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Answering "how tall are you?"

#1 · October 2, 2023, 11:07 pm

Quote from John Freeman on October 2, 2023, 11:07 pm
Hello TPM community,
I brought this girl from Bumble to WhatsApp to set a date on next Sunday. She's 24 y.o. medical assistant. I'm only interested because she's pretty. The exchanges on WA were pretty poor she did not have anything to say really.
Out of the blue:
Her: I did not ask you but how tall are you? (crazy smiley face)
I'll be honest it's a question that annoys me:
Because I'm 1.73m (5ft 7) so it kind of screens me out for women who are looking for the 1.8m (5ft9) guy
It's like I would ask her her bra size, so it's a bit objectifying: now I'm valuable only based on my height.
I respect her criteria. However this is a bit out of place for me.
My solutions
Her: I did not ask you but how tall are you? (crazy smiley face)
Me: Listen, if that's what's important to you I respect it but it seems we are not compatible. So I prefer to cancel the date.
Reject her assertively
Her: I did not ask you but how tall are you? (crazy smiley face)
Me: Yeah right I did not ask you either: what's your bra size?
A bit aggressive but plays the same game back on her. I have to say that I'm quite tired of women disrepecting men. It's fair for her to ask but it's the whole attitude. I have way more to offer than her so I'm not sure she's in the right place to take the judge role.
Her: I did not ask you but how tall are you? (crazy smiley face)
Me: Hahaha you'll have to see in person ;)
Playful back, stay in the flirt zone. The problem here is that it might seem that I'm dodging the question. And she does not have high investment so high chance of failure.
Her: I did not ask you but how tall are you? (crazy smiley face)
Me: Listen, I don't think these kind of things are the most important. We'll see if we have chemistry.
Here I'm not being empathetic as I'm not taking into account that it is important to her. I go the collaborative ("we") route and change the frame. But still weak.
I'm curious to know what you guys think about this.
I prefer the either reject assertively (but no p*ssy) or the playful back. Also playing the same game back on her could escalate and get bitter fast. I already see we're not compatible so I think it's one of those cases where it's better to pass. Either go further to learn and experiment or pass.
After some thoughts it's better to learn.

Hello TPM community,

I brought this girl from Bumble to WhatsApp to set a date on next Sunday. She's 24 y.o. medical assistant. I'm only interested because she's pretty. The exchanges on WA were pretty poor she did not have anything to say really.

Out of the blue:

Her: I did not ask you but how tall are you? (crazy smiley face)

I'll be honest it's a question that annoys me:

Because I'm 1.73m (5ft 7) so it kind of screens me out for women who are looking for the 1.8m (5ft9) guy
It's like I would ask her her bra size, so it's a bit objectifying: now I'm valuable only based on my height.

I respect her criteria. However this is a bit out of place for me.

My solutions

Her: I did not ask you but how tall are you? (crazy smiley face)
Me: Listen, if that's what's important to you I respect it but it seems we are not compatible. So I prefer to cancel the date.

Reject her assertively

Her: I did not ask you but how tall are you? (crazy smiley face)
Me: Yeah right I did not ask you either: what's your bra size?

A bit aggressive but plays the same game back on her. I have to say that I'm quite tired of women disrepecting men. It's fair for her to ask but it's the whole attitude. I have way more to offer than her so I'm not sure she's in the right place to take the judge role.

Her: I did not ask you but how tall are you? (crazy smiley face)
Me: Hahaha you'll have to see in person ;)

Playful back, stay in the flirt zone. The problem here is that it might seem that I'm dodging the question. And she does not have high investment so high chance of failure.

Her: I did not ask you but how tall are you? (crazy smiley face)
Me: Listen, I don't think these kind of things are the most important. We'll see if we have chemistry.

Here I'm not being empathetic as I'm not taking into account that it is important to her. I go the collaborative ("we") route and change the frame. But still weak.

I'm curious to know what you guys think about this.

