Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on December 16, 2021, 7:40 am

Seems like good convo, Matthew.

Personally, I'd have gone for the honest, "cards on the table" approach:

I was looking you up and I found out you did physics research

Let him talk, then:

Yeah, cool, I've also started with physics research, that's why it caught my eyes

Then go deeper and explore the similarity.

And a small trick, rather than "I'm guessing", I'd go for "your name sounds X".
That way, you don't lose power by "guessing wrong". Plus, it makes people feel their boundaries are more respected when people aren't taking guesses about them but are instead listening.

The "one of the best beers" in Prague and the German reference was a good one :).
Was it Pilsner Urquell?

Quote from Matthew Whitewood on December 16, 2021, 8:03 am

Could be :).
I only remember the beers were cheap and good in Prague.

I was going for the slowly reveal your cards approach.
He did research 20 years ago before going into finance so I thought gradual could be good.
Do you feel that the show-hand approach would be better?

I see what you mean by "sounds X" rather than "I'm guessing".
I will give that a go in the future.

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on December 16, 2021, 1:37 pm

Quote from Matthew Whitewood on December 16, 2021, 8:03 am

Do you feel that the show-hand approach would be better?

I think you achieve almost the same effect, and also a great opportunity to showcase honesty.

Plus, it shows that you're a guy who does his research before going out and meeting someone, and that's a good trait.

It's a small power move to reveal you gathered info about someone, but it's a positive one.

Edit:
I remember once I texted a woman and later met her. And towards the end of the date she revealed she had found out who I was and what I did by combining number and name.
And I thought "smart girl, I like that".
She then proceeded to lose a few points by trying to guess that "I probably didn't make much money", but hey, nobody's perfect :D

Quote from Matthew Whitewood on December 16, 2021, 5:01 pm

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on December 16, 2021, 1:37 pm

Quote from Matthew Whitewood on December 16, 2021, 8:03 am

Do you feel that the show-hand approach would be better?

I think you achieve almost the same effect, and also a great opportunity to showcase honesty.

Plus, it shows that you're a guy who does his research before going out and meeting someone, and that's a good trait.

It's a small power move to reveal you gathered info about someone, but it's a positive one.

I can see where I may be misunderstanding the dynamics.

When does due diligence cross over into stalking?

I think if I spend 5-15 minutes to find someone's LinkedIn to find out about his professional background, that's due diligence.
This due diligence gives you more power because you can navigate the conversation more effectively.
It's value-adding because I bother to find out about his interests so that discussing interests becomes more efficient, and I can bring relevance to the conversation.

If I dig into his family background and find out all his ex-girlfriends, that's stalking.
This is stalking because you invade someone's privacy and spend too much time on a single person so it's low power.

What about business-to-business (B2B) sales conversations?
Usually,

• As due diligence, I find out the background of the company and the individuals involved
• I state the context briefly.
  I ask leading questions to dig deeper based on the context that I have done my due diligence on
• I build rapport

I think I could use this method to build rapport by saying "I have looked you up and found out you did physics research.".
Now that I think of it, I probably have done that before.
People are often flattered when you know about their work. (unless they are famous like Jordan Peterson)

Edit:
I remember once I texted a woman and later met her. And towards the end of the date she revealed she had found out who I was and what I did by combining number and name.
And I thought "smart girl, I like that".
She then proceeded to lose a few points by trying to guess that "I probably didn't make much money", but hey, nobody's perfect 😀

Wow, that's an interesting example.
Do you think that it would be better if she revealed right at the start?
I get the feeling that it would be over-investing in the dating context.
Right at the end, if both parties vibe well, then it makes sense to reveal.

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on December 17, 2021, 9:19 am

Quote from Matthew Whitewood on December 16, 2021, 5:01 pm

I can see where I may be misunderstanding the dynamics.

When does due diligence cross over into stalking?

I think if I spend 5-15 minutes to find someone's LinkedIn to find out about his professional background, that's due diligence.
This due diligence gives you more power because you can navigate the conversation more effectively.
It's value-adding because I bother to find out about his interests so that discussing interests becomes more efficient, and I can bring relevance to the conversation.

If I dig into his family background and find out all his ex-girlfriends, that's stalking.
This is stalking because you invade someone's privacy and spend too much time on a single person so it's low power.

Yeah, it's a continuum, and different individuals most likely have different thresholds of when they feel "being stalked" or "annoyed at the background checks".

But the example you share seems pretty spot-on for when and where to draw the lines.

If one wants to make sure, he might simply frame it as such:

I usually look people up before meeting them, just to have an idea who I'm meeting you know, and I quickly glanced at your Linkedin profile and I've seen that you...

So you frame it as a process you follow.

It becomes about what you do to everyone, rather than you snooping into him as a specific individual.

Quote from Matthew Whitewood on December 17, 2021, 10:36 am

Makes a lot of sense, thanks a lot for the advice.
It has indeed become a normal process for me.

I realised company-wise, it's much safer to reveal more because it's impersonal and expected, value-adding due diligence.
A salesperson should know about the client's business as much as possible.
So especially for B2B sales, you can mention that you read about their products, services, history and events in a few places.

Sometimes even contentious matters like lawsuits and scandals if you can potentially add value.
I may go indirect in those cases like what I did for this guy because of the potentially sensitive and uncomfortable nature of the topic.

Maybe I should be doing this process more for dating as well.