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Case study: J. The Jester

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Hello Kavalier,

thank you very much for your answer (Tussen takk? Danke sehr?). That is what I'm learning these day:

To defend and go back to funny. If you defend properly (assertively) but don't make a joke out of it. Outsiders will respect you for your dominance (but could be afraid to be the target of your dominance). The other person will respect you as well but you will damage the relationship.

So you can assertively defend and just laugh. That's already better than plain serious and flat tone. Of course then you can turn it into a joke and it's more advanced.

Yes, social climbing at its best. What if we thread-expand on the frame that he is a jester? For example, every time he makes a joke and you don't have an answer to it, you might laugh along and say something like "Man, this guy is a genious comedian" or "This guy definetely should do some stand-up". In a video in PU's lesson about jesters, a host tried to do that. Sure, he handles the situation very poorly, as Lucio explains in detail. But If you do this laughing and finding it genuinely amusing, this is quite a judge power move. You might even put an arm around him, or if  you are stronger and are really laughing out loud, you can even pull him towards you in a way that shows that you are being warm, but displaying some physical dominance.

That's a great one. Just perfect. I'll do that.

You are welcome, John! I myself have trouble dealing with situations like this, so in this case we are helping each other. Thanks for the opportunity to study this together 🙂

Thank you as well! That's how I see it: we learn from one another. I know the jester type is challenging to defend against. So it was 100% sincere when I said this could be useful for everyone.

I'll sum up the strategies so far:

  • Collaboration over competition 
  • Validate him (to compensate for low self-esteem)
  • One-across instead of one-up him
  • Frame him as a jester and use it to dominate/judge him
Here are 2 other examples that can expand on the topic.
What a sportsman!
We went climbing just the two of us. We were not laughing that much as we lost some rapport. It was more like going to rock climb with a colleague.
He was going to run home after climbing. I said I was going to buy some tobacco.
Him: what a sportsman! Hahaha
Me: staying serious and silent
Him: ....
Him: well, if I had not been running I would have smoked a cigarette as well
So he knows that he's one-upping me and he's doing it out of envy.
But I did not send you a message
When we went climbing he proposed an activity for this week-end. To be honest with the loss of rapport I was not really eager. For me now we rock-climb together, see one another with the group and that's it. He proposed "we should do something this WE". I said "why not".
Come Sunday 7pm, I'm at a BBQ with colleagues on the lakeshore. On WhatsApp:
Me: Hello my gorgeous! (mirror technique: that's how he calls me. The "my" is a bit dominant so I use it back on him). I already have something tonight. But next time with pleasure!
Him: Was this message for me? (we already see the distance here)
Me: Yes
Him: But I did not send you a message (thinking emoji) (we see he thinks he's higher power than me: he thinks he's the chooser)
Him: What was it about then? (it's almost condescending, like I'm asking him a service)
Him: Did we talk about doing something? Don't remember (we see I'm not high priority to him, "forget" is a power move)
Me: Yes you proposed something (AKA: you were chasing, not me). It's alright, it happens (one-across, eagle-like)
Him: Ah yes when we went climbing it's true.
Him: Haha (does not invest, does not apologise, no further messages)
So as it happened many times I judged wrongly his character. I thought he was a more genuine, more generous person. I projected qualities on him he did not have. He wants to enjoy life. He does not care with whom, why how or when. I'm not a friend to him. I'm someone he can have fun with, rock-climb. That's it.
I realised that this is also a case of:
  • You liking your friend more than he likes you (past tense, now it changed)
  • Shallow relationship
  • Not having so much connection but thinking like you do (fun friendship and not deep friendship)
  • Cultural difference: I noticed that French people have a culture of one-upping one another. That's how they relate to one another. So there is a verbal joust element that is also a cultural difference with Switzerland. What is considered making fun of someone in Switzerland is considered good fun in France.