I prefer the either reject assertively (but no p*ssy) or the playful back. Also playing the same game back on her could escalate and get bitter fast. I already see we're not compatible so I think it's one of those cases where it's better to pass. Either go further to learn and experiment or pass.

After some thoughts it's better to learn.

Kavalier and Power Duck have reacted to this post.

#2 · October 2, 2023, 11:58 pm

Hey John,

I wouldn't see the question so negatively.
It's a relatively common question, and you can't even know for sure why she's asking.

Could be:

She thinks she's too short
She thinks she's too tall
She's looking more around her height (rather than "very tall")
She's just asking (and it's not necessarily super important for her)

Even in the worst-case scenario, it's still a lot better than, say "where are you taking me" (and then angling for an expensive place).

But yeah, I agree with you that it can be a thorny question before a date and thus better approached strategically.

So the only option I'd personally advise among the ones you list is "you'll have to find out in person".

Edit:
But... That's just me of course :).

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#3 · October 3, 2023, 12:41 am

Hello, John, Lucio. What do you guys think of just stating it?

Her: I did not ask you but how tall are you? (crazy smiley face)
You: 1.73
You: [goes on talking about whatever you were talking about, be it vibing, setting the date, etc]

I think that not answering or turning the question on her shows insecurity by itself in this case. It's not something you'd normally hide if you were tall, as it would count in your favour.

Stating it and then changing the subject subcommunicates that it's just a number and it's unimportant.

If she was just asking because she had nothint to talk about, now you gave her a subject. If it's unimportant to her, it'll remain unimportant.

If it's kind of "important", but she's a good girl, she might ask herself whether she's not being too superficial and still want to play ball. Here you have an opportunity to show the awesome guy you are and win her over.

If height was important for her, it's unlikely that she'll change her mind once she sees you in person. You're fighting an uphill battle.

In the worst case scenario, you screen her out and save yourself some time.

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#4 · October 3, 2023, 9:33 am

Hmmm it's a potentially good take, Kavalier.

I see it differently though, especially if your goal is to cast a wide net and find a great woman (or even just sleep around).

It's better to meet in person for that, also because her question doesn't say anything good/bad about her in my opinion.

This idea that "you must answer (seriously)" seems to me more like a man's type of communication.
Ie.: you get a factual question, you give a factual answer.

And while it's entirely possible she wants that, you can as easily find out later on within the exchange.

Also, I think that you replying are playing into her hands of "screening you".
Not replying instead maintains more power/leadership.

In my opinion and experience, in most cases, this isn't a super important question that she truly needs an answer to.

She's seen your pictures, she has an idea... It's as important for her, if not more, to know that you're a normal and "cool guy", as it is to know her height.
And avoiding to answer does 2 out of 3 (and it's also higher power).

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#5 · October 3, 2023, 12:05 pm

I used to throw in.

Don't worry I like short girls.

We ll be the same height when we re lyng down

#2 breaks Lucio s rule of not sexting too early

I found Web girls so random I just used to say whatever I felt like.

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#6 · October 3, 2023, 1:53 pm

