Even if you actually were depressed, this is utterly disrespectful and boundary crossing in several ways. That they framed you not liking it as being offended ("that's your issue that you don't like my insults!") makes it toxic, because they try to circumvent your defense, which makes it an intended attack.
If you two were alone a mere "that was nasty af" and disengagement may would've been enough.
Perfect read on the power dynamics!
I agree.
It might not seem a red-level, but it can easily be.
It's very disempowering to be framed as "one of the many with this issue of getting depressed (plus, overreacting and getting angry when some good samaritan like me wants to help them)".
Quote from Anon on February 24, 2022, 11:25 amThem: “Are you okay?"
This is already a red flag for this type of power move, especially from a stranger for no apparent reason ( - vs. - you just slipped or something).
Being aware of this, your gut feeling could probably distinguish in that very moment between honest and positive care and someone trying to bully you through virtue-signalling.
It might have been better to already stop them in their tracks right there:
Me: "Hey what's up.
Are you looking for someone to talk to?"Or something along the lines already reversing the dynamic of them framing you as in acute need for care (low power) and them being that "care" (high power), while it's actually them initiating the conversation or pushing it in that direction - so they are in need.
If they then still try to attack you in that way (could be the case because they may be catched off guard), you can easily disimiss everything they say (this should work independently too):
Me: "Hmm, I have honestly no idea what you are talking about.
Do you regularly have a strong need to go to strangers to tell them how they look in your opinion?"
Bingo!
Perfect.
It's a perfect one-up.
Technically speaking, you can also answer with a "one-cross".
That works as a more collaborative solutions for those who weren't out to power-move you.
Like this:
Him: Are you OK
You: Wonderful, and how are you doing my man?
If you want to add a small, leader-type power move:
You: Good, I'm glad you're doing well
And with that, you turn a potentially power-taking situation into a win. Now you're socially savvy, and leader-like.
Quote from Oli on February 24, 2022, 1:49 amHer:
“You look like an angel, don’t take that the wrong way, I hope you don’t get offended…”
You could answer:
You: Why should I? (smile) Everyone likes compliments. (optional: Now about you... what is your number?)
Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on February 25, 2022, 3:16 pmIt's a perfect one-up.
Technically speaking, you can also answer with a "one-cross".
That works as a more collaborative solutions for those who weren't out to power-move you.
Like this:
Him: Are you OK
You: Wonderful, and how are you doing my man?If you want to add a small, leader-type power move:
You: Good, I'm glad you're doing well
And with that, you turn a potentially power-taking situation into a win. Now you're socially savvy, and leader-like.
Yes that's certainly the most elegant and refined option - yet still very intuitive and simple.
I think one needs to be utterly detached from the situation to see it that way, as I for example hate it when people do harm others with their empty virtue signalling like in Oli's example, and get a bit angry at them and that is reflected in my response which has the downside that unaware people could perceive it easily as overreaction ( - which it might even be in certain circumstances).
But the outcome is better if one doesn't take it personally at all (and especially so if it was meant that way) and simply look at it in terms of most effective in short- and mid-term. This made me again aware of how valuable complete detachment and a birds-eye perspective can be for handling such situations.
Yes, perfectly stated, Anon.
Still, the "real", most harmful difference is with the total unawareness.
The difference between your answer and this more detached one is more about temperament or "refinement".
But as long as you don't let others disempower you, no matter what action or technique you use, we're already in the "good" camp.
An effective way to deal with this is to just ask a question. Asking questions gives you the upper hand. They have to explain themselves to you.
Them: “Are you okay?"
You: "I’m fine, why do you ask?"
Them: "Sorry if you got offended, it’s just that feeling depressed is a major issue that affects lots of people….”
You: "Why would I be offended?"
Or: "What makes you think I would be offended?"