For me now I have all the information I need regarding him with this last WhatsApp exchange. I was a bit confused because of his warmth I thought we were good friends. That's a difference between southern and northern european people. Northern people are warm mostly with people they judge as friends or close ones. Southern people are warm with everyone. It's more enjoyable but it is also more superficial. I'm generalising there but I learned something. I actually like better authenticity.

Also, some people can be more authentic and yet less direct. This is becoming more subtle and I don't have a theory yet. People from south of France might look like they speak their mind but it does not mean they say all that they think. So it can be a source of mistake. You think they're being direct and honest but they're actually being selectively direct and honest.

Cheers!

Edit: because of all this condescending tone, now he's one of the person I want to bury with my results (Tom Bilyeu). I felt I did not get the respect I deserve from him.

My strategy will now to circumvent him. I'm going to make friends with his roommates and because I'll treat them better than he does they'll like me more. It's not an aggressive strategy. It's part of my "expanding my social circle strategy". It's a branch of it.

Kavalier has reacted to this post.
Kavalier

An update.

I learned through one of JB's friends that they were going to go down a river on boats about 2 weeks ago. He did not tell me. I asked him why he did not tell me and he was a bit embarrassed.

Yesterday I called him to talk about the details of this week-end. He was supposed to call me back yesterday evening as they are leaving this morning for a hike. No news. Going down the river is on Sunday.

Yesterday, I was with Bernard (fake name, B.) and he got invited in their "Going down the river WhatsApp group". I've not been invited in. So clearly there's something going on. I think he wants to be with his real friends. Anyway, it's interesting as I can now see he's a social strategist pretending not to be one.

What I learned: his group of his housesharing are actually leftists who like sports. So I don't fit totally and I can now acknolwedge it. However, I think it's a dick move from him not adding me to the group and not calling me yesterday.

Lucio Buffalmano and Kavalier have reacted to this post.
Lucio BuffalmanoKavalier
Hello, John!
Quote from John Freeman on July 23, 2022, 10:51 pm

Hello Kavalier,

thank you very much for your answer (Tussen takk? Danke sehr?).

Just realized you had asked me this before and I haven't answered yet, my bad. I'm from Brazil. Thank you for your interest!

That is what I'm learning these day:

To defend and go back to funny. If you defend properly (assertively) but don't make a joke out of it. Outsiders will respect you for your dominance (but could be afraid to be the target of your dominance). The other person will respect you as well but you will damage the relationship.

So you can assertively defend and just laugh. That's already better than plain serious and flat tone. Of course then you can turn it into a joke and it's more advanced.

So, go dominant for a little while just for shaking things a little bit and then build back the humorous tone to lead the group to fun again/show it was not a big deal. Yeah, there is a risk of damaging the relationship, but if we save it for when relationships are almost beyond repair (as it seems to be the case with J.B), then I think it's fair. We go back to Machiavelli here, better to be respected ("feared") than to be loved when we can't choose to be both, so it's definetely a good one. Thanks for sharing!

I'll sum up the strategies so far:

  • Collaboration over competition 
  • Validate him (to compensate for low self-esteem)
  • One-across instead of one-up him
  • Frame him as a jester and use it to dominate/judge him

It's very helpful, I'm going to add this one to my notes as well. Thanks for this too! You just gave me an idea! To keep short texts like this one in my phone so I can check it rapidly when some social challenge comes up (perhaps add one or two samples of what to say just in case). For example, we go to a pub and there is a jester fooling around and we didn't address it properly the first time. So we make a quick visit to the bathroom, reread the notes and if it comes up again, we deal with it in a better way. Even if  we don't get the opportunity to rebalance the interaction, it seems like a good way to evaluate past actions and learn on the fly. Do you do anything similar? Does it work for you?

