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Bel's thoughts

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Hi Guys! Just some sparse thoughts I wanted to record here for my future self.

I am currently in a phase where I am expending more effort in thinking and planning how to act power-wise than in every other endeavor (work, private life, social life, etc.).

I am seeing my work suffer a bit from my new way of behaving. I think this is linked to making mistakes I didn't make before. While I was more power-down, I was consistently power-down; now people probably find me sketchy in my behavior, and several people and clients had somewhat of a distancing reaction.

I also see a new trend in my life consisting in an increase in behaviors from others meant to disempower me, both in my private life and in my work life. It's as if people don't believe I am really changing deep down, and/or are trying to keep me down power-wise. I am referring both to people who used to already know me, and to people I meet now. Or maybe I am just seeing things I didn’t see before. Or a combination of the two.

Or I may be things that are disrespecting others by not calibrating well my reactions.

My social life is also suffering. I used to accept everything and everyone, and now I am (almost) at the opposite end of the spectrum.

I am still processing some suffering from my past way of being.

I feel somewhat stuck. It was a long time that I felt unable to know where I was going in my life. I find myself there again now.

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Lucio BuffalmanoJohn Freeman

Hello Bel,

props to you. It means you’re improving. It’s called the pain period because you’re confronting the bullshit inside of you.

This part is not you. That’s very important to know. I would kindly recommend a therapist as it helped me a lot.

I would also recommend to feel these disagreeable emotions to be able to let them go.

Go forth!

Lucio Buffalmano has reacted to this post.
Lucio Buffalmano

Welcome to the journaling side, Bel :).

Yeah I think you're self-analyzing correctly and I'd also agree based on a few posts that you may be swinging on the opposite direction.

And same as John, I believe that's a case of temporary, healthy over-correction.

Bel has reacted to this post.
Bel
Have you read the forum guidelines for effective communication already?

Thanks Guys!

I'm finding it difficult to calibrate everything I'm learning here, which is a testament to the enormous teachings of The Power Moves and of this community!

Let's just hope I don't destroy everything in my life while over-correcting 🙂

Quote from Bel on May 30, 2022, 1:20 pm

I am seeing my work suffer a bit from my new way of behaving. I think this is linked to making mistakes I didn't make before. While I was more power-down, I was consistently power-down; now people probably find me sketchy in my behavior, and several people and clients had somewhat of a distancing reaction.

This is kinda telling. It reminds me of another thing I tried: non-violent communication (NVC). The author says that learning NVC is like learning a new language. The first times you try it it will sound bad. And it did for me. My gf at the time would say "Are you trying that NVC thing on me?". It was silly. You sound like a robot (and you are trying to have empathy lol).

It could well be that TPM stuff, when put into practice as a beginner, makes you look out of touch.

It's only with lots of practice that things look smooth again. Just a theory. I'm not at the point where I use TPM stuff for daily activities. But perhaps in my case it's not that needed because running my own company I'm rarely in a power-down position.

My social life is also suffering. I used to accept everything and everyone, and now I am (almost) at the opposite end of the spectrum.

I am still processing some suffering from my past way of being.

I feel somewhat stuck. It was a long time that I felt unable to know where I was going in my life. I find myself there again now.

This is normal. It's a consequence of the 'beginner effect' I'm describing that I noticed with NVC.

Making a big generalization here! By all means doublecheck my thinking!

 

My social life is also suffering. I used to accept everything and everyone, and now I am (almost) at the opposite end of the spectrum.

I am still processing some suffering from my past way of being.

I feel somewhat stuck. It was a long time that I felt unable to know where I was going in my life. I find myself there again now.

 

Bel has reacted to this post.
Bel

Two thoughts that came into my mind.

1. Positives in being the recipient of power moves and disrespect

While formerly I used to think disrespect from others was a negative thing in itself, because it would disempower me, I understand now that there is a level ("eagle level?") where one can relish the fact that some other person may power-move or disrespect him.

One, because - as Lucio said in another thread - this surfaces the "real character" of the other person and allows the recipient to better decide if and how to get involved.

Two because this allows the recipient to learn to address these moves.

And three, because - if the recipient of disrespect addresses power moves correctly - he will invariably come out on top of the "bad guy".

In a way, it is as if the bad guys are doing the recipient a favor.

2. Stock answer for being tasked on things you were going to do anyway

The Ben & Charlie video portion of the lesson in PU, it seems, contains a very good stock answer for addressing these tasking situations:

That's exactly what I was going to do.

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Lucio BuffalmanoJohn Freeman

From this post by Lucio I got the incredible power of the D(E)SOE format for assertive communication, which I had read in PU but not really "understood" before.

My "unconscious thinking" here was (and maybe still is?) that it is somewhat dangerous to speak clearly.

And I also got the knowledge that it is particularly powerful when the "outcome" includes a reward for the other party, as this closes all possible avenues for push-back (outline below is mine):

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on May 31, 2022, 1:51 am

I received the files on date X, not Y as it was initially stated.
Going forward, I expect and appreciate more honest communication.
If X company needs time to produce the files, that can be OK. We can talk about that. No need to "gain time" with long detours.

Lucio Buffalmano has reacted to this post.
Lucio Buffalmano

The fear of rejection and push-back is real. That is the fear of conflict.

However, there is more rewards in not being afraid than from being afraid.

So it's a matter of experimenting. Also a change of mindset.

You deserve respect! Believe it 🙂

Thanks John, I didn’t really think I didn’t deserve it but thanks 🙂

But, you are right and extremely perceptive in that fear of conflict is still part of my personal equation, it was my next note in fact. So here it is:

I realized today I still have some fear of conflict. That is unfortunate and disappointing, especially considering my work area. But I’ll deal with it.

Lucio Buffalmano has reacted to this post.
Lucio Buffalmano

Yes you are currently dealing with it.

Clarification: self-respect is part of fear of conflict.

1. If I’m afraid to confront the other it means that I value more the harmony or avoiding disagreeable emotions than to get respected.

2. If during a conflict I let the other person win and/or submit because of a fear of rejection or another fear of some sort, I disrespect my right of fair share/justice.

These are not always conscious, it’s habitual learned behavior. The first part is becoming conscious of it to change it.

I also think that I deserve respect. Do my actions always reflect that? No. Because deep inside there are automatic thought patterns and behavior that were built based on my previous experiences.

What I learn from TPM is to put self-respect first and foremost. It’s a tall order!

Of course strategically sometimes you have to let other people win.

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Belleaderoffun
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