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Dealing with a relentless sniping attack

#1 · December 9, 2020, 11:00 pm

Had the work Xmas do after just a few weeks in the job. Generally went well. One lady took an instant dislike to me and put down anything I said to the group convo.

E.g. somehow they were talking about sharks in different countries.

Me: weird thing is our sharks hardly bite in NZ

Her: you don't have a new Zealand accent

Me: here for 20 years, early days

Her: well you can't play off being a new zealander

There was more - quite obvious.

The constraints r I m new, they all know each other and the big boss has built the team and highly values group cohesion. She s also well liked by her boss who was there and runs all the project officers. POs r admin ppl just about always a group of very socially competitive women who r gunning to be project manager. So going meta and calling out her game might have been dangerous

So lot of diff attack elements. Nasty judging, setting herself up as gatekeeper of the convo, social ostracizing.

#2 · December 10, 2020, 12:52 pm

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on December 10, 2020, 12:52 pm
Yeah, very not cool.
It's possible she had a malicious intent to indirectly say "you're not one of us".
Me: weird thing is our sharks hardly bite in NZ
Her: you don't have a New Zealand accent
This one could have rung your alarm bells of "is she trying to frame me as "not one of us"?
A good idea was probably to not even entertain that thread about accents, since it could easily go down the road of "from here / from outside".
Plus, it empowers her when you go with her thread and abandon yours.
What else to do?
Well, for example, you could have stuck with the sharks topic.
A good way of sticking with your thread is with a joke:
Yeah, maybe (acknowledge what she says first), they still don't bite though (but stick to your topic). Somehow sharks here are "good" sharks" (end with a joke, showing good humor / social intelligence. Smile at your own joke here, which encourages others to also smile)
Your reply:
Me: Here for 20 years, early days
Was actually quite funny, I'd have smiled at it.
The issue with it only happens when you're dealing with a nasty player which, unlikely, was the case.
This reply does confirm you're not "native", which plays into her hands, it allows her to sidetrack you, and it moves the conversation in a direction you might want to avoid.
And if she was really aggressive, it serves her an opening in case she wanted to attack again.
Which she did:
Her: well you can't play off being a new Zealander
Nasty bitch power move.
As a matter of fact, very aggressive and unfriendly.
And also tough to answer to.
If you say "I don't want to be", you become the nasty one and dig your own social grave.
If you reply "I'm trying", you highlight you're "failing", and frame her as the judge (judge of being "good NZ / one of us" or "not good NZ / not one of us).
Some options I'd have gone for if put on the spot:
You: Oh, that's very welcoming of you
As if to say "that was a bitch move, but I'm still not taking it too personally".
Said with a smile, you are delivering it as a joke.
The success of this line is the acceptance from the people around, not her. If the people around her laugh, you scored a huge win: they are on your side, and they all accept that she was being a bitch.
But even if they don't laugh, it's still a good move: you don't get overreactive, and you send the message that you're not to be attacked with impunity.
Or
You: Oh, thank you for the encouragement, Ann
Still delivered in jest, as if you were saying:
"Thank you for being such a bitch, are you always like that"?
Similar as above, the goal is to uncover her nastiness, recruit the group on your side, and isolate her.
And even if it falls flat, even if she replies angry, you still send the message "I'm not going to roll over to that type of nastiness".
And the good thing is that it shows that you do want to be part of the "NZ group"... But some nasty bitches are trying to make it harder for you.

Yeah, very not cool.

It's possible she had a malicious intent to indirectly say "you're not one of us".

Me: weird thing is our sharks hardly bite in NZ
Her: you don't have a New Zealand accent

This one could have rung your alarm bells of "is she trying to frame me as "not one of us"?

A good idea was probably to not even entertain that thread about accents, since it could easily go down the road of "from here / from outside".

Plus, it empowers her when you go with her thread and abandon yours.

What else to do?

Well, for example, you could have stuck with the sharks topic.
A good way of sticking with your thread is with a joke:

Yeah, maybe (acknowledge what she says first), they still don't bite though (but stick to your topic). Somehow sharks here are "good" sharks" (end with a joke, showing good humor / social intelligence. Smile at your own joke here, which encourages others to also smile)

Your reply:

Me: Here for 20 years, early days

Was actually quite funny, I'd have smiled at it.

The issue with it only happens when you're dealing with a nasty player which, unlikely, was the case.

This reply does confirm you're not "native", which plays into her hands, it allows her to sidetrack you, and it moves the conversation in a direction you might want to avoid.

And if she was really aggressive, it serves her an opening in case she wanted to attack again.
Which she did:

Her: well you can't play off being a new Zealander

Nasty bitch power move.
As a matter of fact, very aggressive and unfriendly.

And also tough to answer to.
If you say "I don't want to be", you become the nasty one and dig your own social grave.
If you reply "I'm trying", you highlight you're "failing", and frame her as the judge (judge of being "good NZ / one of us" or "not good NZ / not one of us).

Some options I'd have gone for if put on the spot:

You: Oh, that's very welcoming of you

As if to say "that was a bitch move, but I'm still not taking it too personally".
Said with a smile, you are delivering it as a joke.

The success of this line is the acceptance from the people around, not her. If the people around her laugh, you scored a huge win: they are on your side, and they all accept that she was being a bitch.

But even if they don't laugh, it's still a good move: you don't get overreactive, and you send the message that you're not to be attacked with impunity.

You: Oh, thank you for the encouragement, Ann

Still delivered in jest, as if you were saying:

"Thank you for being such a bitch, are you always like that"?

Similar as above, the goal is to uncover her nastiness, recruit the group on your side, and isolate her.

And even if it falls flat, even if she replies angry, you still send the message "I'm not going to roll over to that type of nastiness".
And the good thing is that it shows that you do want to be part of the "NZ group"... But some nasty bitches are trying to make it harder for you.

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#3 · December 10, 2020, 9:14 pm

Thanks Lucio

I m going to add those to my default responses. I like the option of just continuing with the conversation like she hasn't spoken.

I think I will try a few meetups over the hols to practice u always can find some socially competitive ppl there.