Here are 2 other examples that can expand on the topic.
What a sportsman!
We went climbing just the two of us. We were not laughing that much as we lost some rapport. It was more like going to rock climb with a colleague.
He was going to run home after climbing. I said I was going to buy some tobacco.
Him: what a sportsman! Hahaha
Me: staying serious and silent
Him: ....
Him: well, if I had not been running I would have smoked a cigarette as well
So he knows that he's one-upping me and he's doing it out of envy.
But I did not send you a message
When we went climbing he proposed an activity for this week-end. To be honest with the loss of rapport I was not really eager. For me now we rock-climb together, see one another with the group and that's it. He proposed "we should do something this WE". I said "why not".
Come Sunday 7pm, I'm at a BBQ with colleagues on the lakeshore. On WhatsApp:
Me: Hello my gorgeous! (mirror technique: that's how he calls me. The "my" is a bit dominant so I use it back on him). I already have something tonight. But next time with pleasure!
Him: Was this message for me? (we already see the distance here)
Me: Yes
Him: But I did not send you a message (thinking emoji) (we see he thinks he's higher power than me: he thinks he's the chooser)
Him: What was it about then? (it's almost condescending, like I'm asking him a service)
Him: Did we talk about doing something? Don't remember (we see I'm not high priority to him, "forget" is a power move)
Me: Yes you proposed something (AKA: you were chasing, not me). It's alright, it happens (one-across, eagle-like)
Him: Ah yes when we went climbing it's true.
Him: Haha (does not invest, does not apologise, no further messages)
What a power player! You seem to be dealing well with this, though. He's already changing tack
So as it happened many times I judged wrongly his character. I thought he was a more genuine, more generous person. I projected qualities on him he did not have. He wants to enjoy life. He does not care with whom, why how or when. I'm not a friend to him. I'm someone he can have fun with, rock-climb. That's it.
I realised that this is also a case of:
  • You liking your friend more than he likes you (past tense, now it changed)
  • Shallow relationship
  • Not having so much connection but thinking like you do (fun friendship and not deep friendship)
  • Cultural difference: I noticed that French people have a culture of one-upping one another. That's how they relate to one another. So there is a verbal joust element that is also a cultural difference with Switzerland. What is considered making fun of someone in Switzerland is considered good fun in France.

I think it's good to know how to deal with people from different cultures too. I'm with you in this one. I like warmth, but I like it to be genuine.

Quote from John Freeman on July 30, 2022, 9:40 am

An update.

I learned through one of JB's friends that they were going to go down a river on boats about 2 weeks ago. He did not tell me. I asked him why he did not tell me and he was a bit embarrassed.

Yesterday I called him to talk about the details of this week-end. He was supposed to call me back yesterday evening as they are leaving this morning for a hike. No news. Going down the river is on Sunday.

Yesterday, I was with Bernard (fake name, B.) and he got invited in their "Going down the river WhatsApp group". I've not been invited in. So clearly there's something going on. I think he wants to be with his real friends. Anyway, it's interesting as I can now see he's a social strategist pretending not to be one.

What I learned: his group of his housesharing are actually leftists who like sports. So I don't fit totally and I can now acknolwedge it. However, I think it's a dick move from him not adding me to the group and not calling me yesterday.

Sorry for this. It's definitely a dick move. But at least now you have more info about the group and why there's a barrier that prevents you guys to connect.

I'm a leftist myself, but I don't let politics to get in the way of good friendships. I've learned that we can collaborate with and have deep friendships with people from all walks of life. I even prefer this, because this way I can get to hear different opinions and keep my own at balance.

It's sad that people like them don't think this way, though.

Thanks for keeping us updated! I learned a lot in this thread!

John Freeman has reacted to this post.
John Freeman

Entao Obrigado (no accent on my keyboard)!

Do you do anything similar? Does it work for you?

Yes I do it works. I use "Notebooks", it's a great app. I was looking for the 3 conditions that @lucio talked about when knowing who we can tell things to about a situation (knowing of the situation, political awareness) to do exactly that: take notes on my notebook. But I cannot find it anymore despite my searches. 🙁

Does anyone can help me find it again? 

