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Blind Spot In My Social Intelligence

Whenever I get in conflict with people which is rarely because I am pretty unreactive and mostly just ignore rude people. People around me start to get really overly sensitive towards the things I say. Which in my opinion are not that bad. I see people criticize others all the time and nobody cares. But when I do it people just snap.

But it's just kind of scary because I seem to be the only one I know ever with this problem. Can someone give me some insight into why this is occurring. I feel it would help to understand why. Or give me some advice that may help. Thank you.

selffriend has reacted to this post.
selffriend

It could be the case where you are hanging around some manipulative people who use covert aggression.

Do you have an example conversation for us to understand the dynamics better?

selffriend has reacted to this post.
selffriend

I think you are  right that I do hang around people who use covert aggression and who are manipulative.  Also it seems like whenever I am aggressive back it makes me look bad (Not just people I know but strangers too).

I don't have any word for word interactions. Because I am so unreactive there are no word for word examples. But I am a older man who has lived life long enough to see the pattern.

Hey Jack,

Unluckily what Matthew asks is important.
Blind spots -and all social behavior, really- are not easy to troubleshoot without seeing the interaction, or with some concrete examples. Without those, we're throwing darts in the dark.

Some other reasons why that might the case:

  • Calibration: You do not calibrate well enough and come across as over-aggressive (we had some cases in the forum, me included)
  • Cold-blooded feeling: You speak calmly, but your words "cut", and that feels to people like cold-blooded criticism, which sometimes hits harder
  • Dominance: People WANT you to remain quiet and submissive, and when they perceive you're tyring to gain personal power, they go into overdrive to "put you back in your place"
  • Volcano erupting effect: when people don't hear anything from you, they think "all is good with Jack, the guy is just so chill about everything". But then when you say something, they think that it might be really a big thing if you, who usually keeps it quiet, is now speaking up about it. It becomes a "big thing" compared to your previous states

Plus, what Matthew says: it might be a company of more manipulative people and/or people who engage in a lot of social climbing within the group.

 

selffriend has reacted to this post.
selffriend
Have you read the forum guidelines for effective communication already?
Quote from JackGD on April 10, 2021, 11:11 am

I think you are  right that I do hang around people who use covert aggression and who are manipulative.  Also it seems like whenever I am aggressive back it makes me look bad (Not just people I know but strangers too).

I don't have any word for word interactions. Because I am so unreactive there are no word for word examples. But I am a older man who has lived life long enough to see the pattern.

Hi, JackGD, you could come-up-with a hypothetical word-by-word example so we can have a deeper analysis.

Lucio Buffalmano has reacted to this post.
Lucio Buffalmano
Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on April 10, 2021, 4:39 pm

Hey Jack,

Unluckily what Matthew asks is important.
Blind spots -and all social behavior, really- are not easy to troubleshoot without seeing the interaction, or with some concrete examples. Without those, we're throwing darts in the dark.

Some other reasons why that might the case:

  • Calibration: You do not calibrate well enough and come across as over-aggressive (we had some cases in the forum, me included)
  • Cold-blooded feeling: You speak calmly, but your words "cut", and that feels to people like cold-blooded criticism, which sometimes hits harder
  • Dominance: People WANT you to remain quiet and submissive, and when they perceive you're tyring to gain personal power, they go into overdrive to "put you back in your place"
  • Volcano erupting effect: when people don't hear anything from you, they think "all is good with Jack, the guy is just so chill about everything". But then when you say something, they think that it might be really a big thing if you, who usually keeps it quiet, is now speaking up about it. It becomes a "big thing" compared to your previous states

Plus, what Matthew says: it might be a company of more manipulative people and/or people who engage in a lot of social climbing within the group.

 

Thanks for the insight. I think it is a few of these reasons actually (At different times and different reasons). My default way of dealing with things is to ignore them. and you mentioned that is a good thing in your power university course. I do actually come from a place of truly not caring. However I think it is being interpreted as being submissive and quiet instead. You mentioned that it can be interpreted this way and gave a solution. Do you have anything else to add? I am introverted so I think it is easy to mistake it as being submissive. I being  inroverted leads people to believe I have low self esteem when I do not etc.

selffriend has reacted to this post.
selffriend

Yeah, it's probably a mix of all of them.

I think it's a great mindset and approach to generally not care too much.
It's often been my approach as well -and a great attitude to sidestep the small pond trap-.

However, and this is the key, there is a difference between the guy who's flying higher than the games -that is is usually a cool guy "doing his thing"-, and the guy who's below the games because he doesn't see them, because he suffers in silence, or because he can't cope with it -that's the submissive guy-.

So you want to make sure people know it's the former.

Enforcing boundaries is one way of doing that.
And the whole course / website is structured to make sure people are the former and not the latter.

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Transitionedselffriend
Have you read the forum guidelines for effective communication already?
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