Quote from B on November 12, 2023, 11:00 pm

Hi Guys.

This post deals with two job interviews Bella recently had, and what learning we derived from them in terms of "charm and compliments".

First interview

The "first interview" is actually composed of two successive interviews.

So Bella went on this interview with a woman interviewer, who chatted with her and - at the end of the interview - complimented Bella on her resume, and said to Bella:

Interviewer: Even if we don't select you for this position, I want to try and get you on board for a different one.

Bella was happy, but also agitated.

But, she couldn't pinpoint her agitation on something specific.

She was then called to a second interview with the CEO of this woman interviewer.

The CEO started power moving, taking a judge frame, and word-salading from the start.

Bella grew restless and restless.

Then this ensued (I'm simplyfing a bit but the gist is this):

CEO: Ok, so we usually have the candidates we select work for free for two weeks. To understand if this is a good fit. Is this a problem for you?

Bella: Yes, it is.

CEO: (taken aback) Oh, but it's in your interest as well. You could also change your mind. In your case we can do one week. Anyway our offer is ...

CEO: So do you accept?

Bella: I'll take 24 hours to think about it and will let you know.

CEO: No, you have to tell us now. We need an employee in this and we need to be sure right now, otherwise we may have a problem.

Bella: Well, I don't want to create any problems here, so I'll be clear: I always take 24 hours to consider important things like job offers. So if I must give you an immediate answer, the answer is no.

(Bella at this point got up and extended her hand to shake theirs)

CEO: (taken aback, stuttering) No, wait, wait... Ok we can give you time to think about it, but it must be quick, and the answer must be a yes or no.

Bella: When I say something, that's it. I'll let you know this evening since quickness is so important for you.

* click on blockquote to expand

Then, of course, Bella refused to go work for these manipulative people.

The woman interviewer then texted Bella:

Interviewer: Yes, I already thought you would refuse. Can I ask you, as feedback, why you chose to refuse?

To which Bella of course didn't reply.

Second interview

Now this is interesting.

A totally different workplace and person interviewed Bella.

At the end of the interview, Bella told me that it was strange:

This other person was much more detached and professional, didn't compliment Bella, didn't say anything on whether she was in pole position or out of the race.

He just told her he would have other interviews with other candidates and then at the end let her kno in any case.

Bella felt "less validated", but also "more comfortable" with this guy's approach.

Charm and compliments can be manipulative: more charm and compliments can be a substitute for "intention"

Then it dawned on us both:

Charm and compliments, especially early on and before a person can really have formed a judgment, can be pure manipulation.

I also saw this distinction in my work.

The worst, most manipulative clients I ever had were those that always used to "compliment me" on "what a great lawyer I was", from the start.

They would invariably be the ones to:

• play games
• not pay
• exploit my work
• manipulate me

In the end I deliberately "fired" those clients.

The best clients I have now almost never compliment me. But they:

• respect me
• pay me on time
• ask me for repeat work.

The best clients I have make me "more insecure" (because they don't tell me what they think of me), but also less "agitated".

Sometimes compliments and charm, especially early on, can be used as substitute for intention.

High warmth and low intention is the hallmark of manipulative personalities.