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Case study: Dealing with resistant/power-aware colleague

#1 · August 26, 2023, 5:31 pm

Quote from Emily on August 26, 2023, 5:31 pm
Recently I hit a stonewall in terms of dealing with this colleague on a few different collaborative tasks, thought this might be a typical situation that working professionals would encounter regularly so good to share as a case study.
Background
Me and my workplace:
I am new to this position as a manager of a small admin department in a social services non-profit. I need to use some stat platform to move several projects forward. I am a woman if that helps (as I am reading the women leadership section of PU and understand a bit more how gender plays in this). Our org is dominated by women with a few men working in more technical roles (which he is). My boss (woman) reports to his boss (also woman) so technically he is higher than me in the hierarchy but he's not senior management (my boss is). Our org is not very strictly hierarchical either.
Colleague:
He has been with this org for a few years and is experienced with this stat platform, actually he mainly works off of it for his tasks. He was in my position before he moved to this new role - I heard that he did not feel my role was a good fit for him.
Patterns of encounter
So because he was in my position before and he is well-versed with this platform - naturally our department and my boss would rely on him as an info source and helping hand when we have issues with the platform and other tasks to be transitioned from him. However, the past few times I asked him about specific things this is what I typically get:
Response time:
He would respond soon but with no promise that he will do anything, just more of a passive "I got it". There was no follow-up of arranging a meeting, and the questions he asks felt more rhetoric than actually wanting to clarify (more conveying the annoyance "how dare you ask me to do this" but he does it in a vague way). A couple times he said he would be on vacation - not sure if it's an intentional stalling tactic or not since it's kind of a slow season right now and he might have planned out his time off in advance. I knew this is not "normal" because even though we are a bit slow in general as an industry, other colleagues have been much more responsive, even external partners at other orgs who hold a similar position to his are very responsive (sometimes within a day or at least within the week).
Behavior:
He says that he is always willing to help, and he did agree to do a couple things (writing reports etc.) to help my department, he also attended the meeting we arranged with me, my boss and him to clarify things. But if I ask him to help us further or clarify things myself I sense that there was some resistance. I have asked my boss about this in the tone that I might not know what he is busy with and sounding empathetic - as usually it is my boss who asked me to ask him to help us but then she says she also has had trouble getting his time. On the surface, he is working on this big transitional project. So even though I sense there is some resistance that could be intentional I have not enough information to tell.
There is also something I feel is a bit sneaky: I often start the request in email sometimes cc'ing my boss. He sometimes replies to me only and just asks me to do things - pushes over what I ask of him. Sometimes he would reply to both me and my boss that they (he and his boss) will discuss this at some future time. He would also call me and make suggestions for me to do things in a way that shuns his part of work but adds work on my plate. He would also agree to look at something but never follows up (this is minor and happened only once).
My thoughts and possible solution?
The major barrier for me is the lack of knowledge of this stat platform - I have wanted to gain skills in this but I have been busy with other things. I felt if he had been more collaborative we would move this much faster and without me having to take over the part that he already knows. Since he was at my role before I thought at least he could be a mentor for a little bit - while I learn the ropes but clearly it seems that he has no interest in doing this. I don't think he is trying to advance or compete with me, just more of a "my work is my work and stop asking me to do more things" kind of stagnant attitude from him. I am already starting to learn the technical skills to be able to do things myself, as I communicated to my boss (she had been a bit protective of my time since I have skills that nobody else has here and I've been using those to work on other tasks). This is my current solution for now - just avoid him as much as possible and gain skills on my end and make good work and show it to my boss and possibly senior management. The other thing I thought about is to arrange a meeting between me, my boss, him and his boss to clarify the territories of my department and his responsibilities - but I think this is risky because I am new here and don't have the full picture of politics and certainly I wouldn't want to annoy senior management.
I felt what he did constituted mostly sneaky power moves. Wondering if there is anything I could do to feel more empowered in this situation interpersonally, or should I just surrender and try to do my own work well (forget about asking him for help) from now on?

Recently I hit a stonewall in terms of dealing with this colleague on a few different collaborative tasks, thought this might be a typical situation that working professionals would encounter regularly so good to share as a case study.

