Could "well intentioned" comments be disempowering?

#1 · May 5, 2023, 2:09 pm

Hello guys,

Today I was thinking about the posibility of disempowering someone without meaning to, so I stumped with this issue:

Could a well intentioned comment be disempowering? (or a comment thats "supposed" to be well intentioned)

So I came up with some situations, such as:

Friend: Before learning karate, one time a bully in highschool wanted to punch me.

Me: Damn having to deal with bullies must be really annoying, thankfully for you, you now know martial arts ;).

Maybe I´m ovethinking, but I believe that the comment in blue is slightly disempowering (as Im framing my friend as :

a guy who gets bullied,
a guy who is emotionally invested in the situation.

Plus it feels a bit belittling).

And the underlined text could be a power move (cant tell what kind of move but its a bit belittling too, specially with the wink)

I think that the comment in blue could even be reframed to be even more disempowering.

An exagerated example could be:

Friend: Before learning karate, one time a bully in highschool wanted to punch me.

Me: Oow poor you :(, thankfully youre now a big boy that can take care of yourself ;).

That example is really exagerated and its clearly a babying power move, however i get kind of the same feelings with both examples.

In fact now that I think about it a guy in my class, often uses moves like this on people, for example:

(Looking at you, smiling, and with a high pitched voice)

Him: You´re such a good person.

To be honest one gets the feeling that hes treating you as a toddler/the dumbest guy hes ever seen.

Any ideas?

#2 · May 5, 2023, 2:40 pm

Yes, I agree Power Duck.

In your example, you are disempowering him and (apparently) reempowering him at the same time with the "but you're ok now" ending. But the ending reempowering, especially with the "wink emoji", makes the reempowering come across as sarcastic. "Thankfully for you you know now martial arts" implies that without martial arts your friend would still be picked upon. So IMO these statements are best eliminated altogether.

As to the wink, we discussed here on the forum that - as per how I understood it - it usually comes across as a passive aggression, and may be best eliminated altogether.

Lucio Buffalmano, Kavalier and 2 other users have reacted to this post.

#3 · May 5, 2023, 3:18 pm

Quote from Bel on May 5, 2023, 2:40 pm

Yes, I agree Power Duck.

In your example, you are disempowering him and (apparently) reempowering him at the same time with the "but you're ok now" ending. But the ending reempowering, especially with the "wink emoji", makes the reempowering come across as sarcastic. "Thankfully for you you know now martial arts" implies that without martial arts your friend would still be picked upon. So IMO these statements are best eliminated altogether.

As to the wink, we discussed here on the forum that - as per how I understood it - it usually comes across as a passive aggression, and may be best eliminated altogether.

Thanks Bel.

Its good to know this, as i often use the wink emoji. I'll stop using it from now on.