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"Advanced Rules (& Life Applications)" PU lesson feedback
Currently, the lesson shares this rule:
4. Give intermittently, avoid your giving becoming the norm (habituation rule)
This is TPM’s “cynical side” proverb:
Give often, and people love you. Give always, and people take you for stupid
Well, they might not always think of you as stupid.
But your giving can become the norm, and people can start taking it for granted (especially the ungrateful ones).When your giving is taken for granted, it becomes the “new norm”.
Your giving does not award you any more social capital points, and it becomes difficult to ask for value back.So take some breaks in your giving, ask for something back, and make sure people appreciate your value (“fair value marketing”, see the next lesson).
I think it's worth it to also add this:
Or else, once again, you risk getting taken for a fool.
Authors Anne Baber and Lynne Waymon put it well in their book, Strategic Connections:
Baber and Waymon: "Give appropriately...limit your offers of help until you develop the relationship. People may question your character and competence if you over-enthusiastically or prematurely overwhelm them with your generosity."
Also, being fast and unselective with who you give value to undervalues your giving.
We tend to value higher that which:
- Is scarce: if everyone wants it, then we're unconsciously more likely to want it. So, if you scarcely give out this value (you're slower to share it), then they'll value it more.
- Requires an entry barrier: if not everyone can have it, then we're unconsciously more likely to want it. So, if you let the relationship mature (as an entry barrier for them to receive the value), they'll value it more.
Lastly, giving hurriedly comes across as chasing and can actually reduce your social capital as it diminishes your perceived power.
Awesome, awesome. Advanced idea! :)
Thanks for sharing.
This correlates with my experience. My giving was undervalued and as I gave less it was more valued. However, how to give is very strategic. I mean there is an opportunity cost to giving. So it's important to do it well. And for other reasons as well.
So based on what you wrote, there is also a self-development aspect to it: the chasing.
Yeah, sometimes my giving was actually chasing. For instance my recent barber tip. It was not chasing. However, it got framed as chasing. So yeah people will subconsciously attribute bad giving (undifferentiated, automatic, too much value regarding the relationship, etc.) to chasing.
Going back to this specific case it reminds me now of something I decided not to do anymore:
Giving without request
I'll clarify. If I tell someone all the tips I have, then since it was not requested the person can take it and go. And they don't have to acknowledge the value given since it was not asked (I owe you nothing since I did not even ask what you gave me so it's free and what is free is zero value). That's why in the specific example I did not give the hairdresser's name right away. Also the mistake I did was to give in a group so I don't even know who's interested or not. So bad giving in this case, which can trigger one-upping since one is self-framing as low value (chasing).
So I use this example to say that I would add that as much as possible to make sure that we're waiting until the person asks for value. Then the value is more appreciated since the person had to work for it (unconsicously: energy expanded makes us value things).
I think the concept of giving as chasing is a very important one as well.
Thank you for sharing, Ali!
PU develops on the principle of "all that's necessary, but no more than necessary".
This added principle seems to me potentially overlapping with what's already there.
So maybe an added note or a change of wording in the original principle, rather than a sub-rule.
Or a sub-rule may actually be needed.
Not sure now.
But I added it as a note for the next upgrade that's about to start, thanks!
