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Choosing lose-win is socially savvy (or not)
Hello everyone,
In this post, I say:
Her: I saw you on Tinder and did not swipe right
You: I saw you as well and did not swipe right either (Note: this is a fact, I saw her and did not swipe right)
I considered saying that but I did not because I did not want to social climb on her. Also it would have been rapport-breaking: lose-lose. We would have both looked bad and it would have started an adversarial frame. Therefore I chose lose-win and let her win. I could not find a win-win solution on the spot.
I realize that I still use a submissive social strategy to maintain good relationships. I choose lose-win when I see that the interaction/conflict/confrontation is going nowhere or is going to cost us both.
I think that in certain cases with people you need something from (bosses, etc.) it is warranted. However, now I'm thinking that this is not good for me.
Behavioural pattern:
- Frame battle/confrontation/conflict
- I see that I cannot go win-win
- I go lose win (I lose) to end the conflict
- Resolution
However the consequences is that I lose some self-esteem/self-confidence for the sake of keeping the relationship. Also then I secretly resent the person for hurting me/dominating me. Therefore I like and respect less the person, but keep it to myself. After some time I heal and forgive. However, there is a larger distance that I keep, having learned from this experience.
In certain circumstances, I do:
- Frame battle/confrontation/conflict
- I see that I cannot go win-win
- I go win lose (I win)
- Resolution
I do the 2nd option when I'm in situations of power (at my place, with subordinates/people theoretically below me hierarchically, friends who need to be checked because they went over my boundaries too much/too often). I also do it when my self-esteem/self-worth is in question.
I understand submitting must be done strategically. However, for me it's sometimes difficult to notice when I do it out of a behavioural pattern because I'm afraid to be rejected/shunned by the group/person.
I'm curious to hear what you think about this.
Update
My own answer would be to improve my skills at one-crossing. I think this is one of the skills to defuse situations like this.
As a veeeery general high-level approach, I'd say that lose-lose is often preferable to lose-win.
Especially when learning.
Sometimes you'll go too far and think it was too much -and may be it was too much-, but you'll grow and learn faster that way.
Thank you very much for your answer!
I do agree. It's a social strategy that is currently outside of my comfort zone. However, I must grow bigger balls (fear of rejection) to go this way. I haven't had the courage yet to find the limit and risk going too far. Whereas I did in learning pick-up. So I will experiment as you propose. You had me at "but you'll grow and learn faster that way."
From your post, I imagine the answer if one has gone too far could be to backtrack a little:
Ok, I've been a bit too far on this one.
Quote from John Freeman on September 3, 2022, 4:49 pmBehavioural pattern:
- Frame battle/confrontation/conflict
- I see that I cannot go win-win
- I go lose win (I lose) to end the conflict
- Resolution
My unconscious (but wrong) reasoning was that going lose win would predispose the other person to reciprocate later by accepting a loss to repay my previous loss.
Instead what probably happens is that the other person is going to assume one can be trampled over.
Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on September 5, 2022, 7:49 pmAs a veeeery general high-level approach, I'd say that lose-lose is often preferable to lose-win.
Especially when learning.
Sometimes you'll go too far and think it was too much -and may be it was too much-, but you'll grow and learn faster that way.
This above is eye-opening.
