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Competition in a social circle

#1 · July 10, 2022, 8:05 pm

Quote from John Freeman on July 10, 2022, 8:05 pm
Hello guys and girls,
As I built my social circle from scratch since about 1.5 years, I could learn some lessons.
As Lucio and Transitioned said, among guys there is quite a lot of one-ups as we are trying to determine the hierarchy pretty much at each encounter (it's more fluid in social circle).
What I noticed is that in my social group, which happens to be composed mostly of French expats (but not only), the most of the competition is around.... Lifestyle.
Having a prestigious job does not do much for your status in the group as going to exotic vacations or having a new house, etc.
So it's quite interesting to me as this is a new concept that I did not encounter before due to my values and the people I tend to surround myself with (travellers, thinkers, etc.). So this group people are a bit more superficial, maybe?
As you guys and girls know, I'm expanding my social circle. Previously I was working so much and got into a negative mindset that I did not have so much of a social life. This Saturday I was invited to my brother-in-law's concert in another city. I called one of my friend of my social circle to have some news from him.
I asked him what he was doing this evening. He told me and then asked me. I told him I was going to this concert. He was surprised and asked me more about it as he surely thought I was going to ask him to do something together.
So he got that I was going to do something interesting (valuable) and I could hear a little bit of envy.
So now I understand: I have to do cool things in my free time and tell people.
That's what my friend do all the time: "I'm going there, I was there, I bought this". They do it in different ways. One of them is just happy to share his life. Another one boasts and try to look as he's not showing off (playing it cool) and another one is quite show offy (sends pictures, tells us: "you should do that man!" as a one-up, meaning: I have and you did not).
I think it also has to do with different priority in values: my friends are actually more hedonistic than me. I'm more leaning towards Eudaemonia (inner peace, equal temperament) but of course I love a good party!
Anyway. Have you guys encountered this?
If yes how did you deal with it?
This could go into "beginners". If you think it's more adequate, Lucio, feel free to move it as you see fit.
Cheers!

Hello guys and girls,

As I built my social circle from scratch since about 1.5 years, I could learn some lessons.

As Lucio and Transitioned said, among guys there is quite a lot of one-ups as we are trying to determine the hierarchy pretty much at each encounter (it's more fluid in social circle).

What I noticed is that in my social group, which happens to be composed mostly of French expats (but not only), the most of the competition is around.... Lifestyle.

Having a prestigious job does not do much for your status in the group as going to exotic vacations or having a new house, etc.

So it's quite interesting to me as this is a new concept that I did not encounter before due to my values and the people I tend to surround myself with (travellers, thinkers, etc.). So this group people are a bit more superficial, maybe?

As you guys and girls know, I'm expanding my social circle. Previously I was working so much and got into a negative mindset that I did not have so much of a social life. This Saturday I was invited to my brother-in-law's concert in another city. I called one of my friend of my social circle to have some news from him.

I asked him what he was doing this evening. He told me and then asked me. I told him I was going to this concert. He was surprised and asked me more about it as he surely thought I was going to ask him to do something together.

So he got that I was going to do something interesting (valuable) and I could hear a little bit of envy.

So now I understand: I have to do cool things in my free time and tell people.

That's what my friend do all the time: "I'm going there, I was there, I bought this". They do it in different ways. One of them is just happy to share his life. Another one boasts and try to look as he's not showing off (playing it cool) and another one is quite show offy (sends pictures, tells us: "you should do that man!" as a one-up, meaning: I have and you did not).

I think it also has to do with different priority in values: my friends are actually more hedonistic than me. I'm more leaning towards Eudaemonia (inner peace, equal temperament) but of course I love a good party!

Anyway. Have you guys encountered this?

If yes how did you deal with it?

This could go into "beginners". If you think it's more adequate, Lucio, feel free to move it as you see fit.

Cheers!

Lucio Buffalmano and leaderoffun have reacted to this post.

#2 · July 11, 2022, 8:57 am

John, I have certainly encountered this - actually one reason that I don't go on social media, because it is full of things like this (plus the overwhelming stimulation overall).

I am living in a metropolitan area, so it is also likely for me to encounter people that would boast their unique experiences specifically. When I reflect on this, I realized that this is more about financial resources (or at least financial stability) because travelling and experiences are costly - I have learnt that paying for intangible things is a privilege.

Usually this wouldn't get to me because just like you, I don't identify with values like that. I can see that there is some value misalignment for you to be in this group. I recently had some more higher level thoughts on how to construct our lives better, basically from the root level values to priorities to preferences and to frame (will share some time in a future post).

I think it is really up to you what to do about it - what do you want to get out of people who boast those things you don't personally care about? To what extent is it a politically relevant aspect in your social life?

I also haven't had the chance to construct a more transactional social network so can't speak to that if that is something you are trying to do here. I imagine for this type of network, you are more strategic (more covert/Machiavellian since it is more about fitting in the group to get benefits, than truly identifying and emotionally connecting). For example, I have heard from some people in the corporate world stating that they did not care about certain hobbies but had to learn more about those because they wanted to fit in.

John Freeman has reacted to this post.

#3 · July 11, 2022, 8:01 pm

Thanks for your answer, Emily.

Good point, it is about showing off your resources indeed. It's part of it.

Quote from Emily on July 11, 2022, 8:57 am
I also haven't had the chance to construct a more transactional social network so can't speak to that if that is something you are trying to do here. I imagine for this type of network, you are more strategic (more covert/Machiavellian since it is more about fitting in the group to get benefits, than truly identifying and emotionally connecting). For example, I have heard from some people in the corporate world stating that they did not care about certain hobbies but had to learn more about those because they wanted to fit in.

I can imagine why you are thinking this. However, these are not transactional relationships.

It stems more from a sense of insecurity for some of them. They want to show that they are succeeding in Life. As I said it's a continuum. Some people show off a lot and others don't. Feel free to tell me if something is not clear enough in my original message.

Emily has reacted to this post.

#4 · July 11, 2022, 10:27 pm

Hey John, your question is quite broad, so I'll take some freedom to reply.

I'd echo Emily here: such a thing wouldn't get to me because of the value mismatch, so I personally wouldn't even see it as anything that has to be dealt with in any different way than the stock high-level strategies -ie.: vibe, make people feel good, pull-up, etc.-.

So in this case, whenever someone brags, I'd ask them some questions to give them a chance to thread-expand on the brag.
Relate if I can, and if not, bridge to another topic.

That way, you'd also gain social points not by bragging yourself, but by allowing them to feel good -which is great for you, since you don't have to start to play that hollow game you don't even care about-.

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#5 · July 30, 2022, 6:26 pm

I now understand better what is happening also, there is a cultural element,

In France:

It's more about the comparison
It's more individualistic, Switzerland is more consensual
It's more about getting on top than blending in
People are more extrovert and confident, even if they don't have anything to back up with.

So there is a dominance element that is stronger in France than in Switzerland, which is a protestant culture where you don't show off.

Lucio Buffalmano and leaderoffun have reacted to this post.