Background

Me and my workplace:

I am new to this position as a manager of a small admin department in a social services non-profit. I need to use some stat platform to move several projects forward. I am a woman if that helps (as I am reading the women leadership section of PU and understand a bit more how gender plays in this). Our org is dominated by women with a few men working in more technical roles (which he is). My boss (woman) reports to his boss (also woman) so technically he is higher than me in the hierarchy but he's not senior management (my boss is). Our org is not very strictly hierarchical either.

Colleague:

He has been with this org for a few years and is experienced with this stat platform, actually he mainly works off of it for his tasks. He was in my position before he moved to this new role - I heard that he did not feel my role was a good fit for him.

Patterns of encounter

So because he was in my position before and he is well-versed with this platform - naturally our department and my boss would rely on him as an info source and helping hand when we have issues with the platform and other tasks to be transitioned from him. However, the past few times I asked him about specific things this is what I typically get:

Response time:

He would respond soon but with no promise that he will do anything, just more of a passive "I got it". There was no follow-up of arranging a meeting, and the questions he asks felt more rhetoric than actually wanting to clarify (more conveying the annoyance "how dare you ask me to do this" but he does it in a vague way). A couple times he said he would be on vacation - not sure if it's an intentional stalling tactic or not since it's kind of a slow season right now and he might have planned out his time off in advance. I knew this is not "normal" because even though we are a bit slow in general as an industry, other colleagues have been much more responsive, even external partners at other orgs who hold a similar position to his are very responsive (sometimes within a day or at least within the week).

Behavior:

He says that he is always willing to help, and he did agree to do a couple things (writing reports etc.) to help my department, he also attended the meeting we arranged with me, my boss and him to clarify things. But if I ask him to help us further or clarify things myself I sense that there was some resistance. I have asked my boss about this in the tone that I might not know what he is busy with and sounding empathetic - as usually it is my boss who asked me to ask him to help us but then she says she also has had trouble getting his time. On the surface, he is working on this big transitional project. So even though I sense there is some resistance that could be intentional I have not enough information to tell.

There is also something I feel is a bit sneaky: I often start the request in email sometimes cc'ing my boss. He sometimes replies to me only and just asks me to do things - pushes over what I ask of him. Sometimes he would reply to both me and my boss that they (he and his boss) will discuss this at some future time. He would also call me and make suggestions for me to do things in a way that shuns his part of work but adds work on my plate. He would also agree to look at something but never follows up (this is minor and happened only once).

My thoughts and possible solution?

The major barrier for me is the lack of knowledge of this stat platform - I have wanted to gain skills in this but I have been busy with other things. I felt if he had been more collaborative we would move this much faster and without me having to take over the part that he already knows. Since he was at my role before I thought at least he could be a mentor for a little bit - while I learn the ropes but clearly it seems that he has no interest in doing this. I don't think he is trying to advance or compete with me, just more of a "my work is my work and stop asking me to do more things" kind of stagnant attitude from him. I am already starting to learn the technical skills to be able to do things myself, as I communicated to my boss (she had been a bit protective of my time since I have skills that nobody else has here and I've been using those to work on other tasks). This is my current solution for now - just avoid him as much as possible and gain skills on my end and make good work and show it to my boss and possibly senior management. The other thing I thought about is to arrange a meeting between me, my boss, him and his boss to clarify the territories of my department and his responsibilities - but I think this is risky because I am new here and don't have the full picture of politics and certainly I wouldn't want to annoy senior management.

I felt what he did constituted mostly sneaky power moves. Wondering if there is anything I could do to feel more empowered in this situation interpersonally, or should I just surrender and try to do my own work well (forget about asking him for help) from now on?

