Classical Last Minute Resistance
Hello,
there is this girl that I met at a BBQ and I saw her once more when we had a drink and just hugged. Yesterday, she accepted to come to my place, where I cooked japanese for her and helped her with her french. Then we kissed and she was on my bed, we were fully clothed but I could not touch her boobs or sex. She touched mine and said: "I can touch but you cannot". She said the classical objection: "we're not doing anything" and I answered the classical answer: "who said anything about doing anything". Yet, we did not have sex and she went home. So I felt a bit disappointed but not too much as I know these games from such girls.
I don't want to date her, just to have some fun. I feel like I'm being taken advantage of as I've framed myself too much as boyfriend material and now she's not gonna have sex on the 2nd date. So my mistake of course.
My context: I've had rough patches in my job, friendships, family and dating and I'm getting back on top of things, getting my confidence back. I've now rebuilt some friendships and back into dating. The quality of some of the people around me in friendship is not where I want it to be, but I have to get some momentum going to amp up my confidence and be able to attract better people as my life improves.
I bought "Dating Power Dynamics" yesterday because just as in other parts of life, I'm tired of being played.
What do you think?
Would you let go of such manipulative woman? Would you just amp up your game?
My intention is to invite her in the future but drop her in my priorities as other girls start to enter in my life right now. She's a black girl and I never had a black girl, so it's one of my year's goal.
A few notes:
- Differentiate between "nasty games" and "fair strategies": we can't blame a woman who seeks a relationship to delay sex. That's a fair sexual strategy. On the other hand, it's also fair on your end to do all you can to get to sex
- But there was a hint of a "nasty game": when she said "I can touch you, but you can't touch me", that was a total power move. In my opinion and within my values, it could be classified as a "nasty" power move. You should have acted on that, or it could be the first step towards a manipulative / power imbalanced relationship
- Lover's frame is better for sex-only relationship: as you guessed and know already, dating as a lover is better for sex and fun-only relationships. Alternatively, it's the super-wealthy, throwing money around style, but that requires top 1% type of resources. It's possible you were too boyfriend candidate here and/or that your chemistry was good, but not super good from a sexual point of view
- Being cool with dates that won't lead to sex: I think a healthy way of dating is to accept that with some women you won't click, or you have different goals, and you will not become intimate. That might also include home-pulls (personally, I have a relatively low "home to sex" ratio, and that's because I bring home the majority of my first dates. Lessening the disappointment for dates and home puls that did not lead to sex was a big step forward in my development, and you seem to be there already)
- It's better not to go back: ideally, seductions follow a progression towards intimacy. If you think that sex will not happen, then it's best not to invite the girl home on the first date, rather than inviting her home, not having sex, and then meeting her on a second date without going back home (I break that rule often, but it's a conscious choice)
In your case, I would see the girl again.
Not necessarily saying you must do the same, but what I might do, is to invite her home again. Tell her to cook something she likes, and you will get a nice Chianti, plus some specialty from your culture, and you will have a nice dinner together.
Hello,
I read your post a few days ago, thank you very helpful.
- Differentiate between "nasty games" and "fair strategies": agreed 100%
- But there was a hint of a "nasty game": great point.
- Lover's frame is better for sex-only relationship: I agree. That's the thing is I like to give and offer things to people and sometimes it puts me in the wrong frame unknowingly.
- Being cool with dates that won't lead to sex: I'm not sure I understood this part: "I have a relatively low "home to sex" ratio, and that's because I bring home the majority of my first dates."
- It's better not to go back: I agree
In your case, I would see the girl again: thank you very much for your honest opinion.
Not necessarily saying you must do the same, but what I might do, is to invite her home again. Tell her to cook something she likes, and you will get a nice Chianti, plus some specialty from your culture, and you will have a nice dinner together: great idea.
Thank you very much for your opinion!
BTW, you inspired me to write an article focusing on "nasty power moves":
In brief, selfish power move are nasty when there would be a better win-win option, but she decides to go for win-lose.
There is definitely a power component to it.
Such as, women who feel they have more power, feel more justified and "freer" to go for win-lose, while women who feel he is higher power will be on their best behavior.
However, there is also a character-based component, where some women will almost always seek win-lose (can't have relationship with them), and other women avoid nasty power moves even when they could have the option to do so (better relationship quality material).