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Awareness of (covert) power moves in my daily life - examples
Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on July 11, 2022, 10:14 pmOh wow, what a next level sneaky fuck that Dean.
In these cases, my take is that the more you engage, the more flank you give to these types of people.
Seems like his objective was to tarnish Mary's reputation, and that's what he was also doing with you -really a lowlife move-.
You went assertive, which is OK.
The thing is... Sneaky fucks don't deserve assertive -it's time-consuming and high investment, can make you enemies you don't want, and still involves you in the interaction, both timewise, and emotional-.As soon as you smelled the rancid, I'd have kept my replies more spaced out in time, and far briefer.
The reason is simple, yet so effective:
The more out of reach you are, both in time and emotionally, the more out of reach you are for his games and manipulations.
As for maximum effectiveness, it's "out of reach, but still with just enough politeness and responsiveness to avoid a total cut".
So:
Him:Â Mary is threatening suicide and won't answer my calls. I'm kind of panicking, can you call her? Please, I'm sorry. I just don't know what to do. I called the police. I really don't know what to do.
You: (5h later) hey Dean, sorry the delay, only see this now after a long day. Worry not, Mary is a cool lady, she'll be fine. Stay strong (slight power move on your own. Sub-communication being: you're the bitch who's panicking for nothing)
After that, expect he contacts you right away saying that no, Mary is not ok.
To which, you do not reply. Then the day after or later say something like "so nice of you to worry about her, but trust she's good :). Cheers Dean!"
Haha, I do really appreciate the mindset, Lucio.
After that I did feel that this interaction was unnecessarily long, as sneaky people don't deserve my (or anyone's, really) time and attention. I appreciate that your message remained cool, calm, polite, positive, and detached. Lesson learnt!
Quote from Emily on July 12, 2022, 4:51 amHaha, I do really appreciate the mindset, Lucio.
After that I did feel that this interaction was unnecessarily long, as sneaky people don't deserve my (or anyone's, really) time and attention. I appreciate that your message remained cool, calm, polite, positive, and detached. Lesson learnt!
Exactly.
On the surface, you're warm-ish and friendly enough.
In practice, you are distant and unavailable for his games.
This way you also set up the correct power dynamics: without you being rude, he is chasing you -and failing- and inconveniencing you.
Rinse and repeat a few times if needed, and the message is loud and clear: go somewhere else.
The high-level strategy is a corollary of the very simple "make friends, not enemies".
You stay out of it, keep him distant, do so at low investment, and don't make any more enemies and frenemies than necessary.