Quote from John Freeman on October 3, 2023, 1:53 pm
Thank you so much for your answers, guys! Much helpful!
Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on October 2, 2023, 11:58 pm
Hey John,
I wouldn't see the question so negatively.
You're right.
She thinks she's too tall
She's looking more around her height (rather than "very tall")
It was those, I write about it below.
So the only option I'd personally advise among the ones you list is "you'll have to find out in person".
I followed your advice, thank you very much!
Quote from Kavalier on October 3, 2023, 12:41 am
Hello, John, Lucio. What do you guys think of just stating it?
I agree with Lucio, I considered it but then thought that it was giving her power, the judge role and would get out of the "flirting mode".
I think that not answering or turning the question on her shows insecurity by itself in this case. It's not something you'd normally hide if you were tall, as it would count in your favour.
You're right. In this case my main concern is not to be screened out. I'm happy with my height. Of course if I would be taller I would not mind but it's not a complex I have.
Stating it and then changing the subject subcommunicates that it's just a number and it's unimportant.
Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on October 3, 2023, 9:33 am
Hmmm it's a potentially good take, Kavalier.
I see it differently though, especially if your goal is to cast a wide net and find a great woman (or even just sleep around).
It's better to meet in person for that, also because her question doesn't say anything good/bad about her in my opinion.
Right. I agree with you.
This idea that "you must answer (seriously)" seems to me more like a man's type of communication.
Ie.: you get a factual question, you give a factual answer.
Also, I think that you replying are playing into her hands of "screening you".
Not replying instead maintains more power/leadership.
I see it the same way.
In my opinion and experience, in most cases, this isn't a super important question that she truly needs an answer to.
She's seen your pictures, she has an idea... It's as important for her, if not more, to know that you're a normal and "cool guy", as it is to know her height.
And avoiding to answer does 2 out of 3 (and it's also higher power).
I had not considered it this way.
Update
So based on your feed-back here is my answer
Her: I did not ask you but how tall are you? (crazy smiley face)
Me: Hahaha, you'll see when we see each other ;) (here wink seemed appropriate to me as it was not passive aggressive)
Her: Ahah I just hope than you're taller than me because I'm a bit tall hihi :) (you were right Lucio)
Me: I like tall women :)
Her: I like tall men so I hope you'll be taller hihi :)
Then I don't answer anymore not to thread-expand on this.
What was good
So it was the right answer to stay playful
My mistake
I hesitated to answer anything after this as I thought I already did good.
Her: Ahah I just hope than you're taller than me because I'm a bit tall hihi :) (you were right Lucio)
But my old habits got the best out of me:
Me: I like tall women :)
Here I wanted to qualify her and build a mutual reciprocating. However it was a mistake since she does not know my height so the preference is only on my side. And I subcommunicate that most likely she's taller than me (don't think so based on the pictures). I also give her power and it's too early in the interaction to do so in absence of investment/liking from her part. Also I thread-expand on a topic which is not on my favour (her judging me based on my height).
Her: I like tall men so I hope you'll be taller hihi :)
It's proof that it was a mistake as she frame-imposes. So she has the upper hand and keeps the judge role. I thread-expanded so it was my mistake I should have bridged. I served it to her on a platter after I rebalanced with my previous answer. So I'll make sure not to talk about height during the date in order not to thread expand.
Thank you guys, as you saw thanks to you: Success!
Note to Kavalier: even though I chose to go a different route, I learned from your answer about how it could come across had I chose not to answer, so thanks!

Thank you so much for your answers, guys! Much helpful!

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on October 2, 2023, 11:58 pm
Hey John,
I wouldn't see the question so negatively.

You're right.

She thinks she's too tall
She's looking more around her height (rather than "very tall")

It was those, I write about it below.

So the only option I'd personally advise among the ones you list is "you'll have to find out in person".

I followed your advice, thank you very much!

Quote from Kavalier on October 3, 2023, 12:41 am
Hello, John, Lucio. What do you guys think of just stating it?

I agree with Lucio, I considered it but then thought that it was giving her power, the judge role and would get out of the "flirting mode".

I think that not answering or turning the question on her shows insecurity by itself in this case. It's not something you'd normally hide if you were tall, as it would count in your favour.

You're right. In this case my main concern is not to be screened out. I'm happy with my height. Of course if I would be taller I would not mind but it's not a complex I have.

Stating it and then changing the subject subcommunicates that it's just a number and it's unimportant.

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on October 3, 2023, 9:33 am
Hmmm it's a potentially good take, Kavalier.
I see it differently though, especially if your goal is to cast a wide net and find a great woman (or even just sleep around).
It's better to meet in person for that, also because her question doesn't say anything good/bad about her in my opinion.

Right. I agree with you.