Yeah, it goes beyond left and right, it's more a matter of open-mindedness. In France, people are identified by if they're from "the left" or "the right". So if you disagree with someone who identifies with the left, they will label you as "rightist", which in their mind is equal to "evil". "You cannot say this" is their favourite motto. Of course I can say this and think whatever I want. That's call freedom. Actually, these kinds of people you can find in every walk of life. They don't like their views to be challenged. They don't like changing opinions, basically.

So I learned that after you probe their political orientation, not to overtly disagree.

When I say "leftist", what I mean is that I despise the hypocrisy. The kind of people I'm talking about is people who thinks they're good people and that the other side is evil, while they are not better but think they are. Actually, they don't recognise that our behaviours are largely dictated by our socio-economic conditions. They are against "the rich". So it's like a big mess in their head, filled with self-justifications. And to me it's irritating because of the hypocrisy.

The relationship with JB is not beyond repair. However, now I have to go machiavellian with him. Now they games are beginning 🙂 . He wants to play? We're going to play. The difference is that my game is eagle and his game is turkey.

I'm glad you learned a lot. The more I study him, the more I can come up with strategies that I will share.

As you recognised now he knows that I know what he's up to. 

Example: today I send him a message: "Could you add me to the WhatsApp group? It's easier to organise this way." (I had the information that a group existed from the night before from a friend).

He said in the following minute: "Yep" and he added me. Well I had to insist because the first time it did not work.

So now he knows that I know what he's up to. So now he's on my radar.

My strategy

In the social arts, my strong suit is charm. I'm good at making people like me. I explained how to do it in another thread. Basically it's about being interested in other people and liking them for real. It's natural to me since I love people. However, this can be used as a strategy.

So I will start to charm the people from his group: his roommates. I will slowly incorporate them in activities I'm doing. Not out of vengeance but as a strategy to expand my social circle. (Well, a little bit out of vengeance, so I have to detach from it. But he hurt me and disrespected me. He thought I was dumb.

Every time I do an activity, I'll propose it to him last. So if he's available, cool. If he's not well the event is still ongoing.

Regarding the board game where he's winning, I will not be at the initiative of doing new games. It's not in my interest. I'm providing value. He's winning so he has interest to continue the game. I will let him ask me when we do another one. I will let him chase.

I'll still go rock climbing and do activities with him. However, I won't prioritise him and don't respect him as much. I gave him tons of value and he's been ungrateful. So it's not a war. However, it's me becoming higher power than him.

Kavalier has reacted to this post.
Kavalier
Quote from John Freeman on July 30, 2022, 10:25 pm

Entao Obrigado (no accent on my keyboard)!

Hey John, thank you very much for writing in my language!

Do you do anything similar? Does it work for you?

Yes I do it works. I use "Notebooks", it's a great app. I was looking for the 3 conditions that @lucio talked about when knowing who we can tell things to about a situation (knowing of the situation, political awareness) to do exactly that: take notes on my notebook. But I cannot find it anymore despite my searches. 🙁

Does anyone can help me find it again? 

Thanks for the tip! I'll look for it and install on my phone, it will be really helpful. I'm interested in these conditions. I'll also search for them and if I come accross them I'll link the thread here for us!

Yeah, it goes beyond left and right, it's more a matter of open-mindedness. In France, people are identified by if they're from "the left" or "the right". So if you disagree with someone who identifies with the left, they will label you as "rightist", which in their mind is equal to "evil". "You cannot say this" is their favourite motto. Of course I can say this and think whatever I want. That's call freedom. Actually, these kinds of people you can find in every walk of life. They don't like their views to be challenged. They don't like changing opinions, basically.

So I learned that after you probe their political orientation, not to overtly disagree.

When I say "leftist", what I mean is that I despise the hypocrisy. The kind of people I'm talking about is people who thinks they're good people and that the other side is evil, while they are not better but think they are. Actually, they don't recognise that our behaviours are largely dictated by our socio-economic conditions. They are against "the rich". So it's like a big mess in their head, filled with self-justifications. And to me it's irritating because of the hypocrisy.

