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Being asked sexual questions at work: how to reply?
Hello,
a guy nurse was playing his "alpha cool" persona among the female nurses. So of course he was saying to a pretty female nurse that wanted to get rid of her belly fat: "no this is what we guys we like.". She is a slim woman of course and he was trying to compliment her. He then said in a loud voice as I was working on the computer "what do you think John?".
I answered: "Female nurse is perfect as she is".
What do you think of my counter power move?
He was trying to expose me on a personal level as what are my general tastes in women. I changed the frame by replying on this specific nurse and told that she did not need to worry about her image.
Could I have done better?Â
I think I should have taken some time to think for a better answer.
One issue I see with that reply is this:
You remained within the personal frame of talking about that specific nurse.
Furthermore, you did so by bringing up very high up, which might seem like pedestalizing.
If you wanted to avoid getting mired in that kind of talk, ideally you wanted to move away from the personal reference to the nurse.
This is where a good old philosopher's frame might have helped.
Something like:
Oh man, it's dificult to say. Standards of beauty are so subjective and ever-changing. Whatever changes one does, it will be less appealing to some, and more appealing to others.
Optional:
That's why I value personality a lot.
Then, whatever they reply, you keep replying less and less until you're back to work.
Alternatively, if you wanted to keep it short and send a clearer message you don't wanna be bothered with that kind of talk:
Not sure about (I'm finishing something here)
Another option I like:
"Oh guys, physical traits and attraction, that's a dangerous road to go down to"
And then you refuse to commit to an answer.
I like this one because it preserves your humanity and sexuality.
Yes, you enjoy a fine woman, and you also enjoy a good bro-talk about what makes a woman attractive. BUT you're at work, and you prefer staying professional here.
If they keep insisting, you could just say:
You guys keep on going, I will suspend judgment on this one and stick to my report here
It's also a slight power move, as if to say "you guys keep being unprofessional. I stick to work at work".
But it also makes you mysterious: what are John's feelings and sexual preferences? What did he want to say but did not say? And the woman might wonder: "does he like me or not"?
Thanks a lot.
Furthermore, you did so by bringing up very high up, which might seem like pedestalizing.
That's how I felt in the moment. Also I stayed within the guy's frame and also I ended up revealing what I thought about her. My only win was not to reveal what I liked about women in general.
Yes, I like to talk about my tastes in women but: not with this guy, not at work and not surrounded by colleague women. So that's what he was trying to push me to: to be out of my professional self. That was my attempt not to let him do it.
Yeah, also purely from a power dynamics point of view, if a nurse who is work-wise below you in the hierarchy gets to talk to you like an equal, it's a win for him, but a potential loss for you.
And from an ethical point of view, it's a grey area for someone higher up in a hierarchy to make remarks about the physical appearance of someone who is below them.
Sure, it wasn't about lewd or overly sexual remarks, more like talking about personal preferences and advice, but still.
I think your approach of avoiding those kinds of conversations is the best approach.