This idea that "you must answer (seriously)" seems to me more like a man's type of communication.
Ie.: you get a factual question, you give a factual answer.
Also, I think that you replying are playing into her hands of "screening you".
Not replying instead maintains more power/leadership.

I see it the same way.

In my opinion and experience, in most cases, this isn't a super important question that she truly needs an answer to.
She's seen your pictures, she has an idea... It's as important for her, if not more, to know that you're a normal and "cool guy", as it is to know her height.
And avoiding to answer does 2 out of 3 (and it's also higher power).

I had not considered it this way.

Update

So based on your feed-back here is my answer

Her: I did not ask you but how tall are you? (crazy smiley face)
Me: Hahaha, you'll see when we see each other ;) (here wink seemed appropriate to me as it was not passive aggressive)
Her: Ahah I just hope than you're taller than me because I'm a bit tall hihi :) (you were right Lucio)
Me: I like tall women :)
Her: I like tall men so I hope you'll be taller hihi :)

Then I don't answer anymore not to thread-expand on this.

What was good

So it was the right answer to stay playful

My mistake

I hesitated to answer anything after this as I thought I already did good.

Her: Ahah I just hope than you're taller than me because I'm a bit tall hihi :) (you were right Lucio)

But my old habits got the best out of me:

Me: I like tall women :)

Here I wanted to qualify her and build a mutual reciprocating. However it was a mistake since she does not know my height so the preference is only on my side. And I subcommunicate that most likely she's taller than me (don't think so based on the pictures). I also give her power and it's too early in the interaction to do so in absence of investment/liking from her part. Also I thread-expand on a topic which is not on my favour (her judging me based on my height).

Her: I like tall men so I hope you'll be taller hihi :)

It's proof that it was a mistake as she frame-imposes. So she has the upper hand and keeps the judge role. I thread-expanded so it was my mistake I should have bridged. I served it to her on a platter after I rebalanced with my previous answer. So I'll make sure not to talk about height during the date in order not to thread expand.

Thank you guys, as you saw thanks to you: Success!

Note to Kavalier: even though I chose to go a different route, I learned from your answer about how it could come across had I chose not to answer, so thanks!

Lucio Buffalmano and Kavalier have reacted to this post.

#7 · October 3, 2023, 5:50 pm

I served it to her on a platter after I rebalanced with my previous answer.

I want to clarify the sentence above

I rebalanced the power balance with:

Hahaha, you'll see when we see each other 😉

And I served her the frame imposing on the platter with this:

I like tall women 🙂

So I shot myself in the foot after having rebalanced.

Kavalier has reacted to this post.

#8 · October 3, 2023, 10:02 pm

You got the date so all good. Main thing is to meet them IRL. Websites are just fantasy land that encourage bad behaviour.

I think the best thing when they go into that annoying shopping list mode is just ignore and change topic.

I used to like the old pua response. I like salad.

A smart girl will get it

If they go WTF then

Oh sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesn't matter.

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#9 · October 4, 2023, 12:01 am

Hello Transitioned,

thank you very much for your answers! Excuse me I f**ked up my quoting and did not answer properly. Next time I'll make separate posts per answer. Easier to read as well.

Quote from Transitioned on October 3, 2023, 12:05 pm
I used to throw in.
Don't worry I like short girls.

This is golden! I'll make sure to test it next time. High power, dominant, funny, frame reversal. It has it all I think.

Quote from Transitioned on October 3, 2023, 10:02 pm
Main thing is to meet them IRL. Websites are just fantasy land that encourage bad behaviour.

Words of wisdom here I think.

I think the best thing when they go into that annoying shopping list mode is just ignore and change topic.
I used to like the old pua response. I like salad.
A smart girl will get it
If they go WTF then
Oh sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesn't matter.

Also very high power and dominant. My fear here is that the girl could think that I'm not empathetic enough. I don't know what you think.

All in all thanks a lot!

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