#2 · August 26, 2023, 11:30 pm

Quote from John Freeman on August 26, 2023, 11:30 pm
Hello Emily,
here are my thoughts:
Passive-aggression: this is typical behaviour.
Tasking: when you task him, it makes you above him. So he re-tasks you or avoid your tasking in order not to be in this position. It's certainly not collaborative no matter the power dynamics.
Status/Power: his knowledge of this platform gives him status and power. The more you know the less he needs you. If I understand correctly you sometimes need to learn things from him.
My suggestions:
Talk directly with him: say what is happening and ask him why he behaves like this. I would do this informally over a coffee. I would use a lot of power protection: "First I want to tell you that I respect you a lot. I could not help but notice (situation). I would like to understand since my goal is that we have a good work relationship". or something along these lines. I would insist on having a good relationship and ask openly and naively what is going on. If it's a personality problem: "I'm curious: is there something wrong or do you have a problem with me?". He has to have a way to save face other than: "I don't like you/I don't want to do it". You could provide face-saving reasons for this: he's very busy/you're new and don't know how things are working/he has other importants projects.
I would also power protect a lot: "If that's not too much asking of you" or whatever formulation in the same vein. I would remove the boss in CC in the first place. It's a power move and he might not like it. That could increase his passive-aggression (eg. "they're going to talk about it later" AKA "you CCing your boss has no effect on me and does not force me to answer"). It's a warranted power move in case you asked him twice and he did not respond with a note: "In cc: X for info". I would also stress the importance of his contribution to move forward (ego-stroking, give him status).
It's more tricky. I would sub-communicate that he's the expert and that you have no interest in it. You could do that by implying your bad at this platform and therefore will always need him: "It's not your thing. Some people are good at it and some are not. We're lucky to have you". It does not have to be true.
Something to consider is to increase friendly signals as in "I'm not a threat".

Hello Emily,

here are my thoughts:

Passive-aggression: this is typical behaviour.
Tasking: when you task him, it makes you above him. So he re-tasks you or avoid your tasking in order not to be in this position. It's certainly not collaborative no matter the power dynamics.
Status/Power: his knowledge of this platform gives him status and power. The more you know the less he needs you. If I understand correctly you sometimes need to learn things from him.

My suggestions:

Talk directly with him: say what is happening and ask him why he behaves like this. I would do this informally over a coffee. I would use a lot of power protection: "First I want to tell you that I respect you a lot. I could not help but notice (situation). I would like to understand since my goal is that we have a good work relationship". or something along these lines. I would insist on having a good relationship and ask openly and naively what is going on. If it's a personality problem: "I'm curious: is there something wrong or do you have a problem with me?". He has to have a way to save face other than: "I don't like you/I don't want to do it". You could provide face-saving reasons for this: he's very busy/you're new and don't know how things are working/he has other importants projects.
I would also power protect a lot: "If that's not too much asking of you" or whatever formulation in the same vein. I would remove the boss in CC in the first place. It's a power move and he might not like it. That could increase his passive-aggression (eg. "they're going to talk about it later" AKA "you CCing your boss has no effect on me and does not force me to answer"). It's a warranted power move in case you asked him twice and he did not respond with a note: "In cc: X for info". I would also stress the importance of his contribution to move forward (ego-stroking, give him status).
It's more tricky. I would sub-communicate that he's the expert and that you have no interest in it. You could do that by implying your bad at this platform and therefore will always need him: "It's not your thing. Some people are good at it and some are not. We're lucky to have you". It does not have to be true.

Something to consider is to increase friendly signals as in "I'm not a threat".

Emily has reacted to this post.

#3 · August 29, 2023, 6:48 pm

Hi John, thank you for your thoughts, very helpful points to think about for sure.

I feel there is general resistance from this person because he's older (close to retirement) and probably jaded. I don't think I can influence him to do what he doesn't want to do in the first place (heck, even my boss can't get him to move) but what I can do is to internally address this with my boss and see what resources we have to compensate and to run more efficiently ourselves. At this point I basically treat him as lost cause.

For personal bonding, I'd love to but he lives in another region, works from home and almost never comes to the office so it would be difficult. Again thanks for your suggestions as generally good starters for cases like this.

P.S.: I see his sneaky power moves more. Other than the ones mentioned above, today in a meeting when suggestion was being solicited, he didn't give anything that was useful, but kinda just said "X" sounds like a good idea (whereas "X" was the gist of the discussion which the meeting host spent at least 30 mins on). So for him it's double move: low effort/he doesn't care but asserting his presence, and being a judge.

John Freeman has reacted to this post.

#4 · August 31, 2023, 8:28 am

This sounds like a "common potentially difficult situation" since it's all up to him and you have little leverage.