Yeah man, I hate that. People deal with politics as if it were football. You could even ask them if they "cheer" for the left, or if they "cheer" for the right. At that point, it's beyond logic, so when I encounter people like this, I stay away from the topic and look for commonalities to connect . It it's a person that I like very much, I may still have a one-on-one conversation about the topic over a beer.

The relationship with JB is not beyond repair. However, now I have to go machiavellian with him. Now they games are beginning 🙂 . He wants to play? We're going to play. The difference is that my game is eagle and his game is turkey.

I think it's great that it's not beyond repair! Before TPM, I would have just dumped the friendship. Thanks to you guys now I know better, that we don't need to burn bridges – we can always steer the friendship to another direction.

I'm glad you learned a lot. The more I study him, the more I can come up with strategies that I will share.

As you recognised now he knows that I know what he's up to. 

Example: today I send him a message: "Could you add me to the WhatsApp group? It's easier to organise this way." (I had the information that a group existed from the night before from a friend).

He said in the following minute: "Yep" and he added me. Well I had to insist because the first time it did not work.

So now he knows that I know what he's up to. So now he's on my radar.

My strategy

In the social arts, my strong suit is charm. I'm good at making people like me. I explained how to do it in another thread. Basically it's about being interested in other people and liking them for real. It's natural to me since I love people. However, this can be used as a strategy.

So I will start to charm the people from his group: his roommates. I will slowly incorporate them in activities I'm doing. Not out of vengeance but as a strategy to expand my social circle. (Well, a little bit out of vengeance, so I have to detach from it. But he hurt me and disrespected me. He thought I was dumb.

Every time I do an activity, I'll propose it to him last. So if he's available, cool. If he's not well the event is still ongoing.

Regarding the board game where he's winning, I will not be at the initiative of doing new games. It's not in my interest. I'm providing value. He's winning so he has interest to continue the game. I will let him ask me when we do another one. I will let him chase.

I'll still go rock climbing and do activities with him. However, I won't prioritise him and don't respect him as much. I gave him tons of value and he's been ungrateful. So it's not a war. However, it's me becoming higher power than him.

I think it's a great strategy, John! Please, keep us updated, there is a lot to learn here. You have a very good card in your hand with that boardgame. Being competitive as he is, he'll be itching to chase — in no time!

John Freeman has reacted to this post.
John Freeman

Hello Kavalier,

of course, I'll keep you updated! Thanks for following up as well!

Descending the River

Yesterday we descended a river (about 4 hours) on buoys and inflatable boats. So JB organized it. As a reminder, I had to force my way into the event. We had a great time and I thanked him privately (not on purpose but good strategically, instead of public: empowering him).

I learned that he could have told us that inflatable boats where better than buoys (we struggled with our buoys while he had a big boat).

I learned that instead of waiting for us in the first half. He told us afterwards: "There was a rapid so I did not want to tie the boats in the first half". It's all good mate, but TELL US!

So he definitely hoard some information.

I could see how he talks with his best friend: they talked privately and softly. So they definitely have a strong leadership alliance here.

So yes, JB is the leader of his housesharing. If I want to stay part of it I will have to coax him.

I found that I actually belong: they're a group of adventurers and so am I. The difference is that I'm not as physically active/sportslike like they are. It's a good thing because I want to improve there.

When one of our friends was in trouble (swimming across the river), he actually laughed and people followed. Whereas I was encouraging him. We can see the difference in leadership style here.

I also found out he's a taker (light to medium): they were 2 people on his inflatable boat (his best friend and him). His best friend was paddling in the front while he was giving orders (basically to everyone) while laughing: "Come on guys paddle! Paddle harder!" as he was chilling in the back. He was lauging to be a taker (not putting effort while everyone was: all the boats were tied together during the 2nd half).

I confronted him at 3/4 of the descent:

Me: "Hey JB, I don't understand the nature of your tandem: he's paddling and you're not".

