How to deal with insecure people
Hello guys,
after now 2 years in this power game, I can synthesize a bit my experience.
There is a whole category which we encounter at work (nasty colleagues) and in our social life (frenemy) that are actually one and only category: insecure people.
Why is that useful? Because when we think of them this way, we can better adopt the adequate behaviors.
In this case: ego/power-protecting. It's not the end-all/be-all of course.
What I mean is that if we fail to notice they are insecure, we might fail to understand that our own confidence, happiness, self-esteem or any positive quality we might have is actually triggering an agression.
Of course, we need to learn how to address their power moves and micro-aggressions. However, I often missed the insecurity in these people and I could not really get them on my side because I was (unconsciously/consciously) judging them. When I thought somebody was dumb or mean I would let it show somehow. And this made me appear like I was thinking I'm superior, triggering an attack.
I was actually lacking empathy towards them because to me, being insecure is not an excuse to be aggressive. I still think the same thing. However, now I'll be more machiavellian about it.
That means: making them feel good about themselves.
I'm not disgusted by this maneuver anymore. It's a smart social tactic.
Edit:
Edited as per John's request (to improve forum usability)
Yep, insecurity is a big part of it.
Plus, they're ambitious, competitive, and high-power enough that they're not cool with being and/or feeling "less of" or lower down in the hierarchy (if they were insecure but submissive and not drive, they probably wouldn't be pulling power moves).
And they either see you as "close enough" or can't accept that you actually moved from their level to higher -or, worse, if they think you moved from below them, to higher-.
I like most your approach: taking it upon yourself, and first recourse to make them feel good.
The high-level strategy of PU "frame as cooperation" is designed to tackle that as well: if they feel you're on their side and uplifting, they'll have no reason to compete and power move.
So very true. That is why in my environment it's the nurses. In another field it will be another category. They're stuck at the bottom of the hierarchy and are resentful for it because they have tons of experience that do not translate well in a higher status. The specific category you're referring to (ambitious, competitive, driven).
An interesting thing: there are stickers/tee-shirts were it's written: "Proud to be a nurse".
Well, that's obvious. It would be stupid to wear a t-shirt saying: "Ashamed to be a nurse".
They're proud and rightly so. However, it feels like a compensation. Like power scalping the status that is not given. I respect them a lot and their job of course. It's the turkey attitude that some people have that I don't like.
Now imagine if we were wearing t-shirts saying: "Proud to be a doctor". That would be awkward because it would look like we're claiming more status and we already have some.
Quote from John Freeman on June 21, 2022, 7:59 pmAn interesting thing: there are stickers/tee-shirts were it's written: "Proud to be a nurse".
Yeah, that's a good small, but a significant telling sign.
Now that you make me think about it, what I've noticed is that, a lot of times, "proud to be... " is rarely motivated by actual love or positive feelings, but hides a confrontation behind it.
It's:
"proud to be X (because it's better than)"
and
"proud to be X (not Y like all the rest)".
And, often, it's backed up by latent aggression, feelings of inferiority, or insecurity.
Often it's also a turkey-thing.
If you think about some of the most stereotypical expressions of "proud to be", they're from fascist jingoists and ultras sports fan.
If you're generally content with your life, open-minded, and secure in yourself... Then you're generally happy with yourself, but not often "proud to be X".
As usual, plenty of exceptions apply.
But it's still a potentially telling sign if one wears that pride on their shirt: they're making a public statement.
Yes! “Because it’s better than…” is the actual subtext.
And yes about those groups (the proud boys are white supremacists, which is a euphemism of saying racists and fascists)
Quote from John Freeman on June 22, 2022, 7:36 amYes! “Because it’s better than…” is the actual subtext.
And yes about those groups (the proud boys are white supremacists, which is a euphemism of saying racists and fascists)
Exactly, the "proud" is often the more socially-acceptable front. The confederate flag in the US is also a good example of that, not by accident showing up in the most right-wing gatherings.
I like most your approach: taking it upon yourself, and first recourse to make them feel good.
Now based on my experience it becomes obvious it's the best strategy.
Today one of my insecure friends (psychiatrist) started again this competition of who's doing the best. I don't enter it.
....
Him: I'm making progress on my projects 🙂
Me (taking the judge role): I'm happy for you. 🙂
Him (accepting my judge role): Thanks John!
Me: 🙂
In the previous messages, I stayed vague: "Everything is going great", I did not tell him about my recent successes and congratulated him on his.
Proper social strategizing.
Basically he was looking for approval, which I happily gave as taking the judge role gave me more power.
Dear Lucio,
could you please change the title to "How to deal with insecure people"?
So that it's part of the "How to" series.
Cheers!
Done, and I also think it's great idea on the titles / series!
Thanks! TPM power!