Former Community – We Moved
🆕 Coached community here, for posts & feedback public community here.
Can doing things for you be a power move?
Recently my parents try to do things for me or choose for me and it seems off.
Things like when I go shopping with them and looking for footwear or a suit and they keep telling me to "but this and this, not that, that's bad." is obviously a way to dominate you by "I know what you need better than you" so it's not hard to see and fight against.
But doing things for me is more peculiar, for example asking if I am hungry and telling me to go for food and I think "sure, I can bring food and you will make a meal for both of us" and then it turns out he made the food for me only.
Another example with me going to clean a glass after drinking and one of them saying "give me that, you do it wrong", and proceed to wash it more thoroughly.
They could always say "clean it better" if they thought I'm not doing it well enough and I would have no problem with that but instead they prefer to just do it for me and then lecture me.
Seems odd to me, in one way, I gain, because I don't have to do something, on the other hand, why would they do it? They rarely did something like that in the past, as this is a thing you do for small children.
I see that it may be a way to make me more dependent on them and make their acts of authority more justified.
I wonder though to what extent should I fight with it. I fight with every try to make me look like a child and it's quite effective in stopping them or making them backtrack. And while trying to convince me forcefully is annoying, it doesn't sway my decision too badly and they still can give some good arguments or advice ( they are older and more experienced ).
I also like when they do stuff for me, I have a job, I am disciplined, so it's not like I will grow dependent just like that and gives me more time to do my things ( bar the situations like with the glass, those are just ridiculous ).
Maybe they want to be more involved, but they do their power moves to get more control because that's how most humans are. I think I can make win-win out of it, with them having some feeling of authority and me blocking all the disempowering parts.
That's how I analyzed the situation, can there be dangers in this that I am not seeing? If there is some blog post or topic that further talks about it or if you have some ideas or outlook on the situation, feel free to share it.
Hey, DGX37
I believe doing things for you can be a power move. I think PU tackles the cases where someone do something meaningless to keep you in "debt", and then you're more likely to say yes when they ask you for big favors. It's definetely something to keep an eye open for.
In this case, though, it seems your parents never ask for anything back. But one day they can and you'll be in an awkward position to decline. Maybe they're not ill-intended, but, yes, it's a possibility that, subconsciously, they're trying to keep their power and influence over you. The examples you give are clear power moves:
give me that, you do it wrong
No power protecting, curt, insulting indeed. But even if they didn't say anything like that, I believe you are right when you think something is off. Letting your parents do minor things too often for you is disempowering to you, because it does frame you as a spoiled child who needs help, even when this comes from a place of caring. It's very unlikely that they'll drop it when there is someone else in the room - and this is very unflattering for your reputation (something that, yes, we should mind). And we may get used to be in a "value-taking" position and develop bad habits.
And one day they may decide to collect their "debts", and that's when they frame you as an ungrateful son.
My strategy here would be:
1. Check whether I'm doing things effectively (cleaning or whatever). If not, watch and learn, but take control of my learning process. I might do it like this:
Ah, ok. Thanks for showing me, mom/dad. Here, watch me try again with this one. Is this right?
Get my validation, do that from now on. As you are young, even if you can take care of yourself, it's very likely that you'll need help from your parents later. We all do. So it'll be better not to act as you know everything now. Deal with them in a similar way you deal with your boss.
2. Start doing the same for them. They do meaningless tasks for me, I do meaningless tasks for them. Nobody gets credit in their accounts, nobody can leverage that later.
3. Assertively ask for more respect when they address me too curtly. I could say something like
Mom/dad, first of all, thanks. I do appreciate you showing me how things are done when I need to. But when you speak like that, I don't feel you're treating me with the respect I deserve.
I'd avoid confronting them too abruptly because, in a way, they're giving. That makes it harder for you to call out the game. You don't want that giving to stop, so you match their giving. If the giving continues and you're giving, then it's win-win. If it's a game, then the game will likely stop because it depends on an imbalance between giving and taking.
Making me go in debt makes a lot of sense when I think about it.
Quote from Kavalier on August 20, 2023, 5:46 amIt's very unlikely that they'll drop it when there is someone else in the room - and this is very unflattering for your reputation (something that, yes, we should mind).
I see, that's definitely a danger too. I understand, you should protect yourself even in private because if you solidify the dynamic of disempowering there, it will often seep to the public life too, and that's ignoring that it becomes hard to change in the future.
Check whether I'm doing things effectively (cleaning or whatever). If not, watch and learn, but take control of my learning process. I might do it like this:
Ah, ok. Thanks for showing me, mom/dad. Here, watch me try again with this one. Is this right?
That's exactly what I'm trying to do ( and will do from now on )! Instead of letting them do the easy things, insist on doing it yourself and ask them how you should be doing it. Then they have no excuse to complain.
I wondered if there's something wrong in the interaction but now I know what situations to avoid even if they seem value up for me in the short term.
Thank you a lot.
I agree with Kavalier that these are (very common, unfortunately) forms of infantilization.
The objective is usually multi-pronged:
- keep you as much as possible in a state of being incapable of learning new things (because the “do-it-yourself practice” element of learning is removed as a possibility, since they take control of it)
- reinforce the teacher frame and make you adopt a learner frame
- reinforce their self-importance as “needed” in your life
- cement the frame that you are “incapable” of doing things unless you have their “help”
- remove your ability to make decisions
- cement the frame that you need them to make decisions for you.
The dynamics do not necessarily require them actually doing things. Even unrequested comments can work, as in
Son: I am going to repair the light.
Father: Do you know you need to remove electricity?
Usually the dynamics operate on a slippery slope. The more you accept the dynamics on a small scale, the more they will do the same on a bigger scale and for more important things and decisions.
Often (not always), in my experience, these dynamics are also accompanied by “wrong teaching”, in the sense that the parents are likely to omit useful details, give false or wrong instructions, and in general sabotage the learning process in other ways.
Also, the decision are often (not always) self-serving to the parents, while presented in the best interest of the child.
This is why I personally would not ask for guidance to them, unless in a perfunctory and “fake” way.
My personal strategy would be instead to detach as much as possible and separate the activities and choices from their visibility and comments, if possible.
If not, I agree that a certain degree of checking these dynamics is essential unless one wants to self-cement the frame that one is incapable of doing things and making decisions.
