Quote from leaderoffun on August 22, 2022, 1:49 pm

Trust is very hard to gain and very easy to lose. Trust levels are somewhat hard-to-read, perhaps by design.

A reputation takes ages to build. A reputation is a default level of trust for someone who starts a relationship with you.

But reputations are also hard to read, hard to check. I once hired someone who was extremely accomplished on his domain, with deep knowledge... but a certified disaster in everything else, including social dynamics. He was, to put it mildly, a fuckup. And an evil fuck. After a while, everyone around him realized that, and I got the flack for hiring him and putting him in a position of power.

A friend told me "Why did you hire Marlon (fake name)? We all know he's hard to manage" (Euphemism for: a total fuckup). My answer: "Why didn't you tell me??" We tend to not speak bad about others 'make no enemies', and that benefits the total fuckups that never get their cover blown. Maybe we should make our trust estimations more public? Those who burn others instinctively know that people are reticent to start a reputation war by broadcasting that terrible experience they had with the fuckup.

But how often do you see anyone broadcasting their level of trust?
If done, how often is it used to build people up and how often to destroy people?

In personal/public relationships

I don't see major 'I don't trust you' occurrences in public social circle situations. If anything, they are implicit in the actions of the players. Perhaps it's understood that it would destroy too much social capital, including some of their own.

Slinging shit and ruining reputations seems to be the weapon of choice of social justice warriors (see cancel culture).

In business relationships

Perhaps politics should be included here. When a politician endorses another one, he's displaying his trust levels to the benefit of the endorsed person.
It's also a public bet. If the endorsed person misbehaves, this will affect the endorser's reputation.

Some cultures require a long time to build trust before you can do business. Broadcasting distrust could ruin commercial relationships that take months, if not years, to emerge.

Some level of distrust is acceptable, when communicated subtly, in business relationships

In close relationships

This is really the crucial one for me. I tend to build trust very slowly. Anyone getting close to me will perhaps find that they trust me more than I trust them, and they may find that unfriendly or worse.

PU recommends to test people when they are power-up. This could be not so easy. Even with the formidable weapon PU is, I have trouble testing people around me for taker behavior, narcissism, etc.

Hanging out with family members and friends of theirs could be a shortcut but they will portray the person in a good light.

Seeking enemies of that person (and talking to them) could work except:
- It's hard work, the person will have hid his tracks well, those past life enemies are hard to track down
- They may be in a different continent; often 'bad actors' change environment radically after they burn out their social circle
- If we are talking about a woman, they rarely have enemies

When women are 'in their best behavior', a man has zero chance of figuring out their flaws. Women are far better than men at covering their tracks, and their power plays can be extremely subtle. If you would go 'I don't trust you' with a woman, they would double down on the good behavior and the very indirect manipulation.

When should you say: "I don't trust you" in a close relationship

When should you be transparent with your level of trust?
It's a major rapport break. More so if said in public. Perhaps never (see 'Strategy' for exceptions).

But it the coziness of a really close relationship, verbalizing this may get you to a point where you move forward in your level of trust, together. It's a vulnerable thing to say. Almost like "I know I should, but I still don't trust you"

When should you say: "Trust me!"

Who says this? It's usually people who are manipulating you (and who are not very good at it).

If you suspect someone doesn't trust you, build trust, but never asks for it explicitly.

Problem: the 'dark triad' people prowling out there are excellent at building trust when they need it. So be very wary of people who seem to be going out of their way when they need to build trust.

When should you say: "Don't trust him!"

- If you follow "make no enemies" (the Canadian way, be nice, never say anything bad about anyone: never

- When a friends asks for a judgment call on someone they are going to hire (see the Marlo example).

- When someone might buy a product that you know doesn't deliver.

How can you know what level of trust you have from another person?

Example: would your significant other invest in your business?
Would you harm the relationship if you ask her, and she has to say no?

Broadcasting trust as Strategy

If one part trust the other, but trust is not reciprocal, the distrusting party gets the judge role.

The party trying to gain trust may have to go through loops to gain it. We see this all the time in Mafia movies. Who trusts who is implicit in their interactions. There are subtle changes that can turn upside down the power equilibrium. In those cases, broadcasting trust levels is a power move.