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Achieving without being too hard on oneself: the REBT solution

Some days ago we were talking about achieving and being driven... Without being too hard on oneself.

Is it possible?
And if so, how?

I really liked Ellis' approach and his REBT therapy.

I quote one brief passage:

How do you achieve without self-hating?
By not giving up your preference for achieving your goals, but eliminating your demands and musts.

As long as you tell yourself that “you would really like to achieve X, but you don’t have to,’ you’ll retain your task-perfectionism but not your self-perfectionism.”

I think this is so important than we need to stress it further:

Seek task-perfectionism, but not self-perfectionism.

No matter how bad your task turns out to be, you still accept yourself. And the converse is true: no matter how good your task turns out to be, you still don’t think you’re “the best”, because otherwise at the next failure, you’ll be a failure again.
This is the basis of “antifragile ego”.

Full summary here:

How to Stubbornly Refuse to Make Yourself Miserable

One of the best books on mental control I have read so far.

Have you read the forum guidelines for effective communication already?

the link for the full summary is missing

Thank you, Stef! Funny it was there when I edited, but as a bullet point it wasn't appearing. Now fixed anyway.

Have you read the forum guidelines for effective communication already?

REBT is great. I find that it combines empowerment and warmth in a strong way, combining Stoic warriorhood and Christian love. At the same time, I have some reservations as well, which have to do with the difference between Stoicism and Christianity on the one hand, and Aristotle on the other.


Anyway, the following page uses REBT to come up with good ways of dealing with conflict situations in a win-win way. Have a look: