(almost) NEVER Justify yourself
Hello guys,
something really important is to never justify yourself to someone else. At the moment you're justifying yourself, you're giving the other person the power of the judge. Now you're giving someone else a reason why you're thinking, saying or doing something. You now depend on the other person's approval.
I wrote "almost" because of course sometimes you have to explain yourself. However, this thread is to invite you to reconsider next time you're going to justify yourself: is it necessary?
If not, don't do it because you'll be giving the other person power over you that this person did not have earlier.
What do you think?
Absolutely, justifying gives judge powers to the person you're justifying to.
The moment you justify your actions, you're also saying "I did something wrong, and I'm explaining now why it wasn't so bad of me. Can you understand me, and can you provide me your forgiveness for my mistakes / sins"?
At more foundational terms, it says "I am not / was not good enough".
And when you directly or indirectly seek a pardon, which justification often does, you also add "can you make me good enough again"?
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Harsh but true.
The old saying used to be: never complain and never explain.
Don't complain because its playing the victim card and learning helplessness. Hell even if its just saying I need to move on and work on my resume there's always something you can be DOing.
Yeah, it's a good rule of thumb.
Of course, we also know here that advanced level is about going past rules of thumb.
Sometimes, when you don't justify, you might seem like a dickhead who's too stuck up and too hell-bent on power.
But if you justify, you might lose too much power.
Solution?
There are a few, including:
MATTER OF FACT STATEMENTS
Cut out the "I'm sorry", and explain the reason why, without justifying:
Him: You're late
You: High traffic today. Here I am anyway, how hungry are you...
EXPRESS WISHES
Take the same example as before:
Him: You're late
You: I wish we'd live in a world with no traffic and where people never crashed their cars in front of you...
Indirectly says why you're late, but without justifying.
It's also a power move of sorts, or can be turned into one. In a way, you also indirectly say "you're a dickhead for standing there and blaming while someone might have real reasons for being late, and while someone might have had a bad accident"
JOIN THEM
Him: You're late
You: Yeah, and I'm so angry about, I love being on time. Sometimes you just can't help it though, and all that matters is that eventually you get there. Anyway, on the positive side...
Instead of justifying, you join them, so that you show that you're just like them, you appreciate punctuality, and do so without justifying. You can also combine this by indirectly justifying via blaming a third party (traffic or whatever).
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All good stuff! Thanks a lot! Should go in PU.
Quote from John Freeman on December 26, 2020, 11:52 amAll good stuff! Thanks a lot! Should go in PU.
Thanks for the tip!
Added as a link to the justification paragraph in frame control (part II).
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Hey guys,
How about TOTAL OWNERSHIP;
Like: "Hey, you're right, I'm late. This is my fault. I didn't prepare for a contingency plan. I'm gonna do one now so it won't happen again".
As rule of thumb: Take the blame, it disarms the other person and give you full power.
Quote from Mathieu on November 19, 2021, 3:45 pmHey guys,
How about TOTAL OWNERSHIP;
Like: "Hey, you're right, I'm late. This is my fault. I didn't prepare for a contingency plan. I'm gonna do one now so it won't happen again".
As rule of thumb: Take the blame, it disarms the other person and give you full power.
Yep, it's often a great move.
And very eagle-style approach.
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I m not sure about the example of being late. If I was late to a social meeting I d probably say sorry I m late, traffic and then ask them a question.
I feel like this is normal social lubricant.
If I was late to a business meeting where I was an active participant I d go total ownership.
If it was one of those darned all hands meetings to listen to some HIPPO I would just sneak in.