JB: "Hahaha, well I do the deadweight and aerodynamism"

So thanks to Lucio, I now recognize taker language and he's proud to be a taker.

He proposed to me to have a drink this week, so I think he also want to mend the relationship.

The friend I came to the descent with (Bernard, common friend through me, I introduced him to JB) he proposed to do a Pétanque the next day but not to me. (This is a common occurence now) I think he wants to increase the size of his group and leadership and sees me as competition. Everytime I propose something he's listening to gather information. As a reminder, it was me who proposed the first time the river descent.

I see that I have a lot to learn from him in terms of power, leadership and social strategies. Of course, I used counter-jokes and self-power protecting.

He thinks he knows better than other people and wants to be right.

At the end of the descent we were waiting for our kebab with Bernard while JB and his team went for their car. I feel something hitting my ass, I turn back and here is JB, all smiling. He was putting his paddle (stick side of it) like he was putting it into my ass (how disempowering is that?). They got lost while looking for the parking. I see all his friends looking at me with big eyes (I don't know if they were feeling ashamed for getting lost or if they were shocked by the disrespect). Next time I'll use the facial expression: "WTF man?"

What I understand now is that with him, it has to be a transactional relationship. We're not going to be good friends as I thought we would. Through this case study I learned a lot about him and I can see I projected qualities on him he did not have. He might be a bit narcisstic as he's not willing to work hard (entitlement) and has this superficial charm quality, which is typical.

I have to be careful when I'm with his group that he does not push me towards the bottom of the hierarchy as he's trying to do with jokes and other things.

So it's definitely a new social challenge like I had with Arnold. This time, it's more challenging in the sense that he's not an asshole to other people and can be friendly.

So basically, I have to be strategic and machiavellian with him to get access to his group of friends as I get them under my leadership.

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Kavalier

Hi John, it sounds like it's draining for you to deal with JB extensively. I feel this JB person is similar to my case study passive aggressive friend - generally not a bad person, can provide some social value, but with such a fragile ego and does knee-jerk things to regain his sense of control.

I see that you provide a lot of details, but sometimes we can see it in a higher level - what is my purpose with person? We want loose connections that we can hang out with and have a good time, be inspired to have new adventures together, to learn skills from etc.  For people to enter our most inner circle, they need to have good emotional skills and have largely had overcome their own wounds (ability to open up and bond deeply emotionally).

It seems to me that you enjoy hanging out with him for various relaxing activities but don't want to deal with his power-playing shenanigans. I agree with you that it's better to be more covert and slowly push him to the periphery, as straight talk is probably not effective for this type of person. It also seems to me that you worldview clashes with his somehow. I am also in the process of finding people I can resonate with better, as this fuels our personal identity - being true to our own values and comfortable hanging out with people who share the same.

 

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John FreemanKavalier

Hello Emily,

thanks for your answer. That is exactly what I was thinking after I wrote this. I would not say draining, but it is something that is using my attention and mental cycles. So I think this is also a sign that I'm dealing with a taker. It's not like when you deal with someone who trusts and respects you and after interacting with them you're fine. Its' the kind of people where there's always something off after you've interacting with them. It feels you never really understand them. They don't make themselves vulnerable.

The power play around the group is also not a good sign. It's true that I think we don't have the same Worldview. What he wants is not be too "stressed" and enjoy himself. Basically, to take but not give too much.

I think I will still see him but more superficially and less often. He's embedded in the group that I created so it will be challenging to do so. Also, we go climbing together.

He's the kind of person who only does what he wants and only care about what he likes. However, there are always other people and we have to take them into account. You cannot always do what you want. Also, if you don't want to put effort in your professional life, how can you expect to get the rewards?

Also, another red flag, it's through his influence that I started to smoke again. It's my responsibility, however he was not a good influence on me on this aspect. And it's the same story when I was 18 years old, I started to smoke through the influence of my "best friend" of the time. He happened to talk behind my back to the group. 15 years later I realized he was actually narcissist/taker. So this story resembles very much the previous one.

