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Dealing with driving aggression
I live in a big metropolitan area and it's hard not to have conflicts with people on the road due to the sheer population size.
The honk incident
Today I was waiting on the traffic light and there were two cars in front of me, and one car behind me. The light turned green and I was distracted for 2 seconds and the car behind me honked at me loudly.
My thought and action to correct imbalance
It made me feel a bit uncomfortable and realized it was just a bit rude to honk because I wasn't too slow to block the traffic - I was simply a bit slow, and it wasn't a busy road. I felt honking should only be used when there's potential danger, not really in this situation. It was a disempowering moment. I thought that it made me feel a bit negative and I would like to address the imbalance. So I intentionally slowed down little (the two cars before me were going a bit slow anyway and it was a single lane road). I thought maybe when I was waiting to turn I shouldn't let the car behind me slip by (I can occupy the lane and make the driver behind me to wait for me to turn) but I didn't.
Before this, if I got honked at I would get shocked and drive as fast as I can, but today just as a thought experiment I think it would be more disempowering if I gave the other driver what he/she wanted - their aggressive behavior doesn't deserve my politeness. It seems like a small incident and one can brush off - but I do feel driving aggression while on the road a lot is like injury by a thousand cuts - at some point it's gonna affect our inner psyche.
Other aggressive behaviors
Other than being honked at, I also didn't really like when I was going slow and a driver goes past me very fast and then turn to my lane to be right in front of me - which communicates - you are too damn slow and I'm gonna be in front of you no matter what. The other thing I didn't like is at a busy intersection some car just randomly decides to butt into my lane - as I might be waiting for a light for a while. I also got the middle finger a couple times - not my fault in terms of traffic rules, just the other person misinterpreting my intentions. I don't know what to do to address these other than honking at them but that didn't feel like a great move.
Solutions?
Not sure if it's too petty to address, and it's just something that we should brush off because of potential danger. Is there a way to address these issues when we are not directly in person (as in our cars) and have rules to abide by?
Hello, Emily! Damn, I also find this stuff annoying as fuck.
I think that, where I live, addressing it is not worth the risk. It's not rare for someone to get shot because of a discussion over a minor thing on tbe road.
I believe this is the kind of situation where it pays more to work on one's antifragile ego than to try to rebalance the interaction. As you don't know the person you are dealing with, nor the people surrounding you, I think there's no real loss of status one should worry about.
I would only do something about it if I was with someone else in the car. Even then, it would mean just commenting that the other driver is a reckless moron who thinks he's on some sort of playground, as I kept my cool. That's actually something you can tell yourself if you're alone, to strengthen your inner psyche.
I think it's important to feel confident about your style of driving. If you drive slowly, that's because you drive responsibly and prioritize getting safely to your destination and accomplish whatever you set out to do; or making sure that the people who are with you in the car arrive unscathed. You won't change it because of someone else.
It's also about picking your fights strategically. Perhaps you're driving to meet your friends, going to a date, have dinner with your family, chill at home after a hard day's work... Why should some random idiot who shouldn't ever be given a driving license spoil all that?
All in all, I think it's more about the story you tell yourself.
I second Kavalier's great post.
The best way to deal with this stuff is to not react, never honk back, let them pass if possible, and concentrate on your safe driving.
These kind of people are looking for ways to discharge anger. If you don't give them a reaction, they will go find someone else. And with that, any risk of accident or escalation is avoided.
With time, one's driving style evolves and one projects more and more confidence. And this type of behavior tends to diminish.
Interesting.
I think it's all:
- Can be (mentally) disempowering...
- But much less, not at all, or even turn into a point of pride, once you learn not to let it affect you (so yes, it's also about mental self-development)
- It's fair to push back (in some cases, even if it doesn't bother you)
A friend of mine used to get super nervous around traffic, and couldn't stand having cars behind him.
He'd curse and rage and then pull over to let them go by.
Albeit aggressive, it was not high-power, it was more "reactive" anger.
He eventually moved to a big city and both me and his brother thought he'd go crazy there.
Instead, when I met him again he said "I don't care at all. I go anywhere, people honk, I don't care. In Rome you drive aggressive, can't care less of others honking".
And I thought he had reached a new level of self-development, to adapt, to focus on goal-achievement, without letting all the "noise" around him get to him.
How I approach driving / honking
My approach to driving tends to be more goal-oriented:
I want to go somewhere, and want to go there as fast and as safely as possible.
Of course the 2 can be mutually exclusive, so always balance, and everyone will have a different balance.
So to me, every time it's like a small mission (but without pressure).
The goal of that mission is to arrive early and safe.
Everything else are diversions or roadblocks I need to handle -including other drivers who make mistakes or seek to change your behavior with their aggression/honking-.
If I feel someone honks out of place, I may raise a hand more in the sense of "go F yourself", while other times I just think that and move on.
But overall, that "mission-attitude" tends to naturally give you an antifragile ego and those types of issues tend to disappear -they happen more rarely, and also affect you much less-.
I may sometimes also do something that are "not fully compliant" if I believe it makes for faster (without being more dangerous) or safer driving, in which case I pre-emptively apologize first if others are around or may be taken aback by my move (sometimes if I'm walking or biking even putting my hand on my heart before raising my hand to make the apology more obvious).
- Surrounded by idiots attitude
I also drive with the attitude that I'm surrounded by idiots -especially when on a motorbike-.
That is NOT because I think others are idiots, but because accidents happen when we get distracted and behave like one -which can happen to us all-.
This is an interesting topic of all the things one can do to increase safety through that attitude, but would be a bit long and off-topic.
Thank you all for your thoughts! Very helpful. I'm already feeling more confident and calm driving today.
Appreciate Kavalier and Bel's perspective on working internally on confidence and self-assurance, and pick reasonable fights. Yes I agree that there is inherent risk of engaging in this kind of behavior, this reminds me of an incident not of driving but me trying to run past a smoker on the street (wouldn't be efficient if I was walking too, and I dislike having to breathe second-hand smoke) and he took it as a huge insult and was aggressive toward me on the way while we walked in the same direction for at least 10 minutes. So yes there are people with issues when we share public spaces and we can't know exactly who.
Appreciate Lucio's insight of efficiency and being goal-oriented. I think at a place like this learning how to detach and treating it factually is the way to go. This is what I would do from now on:
1. Be confident and comfortable about my own driving style, I'm trying to go somewhere safely and efficiently, others are too;
2. If someone is aggressive but they left safely from my perimeter and I have people in my car: make a comment about them being idiots etc. then shrug it off. If just by myself - continue going my way;
3. If someone is aggressive and could be potentially dangerous, I will honk or gesture and make sure I pass safely.
