Quote from Matthew Whitewood on April 17, 2021, 7:14 am

Recently, Partner A wanted to change the meeting time last minute just the night before the meeting.
So we changed the meeting time.
Then Partner B messaged us 30 minutes before the meeting that he will be late.
And he came on late by 30 minutes.

Addressing the Last Minute Scheduling

Me: I need to address this.
Re-scheduling and delaying meetings at the last minute messes up my schedule and wastes quite a bit of time.
As such, I don't think it's fair or productive.

Partner A: I had something last minute that came up yesterday. It wasn't in my control so I had to give a last-minute notice.

Me: I think it's a matter of priority.
Sometimes I decline last minute matters to make our meeting a priority.
So there's a bit of sacrifice.
So I don't think it's fair if these events happen too often, and they interfere with our meetings.

Partner A: I understand what Matthew is saying. (doesn't say much about this)

Addressing the Lateness

Me: I think that we should also not accept meeting timings if we think we cannot make the timing.
We can decline or propose another timing.

Partner B: The last minute issues was quite tough.
I had to rush back to my house through the traffic.
So I understand that it's quite a bit of hassle for everyone when timings change.

Me: I understand. So if we cannot meet a timing conveniently in the future, let's say that and propose another timing.

Being Framed or Viewed As Stickler for the Rules

I felt that these 2 partners were not respectful of my time and schedule.
But they seemed to think that I'm not being flexible from their tone and feedback.

I got this feeling from this interaction. (the person who is 30 mins late)
I was using a stronger, a bit agitated tone, and he was using a calmer tone throughout.

Partner B: I don't think we should be sticklers for the timing for the meetings.
(indirectly framing me as stickler for the rules; indirect because he addressed the group rather than me through we although it was quite obviously directed at me)

Me: I don't think it's fair that you frame me as being a stickler for time.
I think it's important to be respectful of other people's schedule and time.

Partner B: I was referring to the time.
I think sometimes maybe our scheduled timings could be shifted around to cater to other people's schedule.
Though I understand that advanced warning could be better. (he sort of stole the frame to sound like the logical problem-solving person)

Sometimes last minute things happen, and we may need to re-schedule.
I'm thinking how we should go about that.

Me: Re-scheduling is fine.
But I think we should give advanced notice.

Partner B: What if we can't give advanced notice?

Me: I think that we shouldn't assume others will be able to change their schedule to meeting a new proposed timing at the last minute.
We could cancel the scheduled meeting and meet at the subsequent scheduled meeting.
I think if others want to continue with the meeting, we can do that as well.
In this way, we don't disrupt anyone's schedule.

Partner B: Okay let's do that. Then it's easier for everyone.

Me: (Decides to move on) Would you like to discuss about another topic? (using another topic is probably not the best wording)
(I should use a more leader-like statement to move on quickly once a dispute is closed.
"Thanks a lot for understanding.
I have something which both of you would be interested in discussing today.
Here is what it is: ...")

Why I Feel Disrespected? Probably the General Approach Towards My Time

I realised that I feel disrespected often more from the general approach people interact with me than the tangible loss in time or the outcome.
This is also the case here.
So I didn't really address the main issue.
I addressed the side issues of losing time and messing up my schedule instead.

In general, I feel that they were not very respectful whenever they brought up changes to times and schedules.
I felt like it was too casual, and they make it sound like no big deal which implies they have the liberty to change the agreed timing to something else as they wish.

When I have a good relationship with a person, I feel less disrespected when he proposes a change in timing at the last minute.
I think proposing a change in timing at the last minute is like drawing from the social bank account.

Analysing the Results

Objective

The good thing is that I got my message across that my time and schedule is important.
I think they will have greater respect for my time in the future.
In this aspect, I think that it went okay.

Vibe and Tone

I think I was a bit agitated and angry but kept control of my voice and feeling relatively well.
But it showed a bit through my tone and facial expressions.
Maybe I should have taken more time to cool down in the future.

This affected the mood of the meeting and the subsequent discussions.
As such, I think that I didn't handle this in the best manner.
They were talking about generic things and sounded more submissive in general.

I managed to plunge ahead by discussing some concrete things.
So the meeting vibe got better and better towards the end.

Value & Perspective Around Time

Maybe we have different values and perspective around time.
For me, I prefer to compromise less with regards to time.
Though I feel the boundaries that I have set to defend my time and schedule are fair.

It seems that I have met quite a few people who don't really view time as something to be taken seriously.
These people I met don't really view 10 minutes and 10 dollars as resources in the same sense.
I often feel disrespected when working with them, but maybe I realise it's a value issue.

People View Punctuality As Less Important in Remote Working?

We talked about remote working in another thread.
I feel that people view punctuality as less important because they sort of emotionally feel like they are not meeting a physical person.
So turning up to video meetings and phone calls on time are not emotionally felt as so important.

Overall

I feel happy that I brought this issue up even though not in the best way.
I drew the boundaries imperfectly, maybe ruffled some feathers, but eventually, we moved on from the interaction and discussed topics in a collaborative manner.

Where to Go From Here?

I'm thinking of the following possibilities:

• Ask if I was asking for too much or whether my boundaries were fair
  • I don't think this is a good option as it may weaken the boundary that I have set
  • I need to get used to the feeling of drawing boundaries as uncomfortable and not needing to get the other person to give acknowledgement to my boundaries. As long as it's respected, that's good enough
• Observe how people treat your time and schedule from now onwards
  • Do people carry any resentment because you drew boundaries a bit imperfectly today?