Once more, it's a person that has good connections and knows cool and good people. So it will be a challenge to navigate. However, now I know the strategy with these people: interact with them strategically and stroke their ego. There are more obvious narcissists and some who are more subtle to see.

That is one more reason to expand my social circle as I know people with whom there are not these problems. I actually realized some of them are in my profession and/or are nurses. Where we share the same values of protection, taking care of, reason, etc.

I am now more open to spend with time outside of work with colleagues since I don't feel burned anymore in my current rotation.

Thanks for your message. As you see it provoked some thoughts! 🙂

Kavalier and Bel have reacted to this post.
KavalierBel

Hey, John, I'm glad to hear that things are going great! That you actually fit in and the relationship is not beyond repair.

When one of our friends was in trouble (swimming across the river), he actually laughed and people followed. Whereas I was encouraging him. We can see the difference in leadership style here.

I also found out he's a taker (light to medium): they were 2 people on his inflatable boat (his best friend and him). His best friend was paddling in the front while he was giving orders (basically to everyone) while laughing: "Come on guys paddle! Paddle harder!" as he was chilling in the back. He was lauging to be a taker (not putting effort while everyone was: all the boats were tied together during the 2nd half).

This is great! Do this enough and people will pick up the difference in leadership style. I think it's also great for you when JB puts himself so far away from the group. While he goes in the front of everyody, "winning", you stay back with everyone else that is struggling – bonding, showing support, encouraging. That struggle you share can become an inner story you guys can talk about and JB won't even know what you are talking about, because he was far ahead "being the best".

I also found out he's a taker (light to medium): they were 2 people on his inflatable boat (his best friend and him). His best friend was paddling in the front while he was giving orders (basically to everyone) while laughing: "Come on guys paddle! Paddle harder!" as he was chilling in the back. He was lauging to be a taker (not putting effort while everyone was: all the boats were tied together during the 2nd half).

Man, if you can find an excuse to get this guy in your boat in the next adventure, he'll have a much better time. He'll think twice about hanging out with JB in the same boat again.

At the end of the descent we were waiting for our kebab with Bernard while JB and his team went for their car. I feel something hitting my ass, I turn back and here is JB, all smiling. He was putting his paddle (stick side of it) like he was putting it into my ass (how disempowering is that?). They got lost while looking for the parking. I see all his friends looking at me with big eyes (I don't know if they were feeling ashamed for getting lost or if they were shocked by the disrespect). Next time I'll use the facial expression: "WTF man?"

Now, this, for me, was a big deal. A light joke here and there is okay, but when it comes to my body, I think that a stronger reaction is suitable.

I'd not only use the facial expression, but I'd go high power here, out loud and showing some judge power. It suits this situation because this was a very big disrespect. And you had at least one person by your side: the guy you supported earlier when he was struggling to swim.

You: what the FUCK are you doing, man??? (do look aggressive, see him backtrack. Then charge again, go meta). What the hell, J.B, so sticking things up someone's ass is funny?? (you thread-expand on this so everybody is going to see you are not overreacting. They might have missed what happened. Also, if they are leftists, then they'll think this kind of joke is homophobic and borderline rapey, it'll look very bad for him). No, man, you crossed a line here. This was very, very invasive, and I cannot believe that an adult man in his 30s is capable of these low – even homophobic (help the leftists make this association; and you are also using their lingo, so you're showing you're part of the group) – kind of jokes.

Judging by how you told us they react, I believe others thought this as well, and I think it's important for people to see you not backing down from demanding respect. If you are chill and caring and hardly, if ever, get angry, this is a good situation to show a more aggressive side. Then you build him back, accept his apologies, and you go back having a good time.

 

John Freeman has reacted to this post.
John Freeman

Very good stuff, Kavalier, thank you so much! 🙂

Agreed 100% with all of it.

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Kavalier
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