Some possible approaches / strategies:

Use the most immediate tool you have to contact him: either in person or phone
Ask him "would it be OK for you if I call you sometimes when I don't know how to move forward"? Much better if you ask during the official meeting, so you get permission and a first commitment -important-, PLUS you power protect once you call him since he gave you permission -much more likely to follow through and pick up and help-.
Go high warmth & give back: thank him a lot, send a follow up thank you after he helped, say how useful his help has been, send a "cupcake to his boss" that he's been super helpful, invite for lunch/coffee and pay when he's there in person etc. etc.
Do NOT CC your boss: agree with John here, it may have been an initial mistake. YOU came across as sneaky/political with that move as first communication. You only do that later as a form of first escalation
Work around his time, make it easy for him: he is giving and you're not giving anything concrete so far, you have to make it easy for him

If all else fails, share it with your boss (strategically, sying all you've done so you don't get blamed for failing at persuasion) so you don't get over-blamed for possible delays.

John Freeman, B and Emily have reacted to this post.

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#5 · September 5, 2023, 5:05 am

Quote from Emily on September 5, 2023, 5:05 am
Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on August 31, 2023, 8:28 am
This sounds like a "common potentially difficult situation" since it's all up to him and you have little leverage.
Some possible approaches / strategies:
Use the most immediate tool you have to contact him: either in person or phone
Ask him "would it be OK for you if I call you sometimes when I don't know how to move forward"? Much better if you ask during the official meeting, so you get permission and a first commitment -important-, PLUS you power protect once you call him since he gave you permission -much more likely to follow through and pick up and help-.
Go high warmth & give back: thank him a lot, send a follow up thank you after he helped, say how useful his help has been, send a "cupcake to his boss" that he's been super helpful, invite for lunch/coffee and pay when he's there in person etc. etc.
Do NOT CC your boss: agree with John here, it may have been an initial mistake. YOU came across as sneaky/political with that move as first communication. You only do that later as a form of first escalation
Work around his time, make it easy for him: he is giving and you're not giving anything concrete so far, you have to make it easy for him
If all else fails, share it with your boss (strategically, sying all you've done so you don't get blamed for failing at persuasion) so you don't get over-blamed for possible delays.
Thanks Lucio. I think it's great to be more submissive in this case too. It also made me feel that there might be a personality clash. He actually did call me several times when things didn't seem to be clarified via email, and he sounded collaborative on the phone. Sometimes his emails are quite curt and annoy the hell out of me, for example:
My boss: Here is X task, sharing it so you can see details (without instructions as what to do).
Him: Oh, this looks great. Should I or Emily do it?
It's a good idea for me to call him when things like this occur since apparently it already causes confusion and maybe he's getting a bit annoyed and territorial. If I provide more value or appear more like "you are so generous to help me" he'd be less snarky.

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on August 31, 2023, 8:28 am
This sounds like a "common potentially difficult situation" since it's all up to him and you have little leverage.
Some possible approaches / strategies:
Use the most immediate tool you have to contact him: either in person or phone
Ask him "would it be OK for you if I call you sometimes when I don't know how to move forward"? Much better if you ask during the official meeting, so you get permission and a first commitment -important-, PLUS you power protect once you call him since he gave you permission -much more likely to follow through and pick up and help-.
Go high warmth & give back: thank him a lot, send a follow up thank you after he helped, say how useful his help has been, send a "cupcake to his boss" that he's been super helpful, invite for lunch/coffee and pay when he's there in person etc. etc.
Do NOT CC your boss: agree with John here, it may have been an initial mistake. YOU came across as sneaky/political with that move as first communication. You only do that later as a form of first escalation
Work around his time, make it easy for him: he is giving and you're not giving anything concrete so far, you have to make it easy for him
If all else fails, share it with your boss (strategically, sying all you've done so you don't get blamed for failing at persuasion) so you don't get over-blamed for possible delays.

Thanks Lucio. I think it's great to be more submissive in this case too. It also made me feel that there might be a personality clash. He actually did call me several times when things didn't seem to be clarified via email, and he sounded collaborative on the phone. Sometimes his emails are quite curt and annoy the hell out of me, for example:

My boss: Here is X task, sharing it so you can see details (without instructions as what to do).
Him: Oh, this looks great. Should I or Emily do it?

It's a good idea for me to call him when things like this occur since apparently it already causes confusion and maybe he's getting a bit annoyed and territorial. If I provide more value or appear more like "you are so generous to help me" he'd be less snarky.

Lucio Buffalmano has reacted to this post.